Emanuelle in America (day two) -- First, tonight's nudity. We have Paola Senatore, Lorraine de Selle, and scores of other women I was unable to identify, al nude. I separated the horse scene and the hard core images for those that want o go straight to or avoid that content. I passed on the 8mm snuff film for two reasons. First, it was intentionally very poor quality, and second, it was very disturbing and not at all erotic. It was so disturbing, in fact, that one of the actresses sued, claiming she was traumatized watching her breast sliced off, and she won the lawsuit. Many say this unrated version is the directors cut, which is not at all true.

The directors cut was the one released in Italy, minus the hard core content and the horse scene. This is the French expanded version we now have access to. D'Amato believed that hard core kills eroticism. To illustrate his point, he related one of his personal most erotic memories. Evidently, he spent most of his 13th summer hanging out in a windy parking lot to look up women's skirts when they got out of their cars. Now that is my kind of perv.

Although this film has a very loose narrative structure, being essentially a series of vignettes about Emanuelle, investigative photojournalist, exposing one sex ring after another, it is probably the most coherent plot of ay of D'Amato's films. Lighting, sound, photography and editing are top notch. WHat all this adds up to is the best of the D'Amato/Gemser "Black Emanuelle" series, and an easy C+

Cold Mountain (2003)

I though the movie was OK, but overlong, and this sex scene was actually not all that good, but the interaction between Kidman and Jude Law just before the sex scene was very sexy, and very romantic. Kidman did so much with her facial expressions that she didn't even need dialogue and, as I pointed out in my review, four years of starvation, killing, and exposure to the elements made her even more beautiful!

I finally got a decent VHS screener to work with. It's not ideal, in fact the quality still sucks, but you can now see the details clearly, and  it's a helluvan improvement over the crap I had a couple of days ago.

• Nicole Kidman. (1, 2, 3) We haven't seen Kidman's butt in a couple of years, and I had forgotten just how beautiful it is. (Collage #3) Unfortunately, when you watch this in the theater, it flashes by so fast and so dark that you are barely aware of it.

Godsend (2004)

The first nude scene for 2004!

As reported today by Coming Soon and JoBlo, this location - http://209.132.218.55/godsend/godsend.html - contains a link to two movie files, featuring a sex scene with Rebecca Romijn and Greg Kinnear where she's quite clearly topless, in good light. The name of the movie is Godsend, a De Niro thriller/horror film about cloning.

If the link is dead by the time you check this, I downloaded it, so I'll put it in the Funhouse tomorrow.

Here's the big kicker: the studio has announced in the trades that they are going to cut the film to make a PG-13 rating. Considering the amount of sport-humping going on here, this scene may disappear altogether from the theatrical release, and there is no guarantee it will show up on the DVD. Remember, there was toplessness in the first cut of Reindeer Games that did not appear in tyhe theater, and then did not even re-appear on the "extended director's cut DVD". So this may be your one and only chance to see this.

Here are some small captures, just in case you miss the film clip:

• Rebecca Romijn (1, 2)
   

Mailbox:

Uncle Scoopy,

With the 50th Anniversary of the Bunny Magazine, I went through the data of all the playmates and found the “average” playmate of the first 50 years based on their “playmate data sheets”: 35-23-35, 115 lbs, 5' 6", 22 years old. I then went through the data sheets again and found 5 playmates that came the closest to meeting these statistics: Miss December 1961 Lynn Karrol  (35- 22-35 115 lbs,  5' 6.5", 22 years old), Miss November 1967 Kaya Christian (35.5-23-34, 115 lbs,  5' 6", 21 years old), Miss April 1975 Victoria Cunningham (36-23-35, 115 lbs, 5' 6", 22 years old), Miss July 1987 Carmen Berg (35-23-35, 115 lbs,  5' 7", 23 years old), and Miss January 1991 Stacy Leigh Arthur (36D-23-35, 115 lbs, 5' 7", 22 years old). When push comes to shove, Miss April 1975 Victoria Cunningham is statistically the “most average” since of the five her birthday (May 28, 1952) is the closest to the “average” birthdate of November 7, 1956.

When I was looking at the data, I noticed a trend that was occurring throughout the years. For those people who think that the playmates of yore were better looking, I actually have a mathematical argument in their defense: the hourglass index. I take the average of the bust and hips and then subtract the waist. This index gives us the “curves” of a woman. The higher the score, the more she is shaped like an hour glass; the lower the score, the more “androgynous” she may appear. Through the 50 years, the average bust and hips have gotten smaller while the waist has gotten bigger. Thus, the hourglass index has been getting smaller:
1950s 12.75, 1960s 13.05, 1970s 11.69 , 1980s 11.55, 1990s 10.97, 2000s 9.94. The highest index (18.0) belongs to Miss June 1958 Judy Lee Tomerlin and the smallest (6.5!) belongs to Miss April 2003 Carmella DeCesare.

