Saturday

Tuna
"Lorna"

Lorna (1964) is an early Russ Meyer film starring Lorna Maitland in the title role. It is in B & W, and is sort of a morality play. Lorna's husband of one year, and two ne'er do wells work at a salt mine. Lorna is not sexually satisfied by her husband, and is impatient for him to finish studying to be a CPA. As the film opens, the two ne'er do wells follow an inebriated woman home, and one of them tries to rape her. When she bites him on the arm, he slaps the crap out of her. He actually has a thing for Lorna, and continually teases Lorna's husband about her cheating on him while he is working.

A convict escapes from a nearby jail, finds Lorna, rapes her, and makes her like it. When hubby gets home early from work, there is a biblically fitting conclusion. From time to time in the film, a preacher character preaches to the audience. Lorna shows breasts and buns after two sex scenes, and in a beautiful bathing in the stream scene. Interestingly enough, there is no real exposure during the three sex scenes. Maitland, like all Meyer's babes is quite generously endowed.

IMDB readers have it at 5.8 of 10. The few reader comments are positive, but wonder why Meyer, in his early days, felt the need to mix violence and nudity. I do not moralize, but I was bothered by the concept that a woman would end up enjoying a rape. This is not a good message to send to impressionable viewers. The nudity is very good for a mid 60s film. I guess the genre would be roughie, and this is a well photographed one. C.

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  • Lorna Maitland (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Movies:

    If you have a pulse, you are probably aware that Gangs of New York is the new film from Martin Scorsese, one which he has dreamed about for 32 years, and one which he announced in 1977 with a two page trade ad. He was finally ready to screen it in December of 2001, but Miramax didn't like it, sent him to the woodshed, then told him to fix it. Now he's back another year later. As I've pointed out in the past, you can't rely on critical opinions when a big name director is involved. Most critics figure that Kubrick, Soderbergh, Spielberg, and Scorsese automatically rate a must-see no matter what. The ultimate disconnection occured with Soderbergh's Solaris, which audience focus groups gave straight F's and declared to be the worst film in the history of focus groups (several decades). Critics were generally deferential and gave three stars. What choice do they have? They don't want the studios to cut them off from advance screenings, and if they say "this film sucks canal water", then their chances of getting another Soderbergh interview are approximately nil.

    Despite the fact that GONY was made by Matrin Scorsese, whom many have anointed as the greatest living director,  it is only rated 7.5 at IMDb, and only got about 75% good reviews. To translate that into objective numbers. If this exact same film had been released with my name in the director's credit, it would have gotten about 40% good reviews, and would be about 6.0 at IMDb. People would say "plenty of great points, and a fascinating performance from Daniel Day-Lewis, but too damned long to be a popcorn flick, and it can't be an important historical film because it simply isn't historical."

    What you may not know about the film is that there is a ton of nudity. For about 15 minutes in the middle of the film, there is party after party with hookers and booze and did I mention hookers? In fact, although nobody mentioned Cameron Diaz's brief flash, she lost a breast briefly from her bodice when she was rasslin' with li'l Lenin (aka DiCaprio)

    • Thumbnails (1, 2)
    • Cameron Diaz. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Well, Scorsese may have fouled out on history by presenting a 30 year old 19th century hooker with perfect teeth and skin, but given that it is Cameron Diaz and that she shows us a breast (albeit briefly -collages 2 and 3) , I was just as happy she had her regular old Cameron smile.
    • Hookers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 16, 17, 18, 19)

     

    Other crap:

     

     

     

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Brainscan
    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    A real mixture today. PETScan did some Penthouse babes and I worked on a few leftovers from the TurkeyDay and Xmas Hefmate flood (yep, the leftovers that keep feedin' ya into February) AND the find of the century (all two years of it)

    First up are the Guccimag pics. Teri Weigel, former Heffer and long-running pornstar from early in her career (May '92). This was Teri at her finest, after the first round of cosmetic surgery and before she went all grotesque on us.

    • Teri Weigel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


    Then there are a couple of former Pets. Stephanie Wood from the Sept 2001 issue. This is her centerfold thingee, just because PET loves her so much. And Susan Napoli, Pet turned B movie actress in the early 90's.


    My turn next. We will lead with the best: Stephanie Beacham in a triple B performance. This is a movie entitled Superbitch, but also has some other title with Mafia in it. Wretched cinema, nice exposure.

    • Stephanie Beacham (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


    Okay, then, in alphabetical order we have

    • Aimee Eccles, cute little actress showing off her cute little boobs and cute little bum in Group Marriage. (1, 2)

    • Amber Newman, veteran B movie babe in Stripper Wives. Boobs and bum in a thong bikini. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Charlotte Lasen's slim bod and shapely hooties in Almost Hollywood.

    • A really attractive and nicely built Dana Robbins in Stripper Wives.

    • Gabriella Hall in a triple B performance in Jane Street. First collage has her fully frontal, the rest are close ups of boobs, bum and bush in that order. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Gail Jensen and Joyce Ann Jorden in Don't Answer the Phone. This movie was pure excrement and I much the worse for having seen parts of it (only those parts with nekkid babes). It is a violence-to-women stinkeroo that should never have been made.

    • Last up is Shayna Ryan and her robohooties in Stripper Wives. I'm figuring that Shayna was undecided when she went to her plastic surgeon. So when he asked her what she wanted her new pair to look like, she glanced around his waiting room, saw the overstuffed pillows on his couch and pointed to them. (1, 2)

    Helvete
    Arielle Dombasle
    (1, 2)

    		The American born star of French cinema topless in scenes from "Pauline ŕ la plage" (1983).

    Elisa Servier
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    		An excellent triple B performance is scenes from "Pour 100 briques t'as plus rien" (1982).

