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The Comedy Wire
Comments in yellow...
Here's a new way to warm buildings while conserving energy: a funeral home in
Manchester, England, got complaints about how cold the chapel was. So the
Tameside Town Council drew up a plan to harness the heat from the cremation
furnace to power the boiler and light the chapel. They are moving slowly
because they admit it's a "sensitive issue" to suggest that mourners be warmed
by the burning of their loved ones. But the Rev. Vernon Marshall said, "As a
final act of generosity, it's a lovely way for the dead to provide comfort for
the living at a difficult time."
* And it's not like they're going to kick up a fuss about
it.
AFP reports that 10-year-old Diego Palacios of Monterrey, Mexico, didn't want to
go back to school after Christmas break, so he used industrial strength glue to
stick his hand to the metal headboard of his bed. His mother couldn't free him,
so she called paramedics. They used a glue-dissolving spray, but it took
two hours, as he lay there watching cartoons on TV. He made it to school three
hours late. His mother said, "I don't know why this happened. He is a very good
boy."
* They obviously have a strong bond.
Police in Pretoria, South Africa, report that they caught the dumbest criminal
of the year. The man came into the police station to report that he'd been held
up by an armed gang who stole his cell phone, apparently to get paperwork for an
insurance claim. So police called the number of the phone to see who would
answer. It began ringing ... from the man's pocket. He was struck speechless
for several minutes, then claimed he'd given them the wrong number, but the
serial number on his phone matched the one he'd reported stolen. He was
arrested for perjury.
* And they confiscated his phone as evidence.
* On the plus side, he got one phone call, and that was easy to make.
Taser International introduced the Taser MPH, the first combination Taser and
MP3 music player. It can be carried in a holster that attaches to your belt,
and it holds 150 songs and shoots two darts that can deliver 50,000 volts of
stun power.
* But only if it's loaded with AC/DC.
* If the shock doesn't knock your attacker unconscious, you can play some Kenny
G at him.
To encourage people to make out wills to protect their loved ones, Britain's
Cooperative Legal Services commissioned a survey to rank history's greatest
Wills. Scottish hero William Wallace, played by Mel Gibson in "Braveheart," was
#1, followed by William Shakespeare, Willie Wonka, Prince William and Will
Smith.
* Since the 13th century, it's been all downhill.
* The greatest will was the one Anna Nicole Smith got her 90-year-old husband
to write.
On this day in 1978, a federal judge in Dayton, Ohio, ruled that high schools
could not prevent girls from playing on boys' sports teams.
* But if the boys tackled them, they could be charged
with sexual harassment.
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