Movies:

If you're reading this early, I'll get the movie info pages up in a bit. Here are capsule summaries.

Treading Water. This is a very honest and affecting lesbian movie about one holiday weekend in which the rich lesbian is not allowed to bring her partner home for family Christmas. Small movie, made for a limited audience, mostly specialty film festivals. I thought the movie was pretty good, but it really did tread water. None of the characters or plot situations were resolved or moved forward in any way. Everything ended exactly as it began. I guess that's where they got the title from. Anyway, I liked this little, unassuming movie, but most of you probably would not. Either way, you'll enjoy the nudity. Can't beat lesbian film festivals in one sense -  no naked guys to look at!

• Nina Landey (1, 2, 3)

• Angie Redman (1, 2, 3)

The Sleeping Dictionary. Bad news and good in cycles. Bad news: a "British in the jungle" film in which everyone is everyone else's secret love child (Dickens would be proud.) One of those white man's burden films where all the Englishmen stay in dress uniform in the sweltering heat, while the native women bathe under cool, soothing waterfalls. "I say, Jeeves, bring me another gin and tonic - and shoot that frightful beggar on your way back, if you would, my good man. Tally ho." The good news: Jessica Alba sex scenes. The bad news: Jessica used a body double. (She said so, and it is also painfully apparent from the missing head in every single frame!) Alba is a beautiful woman. I don't know what her ethnic background really is, but her appearance was convincing as a generic Pacific islander.

• Emily Mortimer

• Jessica Alba (1, 2)

• Jessica Alba's body double (1, 2)

In the Time of the Butterflies is a made-for-tv film, basically a docudrama about three sisters who opposed Trujillo's long and repressive regime in the Dominican Republic. The lieutenant from Miami Vice plays Trujillo in the exact same flat, emotionless, style he brought to Miami Vice. However, it does feature one very large Salma breast.

• Salma Hayek

Wisegirls is a piece of fluff about three friends working as waitresses in a mob-connected restaurant. One is a mobster herself (Mariah Carey). One is an undercover cop (Melora Walters). One is the innocent bystander who watches everything unfold, and gets caught in the middle (Mira Sorvino). All three girls did well, even Mariah (although she looked quite a bit overweight), and there's nothing very wrong with it, but the movie is just basically a time-waster, meant to be watched only if you're stuck in your easy chair without the remote. No nudity.

• Mira Sorvino - maybe a partial aureola, but probably not. Back in the limelight after an absence, she is so thin now.

Other crap:

• George Romero to make another Living Dead movie. R-rated for the theater. NC-17 for DVD
• very interesting statistical analysis of the Senate's voting patterns. Broken down into relative liberalism or conservatism. The most liberal:  FEINGOLD. The most conservative: GRAMM and KYL.
• A specially trained troupe of Thai bosom dancers will show women how to improve their bust without resorting to cosmetic surgery.
• Dave Barry's South Florida guide for Orange Bowl visitors
•  the trailer for Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill is up
   

Updates:

• New Encyclopedia Volume for LOTR's Miranda Otto (Eowyn)

Mailbox:

Hi Uncle Scoopy, Here are Ebert and Roeper's 10 best movies of 2002 just in case you want to comment on it.

Roger Ebert's Top Ten list:

> 1. "Minority Report"
> 2. "City of God"
> 3. "Adaptation"
> 4. "Far From Heaven"
> 5. "13 Conversations About One Thing"
> 6. "Y Tu Mama Tambien"
> 7. "Invincible"
> 8. "Spirited Away"
> 9. "All or Nothing"
> 10. "The Quiet American"
 

> Richard Roeper's Top Ten:
>
> 1. "Gangs of New York"
> 2. "25th Hour"
> 3. "Minority Report"
> 4. "Y Tu Mama Tambien"
> 5. "Adaptation"
> 6. "Signs"
> 7. "Rabbit-Proof Fence"
> 8. "About Schmidt"
> 9. "One Hour Photo"
> 10. "About a Boy"
 

Oh, well. A list always tells you as much about the critic as it does about the movies.

It's hard for me to comment because it don't see brand-new films unless they have nudity, and sometimes not even then. I think I have only seen three of Ebert's 10, and all three would surely be on my list, and are on Roeper's as well - Minority Report, Y Tu Mama Tambien, and Adaptation. I really enjoyed all three of those.

I would have included The Two Towers.

When one reaches Ebert's level of influence, a list like this becomes as much an exercise in politics as in art. If Ebert thought the ten best movies of the year were all Hollywood films, I doubt if he'd allow his annual list to reflect that opinion. Just as much as Clark Gable or Brigitte Bardot, Ebert represents film to the world. He's part of the cultural history of the medium. Thus, he has an obligation to air more than his own taste, and balances off  his list with a sampling of foreign language and independent films. I think that his choice of Spielberg's film as number one is one of the perfectly reasonable choices for that honor. Minority Report is topical, and thoughtful. It is a good action flick. It is a good noir. And it has a kick-ass look to it.

I find Roeper's choices harder to defend. I've seen seven of them. I think Signs, One Hour Photo, Gangs of New York, and About Schmidt were pretty good flicks, but they don't seem to me like the kind of superior films that should edge out The Two Towers for a spot on the Top 10.

The other three Roeper named, which I have not seen, are as follows: his number two is a Spike Lee film rated 6.8 at IMDb, number ten stars Hugh Grant (although to be fair, everybody praised the performance of the new, mature Hugh), and his number seven I have never heard of at all. But maybe he's right in every case. I just haven't thought it all through yet.

On the other hand, off the top of my head, does it make sense to you guys that they left The Two Towers and The Pianist off the list? Those are some mofo'n good movies. And My Big Fat Greek Wedding was mighty popular ...

And what about Mexican Blow! That has to make my list.

