Kill Cruise (1990), aka Der Skipper, stars Jürgen Prochnow, Elizabeth Hurley and Patsy Kensit. Prochnow is a yacht owner who has turned to drink when his wife leaves him after her lover drowns at sea on Prochnow's yacht. Two bar entertainers (Hurley and Kensit) talk him into sailing them to Barbados. A triangle develops, and the journey is tense from the beginning. In case any of you want to see it, I will leave the plot at that, other than two say that it has a surprise ending that I didn't think fit with the rest of the film.

The DVD transfer was as bad as a weak VHS. The DVD was very difficult to find. Hurley does a strip in the bar, where we get peaks at her nipples. We also see a breast in a partially open shirt at sea. She also has two sex scenes with Prochnow, but the lighting and the transfer quality did not make for good images. There is nothing in the way of reviews on the net. IMDB readers have it at 4.7/10, with only 83 votes. The plot never really engaged me, the motivations for the two women are not especially clear, and the ending was one of those "You've got to be shitting me." That, coupled with the poor DVD transfer, and this is an E+.

Happy New Year to those of you who celebrate it today.

Movies:

Reviews without pictures:

Adaptation was one of my favorite movies of the year, surely will be in my Top 10 list if I ever make one. Ya gotta love a film where Meryl Streep is packin' heat and snortin' pulverized orchids to get high. These are new, from the DVD screener.

• Judy Greer (1, 2)

• Streep's body double

Good thing I got to see Adaptation, because these next three movies were some hard viewin' .

Psyclops is a no-budget film from a bunch of unknowns. Neither the film nor any cast members are found on IMDb. I suppose if I were in the film distribution or DVD mastering game, I would be happy to distribute films if they had a product cost of zero and I got to keep all the profit. Thousands of people would still give me product under those conditions, because everyone wants to be a filmmaker. I suppose this was distributed under a deal like that. It's a comedy/horror film shot on DV, and I'm guessing the budget was literally zero, because there are no actors in it. They sound like people in an 8th grade Christmas pageant. There is a woman in the cast (also a "producer") named Liz Hurley, but she's not THE Liz Hurley

There is nudity.

• Diane Di Gregorio (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Katy Jordon (1, 2)

Speaking of the real Liz Hurley, here is some more nudity from her in Double Whammy. The movie is lame, despite a pretty good cast, but the film has the one most important thing for any film to have, one thing that would improve any movie in history, including Battleship Potemkin - Liz Hurley's breasts.

• La Liz (1, 2, 3)

Watching Personal Velocity got me agitated. Poorly filmed, technically inept, and most of the film is some deadpan guy reciting short stories in voice-over. Beloved by critics, it scores a dreadful, Ed Woodian 3.6/10 from the top 1000 voters at IMDb. Parker Posey had a brief topless scene, but the quality of the film is so poor that (1) you can't tell it is Parker (2) you can't tell that you are looking at breasts. A complete waste of time, including my capture below.

Winner of the competition at Sundance last year!!!

• Parker Posey

Other crap:

• Stuff magazine picks Monica Bellucci as the sexiest women on the planet.
• Barring some high-profile New Year's Eve bust, the 2002 celebrity arrest docket closed yesterday with Diana Ross getting nabbed in Tucson on "extreme DUI" charges. The amusing police report is at: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/dianaross1.html
• Want to take stalking to a new high-tech level? How about a Global Positioning System tracking device inside the hood of your ex-girlfriend's car. Visit: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/pseidler1.html
• I like this picture of figure skater Sarah Hughes
• USA to wage discount war. Bush administration officials have estimated the cost of an Iraq war at $60 billion. The Gulf War in 1991 ran up a cost of $80 billion of today's dollars ($60 billion at the time), and had a far more modest objective, since it stopped short of regime change. So they'll be cutting some corners. This time, the US will be buying many parts at K-Mart, and will be feeding the troops with expired food in cans donated by Safeway and 7-Eleven. Weapons and ammunition will be purchased at police evidence auctions, and many items will be acquired from the army's crack Flea Market Division of the Quartermaster Corps. Just as important, they'll be cutting coupons and saving stamps where available.
• Taliban Online chooses US Senator Patty Murphy as their person of the year! Interestingly, Osama finished a poor third, behind Marv Albert. The Taliban are big hoops fans.
• Hitler was a woman (Weekly World News, of course)
• The 10 worst movies of the year. Solaris only finished second? No mention of Pluto Nash? How could that be?
• Contrary opinion - this guy says the Two Towers is a deadly waste of time. He's jus' fuckin' witcha, but he has a fair point about that battle scene.
• you have to like anything called the Annual Scoopie Awards
• Publishing news: discovery of an unpublished Tolkien manuscript
   

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Gave up scanning most fashion mags about the time I took up capping DVDs. One exception-- The Face. Good photography, pretty but not mainstream models and serious nekkidness. So serious that Mrs. Brainscan tells me the NY fashion community (which, lets face it, is the U.S. fashion community) is oft abuzz with how close the editorials in The Face approach the gratuitous and the explicit. Herewith a few examples.

• An Oost topless but with a pair of interesting undies barely covering up bottom goodies.

• Ciara Nugent, dressed but still lookin good.

• Jamie Bochert showing breasts in 1, 3 and 4, bum in 6 and a whole hell of a lotta leg in 2. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Kristen Simpson, two breast views for the price of one.

• And Lucy Brooker in perhaps the most controversial photoshoot of the year. See-thru breast exposure in 1, simulated oral sex in 2, a double grope in 3 & 4. Lucy is one very brave fashion model. (1, 2, 3, 4)

Happy New Year To One and All!

A little sword and sorcery for New Years Day as we look at the recently released on DVD 1986 epic "Amazons". This is really not a good movie, but has that one redeeming quality, lots of nudity. Today we look at Windsor Taylor Randolph (aka Mindi Miller, Ty Randolph or Lisa Berenger) and Penelope Reed.

First we see the girls as they take a swim (naked of course) and then scenes of Windsor fighting some bad guys and losing her top in the course of the action. Very athletic girl she is and does all of her own stunt work. A short movie at only 72 minutes but probably a good thing as there is not much of a plot to the whole thing. Next time we will show you even more nudity and some "Babes in Bondage".

• Windsor Taylor Randolph (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

• Penelope Reed (1, 2, 3, 4)

Thora Birch's parents? Any truth about this? It seems everyone in Hollywood is keeping their mouth shut.

Here is Jack Birch humping Carol Connors from Deep Throat in the hardcore western "Sweet Savage" (1979). Later she tones down to an R-rated topless scene. The first 3 pics are very explicit.

• Carol Connors (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)