Eaten Alive (1977) is Tobe Hopper's follow-up to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. An evil motel owner keeps a pet gator. As the film opens, Roberta Collins is working in a cathouse run by Carolyn Jones, when Robert Englund comes looking for "something different." She is in no mood for a pain in the ass, refuses him, and gets thrown out of the cat house on the spot. She ends up at the motel, but when the owner recognizes her as one of "Hattie's girls," he kills her and feeds her to his gator. A Family of three show up, and the gator eats their little dog. The husband decides to shoot the gator, and our favorite hotel owner kills him and feeds him to the gator. He then ties the wife to the bed, and chases the little daughter under the house.

Next, the father and sister (Crystal Sinclair) of the dead hooker arrive looking for Jones. They are given the clue about the cat house, and go off to visit the sheriff. Then Englund shows up with Janus Blythe for a night of sex, but the two run afoul of the owner, and are now all targets.

This was shot on a set and the hotel seems very claustrophobic. The plot is monotonous. It is a chance to see an early appearance of Englund (long before Freddy Kruger), and we have good nudity fro Collins, Sinclair and Blythe. Collins wears a very thin nightie, and the other two are in only skimpy panties. IMDB readers have this at 4.7 of 10. The transfer is a decent job working with poor prints, It is letterboxed to the original theatrical ratio. This one is only for genre addicts and fans of the director or cast members. Low C-.

The Last Hand (1995 or something)

Again, I think you need to see both of our reviews to get the full flavor.

This film is also known as After the Game.

Tuna's comments in white:

The Last Hand (1995, 1997, 2004) was completed and copyrighted in 1995, released on German TV in 1997 as After the Game, and is now in the US on DVD. IMDB scores this 2.0. Interestingly, over half the votes are perfect 10s, and 9% of the 10s are from people who gave no demographics. The median score is actually 10, but IMDb makes a mathematical adjustment for ballot-stuffing.

A man wins big in a Monday night poker game in Elko Nevada. On the way home with the money, he is shot and killed, and the car blows up. His son comes to town to find out what happened. The police have no interest in calling it anything but a drunk driving accident.

The people in the game all figure prominently in the plot, so let's run through them quickly. The casino owner, the brother of the murdered man, another casino owner the owner #1 is deeply in debt to, and that man's wife (Susan Traylor). Pay close attention to an ugly briefcase, because each time it is opened, the contents change among women's underwear, coke, and lots of money. The casino owner's girlfriend, Hudson Leick, also figures prominently in the story.

Start Spoilers

Traylor is evidently sleeping with the casino owner, her husband, the dead man, and pretty much everyone else in town. Leick, it seems, also plays around a lot, but ends up in the company of the son of the dead man. Everybody wants the coke, the money, and the deed to the casino, which is almost as elusive as the magic suitcase. One by one, everyone is killed except the son of the dead man. We see him hitchhiking out of town

But then the son is picked up by his dead father. We then see the son dead, being put into the coroner's wagon. Then they see Hudson Leick hitchhiking as well. The son says, "Again?" The father answers, "The game is never over."

End Spoilers

The only comment at IMDB says:

"A film noir murder mystery from the camp of Hitchcock, Welles, and Kubrick. ""After The Game" is a film that was influenced by the Coen brothers':"Blood Simple", Wim Wenders':"Wings Of Desire", and Shakespeare's: "Hamlet". It deals on the surface with greed, murder, deceit, lust, and revenge while on a subtler level it explores the spiritual world of Karma, and the afterlife. The world as we know it is only an illusion, much like a movie. I hope "After The Game" provokes thoughts that both tantalize and enlighten."

Indeed, pretty high praise for writer/director Brewster MacWilliams. I would have been even more impressed had that not been written by brewmac@aol.com.  

Scoop's comments in yellow:

I love Tuna's review. Oh, Brewster, dude, you are so BUSTED!

The DVD box says:

"A film noir murder mystery from the camp of Orson Welles, and Stanley Kubrick. The Last Hand stars Robert Dubac, Lou Rawls, and Frank Gorshin."

