The Tracker (2000) is from the stack of films that I set aside for a rainy day because Scoopy has already done it and there is nothing earth shattering about it. By the time I slipped it in the player today, I had forgotten everything Scoopy wrote, and found myself entertained by a martial arts cops film starring Van Dien. Reasons include a reasonably coherent and involved plot, decent dialogue, some characterization, interesting supporting characters and decent photography, not to mention Lexa Doig's breasts. Re-reading Scoopys review, he also found it surprisingly watchable.

Van Dien is a private investigator in LA working for insurance companies, former NYPD, former best friend of Russell Wong, and former main squeeze of Long's sister, Lexa Doig. Seems Wong and Van Dien studied martial arts together under his father, which supposedly forms a sacred bond. The two parted when Doig left Van Dien, and Van Dien blamed Wong. Van Dien left the NYPD when he blamed himself for his partner being shot.

When Doig husband is killed and she is kidnapped, Wong recruits a reluctant Van Dien to go back to New York and help him find his sister. They meet up with a feisty woman cabby at the airport, then acquire Van Dien's wheel chair ridden ex-partner, and the four Muskateers are off to the crusades against the Chinese and Russian mobs and the NYPD. There are several plot curves and twists along the way, but there are clues from the beginning which could have been used to predict the ending.

There are no major reviews available, and the IMDB rating is down to 5.4 of 10. That is probably just a tad low. While this is not a memorable film, or one I would go out of my way to suggest, it is solid entertainment. C.

Beyond Re-Animator (2003)

It has been 13 years since the last Re-Animator film, but Dr Herbert West is still as nutty as ever.

Jeffrey Coombs is back as the unemotional, deadpan scientist who is obsessed with bringing the dead back to life. Except for a few crow's feet, Coombs is right back into the character he created in 1985. The writer even made the time-lapse make sense, because the story takes place 13 years after the last chapter, during which time Dr. West has been in prison, and the little boy who witnessed the end of the last film has grown up to be a doctor himself, deliberately asking for the assignment as prison medic in West's jail.

In the intervening years, the Mad Doctor has been devising a scheme to add some new features to his formula for reviving the dead, the most important innovation being that the dead should now come back as reasonable people, and not as frenetic flesh-chewing zombies, because West has found a way to re-capture the human soul after it leaves the body.

Well, of course, that would be no fun, so Dr West has to screw it up somehow, which he does by constantly robbing from Peter to pay Paul in his budget-priced experiments, a process which eventually forces him to use a rat's soul on a human, and ...

 ... and I think you can probably figure out the rest.

It just keeps getting sillier and sillier.

This series has always been over-the-top camp, and this one is out there in the same territory. The prison and its warden are in the mode of Dickens-meets-Dr Strangelove, the resuscitated zombies chew more scenery than flesh, limbs are ripped off casually, blood gushes everywhere and the final prison break has the same chaotic energy as the one in Natural Born Killers, except that also it tosses in a few zombies with missing limbs.

I can't say that splatter comedy is really my thing, but I have to admit I laughed quite a few times in this film, especially at the mock gravitas Coombs imparted to all of his lines. If you want to see a horror movie, take a pass, because this one makes no real attempt to go for any real scares or a dark horror tone. It's strictly for gross laughs, and it does deliver some imaginative nonsense.

• Rachel Gribler (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Elsa Pataky (1, 2)

Cold Mountain (2003)

I 'm really having trouble getting acceptable images of Kidman's nude scenes this year. If you can believe it, these are even worse than the ones last night from The Human Stain. I'll keep looking for a DVD screener. For now, these are only useful to show what we're looking for.

• Nicole Kidman's buns

• Nicole Kidman's breasts.

• I think this is Melora Walters, a fairly well known and talented actress (Magnolia, Boogie Nights), but I am not sure. I thought Ribisi said this was his wife, Lila, and that is listed as Melora in the credits, but it doesn't look much like Melora to me. Of course, I just can't tell from this. Very sexy scene, however.

• I don't know who this is, and I don't really want to know.

MAILBOX:

Scoop, re "A-List actresses baring all"

Interesting link, and thanks for providing it. It got me to thinking, though. For years now, the sure-fire way for a male actor to be taken seriously was to portray a mentally retarded character, or something similar. Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, for example. And I'm 100% sure that's why Cuba Gooding agreed to star in Radio. After Boat Trip and that dog-sledding movie, he had to do something.

And now we learn that female actresses are looking to be taken seriously by appearing nude and in explicit sex scenes. Can I get a Hallelujah that it's not the other way around? We'd have Nicole Kidman portraying a retarded woman and Harvey Keitel revealing his schlong in even more movies than he already does. Sends shivers down me spine, that does.

