The Last Hand (1995, 1997, 2994) was completed and copyrighted in 1995, released on German TV in 1997 as After the Game, and is now in the US on DVD. IMDB scores this 2.0. Interestingly, over half the votes are perfect 10, and 9 of the 10 are from people who gave no demographics. A man wins big in a Monday night poker game in Elco Nevada. ON the way home with the money, he is shot and killed, and the car blows up. His son comes to town to find out what happened. The police have no interest in calling it anything but a drunk driving accident.

The people in the game all figure prominently in the plot, so lets run through them quickly. The casino owner, the brother of the murdered man, a man the casino owner is deeply in debt to, and that man's wife, Susan Traylor. Pay close attention to an ugly blue briefcase, because each time it is opened, the contents change among women's underwear, coke, and lots of money. The casino owner's girlfriend, Hudson Leick, also figures prominently in the story.

Start Spoilers

Traylor is evidently sleeping with the casino owner, her husband, and the dead man. Leick, it seems, also plays around a lot, but ends up in the company of the son of the dead man. Everybody wants the coke, the money, and the dead to the casino, which is almost as elusive as the magic suitcase. One by one, everyone is killed except the son of the dead man. We see him hitchhiking out of town, and is picked up by his dead father. We then see him dead, being put into the coroners wagon. Then they see Hudson Leick hitchhiking. The sone says, "Again?" The father answers, "The game is never over."

End Spoilers

The only comments at IMDB says,

"A film noir murder mystery from the camp of Hitchcock, Welles, and Kubrick.

""After The Game" is a film that was influenced by the Coen brothers':"Blood Simple", Wim Wenders':"Wings Of Desire", and Shakespeare's: "Hamlet". It deals on the surface with greed, murder, deceit, lust, and revenge while on a subtler level it explores the spiritual world of Karma, and the afterlife. The world as we know it is only an illusion, much like a movie. I hope "After The Game" provokes thoughts that both tantalize and enlighten."

Indeed, pretty high praise for writer/director Brewster MacWilliams. I would have been even more impressed had that not been written by brewmac@aol.com. Both women show breasts. There is lots of shooting excitement, too little sex and nudity, and way too many characters to keep track of along with the elusive blue briefcase. The transfer is a rather poor 4/3 effort with no features. This would have just been another D effort, except for the ending, which deserves a half grade removed, so D-.

The Eternal (2003):

There are only three things you really need to know about this film:

1. It is culled from a Showtime series called Chromiumblue.com. The Chromium Blue is an exclusive cruise ship.

2. The official website calls it "A magic carpet ride into the world of sassy women, brave men, vampires, cowboys, naked golfers, pirates, and ghosts." (For the record, they forgot to mention air boats and heavy metal music.)

3. It was directed by pretentious, pseudo-arty softcore schlockmeister Zalman King.

From those three facts, you can picture exactly what happens, the tone used to present it, the musical score, and even most of the camera angles and movement. Hey, it's Zalman King, with no Adrian Lyne around to make it classier. Call it Blue Ship Diaries.

You still want to know more?

Well, if you like the idea of vampire pirates, this is your movie. If that doesn't excite you, you'll find that vampire pirates are pretty much like other vampires, except without the fashion sense. Personally, I like the timeless cape and tuxedo look, with no large accessories. That jumbo-ass pirate hat made the pirate vampire look kinda dorky. On the other hand, the parrot makes sense as a handy source of emergency blood if there are no other victims available.

This particular Zalman King effort differs from some of his more pedestrian work like Two Moon Junction, in that it almost completely discards the entire concept of a "storyline", and is therefore virtually incoherent. In fact, it is so repetitive that it seems to have been created by taking all the parts of the series with a particular sub-plot and just stringing them together. The narrative voice keeps explaining the same things again and again, as if the different parts of the narration were culled from different episodes, with the later episodes summarizing the previous plot for those who did not see those earlier episodes. The visuals are also repeated again and again. What's more, the ratio between narration and other forms of exposition must be something like 75/25, or even 90/10. If you watch this with your DVD player on mute, I don't think you will have the slightest idea what is happening.

I watched it with the narration turned on, and I still wasn't sure what was happening.

