Women in Love (1969) is a daring for its time portrayal of the D. H. Lawrence novel by the same name. The novel was, in good Lawrence fashion, very shocking for its time, and this film achieved the same shock value in 1969 with unprecedented nudity and on screen sex, including a 15 minute male nude wrestling scene between the two hottest actors in Great Britain. Plot summary is simple. Two middle class sisters, one a teacher and the other a sculptor, land the two most eligible upper class men in their town. One of the relationships stick, the other doesn't.

The film is filled beginning to end with pretentious dialogue and very little action. It is beautifully filmed. Glenda Jackson and Jennie Linden showed breasts more than once. Sharon Gurnay showed buns, and breasts from the side. Scoppy was enthusiastic in his review, both because it was a landmark for nudity in mainstream film, and because he had fond recollections of being allowed to see it in theaters, because it was an art film based on a great work of literature. I didn't see in in 1969 (I think I was on a freighter in the Panema Canal when it was released) and had no such nostalgic link to the film. I found it a very log, slow watch, and didn't really care about a single one of the characters. This is a C. It is well made, and a landmark for film nudity, but, unless it is your sort of film, it is weak in entertainment value. C

Hollywood North (2003):

I think it was Mr Cranky who pointed out that filmmakers seem to be obsessed with making films about the filmmaking process, even though nobody really cares about the fucking filmmaking process except other filmmakers.

Of course, given the number of people in the world who now consider themselves filmmakers, that still leaves a sizeable audience.

This particular one is about a successful well-educated lawyer who quits his practice, circa 1980, to produce a Canadian film about one of his favorite novels. He is able to obtain substantial financing from some private investors, provided that he can deliver some big-time Hollywood names to lend box-office appeal. He manages to persuade an aging American idol to make the film, but has to make a number of concessions to his big star in order to recruit him. The most important compromise involves throwing out the entire sensitive story, which resembled a Cuban version of To Sir With Love, and replacing it with a ludicrous action plot about an American ambassador single-handedly defending the embassy against revolutionaries in Bogota. Of course, swapping scripts will get the film made, but at the cost of selling out the beloved book, the interpretation of which was the reason our hero got into film production in the first place.

As always happens in this sort of film, everything goes wrong.

• The American leading man is nuts, his paranoia further fueled by cocaine. Sadly, this role is played very broadly and very poorly - by the iconic British actor Alan Bates, who was to die shortly after its release. His performance is completely lacking in any subtlety, and he was unable to do the American accent. You should avoid this movie if for no other reason than to honor Bates's memory. Rent Zorba the Greek and watch that instead, and brush a tear from your cheek when Bates deliver one of the great closing lines in film history - "Zorba, teach me to dance".

• The number two male star wants to do his own stunts, and breaks his leg.

• The leading lady insists on seducing her co-stars at any expense.

• The film is being made in Canada, and the snow storms prevent filming outdoor scenes that are supposed to be in Bogota.

• And so on.

The comedy is completely predictable, and the farcical plot is curiously and inappropriately mixed with a romantic sub-plot about the producer's inchoate affair with a woman who is filming "The Making Of ..." his movie. The producer and his director girlfriend are played as realistic true-to-life characters who have deep personal discussions, while the supporting roles are farcical caricatures all yukked up for lowbrow laughs. Strange combination, and not really very effective. It's as if Ralph Fiennes and Julianne Moore played out The End of the Affair in the middle of an episode of Gilligan's Island.

• Jennifer Tilly is 45 years old now, but is still hauling out her funbags for our amusement. (1, 2)
   

Alien (1979):

I have a friend who used to be a pretty big-time Hollywood producer, and he told me that director Ridley Scott is a brilliant director, maybe the greatest of all time, and absolutely capable of mastering any kind of material in a very short time. Despite his admiration for Mr Scott, my friend also said that he'd never work with the guy again under any circumstances.

It's not so much that Scott is difficult, but that he is brutally honest about everybody and everything - a characteristic which makes him great at his job, but a tough guy to spend months with on a film set.

Of course, we can leave the negative consequences of Scott's notorious frankness to producers and actors and douchebag journalists who have to deal with him. For us fans, Ridley's honesty, when coupled with his intelligence and outspoken opinionated nature,  is actually a major plus. It's pretty damned nice to have a guy who tells the truth about stuff that happened in the process of making the film, and airs his real opinions instead of the usual  circumspect weaselling and kow-towing.

