Swimming Pool (2003):

If you read some articles and reviews of Swimming Pool, you are probably, as I was yesterday, completely deceived about the nature of this film. It is not a thriller of any kind. In fact, nothing even vaguely mysterious happens until 72 minutes into the film. It is, on the surface, a slow moving character-driven psychological crime mystery of the type that used to dominate the episodes of The Twilight Zone or Alfred Hitchcock Presents, more suggestion than delivery, complete with the requisite twist at the end that explains many of the plot elements that seemed particularly clumsy.

You see, those plot devices were clumsy for a reason.

It turns out that this is not even a crime mystery, but an analysis of the creative thought process that goes into creating such a mystery. In fact, I've actually spoiled the whole film for you, but watch it anyway, because, trust me, you have no idea what I am talking about, and will not even realize why I've spoiled it until the film is over and you've re-read these words. And even then you may not understand what I mean, or you may not agree with my interpretation.

There is lots of good news:

1. It is a good film, just not the one that the critics led you to expect. Although it has a leisurely pace, it's filled with a beautiful woman who is naked constantly (Ludivine Sagnier), lurid sex scenes, outrageous seductions (Rampling has a seduction scene with a guy who must be 80), vivid murders, deeply-guarded secrets, mysterious dwarves, villagers who cross themselves and shut the doors when asked certain questions, disappearing/reappearing crucifixes, and what have you. It plays out like a slow, arty, Ingmar Bergman remake of Wild Things.

2. Although it is a French film, it is mostly in the English language.

3. It's a beautifully mastered DVD of a film that looked great to begin with.

Like many a psychological mystery, especially European ones, the pace is glacial at the beginning. It never fires up to hot rod speed, but  it does pick up, and I think many of you will enjoy this.

• Ludivine Sagnier thumbnails (1, 2, 3)

• Ludivine Sagnier (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

• Charlotte Rampling thumbnails

• Charlotte Rampling (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
   

OTHER CRAP:

You might want to look at this one first (hint-hint):

• Fourth Annual Weblog Awards Nominate your favorite weblogs for the Bloggie awards to be presented at SXSW Interactive. You could nominate, for example, Other Crap (OtherCrap.com), in five or ten categories, and/or you could nominate sites that actually deserve to win.

We now return to our broadcast:

