Emanuelle in America (1976) is one of the Italian Black Emanuelle series. By this time, the premise was that Emanuale was a liberated woman with a boyfriend, had some occupation that took her all over, and she got laid in most or all of those places. By 1976, soft-core still ruled in most countries, but France was asking for some hard core content, so director Joe D'Amato not only added some oral sex and insertion, but a naked women jacking off a horse and a home brew 8mm snuff film.

Laura looked wonderful, which is what she is best at, and was stark naked through much of the film. She refused to do hard core. Based on the DVD interviews, I think D'Amato, whom she became good friends with over the course of several pictures, respected her for that decision.

Tonight, Laura Genser. Tonight, scores of other naked women from the film.

Belly of the Beast (2003)

It is almost film heresy to say this, but the last two Steven Seagal movies have been watchable.

A couple of years ago, it looked like the plus-sized warrior was headed for a future as a fishing guide. He made three abysmal movies in a row (links to IMDb)

1. Foreigner, The (2003)
2. Half Past Dead (2002)
3. Ticker (2001)

But the last two, Belly of the Beast and Out for a Kill, are pretty solid straight-to-vid entertainment. Now don't jump all over me for praising the guy. These two films are not Raiders of the Lost Ark, by any means, but they do represent a marked improvement over those previous three. Seagal is also credited as a writer on this film, as he was in Out for a Kill, so he benefited from taking more control of his projects.

In this one, Big Steve is a retired CIA operative whose daughter is kidnapped in Thailand. The bad guys weren't after Steve's kid, but her traveling companion, a senator's daughter. The plot workings are far too complicated, with various American factions bickering and various Thai factions maneuvering slyly. Everyone wants to blame some Muslim terrorists for the kidnapping, but Seagal's local knowledge tells him that is a cover story, and that something stinks of corruption and betrayal at the highest levels, among the people he used to trust the most.

Steve and his former CIA partner, now a Buddhist monk willing to toss off the robes and do what it takes to help the Weighty Warrior, double-handedly defeat a small army of what must be more than 100 men. In fact, the monk defeats the entire army by himself, while Segal is upstairs going one-on-one with one guy who styles himself as the ultimate fighting machine.

Well, as you might guess, Mr Ultimate is now Mr Penultimate, having been casually dismissed by Big Steve's Meaty Mitts.

The action is not realistic, the plot is too muddled, the exaggerated faux-respect for Thai culture is grating, and the respect and loyalty themes are played out with way too much schmaltz, but the film has some cool fight scenes, good production values, and some exotic locales photographed well. The substitutions between Steven and his stunt man were done much more smoothly than in the last few Seagal pictures. Overall, it is a tolerable STV watch.

I have learned not to show disrespect for Asian cultures in the presence of the Stout Sensai. At one point Ol' Steve is just bowin' and prayin' to beat the band, with some arcane Asian rituals. He has three little bamboo sticks with red ink on the tips, and he takes these sticks, and places them with the red tip downward, in a half-glass of water in front of a picture of his late wife. (Does Seagal always have a "late wife" in these things? ) He's really into the ritual, and he's arrangin' the angle of the little stickies just so, and I'm laughin', and you know what happened? He jumped right out of my computer and kicked my ass. Well, actually, it was his stunt double, but it hurt just the same. And then he made me whittle some little stickies and paint the tips red and arrange them in front of his wife's picture, but I accidentally got one of the sticks kind of a red-orange instead of red, so he had his stunt double kick my ass again, while he emptied out my refrigerator.

Boy is he strict about those rituals.

I was about to type "about those phony-baloney rituals", but I deleted the phony-baloney part. I suppose you think I changed my mind because I am a pussy and didn't want to get my ass kicked and my refrigerator raided again by Steve and his stunt double. But that's not the reason. I have an anti-ninja firewall now. The real reason that I changed my mind is that I realized that those rituals must have been genuine, because whenever he did them, the musical score would be some Susie Wong music followed by a resounding gong. A gong! You just don't get any more authentic Asian than that.

