Rebecca's Secret (1998) is a made for cable soft core staring Amy Rochelle as Rebecca, heiress to a company long john business that her jerk of a husband turned into a massive mail order lingerie business. He clearly loathes her, and she is not mentally stable, given to nightmares and fainting spells. The editor of their catalogue, Lauren Hays, pretends to be her friend, but is doing the husband. But then, the husband has sex with everyone, including his newest model, Avalon Anders.

Then Rochelle and Hays apparently kill him, and dispose of the body, but he refuses to stay dead. I think this is where the script ended, and they ad libbed the rest of the story, as this is where it stopped making any sense at all. A police woman seems intent on investigating something when they find the husband's car at the bottom of a cliff. Then some guy that we have seen Hays having sex with shows up with a gun to kill Rochelle, but she overpowers him with her boobs, fucks his brains out, then locks him in a supposed wine cellar which looks exactly like the receiving area of a supermarket, down to being full of banana boxes. She either dreams she is fucking him after that, or really does.

Hays is still fucking the dead husband, and had something to do with the assassin, but it was never really clear who was plotting with whom to do what to whom or exactly why. The film ends with all of the expected characters, including the dead ones, trying to drown each other in a swimming pool, and the surprise hero doing in the husband so all of the women can become best friends. Hey, don't blame me. I didn't write it.

Rochelle shows all three Bs about every 5 minutes, starting with the opening credits. Anders shows breasts and buns having sex in a thong. Hays has as much, if not more sex as Rochelle, but only shows breasts and buns. A special Tuna award to Al Carbon the DP for giving us the best photographs ever filmed of a crotch patch. The patch evidently didn't work out well, so a second Tuna award to makeup artist Eden Svendahl for inventing the peeling Merkin.

IMDb has this at 3.0, about 4 points too high in my estimation. The story makes no sense, the acting was abysmal, the sex scene shad little or no eroticism, the ending came out of nowhere and the sound was mushy. It was impossibly bad even by genre standards. E+

Hi, y'all. I'm taking a mini-vacation. I'll still be digging up some other crap every day, and will chip in with some movies as well, but not with my usual volume of verbiage and such!

Other Crap:

• A new "behind-the-scenes" featurette for the Fantastic Four movie.
• Torture Lobby blasts Gonzales. In the days following the testimony of Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales, in which he vehemently disavowed the use of torture, a spokesman for the international torture community says that leading torturers around the world regard his testimony as "a cruel betrayal."
• Nine clips from Constantine
  • Born with a gift he didn't want, the ability to recognize the half-breed angels and demons that walk the earth in human camouflage, Constantine (Keanu Reeves) was driven to take his own life to escape the tormenting clarity of his vision. But he failed. Resuscitated against his will, he found himself cast back into the land of the living. Now, marked as an attempted suicide with a temporary lease on life, he patrols the earthly border between heaven and hell, hoping in vain to earn his way to salvation by waging war on the earthbound minions of evil. But Constantine is no saint. Increasingly disillusioned by the world around him and at odds with the one beyond, he's a hard-drinking, hard-living bitter hero who scorns the very idea of heroism. Constantine will fight to save your soul but he doesn't want your admiration or your thanks – and certainly not your sympathy. All he wants is a way out. When a desperate but skeptical police detective (Rachel Weisz as Angela Dodson) enlists his help in solving the mysterious death of her beloved twin sister, their investigation takes them through the world of demons and angels that exists just beneath the landscape of contemporary Los Angeles. Caught in a catastrophic series of otherworldy events, the two become inextricably involved and seek to find their own peace at whatever cost. "Constantine" is based on characters from the DC Comics/Vertigo Hellblazer Graphic Novels.
• The Top 50 DVDs of All Time
• As goes pornography, so goes technology. The porn industry may end up deciding the winning format in the hi-definition DVD war.
• Technology predictions for 2005
• Weekly World News: Kim Bailey's North Beach diet system encourages people to eat whatever they want, especially if it has something to do with fried foods and snack cakes.
• Kathie Lee Gifford, playwright. Who says theater is a dying art? The previous down cycle was all just part of the continuum, which now resumes. Shakespeare, Moliere, Ibsen, Gifford.
• Teri Hatcher gets down to her undies for FHM magazine.
• Jennifer Garner and boyfriend Ben Affleck were seen walking into a medical complex together on the morning of New Year's Eve. Is there a mystery?
• The Straight Dope: Why did "Bijou" used to be a common name for theaters?
• CBS fires four employees following Rathergate investigation.  
• A new two minute clip from The Assassination of Richard Nixon - with director's commentary.
• Break out the hard drugs, cuz Lou Reed and Vaclav Havel are together at last.
• Monkee Micky Dolenz has a new day job - as the morning-drive radio host at WCBS-FM
• Saturn's moon Iapetus.
• Lots more of Kournikova in the yellow bikini
• Beltran, Mets agree on $119 million seven year contract.
• 100 Greatest TV Theme Songs.
• The full-length version of the Team America puppet sex scene
• American Pie 4: Band Camp. None of the regulars will return, except for a cameo by Finch. The star will be Stifler's brother.
• Pedro's bike from Napoleon Dynamite is selling on e-Bay. (Current bid over $3.000.)
• Gallagher discusses why he is one of the greatest comedians of all time - better than Leno, Letterman, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, or Jim Carrey. He just can't understand why they are big stars and he couldn't fill a decent-sized Subway restaurant even if concert admission included free subs.
• The Observer discusses the debate over Wikipedia.
• Blogs and message forums buzzed this week with the discovery that a pair of simple Google searches permits access to well over 1,000 unprotected surveillance cameras around the world - apparently without their owners' knowledge.
• Tabs and glossies start the presses for Aniston and Pitt split. "The news is so big that celebrity bible People magazine is rushing a full issue on newsstands today, four days ahead of schedule, with Pitt, 41, and Aniston, 35, on the cover. Not to be outdone, Us Weekly is publishing a day early, with the new issue hitting New York and Los Angeles newsstands on Tuesday and everywhere else on Thursday. "
• Dogs can be trained to recognize and flag cancer.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