In this case, he completely blew the lid off Twentieth Century Fox's plans to market this DVD. Fox wanted a "director's cut", so they could sell it as a new product. They asked Ridley to go back and add the deleted footage, and making it an uncut longer version. He did that. He restored several scenes, cut back in some scenes deleted at the last minute, and got a new version. Only one problem. It completely sucked. The movie was deliberately paced to begin with, and Scott felt that the balance between build-up and delivery was correct in the original theatrical cut. When he added in more "tension building" scenes, he ended up with too much building and too little payoff. Eventually, he compromised. He added in some of the scenes, but left others out, to be exiled to the "deleted footage" ghetto. (He was right. The deleted footage is unbearably dull to watch.) He also agreed to allow Fox to call the compromised version a "director's cut", but under two conditions: (1) he got to tell his story about how the real director's cut was the theatrical version (2) the studio included the original theatrical version in the DVD set, because it was still the best version, in Ridley's opinion.

His notes are called "a director's cut redefined", and an excerpt follows:

Upon viewing the proposed expanded version of the film, I felt that the cut was simply too long and the pacing completely thrown off. I cut those extra scenes for a reason back in 1979. However, in the interest of giving the fans a new experience with ALIEN, I figured there had to be an appropriate middle ground. I chose to go in and recut the proposed long version into a more streamlined and polished alternate version of the film. For marketing purposes, this version is being called "The Director's Cut". (Stress added)

To film purists everywhere, rest easy. The original 1979 version isn't going anywhere. It remains my version of choice, and is presented fully restored and remastered under my personal supervision alongside the new Director's Cut in this DVD set.

In other words, the DVD marketing is not really a lie. The director's cut is on the disks - but it's the old version, not the new!!

....

Alien is often given as the answer to a film buff discussion question: "Are there any films where the sequel is actually better than the original?" Many people prefer James Cameron's Aliens to Ridley Scott's Alien. (Including Tuna, if I remember right.) I don't think either one is a better film than the other, but they are very different films. Although they are both S/F classics, Alien is basically a deliberate, slowly-building horror movie set in space, heavy on atmosphere and set design. Aliens is a kick-ass Hollywood action movie, with firepower and comic relief, basically a Bruce Willis movie without Bruce Willis. Which one you prefer depends on which genre you prefer.

Although Alien does not actually have any nudity, I find the final confrontation, between Sigourney and the alien, to be both arousing and terrifying. In its own way, it is one of the sexiest scenes ever filmed.

• Sigourney Weaver (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

MAILBOX:

Scoop:

Re: The Sixteenth Annual Awards for the Year’s Worst Reporting

Noticeably absent---Mr. Novak's exposure of a CIA operative in his column --- oh but wait -- he was a judge  for this.

Well, we don't talk about politics too seriously on this site, but I think I've pointed out my modest proposal to the CIA outing problem. Novak won't talk because of his rights as an American and as a journalist. It seems to me that because he outed the woman, whose secret identity was undoubtedly crucial to the war on terror, Novak should therefore be declared an enemy combatant. Ship that guy to Gitmo without his so-called "rights", and I believe that sucker will be singing like Pavarotti as soon as they attach the electrodes to his old withered 'nads.
 

OTHER CRAP:

You might want to look at this one first (hint-hint):

• Fourth Annual Weblog Awards Nominate your favorite weblogs for the Bloggie awards to be presented at SXSW Interactive. You could nominate, for example, Other Crap (OtherCrap.com), in five or ten categories, and/or you could nominate sites that actually deserve to win.

We now return to our broadcast:

• Actor Morgan Freeman's production company says that next year, it will release a movie on the Net at the same time the film debuts in theaters
• Here, at his secret undisclosed location, is Dick Cheney kicking back, relaxing, and reading a secret undisclosed novel.
• Tony Fuckin' Soprano Gets Engaged. His fiancee says, "I read in the Enquirer that he was a serial philanderer, who had kinky sex with multiple mistresses, and I knew he was my dreamboat."
• The erotic photography of Mr Spock. "Beamed me right up" - Bill Shatner.
• Negative Political Ads produce results. Sometimes not the correct results, but results nonetheless.
• Cultural quiz. Name the author of this quote: 'Our greatest risk is not terrorism and it's not Iraq or the 'Axis of Evil.' Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. As you may have guessed from her misuse of the word "consciousness", and my use of the feminine pronoun, it's a bimbo celebrity chick. But which one?
• Coming Soon has eight new clips from Along Came Polly , a comedy with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston.
• Here are the trailers for A Cinderella Story, a twisted update of the classic fairy tale, starring Hillary Duff.
• Here is the full screen Quicktime trailer for Zack Snyder's remake of George Romero's Dawn of the Dead That full screen trailer looks mighty cool - and tres sexy!
• Here is the trailer for Welcome to Mooseport, a comedy about a local guy trying to compete for public office and a woman's affection against the former President of the United States. It shouldn't be that hard if the ex-prez is Jimmy Carter.
• Read the owner's description of this Dodge Caravan on e-bay. Great stuff.
• Is Vin Diesel going to take the Eddie Murphy kiddie flick route?
• Watts wins LA critics Best Actress prize , beating out favored Charlize Theron. (Note: Watts did a fine job, but there is nothing exceptional or distinguishing about her performance in any way. It was a completely competent but wholly unremarkable performance.)
• The Shaolin monks' world touring show The Wheel of Life is an incredible spectacle. (w/wideo)
• Academy-Award nominated animated short-film complete online
• Michael Jackson is saying 'Nevermore' to Neverland.
• "The Famous Face on Mars has had a face-lift, a startling new photo taken by a NASA space probe reveals!" That would make it the second-oldest lifted face in the known universe. (Insert Cher joke here).
• Ya gotta love Bill (no spin) O'Reilly "We've outsold that guy [Franken] all over the place," O'Reilly claimed Monday on NBC's TODAY show. "We're running against Hillary for most copies of non-fiction books sold this year!" Just a few minor errors in that statement (1) Neither Hillary nor O'Reilly is anywhere near that level. If you add them together and throw in Franken to boot, the combined total would still be less than South Beach Diet. (2) If you are just talking ideological books, not only did O'Reilly trail Hillary by a margin of almost 2-to-1, but he was not even anywhere near Al Franken's lame-o book for the Number 2 spot. (Franken 790,000, O'Reilly 606,000.)
• Faux-lesbian pop singer update Tatu girls say they aren't really lesbians. If anyone is surprised by this, please get in touch, because I have a lovely bridge to sell you.
• Secret Movie Moguls. The underground world of movie piracy. This L.A. Times article actually got the details right (more or less).
• The Smoking Gun: Elliott Smith death may be a homicide.
• Yahoo! News - Rosie O' Donnell Plans Gay Cruise to Bahamas The porcine comedienne and former talk-show host announced plans for what is billed as "the first gay cruise with family values." She did not mention whose family.
• MTV.com: Inside Britney's Wild Weekend How did that guy get Britney in the mood for marriage? By showing her The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Did that show her the consequences of saying "no", or what?
• There is now an online trailer for Spartan, a David Mamet film starring Val Kilmer.
• The trailer for Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen is now online.
• That "latte drinking" anti-Dean ad is now online. This is the Windows media version. You can also find a Real media version at clubforgrowth.com
• United States Patent: 6,313,371 - the flatulance deodorizer! I want farts that smell like jasmine and lilacs. Once I patented something that made farts smell like shit, but the damned thing just didn't sell.
• Tom Green entertaining U.S. troops in Iraq. And I use the word "entertaining" in a very loose sense.
• There is a trailer online for Oh, what a lovely tea party, a documentary about the making of "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"
• South Africans love fat chicks. A plus-sized calendar is a huge hit, so to speak. As that laugh-in chick would say, "Boering!!!"
• Remember when you believed that Punk'd was cancelled? Turns out you've been punk'd.
• What's Killing Firstborn Dolphin Calves? I think the dolphins would be well advised to free the Israelites.
• ClickOnDetroit.com - News - Burger King Drive-Through Spouts Obscenities. Someone is using a device to broadcast on the same frequency as the fast-food restaurant's speaker. "Would you like some fuckin' fries for your lard-ass kids?"
• Paris Hilton gets religion
• Trivia. Who was been named the "most pointless celebrity" by Madame Tussaud visitors?
• Trivia. For the first time ever, one person was involved in three of Gene Shalit's worst movies of the year. Can you identify him or her?
• Going Nuts at US Weekly. The entertainment mag accidentally printed a picture of some guy's 'nads.
• Portuguese store offers free designer clothes to naked shoppers.
• True or false? An Associated Press dispatch mistakenly sent out to newspapers included home phone numbers for hundreds of well-known sports figures.
• Trivia. Can you guess - which movie was the top-renting U.S. home video of 2003? The answer, although an entertaining film, took me by surprise. I had no idea it was that popular.
• The computer museum: Microsoft Windows 1.0, 1985. Fascinating!
• Man says he’s addicted to TV; wants to sue cable company. Cable TV made a West Bend man addicted to TV, caused his wife to be overweight and his kids to be lazy, he says. And he’s threatening to sue the cable company.
• Pete Rose interview - he admits he bet on baseball, and on his own team
• This is the Dowd Report, the full text of the late 80s investigation into Pete Rose's gambling.
• The official site of the Second Vermont Republic. They want to withdraw Vermont from the United States, establish a worldwide pancake syrup monopoly, make big bucks.
• Band Camp chick practises orgasms: "Buffy star Alyson Hannigan has been practising her orgasm technique for the new stage version of When Harry Met Sally."
• American Splendor,' the acclaimed film about an idiosyncratic comic book artist, has been voted best picture of 2003 by the Los Angeles Film Critics, while 'Lord of the Rings' wizard Peter Jackson was named best director."
• Archaeologists have admitted to having been made to look 'very silly' after mistaking a 1940s sunken patio for a 9th century Viking village." Do those look alike? Did the Vikings have Benny Goodman records?