It's like watching the dreams of a lunatic, as brought to life in a rock video. In fact, it is so indebted to the rock video mystique that it actually shows the names of the songs and the artists in the lower corner, just like a real rock video ...

... except longer. WAY longer.

Plot summary:

The narrator tells us that the good pirate vampire is so good that he will never feed on the same woman twice, for fear he will turn her or kill her. This apparently disqualifies him from full vampire status and relegates him to the title of "eternal" rather than "vampire". I gather that being an eternal rather than a full bat is like being a light-colonel rather than a full bird. Just as a light-colonel can be called "colonel", an eternal is sometimes called "vampire".

Some evil full vampire doesn't like the good light-vampire for some reason or another, so he sends a woman after the sweet-hearted and soulful pirate light-vampire. (He strums on an acoustic guitar constantly. How soulful is that shit?) She challenges the light-vampire to some extreme and illegal auto racing. (??) Elegant but effete Europeans bet on these races, which someone photographs and broadcasts to casinos. The racing woman seems to fall in love with the light-vampire. Or is she just pretending, under the orders of the full vampire?

The narrator says something like. "Poor Maria. Always in control, then for once she gives herself away to total crazy, crazy love, and it's with  ... a vampire"

Well, technically, a light-vampire.

Then some more similar, equally incoherent stuff happens, while the camera swirls around and sensuous music plays for 90 minutes. Some of it has nothing to do with vampires, but simply pictures other irrelevant passengers and crew from the cruise ship.

• Summer Altice

• A lot of miscellaneous women (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

The Job (2003):

Daryl Hannah, there is good new and bad news.

First the good news: you're now getting some very cool leading roles.

The bad news: they are in home movies.

Oh, I'm being mean. The Job isn't a home movie, but rather a straight-to-vid. It is a competently filmed, but totally unappealing story about a female hit woman who softens up when she gets pregnant at the same time she's asked to kill another pregnant woman.

It's more or less a vacuous bloodbath. Various unlikable people hunt each other down and shoot one another.

Daryl did OK in the movie, but she's playing someone who has almost completely lost her ability for normal emotional responses, so pretty much anyone could have handled the part.

Alex Rocco, Brad Renfro and Dominique Swain round out the uninspired cast, all of them overacting enough to make up for Hannah's stylized numbness.

• Daryl Hannah (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Some .wmv clips. Today's theme - when they were young.

• If you think Diane Lane is hot now, then you're going to be drooling when you see her in Lady Beware.

• One of the most famous bottomless scenes of all time: Julianne Moore proves that the drapes match the carpet in Short Cuts

• Sissy Spacek was gorgeous at one time, and she sparkled in Prime Cut

MAILBOX:

From Wednesday's Fun House Report: Australian Idol chick has the winning showbiz formula  Actual quote: "'I want to have shorter hot pants than Kylie, have more scandal ..... etc"  Um...well, hate to inform you, Uncle Scoopy, but Courtney Act, the "girl" in question, is actually a gay transvestite. She still looks hot...except for the bulge at the front of her minidress.

Updates:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.

OTHER CRAP:

• Susan Sarandon and Robin Williams team up for THE CONSPIRATOR, based on historian James L. Swanson's 'Manhunt: The Twelve Day Chase for Lincoln's Killers'. It is also rumored that Paul Newman will join the cast.
• E-Jacko shows up at Sundance to support his film "Miss Castaway", which stars Eric Roberts, Joe Millionaire, and Shemp Howard.
• Trent Lott calls Hillary Clinton "Butt Ugly", because, you know, Lott himself is virtually a Brad Pitt clone.
• The ten worst movies of 2003.
• Bill O'Reilly was a homosexual until he was 28??: He said "forever branded in my brain as Princess Leia, her first film 'Star Wars.' She doesn't like to hear that, but I was a kid and it turned me into a heterosexual immediately." O'Reilly was actually 28 when Star Wars came out and turned him into a heterosexual.
• A Tribute to Terrible Board Games!
• The 10 worst opening ceremonies in sports history.
• Bible-thumping nudists: "Depending on the version of the Bible you use, there are as many as 40 passages that refer to nudity". I'm not sure which version I have. Which one has Genesis, then Exodus, then Samuel, then Fanny? The Book of Fanny alone has 80 nude scenes.
• Hegre - nude photographer extraordinaire - has updated his free samples.
• Trivia? Who was the first American President to have his voice recorded?
• Check out the best of Jordan before her breasts explode in the jungle on "I'm a Celebrity"
• New Hubble photograph of Neptune
• NBC Tones Down 'Friends' Praise in Ads NBC called Friends The Best Comedy Ever. Kelley Grammer protested because NBC failed to remind people of Frasier's genius. Grammer pointed out that although Friends was funny and much beloved, Frasier was ... um ... more ... pompous or something. Homer Simpson and Jerry Seinfeld were not available for comment.
• The trailer for The Trilogy is now online. Lucas Belvaux made three movies about the same characters, each movie focusing on different ones with a different tone (comedy, drama, thriller). I guess he has a whole Kieslowski thing going. You have to hope that the movies are better than this trailer, which is amateurish.
• The trailer for The Clearing is now online. Kidnap/ransom thriller with Robert Redford and Helen Mirren.
• The Daily Show looks at the State of the Union address
• Howard Dean presents "the Top 10 ways I, Howard Dean, can turn it around"
• David Letterman : Top Ten other revelations in Pete Rose's book.
• Th trailer for Nocturna is now online. Intense cartoon adventure - possible cult film.
• Legendary Hollywood hoofer Ann Miller dies at 81.
• More Howard Dean remixes. President - no. Rock star -si!
• Ben Affleck, J.Lo Break Off Relationship. By the time you read this, they will probably be back together.
• If you think you hate karaoke now, wait until you see Sing Along With ABBA!
• eXtreme Segway
• STUFF MAGAZINE's winners in their search for the most beautiful women on the planet
• Free galleries of model Alison Dupri
• In Las Vegas even the cororner's office is in showbiz
• Who's leading in the Oscar race?
• Nicole Kidman will play Ulla, the hysterically sexy secretary to Max Bialystock (Nathan Lane) and Leo Bloom (Matthew Broderick) in the big screen remake of Mel Brooks' The Producers."
• Theron is back to looking good
• Bob Marley to release as many as 10 new albums. Whoa. Death really hasn't slowed him down much, has it?
• FilmJerk.com - The New Pilots are Here! The New Pilots are Here!
• Britney Spears has made a deal to produce and star in 'Door to Door,' an adaptation of a novel by Tobi Tobin being acquired by New Regency. Britney will play an existentialist philosopher debating a career change into quantum physics while wearing perky outfits.
• Paramount has posted the trailers for The Reckoning. (Medieval period murder mystery with Willem Dafoe and Mr Jennifer Connelly - looks similar to The Name of the Rose) I don't know jack about director Paul McGuigan and cinematographer Peter Sova, but if the cinematography in this trailer is any example, they absolutely know what they're doing.
• Actress Julia Roberts is being sued by four female musicians who say they were paid less than male artists during work on her latest movie about female empowerment.
• The Oscars: false, pretentious humorless crap, or just false, pretentious crap? You be the judge.
• There's now a trailer online for Thunderbirds
• The Escape from Neverland Game (Don't go there at work unless you shut off your sound)
• Conservative gay marriage poll gets unexpected results.
• Is your spouse nuts? Take this simple quiz and find out. (Weekly World News)
• Gay men don't like bush. They aren't that crazy about Bush, either.
• An American institution, Eastman Kodak, is in serious trouble. The Rochester New York-based company reported an 83 percent fall in fourth quarter net income, and 15,000 upcoming layoffs.
• Amy Yasbeck, Felicity Huffman Join New TV Projects
• Not Fooling Anybody: a chronicle of storefront conversions that just don't work.
• JoBlo.com's Sundance report: Day 5
• FOX is the #1 network for the second straight weekend. ABC is a distant fourth, falling far behind the other three.
• A television producer from the U.K. has been named the only living Samurai warrior outside of Japan.. The only downside? "If anything were to happen in Japan I'd have to drop everything and go and protect the emperor."
• Medics have warned that Jordan's breasts could explode if leeches get to suck them in the jungle. She is planning to whip them out on "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here.". If they do explode, I want to see the footage.
• The Archbishop of Rio de Janeiro says samba dancers should be arrested if they go ahead with plans to re-enact the Kama Sutra during the 2004 carnival. Unless, of course, they do it with altar boys,
• The free video section from Playboy's Big Breast Babes!
• The free video section from Playboy's Beach Babes!
• The free video section from Playboy Plus!
• The free portion of ChrissyMoran.com

