Kama Sutra (2000) Episode transition to Lovemaking has a man working with surrogate Shyra DeLund to overcome his recent problems with moving from dating to sex. He meets Taimie Hannum, but has problems performing. This time, Tamara Landry gives him a lesson. When he finally gets together with Hannum, he finds she has also had lessons at the Kama Sutra retreat.

All three women give a 3 B performance. This concludes the Kama Sutra II DVD, and I can see why the series seems to have only lasted one season. The stories are not very engaging, and there is a sameness to all of the sex scenes. C-.

Updates

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity Site is updated

Head in the Clouds (2004)

I suppose Charlize Theron is just about the hottest actress in Hollywood. She's extraordinarily attractive and approachable. She commands top dollar. On top of it all, she also has talent, and is fresh off a runaway Oscar victory for her incredible performance in Monster.

So what would you say if I told you that she made a big budget movie this year, in which she did two gorgeous topless scenes plus lesbian scenes and a really hot tango with Penelope Cruz. You never heard of it? I'm not surprised by that. The movie was released on a whopping 47 screens and grossed less than $400,000. I think you'd say, "Whoa, that movie must really suck. The guys who sunk a bazillion simoleons into that puppy didn't even think they could recoup the additional cost of advertising and distributing it."

And you'd be pretty close to right.

To be honest, the movie doesn't totally suck. It has positives. It looks great in its own artificial way, has some magnificent location shots, is epic in scope, and contains a reasonably competent performance from Theron. It was directed by the guy who did Sirens, so he knows a thing or two about capturing beautiful, sensuous images.

So where did it go wrong?

This is just a terrible script, and the movie seems for all the world like it was made in 1961, complete with urban street scenes shot on back lots and sound stages. It's one of those stories about Europe in the thirties, in which the idealists fight for the Republicans in Spain and the resistance in France, complete with all the usual WW2 movie clichés It's also one of those movies where the world combat is only a backdrop for the love story.

Charlize was maintaining simultaneous affairs with Cruz and her idealistic boyfriend, all while the three of them lived together. Charlize played the empty-headed socialite intent on ignoring the war and concentrating on her bohemian hedonism, while her friends were always ruining her day by reading those icky newspapers and fretting about those darned pesky world-conquering fascists. When the Germans finally conquered Paris, the idealistic boyfriend, working for the underground, was shocked to see that Charlize was so oblivious to politics that she had actually become a Nazi girl-toy.

Or had she?

I had the feeling that I had seen the entire film before, several times, many decades ago, but what's worse than its familiarity is its pace. It moves about as quickly as tectonic shifting. I thought it had been playing for at least four hours, perhaps several days, when I checked the time on my DVD player and it was only 1:44 into the movie. I still can't understand why I had three days growth of beard after watching it. Must be a time paradox.  I was thankful that it ended at 2:01, but that last 17 minutes was the most excruciating of all, filled with regretful voice-overs and syrupy music and tragic misunderstandings.

I did learn some interesting things from this film.

1. I learned that no matter where and when you walk in Paris, you will see several ballet dancers dressed in their leotards, doing their stretching exercises in public. They are on every street, at all times of the day and night. They have like a 24/7 ballet franchise thing goin' on there Just think of it as the French equivalent of ATM machines.

2. I learned that when you look around in Paris, the Eiffel Tower is visible in all four directions. If you sit at a cafe, the Tower will be over your shoulder and over the shoulder of the person you are facing.

3. I learned that staging romantic scenes with a real-life couple is no guarantee that both parties will seem comfortable, nor that the couple will exhibit any chemistry on screen. The couple in question is Theron and the late Stuart Townsend. Oh, wait, I think he might still be alive. It's hard to tell. Somebody check his pulse.

• Charlize Theron (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

• Penelope Cruz (no nudity) (1, 2)

• Linda Tomassone (1, 2) ( I don't know if there is nudity or not. And I don't care.)