There was one thing that didn't work in the fight scenes. Too many of the fighting effects were created during post-editing. In one scene, the Thai stuntman did an absolutely brilliant leap off a pile of lumber. He was poised with two swords arranged in a perfect balletic line in mid-air. Of course, it was obvious that Seagal was not really there at the time, but was simply striking a pose in front of a blue screen against an imaginary opponent who was to approach him on the ground. The two scenes must have been combined in post-production. Look at Seagal's head and eyes in the picture on the Movie House page. He is obviously looking nowhere near the attacker.

• Malin Moberg

• I don't know who this is, but she is gorgeous. It's a pretty cool scene. She adds a liquid to her topless body in order to reveal a secret message written on her skin.

UPDATES:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.

OTHER CRAP:

• Should students be allowed to hook up with professors? Not only allowed, but required. With professors and webmasters.
• Here's a better picture of Crocodile Dude and his family.
• Seinfeld's 'Festivus' holiday catching on.
• USA TODAY Survey: Detroit named nation's fattest city. Just don't scream "We're Number One" too loud. You have to watch your heart.
• Rob Zombie is about to increase his body count. His script for 'Even More than 1000 Corpses' is greenlighted
• - Coming Soon! has a new trailer for Johnson Family Vacation: a road trip comedy starring Cedric the Entertainer, Lester the Drawbridge Oiler, Bow Wow, Cheep Cheep, and Vanessa Williams.
• Here is the trailer from Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. I hate to admit it, but it's kinda cute, and Affleck seems pretty charming in the trailer.
• LEECHES U.S.A. / Everything you need to know about American Leeches, including a link for "emergency delivery". Your leech in 15 minutes - or it's free! And thank God they're American leeches! It brought a tear to my patriotic eye to see Americans starting to close the all-important leech gap.
• URL says it all: Boobtoys.com
• URL says it all: Casketfurniture.com
• Atlantic City catfight pits party-loving starlet Tara Reid against Internet siren Cindy Margolis.
• .:: “We are very excited to be hosting a cornhole tournament, one of Cincinnatians’ favorite pastimes,” ::.. San Francisco must have been heartbroken to lose this event.
• Here's a picture of that crocodile guy holding his baby while he feeds the beast.
• "Auditions will be held in Chicago, New York and Los Angeles next month by producers casting a koo-koo ring-a-ding new musical about the life of entertainer Sammy Davis Jr."
• Here's a slideshow of the World's Longest Snake. Ron Jeremy was on hand to pass the torch.
• Art Nudes
• Watch Hegre doing a nude photoshoot
• Here's a picture of the Norwegian guy who won World Idol. Obviously, looks are not part of the rating system.
• MSNBC - The worst movies of 2003. Pretty damned good list.
• INeedARedhead.com - lots of free content in their previews
• Manning, McNair Tie for AP's MVP Award: "Star quarterbacks Peyton Manning and Steve McNair reached the individual pinnacle of the NFL on Friday when they shared The Associated Press NFL Most Valuable Player award"
• NFL Statistics QB When you look at the numbers, that MVP tie between McNair and Manning actually makes some sense.
• CBS and NBC think it is too early to call the election, but God says it's Bush in a landslide. Save your time on election day, because the Creator of All Things already called 43 states for Dubya, with New Hampshire too close to call, even with the much-coveted power of omniscience. Interestingly, the Lord of Hosts attributed Dubya's victory to "that douchebag Nader".
• Samurai Deli Department: "Police say a robber who attempted to rob a store was chased off by a sword-wielding store owner". The robber disguises himself by wearing Oshkosh B'Gosh overalls on his head.
• The weepfest House of Sand and Fog, reviewed by Mr. Cranky: "About all it's lacking is Santa Claus clubbing baby seals to death with Oprah's severed head."
• American Idol audition "the worst singer in the world". This is actually very sad.
• Remember George Bush's childlike love poem to Laura? He didn't write it. : "MRS. BUSH: Well, of course, he didn't really write the poem. But a lot of people really believed that he did"
• Rush lead guitarist arrested in New Year's Brawl. With mugshots.
• Crocodile Hunter Irwin takes baby to crocodile feeding
• The official site for Starsky & Hutch : 2004 is now online.
• A doper's alternative to the Vagina Monologues, the Marijuana-logues. Pretty funny stuff.
• For lovers of capital letters: ORLANDO BLOOM IS A CRIMINAL! "HE PUNCHED THE SHIT OUT OF MY MAILBOX (NOBODY SAW IT BUT I KNOW HIS WORK)"
• Michael Ray, the Redneck Vampire. Ah, the creatures of the night. What sweet C&W music they make.
• The Book of Madness.
• Mini-KISS in concert. Frankly, these guys completely suck. They looked for the world's worst singers, but Bill Shatner was too tall, and Tom Cruise was too short, so they had to go with these guys.
• A lawsuit by Haitian groups that asks for the top-selling video game 'Grand Theft Auto: Vice City' to be removed from store shelves will be decided in federal court. Haitian community representatives say it incites hate crimes against Haitians.
• Chill out in an Igloo - with a four-star rating
• Google Press Center: 2003 Year-End Zeitgeist Search patterns, trends and surprises.
• X-RATED - Adult movie posters of the 60s and 70s Fascinating nostalgia - excellent quality
• Major parole moves on the table in California. The Governator wants to free people in prison for non-violent stuff like marijuana possession. That actually makes sense. California's entire legal system is a bloated fiasco which needs house cleaning, and The Last Action Hero is the man to do it.
• RollingStone.com - 2003 Pop Quiz
• A SELF-STYLED voodoo doctor from Norwich today claimed he helped set The Darkness on their meteoric rise to stardom by brokering a deal with Lucifer, prince of darkness. I wonder if they got a better deal than Cher.
• Top 10 science stories of 2003 Number two was: "Masturbating may protect against prostate cancer"
• 'Sex and the City' begins its final fling
• From Variety - current FILM PRODUCTION CHART
• Eavesdrop on hackers at 2600: The Hacker Quarterly
• Times Square at New Year's Eve - New Year Celebration in New York - Full Screen QTVR photos from panoramas.dk
• Batman: Dead End. This must be one of the best fan films ever made. 8 minutes long, full movie quality.
• There were a dozen massive paparazzi pictures of Rebecca Gayheart sunbathing at St Barts.
• Chelsea gets funky with Mark Wahlberg - here's a picture of Chelsea out on the town.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Two little words....