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Rebecca De Mornay topless in a love scene, plus some sexy tongue action in scenes from "Never Talk to Strangers" (1995).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Belated wishes for a Happy New Year to the Sr and Jr Scoopsters. Let's set some sort of record for 2003.

Today's stuff was grabbed off usenet by The Gimp. They show some major fashion babes and some lesser known ones on the catwalk. I mucked around with a few of them (Eva's in particular) but the majority are WYSIWYG.

The major babes include:

• Eva Herzigova in lots of see-thru thingees (the last three are the best, but you just have to see #4). (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

• Gisele Bundchen showing off legs that go almost to her ears but that end, instead, at a bum-bum you don't find just everywhere. (1, 2)

• Frankie Rayder in skimpy bikinis. (1, 2)

• Bridget Hall, Missy Rayder (1, 2) and Veronica Blume in see-thru stuff.

• Adriana Lima in all sorts of skimpy things, the most revealing of which are #'s 6 and 7. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

The lesser known but nonetheless beautiful fashion babes include:

• Anna Eirikh in see-thru outfits for all four links. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Anouck Lepere in a see-thru top.

• Daniela Lopez, cute as a button face, Kylie-Minogue-class bum.

• Delfine Bafort in see-thru tops. (1, 2)

• Dewi Driegen in all sorts of skimpy things, and a clear breast in 3. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Elena Rosenkova in a most odd outfit that puts jus' 'bout nuttin between us and her breasts. (1, 2)

• Eugenia Volodina in two outfits, both of which let loose one of the twins. (1, 2)

• Inga Savits in see-thru tops in 1 and 3, and a skimpy little thing in 2. (1, 2, 3)

• Karolina Kurkova see-thru things and bum exposure in every last one of them. See is a major babe. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

• Kasia Pysiak in a net top that would let most tuna and mackeral through.

• Katrina Scola in two see-thru outfits. (1, 2)

• Kristin Enstrom in a wide-open white top that gives you a real nice view from a certain angle.

• Liisa Winkler, skimpiness only, but I love the way she looks.

• Martina Klein in bikinis that encourage things to go poking out. (1, 2, 3)

• Natalia Vodianova in outfits that get reeeal close but then fail us at the last moment. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

• Raquel Zimmerman in a metallic bikini with lots of holes in nice places.

• Talytha Pugliese in plunging necklines and see-thru tops, the best of which is the last. Stallone shoulda used her last name for the title character in the Rocky movies. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• And Tua Fock in three open-to-the-breeze tops. We are not making fun of her name, no we are not. Would be too easy. (1, 2, 3)

• and last up is the biggest fashion model of them all, a woman to call when JLo's bottom is just too damn waifish for your tastes.

"Cross of Iron"

Cross of Iron represents Sam Pekinpah's only venture into the war movie genre. This movie came very late in his career. After this film he was to make only three more films before his death in 1984.

Cross of Iron is set on the Russian front in 1943. The story centers around sergeant Steiner (played by James Coburn), a battle hardened veteran who leads a recon platoon. The daily routine changes when he is given a new commander, a Captain Stranksy (played by Maximilian Schell) who comes from a line of aristocratic officers. Stranky's sole purpose of his assignment is to acquire the Iron Cross. Stransky will stop at nothing, including the sacrifice of his underlings, to acquire the medal. Other members of the cast include David mason (with his English accent) as the battalion commander, and David Warner, as his adjutant. Senta Berger plays Eva, a nurse at a German field hospital where Steiner convalesces after receiving a nasty head wound.

The story takes several twists and turns. Steiner ends up betrayed and forced to return home from deep behind Soviet lines. It never seems to fully resolve. It ends with Steiner telling Stransky "I will show you where the iron crosses grow"

The production was excellent. The movie was filmed in Yugoslavia. The details were well done down to using real T-34 tanks from the Yugoslavian Army. Throughout we see Peckinpah's characteristic Slow-action style of filming. One gets the feeling of just how much mud and blood were part of the eastern front soldiers life.

The movie gets a 7.4/10 rating from the IMDb. The nudity is sparse as Peckinpah seems to have gotten prudish in his old age. We see Senta Berger's backside as she changes clothing in the hospital. We also have a scene as Steiner's lost patrol captures a Soviet bridge outpost and proceeds to steal the uniforms from some female soldiers. We also get treated to a very painful scene as one of Steiner's soldiers gets his member bitten off by a woman soldier, whom he forced to perform felatio on him.

The DVD transfer was a big disappointment. The quality of the video is mediocre at best. The extra features are decidedly lacking. Only a chapter search (big chapters at that) and a photo gallery are available. The DVD is priced rather high at $29.99 from Amazon and seemingly, everyplace else. This is not a bargain considering the decidedly mediocre quality.

• Senta Berger
• Unknowns

Today we look at a really bad movie, "Witchcraft 2:The Temptress". About the only good thing to this movie is Mia Ruiz, seen first in an overflowing bra and then naked making love in a scene that is being hallucinated by her boyfriend. The final cap shows a pretty gruesome marked up chest.

• Mia Ruiz (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

In the clean out your hard drive category, here's a couple of caps of a young Fran Drescher ("The Nanny") in 1980's "Hollywood Knights".

• Fran Drescher (1, 2)

CLINTON MASSAGES MORE THAN THE TRUTH
It Also Equivocates! - It's never too early to start shopping for next Christmas, so visit www.talkingslickwillie.com and buy the Talking Slick Willie Presidential Massager, just $29.95. It's a personal vibrator shaped like Bill Clinton, which the maker promises "tickles, stimulates, vibrates, vacillates, exaggerates" and even talks, saying seven funny phrases. The makers claim they don't mean to insult the ex-president, but to "erect a monument" to him -- a vibrating monument.