Cloud Nine (2006)

This is a silly movie about a total loser who decides to form a volleyball team with strippers. The sports action is  totally lacking in credibility except for a cameo appearance by Gabriella Reece, and the plot is just a hodge-podge of ideas borrowed from other underdog sports movies. The damned thing doesn't even have much to do with volleyball since, if you think about it, that's a sport where guys can watch pretty girls play in bikinis for free, so there's no real money in it. The strippers make all their money doing their strip act while pretending to be a volleyball team.

Oh, well. Most important for our purposes - there's no worthwhile nudity. There's about five seconds of topless footage from unnamed background characters in the strip club. There is no exposure from the four female leads or from Angie Everhart, who is the designated ringer when the stripper team finally decides to play volleyball for real. (Angie looks like she can play a little.)

The only vaguely funny stuff was in the opening credits, where the film introduces Burt and shows how he manages to live like a rich man. He lives in a trailer in Malibu and uses celebrities' homes when they are away. A few minor celebs make cameos - people like Tony Danza, Gary Busey, Tom Arnold ...

Skip it.

 

Zombie Island Massacre (1984)

The star of the clip is Rita Jenrette. (Zipped .wmv). She was famous enough 25 years ago, but not as an actress. Playboy modeling and "acting" came after her career as the ultimate Washington wife.

The Washington Post described her path to fame as follows:

John and Rita Jenrette, young, social and attractive, appeared to be a model Washington couple. But John, a congressman from South Carolina, was implicated in the Abscam sting that nailed five representatives and one senator on corruption charges. Jenrette's is a bizarre story from beginning to end: Highlights include John's on-air call to the Phil Donahue show when Rita was the guest, a country song commemorating Rita's testimony that she found $25,000 in one of John's shoes, and the Playboy spread on Rita that was photographed with his consent while she and John were still "happily" married (but which didn't appear until after the separation). The two are now best remembered for having sex on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, during a break in an all-night House session.

Tuna described the actual movie (rated 2.2 at IMDb) as follows:

The tag line says it all: HAVE A FUN-FILLED VACATION! Toe-Tapping Machete Head Dances! Glamorous Zombie-Style Cosmetic Surgery! Fabulous Air-Conditioned Tiger Pits! Zombie Island Massacre (1984) is a Troma Team release about a bus full of tourists who take a tour to a remote Caribbean Island to witness a voodoo ritual. After the event, their bus driver goes missing, then their guide, and it looks like the work of zombie ghouls. Turns out, it is various warring factions fighting over a lot of money and Columbian coke. There is not a single thing to recommend about this effort. As for the DVD, it's as bad as the film. The transfer is weak, and the film was probably dark and grainy to begin with.

 

Other Crap:

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

Or, Mon Tresor (2004)

Or (2004) AKA My Treasure, AKA Mon trésor, is an Israeli/French "coming of age" story shot on location in Tel Aviv,. The central character, named Or, is a likeable and attractive 18 year old high school girl who works part time at night as a dishwasher. The real challenge in her life is her mother, who is a street hooker and every bit the run-down whore. Mom is not making good decisions, so Or is trying desperately to take care of her and get her off of the streets. The girl finds her mother a housecleaning job, and even tries locking her inside their apartment, but mom just keeps going back to hooking. Or finally makes a tragic decision when mom comes home hemorrhaging after a night on the streets, and the mother of Or's boyfriend suggests that Or is not worthy of dating her son.

While the storyline is certainly sensational, the film is in no way to be considered exploitation. Mother and daughter share some nice moments, and the story is told rather calmly, letting the plot speak for itself.

It is directed perfectly, getting the best out of the cast, and not getting in the way of the wonderful writing. Both Ronit Elkabetz (mom) and Dana Ivgy (Or) gave brilliant performances. These days, I have a low tolerance for tragedy. I have seen enough of that in real life, and generally go for films with happy endings. This was a big exception. I felt like I knew these women, and really cared what happened to them. Yes, it requires reading subtitles, and is totally character-driven, but it is acted and directed so expertly that none of that matters.

B-

Ronit Elkabetz

Dana Ivgy

All the while I was watching Who Wants to Be An Erotic Billionaire I kept telling myself to chillax.  What I was suffering through had to be The Godfather of lesbian game show parodies.  But no.  Along comes Survivors Exposed and there goes any chance I am watching the best movie ever made in any genre, no matter how narrow.  For ya see, gentlemen, Who Wants is a movie in the same sense that the Houston Texans is a football team or the LA Clippers is a baketball team. I am guessing the screenplay ran 200 words or fewer, that the budget was no more than $50K.  They used one camera and paid no one who knew anything about photography or lighting or makeup or acting or directing or editing.  Other than that is one bang-up good movie.

Here is the idea behind the movie, as told by Edward G. Robinson.  It's a quiz show, see?  With gals and guys, see?  And if you answer a question correctly you get to kanoodle with this nekkid gal named Vivica Taylor....see?  And so she's a bit long in the tooth and her implants belong in a museum of medical monstrosities, but you get to tongue wrestle and grope with her....see...and the person who wins it all also gets 1 billion dollars.  American.  Not that funny, multi-colored Canadian shit that's worth a nickel. BUT, to make this real, real funny we will do a couple of things, see?  Like give the gals questions such as "What color is Roy Rogers' white horse?", whereas the guys are asked to prove Fermat's Last Theorem.  That kinda thing really cracks me up.  See.  And we'll get Julian Wells to ask the questions and adlib a whole bunch of really really funny comment.  They have to be adlibbed.  If someone sat and thought these out and considered them funny he oughta be shot,...see?

Sp when a gal does answer an easy-ass question she gets nekkid and Vivica Taylor gets nekkid and they kiss a lot and do some quasi-psuedo-hemi-muff-diving. The gals in question are the slim, exotic looking Bethany Lott and the blonde and exuberant Allison Slinger.  And then during intermission Bethany does Julian.  After all is said and done Julian also gets ganged up on by the other three.  Not that she seems to mind..  Thar ya go, pards.  That was the plot and most of the dialogue. 

So let me tell you about the nekkidness. 

Allison Slinger looks great.  I'm not much into pneumatic blondes, but this one rings my own personal chimes.   She gives up major hooties and some bum in a thong and just a wee bit of bush, both in the real action and in the behind-the-scenes stuff. IMDb says this is Allison's only work

Bethany Lott is more than sorta okay looking, herself, as she does the triple B tango  She continues to be a part of the Misty Mundae stable of actresses.

Julian Wells is a veteran of that Mundae group. She looks fine and dandy...natural and slim in five collages of 3 B's.

And then there is Vivica Taylor and a boob job that can be summed up in one sentence: Imagine the Holocaust and then double it.  Shoot, that pretty well describes the whole dang mess.