Jessica Alba. Nuff said.

These collages come from Idle Hands, a decent enough little campy movie about a demonic mass-murderer who has taken the form of a detached hand. The hand gropes, which qualifies it to be the next governor of Cahleefournya. And it grabs and, apparently, it ties up the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. Sign me the fuck up!

'Course we have us the problem outlined before by Scoopy Sr. as to how a hand could be threatening. Newton mechanics, with all its demands of fulcrum and leaverarm and torque, says a hand detached at the wrist should be able to do nada. But it's only a movie. I should learn to just relax.

Nine collages. First fisrt is offered to show off Ms. Alba's face. THE modern Helen of Troy, this woman. In the other eight collage is a sequence that is progressively more revealing, leading to a bit of the nicest bum you might ever behold. Notice her co-stars hands. How did he kept himself from copping a feel? Heroic self-restraint? Either that or a door that swings in the other direction.

• Jessica Alba (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Today, we pay a return visit to Gabriella Hall in "The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man".

I just love this woman! Sexy, sexy, Sexy.

Anyway here's Gabriella in various stages of dressed and undressed, showing breasts and pubes.

• Gabriella Hall (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

Krystal
(1, 2)

Natallie Moore
(1, 2, 3, 4)

Rio
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Kelly Wales
(1, 2)

JACKSON POLICE ACCUSATIONS DENIED
Never-Neverland - Santa Barbara County, California, sheriff's officials say that Michael Jackson may face false allegation charges for claiming that he was manhandled by police who dislocated his shoulder and made him sit alone in a filthy toilet. They say surveillance video shows he was treated courteously, kept briefly in a holding room that's scrubbed daily, and that he chatted politely with cops, whistled, thanked them for turning on the air conditioning, and blew a kiss to the other inmates.