Saturday

Tuna
"Out of Order"

Out of Order (2003-TV) was a Showtime mini-series, and the pilot episodes have been released as a film. The project was originally intended as a feature, but only Showtime expressed an interest, and writer/director/producer husband and wife team Donna and Wayne Powers went for the money. This is a partially auto-biographical piece about a husband and wife team of Hollywood writers whose marriage is in trouble. The goal of the film seems to make us feel sorry for all the rich and pretty people in Hollywood, because their personal lives are not as pretty as they are. I have a lot of trouble finding any sympathy for people who live in huge homes in good neighborhoods, drive a Mercedes, have a bright child who does well in school, sports, and just about everything else.

Yes, the wife (Felicity Huffman), has suddenly realized she was molested as a child, has chronic insomnia, and is clinically depressed, but any sympathy I might have had with her character was squelched by the fact that she was self-medicating with gin and illegal drugs. The husband, Eric Stoltz, was somewhat likeable. The story ends up chronicaling an affair between him and Kim Dickens. She was a soccer mom, and part of their circle of friends. It was only when she was on screen that the film worked for me, and, after the slow build-up, the sex scenes really sizzled. It is not that they were especially explicit, but their mutual desire was palpable.

Kim shows everything in a swimming pool scene at night, and then breasts in a love scene. The real problem with the film is asking us to spend time with, and feel sorry for, a bunch of people we have nothing in common with, and don't much like. They used a gimmick of having Stoltz see his life as a movie, which allowed them to insert fantasy sequences and show camera crews as port of the story, including a Raging Bull parody of Huffman confronting her parents at Thanksgiving dinner. Listening to several minutes of the feature length commentary, it re-iterated why I was not impressed with this film. I did not like the writers, or really care about what they were trying to say.

IMDB readers have it at 7.3 of 10. The few reviews were split, but this was judging Out of Order against other made for cable fare. There were some good comedic moments, and there was even one memorable line, "I feel like a guest in my own life." I must say, even though I was bored and uninvolved in most of the story, the affair was engrossing, and Dickens was adorable. As a mature TV mini-series, this is a C solely on the strength of that one plot element.

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  • Kim Dickens (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Vampire Carmilla (1999):

    Vampire Carmilla is on a DVD with another film. The entire DVD is called "B-Movie Theater's Drive-in Double Feature".

    Stop and think about that. If you made really good quality low budget films like those "Click" films, would you advertise them as "B Movies"? Of course not. Your self-esteem would place them at a higher level. If you made the kind of film that most of the world would dismiss as Grade-B garbage, would you call them B-Movies on the box? Probably not. You'd know they were at that level, but you would not necessarily want to advertise it. So what kind of movie would be advertised in that manner?

    Are your answers locked in?

    I think the answer is: "movies so bad that the director would be flattered to hear them called "b-movies". In fact, that is a tremendous compliment for this film, which is really at the level of "home movie". You know your Uncle Dwight's corny vacation movies with the additional footage of the Halloween party? They are probably technically superior to this, not to mention scarier. The entire film appears to have been shot with a home camcorder, and it's either not a very good camcorder, or the footage was shot by someone who doesn't realize how much light is necessary for making indoor videos, or how to capture the sound properly when actors are different distances from the camera.

    In theory, it is a horrotica film, but:

    1.  It isn't remotely scary or interesting because it has no sense of pacing (the camera sometimes stays on a stationary tableau for many seconds, all for no reason), and the actors are at the high school level. And I'm not talking about the leads from high school plays. I'm talking about the people who wanted to be in the play, but blew the try-outs.

    2. In addition to a lack of horror, it has one other weakness which keeps it from being successful horrotica. It also lacks erotica. There is some sex and nudity, but it is in poor light, and totally passionless. To make matters worse, the DVD transfer is only about at the quality of video, if that good.

    The woman who played the title role, Maria Pachukas, killed herself shortly after this film was finished. One member of the cast, Dawn Marie Psaltis, immediately quit film altogether in order to pursue a career in professional wrestling. The star of the film, Marina Morgan, didn't act again for four year, whereupon she returned to the silver screen in the timeless cinema classic Dr. Horror's Erotic House of Idiots. The director, Denise Templeton, has never gotten another opportunity to direct, which is not surprising.

    Of course, the only reason I watched was to see the WWE's Dawn Marie before she was one of the Rasslebabes, or as they are often known, Rassholes. If you have the same curiosity, be advised that the distinguished Ms Psaltis dies in the opening credits, in a sequence almost unrelated to the rest of the film, so you do not have to watch the actual movie. That sequence will also be enough to give you the full flavor of the Shakespearian acting quality in this film. Unfortunately, it is not BILL Shakespearian, but HANK Shakespearian. He's the fiberglass fishing pole guy.

