Tuesday

Tuna
"The Contract" (1999) from Tuna

The Contract (1999) came and went pretty much without notice. The two reviews linked at IMDB aren't even there. One of the two who commented at IMDB liked the titles, but had little use for any other aspect of the film. That was the positive review of the two. IMDb readers have it at 4.5 of 10 based on 58 votes. Camilla Overbye Roos shows buns in the shower, then breasts in a fairly long hot sex scene. That is probably all you really need to know about this one, but for the ones who are still reading ...


Anna (Roos) has not had a good week. Her creep of a magazine owner boss grabbed her ass, the grocery clerk was a total jerk, her best friend made light of her problems with the boss, her husband was much more interested in the equipment on the waitress than in her story, and they came home to find their baby sitter tangled up with her boy friend on the sofa. Anna retreats to the local bar, which, we learn, has been a too frequent occurrence, and pours her heart out to a kind stranger. He takes notes, has her sign them, then agrees to fix everything. Next day, her boss is murdered. Anna has no inkling why, and even the death of the store clerk isn't enough to send her to the police. When the babysitter is killed, she catches on, and the list is now down to people she actually likes.


Time to stop here in case some misguided few of you elect to see this, but I have never seen a more obvious red herring start to finish, a less likely killer, or a lamer final twist. And to top it off, they make no attempt at all to explain. Roos is worth seeing naked, but maybe watching this film is too high a price to pay. And as to the MTV style titles, I didn't care for them. D-.

Scoop's note: this movie was so bad I rated it a "G", a rating only applicable to movies that would otherwise be Fs, but also have the additional liability of Jeff Fahey. Camilla's nudity is the single reason to watch.

  • Thumbnails (1, 2)
  • Camilla Overbye Roos ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    UFO (1993):

    Roy "Chubby" Brown can best be described as a Northern provincial version of Benny Hill. He's equally bawdy and sexist, but more foul-mouthed. He tells lowbrow ribald jokes, he makes lewd comments about the body parts and functions of every woman he meets, and he has a regional accent which is almost impenetrable at first listen. Invariably dressed as a modern version of a court jester, Chubby wears a suit made of a colorful patchwork quilt, with the pants ending about mid-calf. He never removes an old-fashioned leather aviator's helmet, with the goggles sitting permanently on his forehead. 

    The Chubster is the resident local comedian of Blackpool, a resort town on the Irish Sea just north of Liverpool. For you Yanks, Blackpool can best be described as an English seaside version of Branson, Missouri. It's a small place which has been built up as an entertainment center as culturally distant from London as Branson is from New York. Chubby has his own personal club there, just as Yakov Smirnoff has his own club in Branson.

    In this film, Chubby plays the part of Roy Chubby Brown, a foul-mouthed sexist pig who is so offensive to the politically correct people of the future that they decide to go back to kidnap him from the 20th century in their UFO and place him on trial for his crimes against womanhood. The Chubster had to stretch a bit to assay this role, but he nailed it eventually. The ultimate result of his big trial is that he is sentenced to be pregnant permanently until he dies.

    The alleged plot would only take ten minutes of screen time. The rest of the time is spent with Chubby mugging his comedy routines directly into the camera, or singing some silly and raunchy songs.

    This is the part of the commentary where we would normally make some evaluation, but it hardly seems necessary. I think you can tell from the description and the pictures whether you'd like it or not.

    If you haven't already made up your mind, this point may be the deal-maker or -breaker: the film was directed by Tony Dow. Yes, the same Tony Dow who played big brother Wally on Leave it to Beaver.

    • Sara Stockbridge (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    • Others (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 )

     

    Brides in the Bath (2003):

    This is a British ITV production based on a true story of a serial murderer, circa WW1, who killed his wives in their bathtubs.

    Here's the info

     

    OTHER CRAP:

    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

     

     

    MOVIE REVIEWS:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Rare Foreign goodies from LC
    something old:

    Caligula - the Untold Story (1981):

    Another Joe D'Amato masterpiece

    something new:

    Jeux d'Enfants (2003)

    UC

    Brainscan

    Brainscan's words and pictures:

    • A quick VHS snap of Lisa Comshaw, Petra Verkaik, and Carrie Westcott in Centerfold Fantasies
    • While I'm at it, here are some more VHS caps of non-Hefmate babes. We got Peggy Trentini in Young Doctors in Love, Anitra Ford in Stacey and Pamela Runo in Sins of Desire.
    • Last up are a few collages from the DVD of Out Cold.(2001).  In one mildly amusing scene one of our heroes deposits himself on a gondola and pretends he is there to rescue a group of stranded "Solid Gold Dancers."  How to affect the rescue?  Why, have the
      girls take off their tops, of course. This was supposed to be a teaser-only scene but breasts from three women managed to see the light of the camera. 
      • In the first collage, a few of the babes I recognize are indicated (Odessa Munroe?!).  The girl in back, allowing her hooties to escape is Hefmag model, Christine Caux.
      • I could not identify the redhead, which is too bad because a bit later, for one frame, you catch a glimpse of one of her breasts.  That's in the second collage.
      • Third collage has a brunette coming oh so close to showing more than she might have intended.  Oh well, odd stuff.  It kept me amused for a little while.
         