Scoop's note: he's referring to this link: Nude awakening: A-list actresses are baring all in the name of art.

OTHER CRAP:

• The first lesbian kiss on EastEnders attracted even FEWER viewers to the soap than usual.
• Nude beach, free pics, nuff said
• Norway's 'Pop Idol' wins world title. "American Idol" finishes second. The Golden Calf finished far down the list of the most popular idols.
• College Chix - wet tee contest - too much alcohol Fun, fun, fun til their daddy takes the t-shirt away.
• Here is the Canadian mayor who posed naked in her office and ended up on the internet. No maple leaf this time.
• Very funny and remarkably well done home comedy video. (Only about 15 seconds long)
• Mr. Cranky Rates The Worst Movies of 2003, with links to his reviews.
• Well, isn't this special. Our annual Top Nude Scenes in Japanese. (You have to click on the right hand button, if it gives you a choice.)
• The Poincare Conjecture may have been solved. The Poincare Conjecture is not a Robert Ludlam novel, but a century-old mathematical problem. Interestingly enough, it was solved by Spanish actor Antonio Banderas with intense smoldering looks at the problem. OK, I'm just kidding. It wasn't Banderas, it was Jessica Simpson.
• Frightweb presents: Cool Goth Babes
• The Top Twenty Speeches in cinema history
• A tenth of the stars in the Milky Way may have planets that support advanced life, Australian scientists have said. 20 years ago I supported Carl Sagan's argument about the profusion of life in the universe, because of the mathematics involved. But some scientists now think that the argument was incomplete. Although life is undoubtedly nature's mandate, technological life may be the result of massive accidents which distort the natural evolutionary scramble. Non-mammalian life ruled our own planet for more than 200 million years, and developed no technology of any kind. Our own planet would still be completely non-technological if not for some massive and apparently accidental cataclysm which wiped out the 'saurs and eventually allowed mammals to flourish. In other words, Carl Sagan was surely right about the quantity of life in the universe, but may have been wrong to assume that technological societies are the inevitable result of that life. Perhaps there are billions of inhabitable planets, but perhaps an Alvarez Incident is a one in a trillion phenomenon, and we are more alone than we think. Oh, well, enough serious shit. Back to the jokes.
• Enjoy your movie - after the strip-search!
• The covers from Lynne Cheney's novel, SISTERS. Whitehouse.org has tracked down a copy of the Second Lady's out-of-print pseudo-softcore novel. Awesome! One reviewer said, "It is rare that such a public figure as Ms. Cheney should dare to write a book so explicit in its depiction of female sexuality. Clearly, spending large amounts of time in a secure and undisclosed location can lead to forbidden thoughts manifesting themselves on paper."
• Quickly, identify the subject of this quote: 'I consider the act absolutely brutal, threatening human rights, violating human dignity, xenophobic and worthy of the worst horrors committed by the Nazis'. Was the Brazilian judge talking about political torture, or about the previews for "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance"? Nope, he was talking about the fact that the USA now requires fingerprints and photographs for Visa entry into the country. But the best part of the story is that he ordered Brazil to do the same! It seems to escape him that he has personally ordered action which he has already admitted to be "worthy of the worst horrors committed by the Nazis"!
• Yahoo! reveals the most-searched-for word or phrase. Surprisingly, it isn't "Judy Tenuta"
• Pete Rose autobiography to tell all?: "Speculation that Rose will admit he bet on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds arises from the enormous first-print order of 500,000 copies, an embargo date on the book and an unnamed baseball official telling the New York Times that Rose already admitted his guilt in a November 2002 conversation with Commissioner Bud Selig. "
• Say Happy New Year in many languages, and especially a "Szczesliwego Nowego roku" to our Polish readers and anyone else who can pronounce "Szczesliwego". Now that Poland is becoming a military power, it is time for them to invade Hawaii and steal some vowels.
• Meet the woman who invented a bra that doubles as a liquor flask.
• Weird and Wacky Reigned Supreme in 2003. Regular readers of Other Crap will recognize most of these.
• To hell with those 2003 quizzes. Here's a 2004 quiz. Jeez, I'm sick of 2004 already.
• BBC NEWS - E-cyclopedia's glossary of new English terms in 2003. Bennifer, the axis of weasel, and more.
• The Arrow's Top 10 Horror/Fantasy Movies of 2003. I agree with him that Equilibrium was the best forgotten film of 2003 in this category.
• JoBlo's 2004 Hollywood wish list. Along with Movie Juice and The Movie House, JoBlo's is one of the most readable and entertaining movie sites.
• The Early Report for this week (from filmjerk.com)
• Classic Musicals at Reel Classics. Seventeen HIGHLY detailed looks at the great musicals 1933-1965, with pics, clips, summaries, links - you name it.
• Sploodge - a pretty cool blog dedicated to cynicism and naked chicks.
• Bad Taste Ads - Who Invents This Crap?
• My Hairy Ass "This is the first web site devoted entirely to the worship of my hairy ass." Well, except for the Ed Asner home page.
• Stop clown porn now.
• The Petting Zoo's Stick Figure Hardcore Porn page!
• Monobrow.com - Celebrating the Unity of Your Eyebrows
• Fashions of the Fifties - Retro Hairstyles and Makeup
• BallTrimmer.com - Pubic Hair shaving removal for males Cuz "Chicks dig it"
• Mouseketeer shows plumbers' crack in Blender magazine
• The mosty popular baby names in the UK Surprisingly, Nigel did not make the list.
• Marky Mark spotted dirty dancing in Miami with former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton.
• South African police will crack down hard on anybody throwing old fridges from high-rise buildings during the New Year's holiday Yeah, they've been a little lax on refrigerator tossing in the past, especially in the apartheid days when the refrigerators were filled with black people. But, what the hell, if that's their tradition, who are we to question the wisdom of their ancient culture?
• Núcleo de Arte- Arms into Art
• Satellite Laser Hair Removal "NASA Hair control specialists deploy NairSat Seven, one of thirteen new state-of-the-art orbital laser depilatory platforms"
• Jacko could face new charges over abuse accusations.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Coma"
This is definitely not the movie to watch before one goes in for a medical procedure. It is however a good adaptation of a very exciting and well-written medical thriller. Dr. Robin Cook wrote this novel in 1976 and it was brought to the screen by another doctor, Michael Crichton in 1978.