    Isabelle Mergault
    (1, 2)

    		Also from "Pour 100 briques t'as plus rien". A very nice topless scene.

    Farrah Fawcett Great breast exposure...horrible movie. Vidcaps from the sci-fi dud, "Saturn 3" (1980).

    Variety
    Assorted babes A Dann collage featuring the women (and nudity) of "Feardotcom".

    Maria Ford The long time B-movie, and Skinemax babe topless in her pre-implant days. Vidcaps by Dann from "Slumber Party Massacre III" (1990).

    Marijam Agischewa Topless, rear and frontal nudity in a shower scene from the German TV series "Treffpunkt Flughafen". Vidcaps by DeVo.

    Mathilda May
    (1, 2)

    		One of our Fun House Favorites showing off her lovely breasts in scenes from "La Teta y la luna" aka "The Tit and the Moon".

    Manuela Arcuri
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    		Señor Skin captures the gorgeous Italian actress baring all in scenes from "Juana la Loca", aka "Mad Love" (2001).

    Cindy Crawford
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    		When it comes to bad movies, Cindy's debut film "Fair Game" should never be left out of any discussion! This 1995 dud is truly a bad film. Although for me persoanlly, it does have some entertainment value for two reasons.

    1.It's fun to watch just to see how bad it is.
    2.Cindy gets nekkid

    The nudity isn't much, but I think Cindy set a great example for all other models that want to be actresses. Models are paid to be pretty, so if they're going to try to act, they should show off the goods that made them famous in the first place!

    Mr. Nude Celeb's 'caps show off the following:
    Links 1-4...bras, pokies and see-thru wet shirts.
    Links 5-7...side breast view as she takes off her shirt
    Links 8 and 9, horrible lighting as she gets in on with a Baldwin, but at least she's topless.

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    JERRY SPRINGER FOR SENATE?
    If Gary Hart Can Come Back... - Jerry Springer is considering running for the U.S. Senate in Ohio next year. Springer was once mayor of Cincinnati, but he got caught in a sex scandal after he paid a bordello with a personal check. He said he has pluses and minuses: he's rich and famous, but he's famous for hosting a trash talk show whose episodes include "I'm Sleeping With My 13-Year-Old's Ex" and "I Married A Horse." Springer is a Democrat and he says he wants to help rebuild the fractured party.

  • He'll offer a Final Thought to bring the candidates together after they finish bashing each other with folding chairs.
  • "I Married A Horse" highlighted the Democrats' concern for both family values and animal rights.
  • If you've ever watched the Senate on C-SPAN, you know the only thing missing is Jerry Springer.
  • With his background, he should forget the Senate and just run for president.


    McDONALD'S TAKES A LOSS, STILL EXPANDING
    There Are Underperforming McDonald's?! - Thursday, McDonald's announced its first quarterly net loss in history and said they are closing 719 underperforming restaurants, mostly in the U.S. and Japan. However, they will forge ahead with expansion plans and open 850 new restaurants in 2003, plus 380 smaller "satellite" McDonald's in airports and other locations.

  • They figure as long as Americans are still expanding, McDonald's will, too!
  • Just because McDonald's is trimming the fat doesn't mean their customers have to.
  • Airports are great because they can charge $5 for every item on the 99-cent value menu.
  • All laid-off McDonald's employees will be given jobs as test subjects for new acne medications.


    ADOPT-A-PROSTITUTE PROGRAM
    Can I Adopt Two? - The city council in Padua, Italy, is launching a new initiative to take young prostitutes off the streets and help them get back into society. It's the "Adopt A Prostitute" program. Families are being asked to take a hooker into their homes and help her get back on her feet.

  • Literally...
  • Except dads keep trying to get them back off their feet.
  • The hooker will thank you, and your teenage son will thank you.
  • If you have a teenager who dresses like Christina Aguilera, you'll never even notice one more hooker around the house.
  • It's hard for a hooker to find another job...I mean, how many fashion consultants do the "American Idol" contestants need?


    BOB DYLAN NOT VERY DEMANDING
    And A Translator - Most rock stars' contracts list several pages of outrageous demands for their dressing rooms, from gourmet foods to white orchids, but not Bob Dylan's. The Melbourne Herald-Sun reports that for his current tour, Dylan requests a bar of soap, clean towels, a full-length mirror, a banquet table, two ashtrays, hot and cold running water, a toilet and "incandescent lighting."

  • Under fluorescent lighting, Bob Dylan looks REALLY frightening!
  • You'd be surprised at how many rock stars don't require a toilet.
  • Dylan is currently touring Motel Sixes.
  • He asked for more, but nobody could figure out what he was saying.


    "STAR SEARCH" LOSERS MORE LIKELY TO SUCCEED
    Britney Didn't Have Implants Yet - With "Star Search" making a comeback, the Chicago Tribune reminds contestants that on the original "Star Search," the losers were more likely to become stars than the winners. A now-defunct band called Skeleton Crew beat the group Girls Tyme, which later became Destiny's Child. Obscure singer Marty Thomas beat Britney Spears. Club comic Steve Mittleman beat Rosie O'Donnell. Other losers include Drew Carey, Christina Aguilera, Dennis Miller, Leann Rimes, Ray Romano and Justin Timberlake.

  • Now, every guy on "Star Search" might as well BE Justin Timberlake.
  • The judges told Ray Romano to stop whining or he'd always be a loser.
  • Winning "Star Search" was almost as big a kiss of death as winning the Best New Artist Grammy.
  • You know you're already in trouble if you're looking for a showbiz career boost from Arsenio Hall.
  • Dear God, I hope this doesn't mean music will be dominated for the next decade by Justin Guarini!