Uncle Scoopy's Fun House

Thursday

Notes

NOTE TO ALL: Scoopy Jr writes the bulk of the commentary these days, while Uncle Scoopy continues to add his daily column, Contact junior by writing junior@scoopy.com. Contact Scoopy by writing unclescoopy@msn.com. Contact Tuna by writing tuna@scoopy.com Send submissions to scoopy@scoopy.net

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Tuna

"Hammers over the Anvil" (1991) Australian made Hammers Over the Anvil (1991) is a relatively unknown coming of age film about a boy, Alan Marshall, who is crippled, probably by polio, but tries not to let it slow him down. His biggest dream is to ride horses like his hero, East, who is a loner, but hero to all the boys in town, and an object of lust for all of the young women. In the opening scene, East is bathing nude in a stream with his horses, while Alan talks about him. Charlotte Rampling plays the part of a rich married woman who befriends Alan. Alan discovers that she is having an affair with East when he catches them together in East's stable. It is only a matter of time until her adultery is found out.

Charlotte and Russel Crowe (East) are magic together. Her cool, sophisticated sensuality and his rugged looks and disposition create great chemistry. Alexander Outhred won an Australian best newcomer award for his portrayal of Alan. The locations are spectacular, and the photography breathtaking. 33 IMDB readers have it at 7.0, and I agree. If you enjoy coming of age stories/romance/character driven drama, this is one worth seeing.

Scoopy's comments: Tuna and I rarely disagree on films, but I have some reservations about this one, which I also watched today. How's that for a coincidence? To make the coincidence even spookier, there was a news service article about this film today, talking about Crowe's nude scene on horseback! That's probably the most attention the film has had in one day since it was made

I like the film itself and Tuna described it perfectly. I agree with what he said, but rent it, don't buy it. I would caution you strongly against buying the DVD. There are no features at all, and the DVD mastering is absolutely terrible - dark and often out of focus during the frame transitions.. The original scenery must have been spectacular, indeed, but the colors aren't vivid enough on the DVD to really show it off properly.

Also, I thought Charlotte Rampling looked painfully old and tired, old enough to be playing Crowe's mom, not his lover. And, indeed, she is old enough to be his mother. She will be 56 next month, Crowe is 36. (The film is 9 years old)

Sidebar - did you know that the only other movie directed by this woman is the very quirky and obscure Sandra Bernhard movie Dallas Doll?

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Charlotte Rampling (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"Vice Girls" (1996)

Vice Girls (1996) is a product of Roger Corman's Sunset Films International, and proves that exploitation is not dead. It is kind of a Charlie's Angels meets Miami Vice, and also a homage to Quentin Tarantino, and to 8mm. Lana Clarkson has been promoted to detective, has a drinking problem, uses a bar run by an ex cop as headquarters, and is hot on the trail of a serial killer who strangles young street girls. Liat Goodson and Kimgerly Roberts are assigned to work with her, and the three become the "Vice Girls." Memorable moments include Clarkson dragging a bar patron into the ladies room for sex, a bra with a homing device and audio/video capability built into the nipples ("Be careful, the nipples are sensitive"), and Caroline Keenan as Clarkson's little sister/street person who can actually act.

Given that the killer is making snuff films, and the Vice Girls delve into the porno industry, there is ample opportunity to show breast flesh. The film is nicely crafted, the DVD is a good transfer, Billy Bob says see it, and the handful of IMDB readers that voted give it a 5.6/10. When the moment calls for mindless entertainment, Vice Girls might be the ideal choice.

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Heather Ward (1, 2)

Lana Clarkson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

... Random Encounter (1998) is an "unrated" film starring dame Elizabeth Berkley, so I had some high hopes. Turns out she plays a corporate CEO (?!), and there's no nudity at all. It was unrated because they had no distribution deal, so they never submitted it for a rating. Sounds good, doesn't it? Well, it is better than it sounds, but I guess it would have to be.