I remember reading this novel while a high school student. While not well versed on medicine back then, it was a story I just couldn't put down. In fact I got into trouble reading it in class.

When it finally came to the screen it was still great. It did not seem to suffer from what is normally a letdown, when one reads a story before seeing it on screen. Michael Crichton was up to the challenge and did a great job of taking this long story and making a great, less than two hours, movie out of it.

The movie follows two surgical residents, Dr. Susan Wheeler (Genevieve Bujold) and her boyfriend Dr. Mark Bellows (Michael Douglas) as they stumble onto a medical conspiracy so horrible as to be unimaginable.

A group of physicians are taking patients who have the proper tissue type and making them very brain dead (by substituting carbon monoxide in the oxygen system) during what should have been minor surgeries. These comatose patients are then sent to a long-term care facility which doubles as an illicit organ-harvesting center.

Wheeler develops an interest in what is happening when her friend becomes brain dead during a surgical procedure. While trying to come to grips with the loss of her friend she begins checking into medical records which soon have her hot on the trail of the murderous doctors.

The movie climaxes in the last few hair-raising minutes in a last minute save. Again I won't spill the beans and spoil the movie.

The movie is still good despite some minor flaws. For some inexplicable reason the doctors are wearing short, student white coats. There are also some goofs only discernable to residents of Boston.

The goofs are more than balanced out by the technical accuracy of the scenes. One almost experiences the thrill of inducing anesthesia and intubating a patient. Perhaps the medical devices are a little old and date the film but this is an easy flaw to overlook.

The acting by Bujold and Douglas is great. They are very convincing as surgical residents. The film also features Richard Widmark as the chief of surgery. The film also has minor roles featuring Tom Selleck and Ed Harris.

The movie is available at many stores near the checkouts and can be found for as low $5.99. I found it to be a definite bargain.

The movie draws an IMDb rating of 6.7/10. The DVD features are minimal and the transfer is acceptable.

Genevieve Bujold shows some skin behind the glass while showering, a left breast from a distance, and shows some great legs while pulling her pantyhose off to climb a ladder. There is also some boring medical nudity.

• Genevieve Bujold

Remaking movies makes sense. Sometimes. Take a flawed enterprise with a promising core... something like Omega Man... give it a modern twist, superior production technique, a consistent plot and there ya go... 28 Days Later.

And so I suppose, in theory, that a remake of Hardbodies sounded like a good idea. But while in theory there is no difference between theory and practice, in practice there is. Big fucking difference.