Most of the early data is incomplete, however, since almost half of the playmates in the 1950s did not have a data sheet (36 of 73) or the data sheets were incomplete.
 

OTHER CRAP:

• Top 10 spam topics of the year
• Jesus is a Democrat, claims Dean. John Kerry said, "fuckin A". Jesus himself pointed out that his principles "verily require me to embrace all men of all parties, except that douchebag Nader"
• Britney Spears Married in Las Vegas. Really. Honest. People Magazine says "before you make any plans to send wedding gifts, a source close to the pop star insists it was all a joke that went too far, and that Spears is already making plans to annul the marriage. Says someone close to Spears: 'I don't know what's going through her mind.'"
• Some new images from Resident Evil: Apocalypse
• Advance picture of Brad Pitt as Achilles in Troy
• Cringely's tech predictions for 2004.
• Here's a New Year's party you should have attended. The Mouseketeer joined Kobe and Paris Hilton, and 378 lawyers. The little pop diva apparently had quite a bit of Champagne. Kobe got all confused, thought Paris Hilton was a motel and asked to get a tour from her desk clerk.
• The SNL skit: Dean For President 2004, in which Gore endorses Dean
• Sex Addicts Anonymous -Meetings by State/City. You say you don't need their help? So what? I just want to remind you that every woman there is addicted to sex.
• Legislator opposed medical marijuana for coping with pain - until he got sick . Now he says, "It's a totally righteous idea, dudes!"
• The Kevin Bacon Oracle thingy has been updated. You can now link people through TV as well as movies.
• Rocker Ozzy Says He 'Died' Twice After Bike Crash. I'm sure Allstate promptly paid double on his life insurance.
• Sixty-five percent of Britons don't know in which US city the hit musical 'Chicago' is set in Another 57 percent didn't know the city where the celebrated television soap opera 'Dallas' was set, and about two-thirds were equally at a loss to identify the city at the heart of the Roger Whittaker ballad 'Streets of London', the country which is home to the French Alps, and the city where the Vienna Philharmonic is based. This sounds bogus to me, but it's still funny, so, whatever ...
• CBS | Late Show : Dave's Record Collection. All the song titles are linked to actual recordings. I was laughing my ass off at this site. Don't miss "Polish Sex by Li'l Wally - New Polish Sexy Songs". Is that a kielbasa in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
• How would Jesus play the market?
• Cara Scissoria - home made greeting cards. This is normally not my kind of material, but her work is VERY clever and surreal - check them out.
• Super Marketing is a site dedicated to the most memorable and audacious ads from American comic books.
• The theme of the latest photoshop contest at FreakingNews.com: What other INSANE things could Croc Guy Steve Irwin do that would shock the world?
• You think the Rose Bowl Parade is awesome? Then you haven't seen the annual Hustisford Toilet Bowl Parade. It has been held for 39 consecutive years, except for the one year when it was called on account of constipation.
• Will the last one to leave the Texas Democratic Party office please shut off the coffee pot?
• The Fuccon Family -|- Oh Mikey!: "The story of a three-mannequin American family who has moved to Japan." This is some strange stuff. Oh, wait, that isn't a mannequin - it's Keanu Reeves.
• Americans Faced with 'Ultimate Challenge': "A popular European game show that features contestants taking part in wacky challenges -- from real bull fights to bungee stunts -- is headed for the U.S. market. "
• Business as usual - 'King' will sit comfortably on box office throne for another week.
• How Charlize Theron Gained 30 Pounds for 'Monster' Two words: Krispy Kreme
• Holly Joan Hart, Playmate of the Month in April 1998. Free Playmate gallery courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• Jetset - Designs for Modern Living: Concept and Prototype Cars never put into production
• The Webby Awards: 2003 Winners
• I gotta get me this car.
• Mobog: "Send pics directly from your camera-phone to pics@mobog.com and they will be displayed here within 1 minute". Lots of instant nudies in the mix.
• The Year of the weird: Dubious, dumb and delightful achievements at the movies. Good analysis in general, which correctly recognizes some forgotten moments and performances, but can you guess the gender of the author from this line: "none of these movies were musicals, but all conveyed, just for a moment, the rapture that dance can bring."
   