Other Crap:

• Grand Moff Powell, FCC chief, joins his dad in the exodus from the Evil Empire.
• A scientific formula proves that January 24th will be the worst day of the year.
• JoBlo.com makes fun of some movie posters (Rebound, and Miss Congeniality 2)
• Dude, this is too fucked-up for me. All-mom bands rock more than the cradle.
• The latest Star Wars round-up.
• 2005 Inauguration Address: President Bush's Inaugural Speech Promising Greater Freedom for Freeified Freefolk to Freely Enjoy Freetastic Freegasms of Freedomosity (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
• A Sacred Place for you to find the Spells for your needful things
• WTF??? Captain Ozone's Offical Home Page
• This is a real story, not Weekly World News ... Korean fish has human face.
• Joe Lieberman talks about his secret to getting along with the Republican party.
• Norwegians surprised to see Bush salute Satan! Silly Vikings! If they didn't think Bush was in league with Satan, why did they think he named him Vice-President?
• Hey. Hey. Hey!!!: Police are investigating "An allegation made against Bill Cosby by a female acquaintance who claims she was drugged and groped by the entertainer"
• The Daily Show asks us to have pride in a government that allows for such a peaceful non-transfer of power.
• The Daily Show's Steven Colbert analyzes the inauguration festivities.
• Jon Stewart reviews the inaugural address.
• Two clips from The Upside of Anger, an old geezer romantic comedy with Kevin Costner and Joan Allen
• A video of a young Denise Richards strip-dancing in her lingerie!
  • Scoop's note: I didn't know if this was real - I brought the poster's comment up here to the main page, so you don't miss it. "This is a clip from the movie TAMMY AND THE T-REX with the original audio replaced by the Tom Petty song. Here is a link for a review of the movie with the original video clip."
• The trailer for Tim Burton's Corpse Bride
  • "In a 19th-century European village, Victor (Johnny Depp) travels to the underworld for a quickie wedding to a mysterious corpse bride (Helena Bonham Carter) while his living wife (Emily Watson) pines for his return. A stop-motion animated film like the Burton-produced 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'."
  • Awesome cast for a "voice" project. It also features the majestic voice of Christopher Lee and back-up work from Joanna Lumley, Albert Finney, and Richard Grant.
• Brigitte Bardot slams planned polar bear hunting permits in Greenland. There is a picture, and it's interesting to see what Bardot looks like today.
• Summer camp for gun nuts
• BullshitJob.com - Home of the Bullshit Job Title Generator
• 31 year old 'Moesha' actor killed in auto accident.  
• NHL mini-talks break off with no deal, The NHL is in danger of being the first professional North American sport to lose an entire season to a labor dispute.
• Several pages of screen caps from the PlayStation game, Playboy: The Mansion. (A Sims clone based upon Hef's life)
• Two Roger Clemens stories: Clemens files for arbitration, asking $22.5 million. (The 'Stros offered $13.5 in the arbitration action.)
• Astros close to a deal on one more year of Rocketry. The 'Stros have offered to make Clemens the highest-paid pitcher in the game if he agrees to a one year deal.
• URL says it all: 1001DirtyJokes.com
• "Occult symbols are fast replacing Christian symbols in our culture. Therefore, we encourage you to use this list to warn others, especially Christian children who intentionally wear and display them because they are popular."
• France will allow U.S. film director Ron Howard to shoot scenes in the famed Louvre museum for a film adaptation of the worldwide bestseller 'The Da Vinci Code,'
• The president of Harvard University sparked an uproar at an academic conference when he said that innate differences between men and women might be one reason fewer women succeed in science and math careers. Actually, I'm not sure that the point is accurate to begin with. The concept of "success" is based on the relationship between effort and accomplishment. Do fewer women succeed, or is it simply that fewer women try?
• Fox News gets a little surprise in an interview that was supposed to be a puff piece. "It's a universal rule - the worse a war is going, the more lavish the inauguration to cover it up". You can debate whether the USA is currently at war, but even if you accept that, I don't think her point is true. In the past half century, there have been two wars that were going poorly for the USA, and the President responsible simply didn't get another inauguration, plain or fancy. Truman had already served seven years, and LBJ basically resigned in disgrace by voluntarily forgoing another term. The interviewee's point is based entirely on FDR's inauguration in 1944. FDR chose to have a modest inauguration so as not to seem frivolous in what was a very frightening time for a devastated world. I agree with what FDR did, but I'm not sure it has any application to GWB. If the American people felt the war was going THAT badly, they would have sent him back to Texas with his tail between his legs, as they did to LBJ. Right or wrong, they did not.
• Bruce Willis signs for Solace, scripted by Ted Griffin, writer of Ocean's 11. The much-delayed film is about a psychic hired to find a serial killer.
• Jennifer Lopez says: ... or you can call her J-Lo, or you can call her Lo-J, or you can call her Ray-J. But ya doesn't hasta call her Mrs Johnson.
• A look at the best biopics of 2004.
• JoBlo reports from Sundance.
• The trailer for Lost Embrace: "'Lost Embrace' stars Daniel Hendler (Winner 2004 Berlin Film Festival/Best Actor) as Ariel, a recent college dropout with hopes of escaping a career behind the counter of his mother's lingerie store in a Buenos Aires shopping mall."
• The trailers for Gunner Palace: "'Gunner Palace' reveals the complex realities of the situation in Iraq not seen on the nightly news. Told first-hand by our troops, 'Gunner Palace' presents a thought provoking portrait of a dangerous and chaotic war that is personal, highly emotional, sometimes disturbing, surprisingly amusing ... and thoroughly fascinating. Filmmaker Michael Tucker, who lived with 2/3 Field Artillery, a.k.a. 'The Gunners' for two months, captures the lives and humanity of these soldiers whose barracks are the bombed-out pleasure palace of Uday Hussein (nicknamed Gunner Palace), situated in the heart of the most volatile section of Baghdad. With total access to all operations and activities, Tucker's insider footage provides a rare look at the day-to-day lives of these soldiers on the ground -- whether swimming in Uday's pool and playing golf on his putting green or executing raids on suspected terrorists, enduring roadside bombs, mortar attacks, RPGs and snipers."