    Crimson Ghost

    Scoop,

    As a thank you for your kind words concerning my contributions to the Fun House over these last few weeks I'd like to offer up these dozen files of Jeannie Bell from the movie "TNT Jackson".

    Jeannie Bell (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
     

    Miscellaneous
    Some good stuff in here today
    • Sexy, adorable Kirsten Dunst in public without her bra, in a near see-through.
    • Anne Hathaway in much more than a near see-through.
    • Gorgeous Ludivine Sagnier, star of The Swimming Pool, in La Petite Lili
    • Alexa Davalos in "And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself"
    • Rose Bryne in "The Goddess of 1967"
    • Julia-Louis Dreyfus showing off her bra, in the pilot for "Watching Ellie"
    • Julia-Louis Dreyfus in the famous Seinfeld breast escape that she talked about on Arsenio
    • Sally Kirkland in Night Affairs
    • Sharon Stone's big butt in The Muse
    • Singer Pink, back when her bum was small enough to film without a wide-angle lens
    • Singer Billie Piper, topless paparazzi shots, from yesterday's edition of The People (a British tabloid)
    • Tiffany Thiessen, back was she was skinny and flat-chested, wearing a one piece swimsuit in Saved by the Bell. The pictures also include our perennial Fun House favorite, the immortal Mr Belding. (Dennis Haskins. I would have said "aka Dennis Haskins", except that nobody actually knows him as Dennis Haskins.)
    • Jasmine St Clair and Holly Thompson in Voyeur: Sexual Benefits (1, 2)

    Pat Reeder: The Comedy Wire

    www.comedy-wire.com

    Pat's comments in yellow:

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    BRITNEY SPEARS GETS "MARRIED"

    It Was GOLD, Jerry! -

    Britney Spears reportedly married Jason Allen Alexander, a childhood friend she'd recently hooked up with again.  The two were partying at bars in Las Vegas early Saturday morning when they went to a wedding chapel, then went back to Spears' luxury hotel suite for a honeymoon.  But People.com quotes a source close to Britney as saying that the wedding was a joke that got out of hand and will quickly be annulled.

    *  That's why her wedding march was "Oops, I Did It Again."
    *  Guess she's lucky she didn't end up married to Madonna.
    *  So he got to have a honeymoon with a ditzy blonde pop star, but he doesn't have to stay married to her?  Nick Lachey is SO jealous!
    *  It's not a real wedding because she lip-synched the vows.
    *  Britney refuses to have sex outside marriage, so she'll just marry every guy she has sex with.

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    For the past 12 years, Brasstown, North Carolina, has ushered in the New Year with a Possum Drop.  A live possum in a Plexiglass  cage is lowered from the roof of a gas station at midnight.  But not this year: just hours before the celebration, a national animal rights group called organizer Clay Logan and threatened to sue for animal cruelty, so Logan was forced to find a roadkill possum and lower that.  Locals accused the big city busybodies of ruining their tradition.  One said, "Hell of a way to start the new year, saluting a dead possum."

    *  Everyone knows the only way to start a new year is by saluting a live possum!
    *  Hell of a way for the possum, too.
    *  On the bright side, this year, they also made it a barbecue.
    *  The roadkill possum actually was their original possum: the activists had  demanded they release it.
    *  Next year, they'll celebrate by dropping an animal rights activist off the roof.

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    SINGING LESBIANS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

    Strange Bedfellows - The two teenaged lesbian singers from the Russian pop group Tatu announced that they plan to challenge Vladimir Putin by running for joint president of Russia.  Their spokeswoman said, "They are running together.  We cannot separate the girls."  She also said that while the minimum age is 35, they think they qualify because their combined age is 37.

    *  And their combined I.Q. is slightly above average.
    *  Why didn't they run for governor of California when they had the chance?
    *  If they win, C-SPAN will have more teenage male viewers than MTV...And Bill Clinton will beg Bush to appoint him ambassador to Russia.

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    WORST SCREEN LOVERS OF ALL TIME

    Crap Out - In a poll by Film magazine, readers chose Sharon Stone and Joe Pesci in "Casino" as the worst screen lovers ever.  In second place were Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones in "Entrapment," followed by Marlon Brando buttering Maria Schneider in "Last Tango in Paris" and Madonna and Willem Defoe pouring hot candle wax on each other in "Body of Evidence."  One reader called  the Pesci-Stone sex scene "repulsive" and compared it to watching a Munchkin take a shot at Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz."

    *  That reader: Sharon Stone.
    *  Thank God they cut that scene out of "The Wizard of Oz."
    *  Actually, Pesci naked looks more like a flying monkey.
    *  Today, Marlon Brando skips the sex and just eats the butter.
    *  Defoe just wanted to wax off Madonna's body hair before he boinked her.
    *  Catherine Zeta-Jones having sex with a man old enough to be her father?! How does Hollywood think up these repulsive ideas?!

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    Scoop's note: the voters obviously never saw Mr Miyagi's sex scene in "Do or Die". (Near the bottom of the page.P