As for the belle dame, many ask why I call her Dame Berkley? Well, the queen can knight her favorites and I do mine. Who, I ask, has the more potent criteria? The queen is always choosing someone for their dignity and acting competence like Dame Helen Hayes. Well, aren't we grand? Dame Hayes was in stage, screen TV, and radio for something like 113 years, during which she didn't do one good lapdance. OK, maybe she did do a couple of radio lapdances, but those don't count. You don't have to be naked or even near the dancee, and all the noises are made by a little man rubbing sandpaper blocks together. Is that worthy of Damehood? I think not.

The Way of the Gun (2000) is one of those tragically hip movies about petty thugs and bag men who have conversations about God, friendship, motherhood, and retirement. Two sleazebags kidnap a surrogate mother, knowing that she's carrying for a rich guy. Turns out that the rich guy is a rich mob guy, and he sends the ransom, but accompanied by an army of thugs to the tiny Mexican village where they are hanging out. As you have no doubt figured out by now, it's inspired by the Peckinpah-Tarantino existentialist school of stylized violence. Don't be put off by the presence of Ryan Phillippe in the cast. He does OK, and the movie is an excellent and imaginative genre pic if you like this genre, but no nudity. (And of course if you don't get into grisly gunfights and splatter, this ain't for you, bro, no matter how much you enjoy hearing Jimmy Caan discuss the meaning of life ...)

Magicians (2000) (no review) is an odd little movie about grade z showbiz aspirants. A magician who has the showmanship, but no gift for sleight of hand. A pickpocket who has the sleight of hand, but a terrible case of stage fright. A washed-up manager who agrees to represent them. A truckstop waitress, who gets in the car with strangers and agrees to drive to Vegas to be their lovely assistant, just because they asked her. Actually, I kinda liked this offbeat TV-quality film, but there's no nudity. Claire Forlani does prance around in a bikini, and that ain't so bad at all.

Under Suspicion (2000) is virtually a two character play. Gene Hackman plays a rich guy being interrogated for violent crimes against children, Morgan Freeman is the police captain. We certainly don't want to see those guys nekkid, but Monica Bellucci single handedly raises the average beauty level of the cast back up to normal, and she does get naked. Come to think of it, she always gets naked. Junior asked the other day about the naked ratio for actresses in real movies, and Bellucci may be 100%. I don't remember seeing her in anything where she stayed dressed.

The pictures of Bellucci (1, 2)

Other candidates:

I think Sophie Marceau has showed something in every adult role except that awful David Spade thing, but her James Bond role had her hair taped to her nipples!

Winslet has a good streak going, but has not done nudity in every role.

In her prime, Helen Mirren stayed dressed in some films (at least in "The Long Good Friday" that I can name immediately).

Is anybody else a candidate for nudity in every movie? (Now we're not talking Julie Strain or Shannon Tweed here. We mean real movies.)

Brainscan

Comments by Brainscan:

Junior-

What we need here is a cure for the small boob blues. And PETScan provided a good start with a half-d0zen scans of former Pet and current B movie bim, Julie K Smith (he was supposed to have these done so that we could send them in with the Pretty Smart vidcaps, as a Julie-before-and-after exercise, but he got busy with his real life). Despite the man-made nature of Julie's hooties the boys here on the farm have named her one of the ten guilty pleasures in the movies. The boys tell me she even has her own website, but then it seems every woman to have ever posed nude for Penthouse says her own website. Anywho, this ought to raise the booby average above the the Mendoza line for the day.

(Junior, do I recall some time back that a Funhouse reader sent Senior the tapes of Julie gettin it on with a fella? Weren't they supposed to be capped by someone??? Did I miss them or what? If'n no one else is interested I'll give them a whack. Let me rephrase that: I will attempt to cap those puppies).

Julie K Smith (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Zenguru

With Blinky in retirement, there is no doubt who rules the runways. The guru's great finds and colorful collages malke him one of our favorite contributors.

Missy Rayder

Fernanda Tavares

Jeisa Chiminazzo

Vanessa Greca

Scanman

Scanman is still out there, still churning out new material.

From "Stealing Beauty"

Liv Tyler

Rachel Weisz

From "Kleptomania"

Patsy Kensit

Amy Irving