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

"Just Married" (1998)

• Bartsch (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Lackmann (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

"Fraulein" (1986)

• Domröse (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

Here are the final results.

Look for our poll wrap up comments in the days ahead.

In the mean time, let's move to the 90's!

For our next poll we're looking for the best film as well as screen nudity debut (both in the same film) by an actress between 1990-1999. The voting will begin on Monday. But for now, here is our first batch of nominees.

This fist half features the purest of the first film and first nudity nominees...

• Emily Watson in "Breaking the Waves" (1996)
• Natasha Henstridge in "Species" (1995)
• Chloë Sevigny in "Kids" (1995)
• Catherine McCormack in "Loaded" (1994)
• Catherine Zeta-Jones in "1001 Nights" (1990)
• Portia DeRossi in "Sirens" (1994)
• Kate Fischer in "Sirens" (1994)
• Claire Forlani in "Gypsy Eyes" (1992)

This second half features actress who may have been TV stars or had one or two small uncredited roles before their real acting debut.

• Melissa George in "Dark City" (1998)
• Elle Macpherson in "Sirens" (1994_
• Charlize Theron in "2 Days in the Valley" (1996)
• Julia Ormond in "The Baby of Mâcon" (1993)
• Angelina Jolie in "Cyborg 2" (1993)

Email Scoopy Jr. with your nominees, comments or suggestions.

• Nichole Hiltz looks amazing in a bikini in #1. In #2 she's wearing some lingerie. (1, 2) You may recognize her from some of her small roles in bigger movies like "Spanglish", "Something's Gotta Give", "Austin Powers in Goldmember", "Shallow Hal" and of course "Dude, Where's My Car?".

• Jenny Leone aka topless model/actress Jesse Capelli. Here she is showing here breasts in two scenes. (1, 2)

• Piper Perabo the "Coyote Ugly" star looking cute as always, but not showing any skin of course. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Scoops.
The name of the girl from this season of The Amazing Race is Victoria Fuller. She is a former Heffer o' the month (January '96), and has also made several additional appearances in Bunny-related media. Here is a site that lists all of her Heff-ish appearances.

-Mr. T.

DEPUTY FIRED OVER WIFE'S NUDE PHOTOS
Quite A Siren - A sheriff's deputy from Franklin County, Arkansas, was fired after a computer disc surfaced in the sheriff's office that was found to contain photos of the deputy's wife posing nude next to his patrol car. A spokesman said, "The sheriff's department wants to apologize to each and every citizen for any embarrassment or loss of confidence."