    (Weirdly enough, Hank's dad, who founded the Shakespeare company in the 1890s, was named William Shakespeare Jr. As Jack Paar used to say, I kid you not". Check out this link.)

    Kudos for fiberglass fishing poles, but a resounding F for this movie, the first F I have declared in months.


    Something's Gotta Give (2003):

    This is the romantic comedy with Nicholson and Keaton (comments here).

     

    UPDATES:

    • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated. His comments:

    "You may have to reconsider for your US audience the bootleg caps from The Dreamers with Eva Green, which you displayed a few weeks ago. That hottie has landed the female lead in Kingdom of Heaven, the new epic by Ridley Scott. She is a novice in the business but she has quite a background, since her mother is the hottest and most popular French actress from the 70s, Marlène Jobert (according to rumors, she was president Giscard's mistress and Chirac, jealous, resigned as his premier). Since her twin daughters were born, Marlène has virtually retired from acting in order to write children books, but every time she appears on TV, you can see sparkles in the eyes of every man on the TV set... "

    OK, Charlie, here's Eva: (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

     

     

    OTHER CRAP:

    You might want to look at this one first (hint-hint):

    • Fourth Annual Weblog Awards Nominate your favorite weblogs for the Bloggie awards to be presented at SXSW Interactive. You could nominate, for example, Other Crap (OtherCrap.com), in five or ten categories, and/or you could nominate sites that actually deserve to win.

    We now return to our broadcast:

     

     

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

     

     

    MOVIE REVIEWS:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Hankster
    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    First up today it's back to 1994 to take a look at Shannon Tweed as a "Babe In Bondage" in scenes from "Illicit Dreams". I never get tired of looking at this super B-movie babe.

    • Shannon Tweed (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)


    Then as an extra we have the lovely Uma Thurman putting on quite a leg show on "Conan".

    Variety
    Ione Skye
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    		The co-star of the 1989 Cameron Crowe classic, "Say Anything". Here she is topless in scenes from the segment "The Missing Ingredient" from the movie "Four Rooms" (1995).

    Jessica Alba One of the most gorgeous babes on the planet...here she is looking mighty fine during a recent appearance on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien".

    Jennifer Sky
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    		Vejiita 'caps of the star of the incredibly lame and thankfully short-lived syndicated series "Cleopatra 2525". Here she is topless in scenes from "My Little Eye" (2002).

    Jessica Karr
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    		Playing the demanding role of "ultra-busty corpse" in Señor Skin 'caps from "Bad Boys II".

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    BUSH WANTS PEOPLE ON MARS AND THE MOON
    One Of These Days...To The Moon! - The White House says that next week, President Bush will announce plans to send Americans to Mars and to establish a permanent human base on the moon. But not anytime soon: he envisions preparing for the mission more than a decade from now. Rep. Ralph Hall of the House Science Committee said with the economy turning around, people are getting interested in space exploration again. He said he felt that for the last 2-1/2 years, "people would rather make a trip to the grocery store than a trip to the moon."

  • There's a lot more to eat at the grocery store.
  • Not if the moon was having a double coupon day.
  • In L.A. during rush hour, a trip to the grocery store takes longer.
  • Bush may shoot a man to Mars sooner, if we can find Osama bin Laden.
  • Bush wants to dig a mine on Mars and exploit the planet's huge reserves of Mars Bars.


    TATU SINGER ADMITS THEY'RE NOT GAY
    I'm Shocked! SHOCKED! - Lena Katina, one of the two female singers of the Russian pop group Tatu, who made headlines by constantly kissing and groping each other onstage, admitted they're not really lesbians. She said they both have boyfriends in Moscow, that she plans to quit for a solo career because they're tired of each other and of pretending to be lesbians, and she can't wait to get rid of those trademarked schoolgirl outfits.

  • Although their boyfriends are begging them to keep those.
  • Well, there goes the entertainment on Rosie O'Donnell's cruise.
  • When they saw Madonna kissing Britney, they knew this fad was officially over.


    ROSIE O'DONNELL CRUISES SOUTH
    The Alternative Love Boat - Thursday, Rosie O'Donnell announced what she called "the first gay cruise with family values." She has founded a gay and lesbian travel company called R Family Vacations, and their first cruise leaves from New York for the Bahamas on July 11. The unusual shipboard offerings will include discussion groups on gay adoption, surrogate parents, artificial insemination and other topics of interest to gay parents. O'Donnell said, "We welcome all families -- however you define them."

  • And if your definition is "seven-to-ten butch lesbians," it's not only a family, it's a water volleyball team!
  • The highlight of the cruise is an all-you-can-eat tuna buffet.