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Talk sex (2001) could have been another Skinemax, DTV special in which the usual suspects are rounded up from the SAG B list and thrown on screen to emote and undress and sport hump. The usual suspects are there: a woman who would become a Hefmate (Katie Lohmann), a former Pet (Devinn Lane), three crossover pornabees (Diana Espen, Jezebelle Bond and Nikki Fairchild.... that's one over the quota, but I'm told Ms. Bond does other women only, so I guess she doesn't really count) and a couple of B movie bims (Jacy Andrews and Rene Rea). And there you go... the makings of the same old same-old.

Except for one thing. That would be Kelli McCarty. Ms. McCarty is a former Miss USA (1991), with elegant facial features and an attractive, economical form. We be talking shaggable. And the woman can act! I mean, who would have thunk, but she plays the part of one talk-show sex therapist who has personal and professional conflicts with a second on-air therapist AND when she's supposed to be catty or pissed off, she really acts the full range of catty or pissed off, depending on the situation.

Normally that shit doesn't work. Take Elizabeth Berkely in Showgirls... please. All of her many personal conflicts looked and felt staged. No subtlety or range in her anger. It was binary... on or off. Same thing with her other scenes. No matter the emotion, it was either all the way on or absent altogether.

That is not Ms. McCarty in Talk Sex, and as a result I got interested in the character. Doesn't hurt any that said character is intelligent and witty, with an ironic sense of humor and a recreational view of matters sexual. Sounds like the perfect woman to me. Plus she has that face and those.... eyes.

I grabbed a bunch of caps of Kelli in two sport-humping scenes and stuck em together in four collages. Ya know, she did these scenes with different approaches. In the first, she's boffing a guy she just picked up and through it all she acts cold, calculating... what's in it for her. In the second, where she and the other therapist who had been her antagonist bury the hatcher and, with it, the bone, she is warm and smiling. She is quite the gal, this Kelli person.

• Kelli McCarty (1, 2, 3, 4)

Most of the rest of the exposure consists of Penthouse letters as shot by a Playboy photographer. The maguffin here is the talk-show format. People call in with their stories and the camera shows you the action behind their words. Whereas the stories are typical of the Guccione publication, the camera angles and focus of attention are much more Hefner. Early Hefner. Translation: you get to see hooters. Lots of pairs of hooters, but not much else.

Diana Espen, Jezebelle Bond and Julie Edenhurst are the gals in these stories. BTW, IMDb says that Diana, who does adult films under the name of April (Flowers or Summers) has done over 200 such films since 1999. Ye gads, that's about one per week. If you watched them all, you would get to know Ms. Espen's mating habits very well.

• Diana Espen
• Jezebelle Bond
• Julie Edenhurst (1, 2)

Jacy Andrews shows up as the male protagonist's former main squeeze. She leaves him because he's so stodgy about sex. Seems he did not enjoy the menage a trois with Jacy and Nikki Fairchild, or maybe he just has an alergy to silicone.

• Jacy Andrews (1, 2, 3)
• Nikki Fairchild

Last up is a woman I've capped before and will probably cap again, unless you stop me. That's Renee Rea. Second best actress in the bunch with the second best body.

• Renee Rea (1, 2)

So, this is the best of the Skinemax-type movies I have seen. Honestly didn't mind watching it at something other than 8X fast-forward. And I'm rushing right out to get more Kelli McCarty movies to cap.

"American Wedding"
Third in the great American Pie comedy series easily as funny as it's predecessors maybe even the best of the three.

Just graduated from college, Jim and Michelle get married, and the whole motley crew is there to turn everything into a shambles. Funny, funny, funny.

• Now this is my idea of a great bachelor party! Nikki Schieler Ziering & Amanda Swisten

MADONNA ASSUMES NEW POSITION
Clark Wants A Peace - Madonna released an open letter endorsing Wesley Clark for president. She said the greatest risk to America isn't terrorism but the government's "complete lack of consciousness," and that Clark will help promote peace. She added that she'd never endorsed a primary candidate before, but "as an American citizen," she wants her children to grow up with the same opportunities she had, "to travel the world safely."