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Miscellaneous

• Kristin Davis in Sex and the City (.avi version, .wmv version)

• God this is hot! Jennifer Connelly in the deleted scenes from Walking the Dead. If they would add this scene back in and run this film in theaters, I would pay full price to see it, despite the fact that the movie itself kinda sucks. (.avi version, .wmv version)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• Ally Sheedy, the star of such 80's classics as "St. Elmo's Fire" (1985), "The Breakfast Club" (1985), and "WarGames" (1983). Here she is topless in lesbian love scenes from "High Art" 1998.

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Four commonly recognized elements are lighter than air. Two are hydrogen and helium. The other two are Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston.

Put either Wahlbergum or Anistonium into a celluloid product and it's not the same as having nothing at all there. Professionals can work around empty space and fill it with their own personalities. But these two elements exist, occupy the space and in the end contribute only their lightness.

Three Kings, Boogie Nights and Perfect Storm are prime examples for Wahlberg, and Office Space nicely illustrates the lightness of Aniston. Say what you might about Office Space, it is peopled with carefully crafted, eccentric personalities that stick with you. Even the secretary in the first scene who answers the phone time and again with the same phrases and squeaky intonation is a work of art. Aniston's character, however, is a cypher, a nought, a zilch. Watching her performance was like aiming a modern guided weapon: see it and forget it.

So someone wondered what would happen if you mixed Wahlberg and Aniston. And the answer is Rock Star (2001). Lighter than air, the whole thing, but oddly enough it is elevated not one inch above ground level. Things go on you just don't care about, conflict ensues between our two principals (conflict without reaction) and all comes out sorta kinda okay in the end.

There are girls everywhere in the movie, as you would expect in a story about rock musicians, but the exposure is minimal. Well, there is this one scene of a hotel room the morning after a party, with about a dozen half-naked babes lying around. A decidedly panoramic view takes away any chance to see much, however. Didn't even bother to cap it.

Capped scenes include the following:

Jennifer Aniston with pokies (one scene) and cleavage (another scene), put together in one handy collage. The second collage is really a montage of a slow pan with Jennifer wearing the same pokitudinal outfit as in #1... without the pokies. She sure looks good, however.

• Jennifer Aniston (1, 2)

Dagmara Domincyzk... a real beauty... in a cleavage-revealing outfit. Her character, by the way, stands up to pee... which means she plays a guy, I suppose. I mean, I'm only guessing here, but micturition whilst standing upright seems a cardinal sign of guyness.

• Dagmara Domincyzk

Plus...

• Jennifer Uilani Warren.... cleavage.
• An unknown, uncredited and faceless groupie... boobs pressed against the window of a limousine.
• Natalie Raynes plays one of two topless sunbathing beauties.

And then there are three Hefmates... the three reasons I grabbed this movie in the first place.

• Jennifer Rovero plays the other topless sunbathing beauty.
• While Heidi Mark and Carrie Stevens play wives of band members who travel together from one venue to the next. Cleavage only from each.

This last bit of casting, I have to say, is a really odd choice. Hollywood is overrun with terrific looking young women who can act, but the producers went out and got Hefmates (and Rachel Hunter) to play these small roles and then didn't get their kits off. Isn't that why you hired them in the first place? Make it gratiutous, make it blatant, but get em nekkid. Words to live by.

MEN WIRED TO LOOK AT BREASTS Bottom Line: Men Are Apes - Britain's Sun tabloid, famous for its topless Page Three Girls, reports that men can't help staring at a woman's chest. Desmond Morris, author of the pioneering human behavior book "The Naked Ape," believes it's genetic. He says that female monkeys attract males by holding their rear ends up in the air, and that evolution caused full female breasts to develop when human beings began having sex face-to-face. Noting that breast size has nothing to do with milk production, he says big, round breasts and cleavage developed solely to attract males by directly imitating the shape of the female bottom, only in front.