Married to the Mob (1988)

I don't think this clip needs an introduction. But it is always nice to see Nancy Travis perform with her clothes off in "Married to the Mob" (1988), isn't it?

• Travis (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
 

"Stern der Liebe" (2001).

Italian actress Elena Sofia Ricci goes topless in a love scene in the German made for TV movie "Stern der Liebe" (2001; Star of Love).

• Ricci (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

"Doomsdayer" (2000).

Alexa Jago even has a website of her own at www.alexajago.com, where she states a lot of credits to her name, the most remarkable being to have been discovered by none other than Sam Spiegel. She also executive produced "The Hillside Strangler" (confirmed by the end credits), for which the IMDb also lists her as an actress playing the role of "Amber Wilken". Only one problem here: after I read this I went several times through this movie again and could not find an Amber Wilken character in the movie nor in the end credits. Does anyone have any idea on where exactly Alexa can be seen in this movie? Coz' I don't know this Sarah Ferguson look-alike contest winner well enough to recognize her with different hair and make-up.  Alexa is naked under her bath robe, so we might get a brief flash of her nether region here, for the rest she shows 90% of her bum and some rear side view of a breast.

To sum up this flick: too many explosions, too little skin and a story that was always silly, sometimes intentionally, but it isn't clear when.

• Isaac (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Jago (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

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"One Fine Day"
One Fine Day is a chick flick and Michelle Pfeiffer is down to her bra.

• Michelle Pfeiffer

"Watchers"
Some pokies in the horror flick Watchers by an actress who just goes by the name Lala in the credits but her full name is Lala Sloatman.

• Lala Sloatman

"Compromising Positions"
The nudity in Compromising Positions comes from some Polaroids of Deborah Rush. Glamour by Susan Sarandon and Judith Ivey.

• Deborah Rush (1, 2)
• Susan Sarandon
• Juduth Ivey (1, 2)

"Sherlock - Case of Evil"
Some very sexy caps of Cristina Teodorescu in Sherlock - Case of Evil. The film was shot in Romania and Cristina is a Romanian playmate. Do a Google search on her name and you'll find some pictures of her very naked.

• Cristina Teodorescu (1, 2)

"Bachelorman"
The nudity in Bachelorman, the story of a testosterone-filled bachelor, comes from Helen Woo and Bridget Ellen. The rest of the ladies show pokies or are down to their underwear: Missi Pyle, Kira Reed, Deena Dill, Melissa Jones, Laurie Shiers, Jackie Debatin and some unknown.

• Helen Woo (1, 2, 3)
• Bridget Ellen (1, 2)
• Missi Pyle (1, 2)
• Kira Reed
• Deena Dill
• Melissa Jones
• Laurie Shiers
• Jackie Debatin
• unknown

"Waterland"
Waterland is reminiscing about coming of age during Holland during World War II. Lena Headey is topless and there's pokies by Camilla Hebditch.

• Lena Headey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Camilla Hebditch

"Eddie and the Cruisers II - Eddie Lives!"
Hated the movie but didn't mind the music in Eddie and the Cruisers II - Eddie Lives! No nudity, just glamour by Marina Orsini.

• Marina Orsini (1, 2, 3)

ANISTON AND PITT SPLIT
The Ass Is Always Greener - Hollywood golden couple Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt stunned fans by announcing their separation. Their statement read, "We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another." Tabloids are speculating that the cause is Brad's desire to start a family while Jennifer wants to pursue her career. One claimed Brad pointed out that his recent co-star, Angelina Jolie, is six years younger than Jennifer and handles both her career and adopted son just fine. But another claimed the last straw came when Jen picked up the phone and caught Brad and Jolie having phone sex.