Three late-thirty, early-forty losers lookin' fer some action at what's supposed to be Malibu Beach but is really Venice Beach. One of them is cowboy, a second one is a chubster and the third is a fungus in bipedal form. They are tutored in the arts of hot babe seduction by a cool, surfer dude. The two innocents eventually score with women of their own types... not real hot teenage babes, but attractive enough late 20's honeys. The fungus gets his comeupance.

Sounds like Hardbodies to me. So how do the producers go about improving the product?

1) They get Bronson Pinchot to play the fungus. What the fuck #1. He looks so very embarassed to be a part of this, but hunger is a strong motivating force.

2) The surfer dude comes across as a Spicoli wannabe..or more like the turtle in Finding Nemo. What the fuck #2.

3) Replace the form-perfect Teal Roberts with the incredibly scrawny Gabrielle Anwar. Hadn't realized just how emaciated was Ms. Anwar until I looked at this movie. I saw her and felt like feeding her, not boffing her. What the fuck #3.

4) Hire preternaturally nekkid babes like Traci Dali, Linda O'Neill and Avalon Anders...women who can't act but do take off their clothes if asked politely....and get only one of them nekkid. What the fuck #4.

5) More to the point, get girls to get their kits off, including Victoria Silvstedt... the only good move in the movie...enough of em so that you earn an R rating, but then do little more with dozens of others... oh a little tease here, with a nipslip there, a brief flash, a T-back... old Macdonald made a movie, eieio. In other words, remake Hardbodies with LESS nudity than the original. What the fuck #'s 5 through 35.

Nothing about the pacing, the attempts at humor, the pathos of watching aged ugly mofos trying to hit on young babes makes thie worth watching in the absence of wall-to-wall nudity. What a frigging waste.

Never I thought I would write these words, but if you want to see a more entertaining, superior movie, watch Hardbodies. There I said it. Sort of like saying that any one of the hundreds of wretched vampire movies made between the two Nosferatus is better than all the others.

Okay, exposure. Major babes (by some definitions) first:

Traci Bingham, cleavage and stuff in some skimpy clothes and some bum in a pair of Daisy Dukes.

• Traci Bingham (1, 2, 3)

Gabrielle Anwar, a one-frame nip peak in the shower, and an ain't-nuthin-showing scene because two tiny little flowers are hiding her two tinier little hooties. Make those hootlets.

• Gabrielle Anwar (1, 2, 3)

Loretta Swit... cleavage in a bra... twenty years too late.

• Loretta Swit

A bunch of well-identified minor babes gave up some goodies.

• Portia Dawson lets something very attractive slip out from under her arms in a topless, rising from the water scene. Portia looks real good in this movie...wished we'd seen a lot more of her. (1, 2)

• Betsy Monroe....cleavage only. A word about this scene. The asian woman interviewing her is Chinese, speaks Mandarin into the microphone and then, in flawless, unaccented English, asks Betsy to say something to the 1 billion folks back in China. But, in the credits, this woman is identified as a JAPANESE reporter. What the fuck #50. Didn't the dimwits who wrote the credits watch the movie? Or do all Asian women look the same to them?

• Sara Melson....pokies

• and wonder of wonders, a real topless babe. Kat Davison.

Barely credited and uncredited babes include...

• Avalon Anders, topless in a hottub.

• Linda O'Neil showing off her el primo bum in a beauty contest. She has another scene in the movie, but speaks not a single word and... of greater importance to me and you.... she keeps her clothes on throughout.

• Traci Dali, cleavage and not much else.

• Tawni Graf, bum in a bikini.

That's it. The sum total of the exposure. A plethora of nekkid babes is the only thing that would have helped this effort. In fact, since plethora properly means an overabundance and you can never have an overabundance of nekkid women unless you are at an old folks home or Rosie O'Donnell's house, only a super-abundance of nekkid babes could have helped. And there was no such number to be found.

Well today we take the old time machine back to 1968 and a visit to "The Blood of Fu Manchu".

This one gives me one of my favorite things, a topless babe in bondage who winds up getting a kiss from a snake. Sadly her name is unknown.

Hope Everyone had a Safe and Happy New Year!

• Unknown babe in bondage (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

"No Good Deed" aka "The House on Turk Street"
This 2002 crime thriller had everything going for it good story based on a short story by Dashiell Hammett, and a great cast. Unfortunately, the movie fell short.

Even so, ignore the sometimes slow pace and the sometimes stiff acting, and you're left with an interesting story about a cop trying to find a missing teen, who stumbles into a band of bank embezzelers about to score 10 million dollars. When the cop and the gang's bad girl fall in love, things don't end up as you'd expect.