• CBS | Late Show: Top Ten Messages on Britney Spears's Answering Machine
• Fontifier - turn your own handwriting into a font.
• Nathan Sawaya | The Art of the Brick What is the friggin' deal with Legos?
• Ian McKellan says the Hobbit is a likely go for Jackson. "It won't be long until I have to put on that blue hat again and become Gandalf - Gandalf The Grey".
• Director Brian De Palma and actors Mark Wahlberg and Josh Hartnett will make The Black Dahlia an adaptation of the James Ellroy crime novel framed around the infamous Hollywood murder of wannabe actress Elizabeth Short.
• Johnny Depp will go to the 17th century for The Libertine, which begins production February 23 outside London. Depp will star opposite John Malkovich and Samantha Morton in a tale based on the true story of John Wilmot, the Earl of Rochester, who was a poet, courtier and notorious rake.
• The good news- it turns out money CAN buy happiness. The bad news - happiness costs $4 million dollars.
• President Bush Starts Out 2004 With 60% Job Approval. He leads Dean by 20 in a head-to-head matchup. Bush's early January job approval rating is the highest for an incumbent seeking re-election since Lyndon Johnson's in 1964. (And Johnson's is misleading, because he had only been president for a month at that time, so he was still on his honeymoon)
• The Sun almost offers us a good look at Mariah's Melons
• True or false? The FBI's "Department for Illegal Internet Downloads" is sending out automated warning messages via e-mail.
• A new trailer for ::TwISted::--- is on line. (Thriller with Ashley Judd and Samuel L)
• The annual awards for the worst reporting of 2003.
• Media Want Judge to Unseal Jacko Files. Meanwhile, prosecutors want gag order on Jackson's attorney.
• A rather odd, and strangely erotic use of Shockwave.
• A FORMER Singapore talk show host has been sentenced to four strokes of the cane and 16 months in prison for 'outraging the modesty of a woman,' a newspaper reported. I don't think Jerry Springer should plan to spend his next vacation in Singapore. Ouch!
• Goofy Sues Disney. When contacted by our reporter, the lanky anthropomorphic canine replied, "ahyoock"
• Playboy.com picks the ten best movie nude scenes
• The Making of the Money Shot Did you wonder how diminutive Howard Dean, who could play the lead in The Station Agent 2, seemed to be the same height as former roundballer Bill Bradley? Answer for you movie buffs: he pulled an Alan Ladd. Others: see details at the link.
• Britain's medicines' agency announced on Tuesday a new study to find out if people taking antidepressant drugs are at increased risk of suicide. A coincidence that this is timed with Mr Bean's period of depression? I think not. This could result in some excellent new episodes of Mr Fookin' Bean.
• The TOP TEN LOSERS OF 2003. From the Comedy Wire.
• Scientists develop a mouse smarter than President Bush. Oh, wait a minute. That was the regular mouse. The genetically-enhanced mouse is smarter than Mozart. (Very authentic-looking hoax site, obviously designed to see how many people fall for it.)
• URL say it all: PENISCHEEK.COM
• Must-see picture of Halle Berry as Catwoman
• Great nostalgia: The Barracks Wall: The WW II Pinup Gallery
• The trailer for Miracle is now online. This is the story of the 1980 "do you believe in miracles?" US Olympic hockey team, starring Snake Plisskin as Herb Brooks. Fast site, but the deluxe Quick Time trailer is 54 meg, so choose that option only if you're a collector or something.
• The trailer for Secret Things is now online. This French film is the story of two gorgeous young women who discover the power of sex as a tool to climb the social ladder. (Slow site and god-awful trailer - but it does have a topless woman in it!)
• The trailer for Tokyo Godfathers (animated) is now online.
• // Dark Project Studios This is a free resource to customize your windows desktop, wallpapers, etc.
• Court to FBI: No spying on in-car computers: The 9th court of appeals ruled: "The FBI and other police agencies may not eavesdrop on conversations inside automobiles equipped with OnStar or similar dashboard computing systems."
• Big-budget movies take a hit at the box office: "Of the big holiday movies, only The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is a clear-cut financial success. "
• JoBlo's Warner Review for 2004
• FilmJerk.com - New Details Emerge on “Stargate: Atlantis”: Two New Regulars Join the Mix
• Flatulence Deodorizer ™ products. You'll fart just as much, but they'll smell like honeysuckle.
• Bad news: Climate Change May Threaten More Than One Million Species With Extinction The good news: they include none of the tasty ones.
• Paltrow's Career Choices Come Under Scrutiny. Gwyn says, "(I) don't care if I'm not No. 1 or No. 5 or No. 10. I'm really (expletive) good at my job"
• America's 5 worst freeways: Well, technically, four freeways and a tollway.
• Manny-for-A-Rod, Nomar-for-Ordonez may be on again.
• It turns out that Mr Fookin' Bean will NOT be Voldemort: "Rowan Atkinson will not be taking the role of evil Voldemort in the Harry Potter films despite press speculation, the actor's agent has confirmed. "
• Ron Howard to cast Russell Crowe in The DaVinci Code?
• Jacko's passport has been confiscated. I don't know why he wanted it anyway. I don't even think it was really his. There was a picture of some black guy on it.
• Loved Ones Worried About Britney: "Friends, loved ones and colleagues are worried about pop tart Britney Spears (search), questioning why the singer's behavior has gotten wackier throughout the year."
• The trailer for Modligiani is now online. I figured it would be kind of an intellectual movie, but I guess it ain't all that smart, because the announcer mispronounces "Modigliani" in the voice-over!!! (It is pronounced correctly by the actors in the clip.)
• New trailers up for Kill Bill
• The trailer for Ichi The Killer is now online. This is one seriously demented film.
• Goldie Hawn is a grandma. Does that make her a GILF?
• An Argentine artist is taking his clothes off in front of all churches, temples and mosques in his country to test their tolerance. Their tolerance for weiners?
• A picture of the Saddam capture
• Just as PAGE SIX predicted in October, Bill Clinton's former flame, Gennifer Flowers, is coming to off-Broadway to star in, 'Boobs! The World According to Ruth Wallis.' "
• Averaging the records from all four major sports, which U.S. city had the winningest sports teams in 2003?
• Celine Dion, set for a star on Hollywood Walk of Fame. It will be on a completely new side street set aside for extremely popular people who completely suck. Dion and David Schwimmer will be the first stars on that street.
• Former British royal coroner insists Diana was NOT pregnant at death. "I have seen into her womb," he told the Times.
• Rolling Stone weighs in on The Recording Industry vs File Swappers
• Us Magazine snaps up Britney's wedding photo
• MR. FOOKIN' BEAN is to play evil Lord Voldemort in the next Harry Potter movie. Man, if he thinks he's depressed now, wait until he sees these reviews!
• Pete Rose still lying? "Pete Rose's former sidekick said yesterday the all-time Hit King is continuing to lie in his gambling confession by claiming he never bet on games from the Cincinnati Reds' clubhouse."
• True or False? Marilyn Monroe provided the inspiration for Disney's Tinker Bell.
• Clark Comes on Strong in New Poll, Dean's lead among Dems cut to four points.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Today we take the time machine back to 1980 and a visit with porn star Vanessa Del Rio in "Girls U.S.A", Vanessa is tied to a rack and has her tits fondled and clamped. These are from VHS, so not the greatest quality.

• Vanessa Del Rio (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Back to the present and a little on the lighter side, we take a look at Jennifer Tilly on "Leno" last week with some major mega-cleavage.

• Jennifer Tilly (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

"Beyond Re-Animator"
Third in the Re-Animator series maintains the blood, gore, and camp of the other two. Good horror fun not to be taken seriously.

In this one the good Dr. West has spent 14 years in jail for the death of a girl killed by one of his experiments. When the new prison doctor is sympathetic to his quest for immortality, things once again go out of control. Incidentially, I hope this movie starts a trend nurses with low-cut tops. :-)

• Elsa Pataky
• Raquel Gribler

POLITICAL GOOFBALL NEWS ROUND-UP
"It's No Choke" - California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger began his first State of the State Address by joking, "I changed my mind. I want to go back to acting." He then called for major spending cuts, calling the executive branch "a mastodon frozen in time," and saying that other governors reorganize government by just moving boxes around, but "I want to blow them up."