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Juliette Binoche,topless and gettin' it on in scenes from "Damage" (1992).

• Theresa Russell, full frontal and gyno-cam views in scenes from "Eureka" (1986).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Scoops,
Recently I came across one of these German mid-70's soft core flicks. I'm willing to bet Fun House readers have never heard of any of the chicks (like me). The German title "Zimmermädchen machen es gern" means something like "Chambermaids like to do it". I suggest we call it "The 5-B Inn"...for bed, breakfast and the other three B's. The plot is like in any other movie of this genre...horrible. But I liked the chicks' natural, unfaked breasts.

• Elke Kraus...fair warning, there is more than bush, there is some serious jungle here!
• Karin Lorson, more full frontal.
• Ursula Stiegelmair, even more full frontal nudity.
• Christine Szenetra, yup, even more full frontal nudity. (1, 2)

Some other stuff...

• Judy Davis full frontal in "On My Own"

• The young co-star of "Boston Public", Courtney Peldon topless in scenes from in "Reality Check"

• Jennifer McComb topless in "Lost in Africa"

"To Live and Die in L.A."
Very good 1985 crime thriller by William Friedkin of "The French Connection" fame, once again featuring a very exciting car chase.

When a Secret Service agent gets too involved in trying to snag a master counterfeiter, he himself crosses the line. A fun, exciting movie to watch, with an interesting small role by a very young Jane Leeves of the "Frasier" TV show.

• Darlanne Fluegel, topless.
• Jane Leeves, showing pokies and wearing black undies.

"The Intended"
A voluptuous. topless Janet McTeer in The Intended.

• Janet McTeer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

"Mr Destiny"
A very sexy Rene Russo in Mr Destiny and cleavage, such as it is, by Courtney Cox.

• Rene Russo (1, 2)
• Courtney Cox

"Dimboola"
Dimboola is a well-known play and movie in Australia about a wedding in the town of Dimbools. Most nudity comes from Claire Binney, who plays a stripper at a bucks turn. Claire Dobbin shows a bit of bush in a midnight streak and boobs by Sue Ingleton and Laurel Frank. In a touch of irony, the movie opens up with a fire in the local pub. This pub was burnt down a couple of months ago.

• Claire Binney (1, 2, 3)
• Claire Dobbin
• Sue Ingleton
• Laurel Frank

"Hysterical Blindness"
No nudity in Hysterical Blindness, but some lovely cleavage by Uma Thurman (what was Ethan thinking??) and Juliette Lewis.

• Uma Thurman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Juliette Lewis (1, 2)

"Things Change"
A bare butt and some sexy shots of a couple of show girls played by Sara Eckhardt and Karen Kohlhaas in Things Change. I'm not 100% sure of the identification, I'm using pictures from elsewhere on the Internet.

• Sara Eckhardt and Karen Kohlhaas (1, 2)

"The Killing Time"
Topless and bare butt shots by Camelia Kath in The Killing Time.

• Camelia Kath (1, 2, 3, 4)

"The Hard Word"
Another Aussie movie is The Hard Word. Th nudity comes form a silicone-filled Leanne McCulloch and a brief nipple by Rhondda Findleton. There are some sexy caps of Kate Atkinson and Rachel Griffiths.

• Leanne McCulloch
• Rhondda Findleton
• Kate Atkinson
• Rachel Griffiths (1, 2)

"Cover Story"
Cover Story is an absolute shocker of a movie. There's nudity by Anna Okuszko, although it's too dark to see anything. Some cleavage by Elizabeth Berkley.

• Anna Okuszko (1, 2)
• Elizabeth Berkley

"Chasing Holden"
Some sexy caps of Rachel Blanchard in Chasing Holden.

• Rachel Blanchard (1, 2, 3)

"Pavement"
Lauren Holly is down to her underwear in Pavement, but the look can best be described as passion killer.

• Lauren Holly (1, 2)

"Hooper"
Some sexy shots of Sally Field in Hooper and some side views of a topless Roxanne Brewer as she jumps out of a box.

• Roxanne Brewer
• Sally Field (1, 2)

"The Affair"
Some side nudity ofin The Affair, but nothing is visible.

• Kerry Fox

"Holding Out Hope"
No nudity by in Holding Out Hope, just some pokies.

• Illeana Douglas

"A Touch of Fate"
More pokies in A Touch of Fate, this time by Teri Hatcher in A Touch of Fate.

• Teri Hatcher