What is rarer than deep fried sushi? Copies of the script for The Art of Murder. Why? I don't think they used one. After seeing this recently released direct to video, I firmly believe they did all of the shooting, then sat around wasted at a party and made up a plot to fit what was on film. The results are a suspense thriller that is not only not thrilling, but has more red herrings than a Russian trawler. The acting is consistently bad, the dialogue inane, and the plot is rewritten with each new development. The good news is that Joanna Pacula shows both breasts and her pubic hair. She is married to Cole (Michael Moriarty, who conjures up the worst southern accent I have ever heard), is sleeping with Tony (Boyd Kestner), who works for Cole in what used to be his father's yacht company, and is being blackmailed. How the characters fit into all of this depends on which part of the film you are watching.

This is film making at its worst. IMDB is awaiting 5 votes, and the only review I could find was Apollo, who gives it a 63. They are applauding the fact that the film could have so many twists, yet make the previous scenes work even after each twist. I find that a pretty thin reason to recommend a film.

"Malice" is a noirish thriller which relies on surprise plot twists to keep you watching a clumsy script. If you saw "The Operation", made just three years earlier, you already know the surprises, and don't need to watch "Malice" at all. Kidman is in it and looks lovely, but never really gives us a clear look at any goodies. Debrah Farentino does a nude scene, but in virtual darkness, so the light adjustments create a lot of distortion in the captures. Still, she's flashing some goods, so here they are.

• Farentino
• Kidman (1, 2)
• Paltrow. Gwyneth was in this - fully dressed, as a college student who is the victim of a serial rapist. I just thought you might like to see her at 19 or 20. (Gwyneth's bios do not agree on her birth year. Some say September,1972, others say 1973.) Seems to me she's too young to be fudging her age already, so I guess they are honest errors.)

"The Bedroom Window" is pseudo-Hitchcock film, actually pretty good in some ways. I have to rate it 99/100. Any time I can see Steve Guttenberg, that guarantees a 90/100 rating from me, and when he's naked, the minimum escalates to 99/100, so this is nearly a perfect movie. My idea of the completely perfect movie is one of those Andy Warhol things with one camera and just a two hour close-up of Guttenberg's dick.

Imagine how my hopes were raised when the movie "Dick" came out last year, and my disappointment to find that it was only about Nixon.

Steve's ancestor, Johannes, must be honored. It was ultimately moving type that created the modern entertainment industry - the infinite and rapid replication of identical copies of books, then records, then films and video tapes. So Johannes gave us Steve. But then again, looked at sensibly, all of mankind's long struggle, from the dawn of life on our planet through the struggle to reach dry land, all the way to the creation of great cites and fine arts all led us to a point where someday we could all see the same film starring Steve Guttenberg. It makes you proud to be a part of this whole wacky saga that I like to call the universe.

All seriousness aside, this is a pretty good film by Steve's normal standards. Of course, that's like saying that Hitler's treatment of Belgians was pretty good by his normal standards.

• Isabelle Huppert (1, 2, 3)

I also started on "Henry and June", the exquisitely filmed NC-17 saga of Anais Nin and Henry Miller. Only Uma is in today's collages. (virtually no nudity). I'll rein in the nudes tomorrow, and chat a bit about the flick. Damn fine art direction in this baby, with a consistent look throughout, in its recapturing of the lost generation in interbellum Europe.- look at the collages, and that sure ain't me doin' that look. My concept of Art is related to distinguishing guys named Linkletter, so you know the movie was pretty impressive.

• Uma (1, 2, 3)

Let us come full circle and deal with the babe what brung us. Recall the movies New York Nights prompted the posts of the past few days, beginning with the 1981 flic by that name. Main babe of the movie was former Pet Corinne Alphen. PETScan got to work on a copy of Penthouse from that year and scanned a half-dozen of the best images for you and the boys. This was an oooollldd copy that had not been kept entirely from the elements, so the scan boy had to edit more vigorously than usual; but these are much better than nothing. Don't know if any of youse guys subscribe to the Penthouse site but if they have a couple dozen images of this babe it is probably money well spent.

The write-up of Corinne's portfolio indicated she had taken up acting and was a graduate of three acting schools. So what happened to her? Three, maybe four movies and then, poof! she was gone. This fact and the images lead me to pronounce Brainscan's First Law of Movie Longevity: If you show the world your perineum the odds of being taken seriously as an actress are so slim as to be two-dimensional. When the gyno-cam and procto-cam come off the shelf, you career in real movies takes their place... on the shelf, that is. Corinne must have read the handwriting on the wall since she agreed to this second go 'round as Pet. Personally, I wish she had gone the same route as Michelle and Monique.