Well, at least he left Hitchcock and Shakespeare out of that one (how did he miss Tolstoy and Kurosawa?) but Frank Gorshin and Lou Rawls were not exactly "stars". The Riddler was in the opening scene and did a wild overacting gig as the murder victim, after which he was just the dead guy that the plot revolved around, marked most vividly by his total absence until the absurd ending which Tuna mentioned. Poor Lou Rawls, once an A-list singer, seems not to have managed his money when he was making it, because he now seems to have no career at all. If you watch this movie without knowing he is in it, then someone informed you of that a week later, you'd never remember who he was. Bob Dubac was the star. He had some talent, but apparently never worked in films again, so I'm not sure why one would use his name to promote the film.

Tuna's favorite plot gimmick was the confusing suitcase, but my favorite was the ever-present knife.

Scene One: the Evil Dude lynches Our Hero from a barn door, but does not snap his neck, and leaves a knife stuck in the barn, with which Our Hero simply cuts himself down.

Scene Two: just a few hours later, Our Hero ties up the Evil Dude's legs and leaves him in the desert to rot. Having learned absolutely nothing from his own rope-and-knife experience just a short time earlier, Our Hero leaves a knife within reaching distance of Evil Dude. The SAME knife that he himself had just used to cut his own ropes.

Scene Three: now this is weird. See if you can follow me. The Other Evil Dude comes out to where the Evil Dude has been left to die in the desert, and taunts the tied-up Evil Dude before shooting him, delaying just long enough so that Evil Dude, now only pretending to be tied up, uses the magic knife to slit the throat of his tormentor. Apart from the silliness of the whole thing, there are two big loopholes in that logic (1) nobody told Other Evil Dude where Evil Dude was tied up in the desert, or even that he was out there. How the hell did he find him, or even know to look for him? (2) apparently, after Evil Dude freed himself with the magic knife, rather than walking into town, he simply lay in the desert pretending to be tied up, hoping someone would find him so he could use the ol' "pretending to be tied up trick", despite the fact that there was absolutely no reason to expect anyone to come looking for him, let alone find him. Of course, his completely illogical strategy worked, and the Other Evil Dude was kind enough to do a bunch of talking and tormenting before shooting him, or the ol' "pretending to be tied up trick" would have been fatal.

I just have to say that it really takes a dedicated mobster to wear a black suit with a black shirt and gold chains in the desert. (Movie House page has a photo of  Evil Dude himself.)

I also have to say that I liked the movie much more than Tuna did. I agree with Tuna about the ending, and I agree with Tuna about the weakness of the confusing and illogical script, but I think ol' Brewmac did show some talent as a director. Several scenes are storyboarded very imaginatively, and he created some nice noir lighting effects. The opening scene is an uninterrupted tracking shot all the way through a casino into the back room where the big-shots are playing. He didn't maintain that quality consistently, but there were some flashes of real pizzazz for such a low budget film. It's too bad Brewmac thought he was a writer. If he had directed someone else's script, he might have made a career for himself.

OK, I admit I only watched the movie to see The Evil Callisto's breasts

• Susan Traylor (1, 2)
• Hudson "Evil Callisto" Leick. I thought she was really hot in Denial, but she really didn't look good here. (1, 2, 3)

Various:

• Charlize Theron photographed by Avedon. Most important, without her clothing.
• Natalie Portman swimming in her underwear the unreleased Garden State, which wowed 'em at Sundance. (1, 2)
• Rasslin': Jackie Gayda uses her breasts to distract the ref on RAW.
  • .wmv file
  • pics (1, 2, 3)

OTHER CRAP:

• There is a new trailer up for King Arthur, with Keira Knightley and Clive Owen.
• Documents from Saddam Hussein's oil ministry reveal he used oil to bribe top French officials into opposing the imminent U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. Oil minister Louis Renaud said he was "shocked, shocked" to hear of corruption influencing French foreign policy, just before he retired on his share of the Iraqi bribes.
• Simpsons lists // Prank calls to Moe's
• The Weekend Warrior - this weekend's movies and box office predictions.
• LORD OF THE RINGS’ WINS DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION. Party Chooses Aragorn over Kerry
• Soul singer James Brown arrested for domestic violence. Mr Brown made a statement to police, but nobody could understand it.
• R. Kelly's judge orders him to stay away from Jacko. It is not known if they can hang with Roman Polanski.
• Teens charged with Criminal Sexual Conduct, after they molest girls, photograph the actions, and post the photos on the internet. Smart lads.
• Weird idea of the day. Pink Floyd wrote The Dark Side of the Moon so that it can act as a background score for The Wizard of Oz
• Casting rumors: Beyonce as Lois Lane, Johnny Depp as Lex Luthor. Oh, that Johnny Depp. He make-a me cry.
• BUGS IS OUTED IN RADIO POLL: "BUGS Bunny has been outed by a gay radio station. Gaydar has named Bugs, famed for his battle of wits with hunter Elmer Fudd, at number five in their Top 10 gay cartoon characters. But the smart-alec Warner Bros favourite was beaten to the top spot by Waylon Smithers, Monty Burns' assistant in The Simpsons." What about Jimmy Olsen? Tell me he didn't smoke the kielbasa.
• The government actually does something of the people, by the people and for the people! Starting Thursday, if you have Caller ID you'll know when a telemarketer is trying to reach you. That's when Federal Trade Commission regulations kick in requiring telemarketing firms to identify themselves. Such calls had shown up on Caller ID as 'out of area.' Now the name displayed by Caller ID must either be the company trying to make a sale or the firm making the call. The display must also include a phone number that consumers can call during regular business hours and ask that the company no longer call them.
• THE leader of a prostitution ring that ran a two-page advertisement in the yellow pages was sentenced to nine years in prison. The article doesn't say which category they were listed under. Do they have a listing for "hookers"?
• Star Magazine: Bush Girls Gone Wild!: "From barhopping to smoking and ditching their Secret Service security, Star reports on the first daughters' eyebrow-raising antics! "
• Astronomers using the Gemini telescope on Mauna Kea and the Hubble Space Telescope have obtained rare 'before' and 'after' images of a giant star blowing apart. And after they threw away those Kathy Bates pictures, they got back to that boring old astronomy.
• AMERICAN CURVES magazine
• "Name that Candybar" - from the Science Museum of Minnesota. They have an odd concept of science up there in Minnesota. Apparently this was a lot easier for Jesse Ventura to understand than all those crazy formulas and equations.
• Utah man sentenced for taking his 15-year-old aunt as his fourth wife. According to his family, he now has at least 17 children, and he is only 32 years old.
• The Romp is back online, in partnership with National Lampoon
• Wicked Weasel Bikinis - new for January 2004 Links on the left lead to other naughty stuff.
• True or false. There is a so called "lost episode" of Married with Children, never aired in the USA, in which Al and Peg go to a sleazy motel and watch a porn film - which turns out to star their neighbors, Steve and Marcy.
• Rick Salomon, Paris Hilton's former boyfriend and co-star in that grainy green video, has offered to settle a lawsuit he's brought against the Hilton family--if only Paris's papa would just agree to allow Salomon to distribute the sex tape on a 'pay-per-view basis.' The Smoking Gun is there.
• Movie Title Screens Page A great collection, but they have to figure out a better way to organize it. The pages take forever to load.
• Court Date Set for Madonna, Ritchie Case. Director and actor Vincent D'Onofrio alleges that Madonna and Ritchie stole his idea to remake Swept Away, then cut him out of the credits and compensation. So - they stole his idea to steal somebody else's idea and re-make it? Well, by God, I believe the court should award him 100% of the profit from that film. But it is a little hard to believe that somebody would WANT their name on the credits for Swept Away. If I were Guy Richie, I would change the entire credit section to read "Vincent D'Onofrio is solely responsible for this film. That is all."
• R&B Singer Faith Evans Arrested for Drug Possession in Georgia.
• Naoto Hattori is one weird artist. .. Hieronymus Bosch on acid. Click on "Gallery" to get the first of four.
• The United Nations probably will allow director Sydney Pollack to make a feature film on its premises. The movie is to star Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn.
• Hunter Thompson finds Super Bowl inspiration in the Book of Revelations, then takes the Panthers plus seven, predicting that the Pats will win, but not cover.
• Sperm whale explodes in Taiwan: A dead sperm whale being transported through a city on its way to a research station suddenly exploded yesterday, splattering cars and shops with blood and guts and sperm of a quality not seen since Ron Jeremy's last visit.
• John Stewart interviews Senator John McCain
• The Daily Show looks at the mood in New Hampshire
• Courtney Love in court again- and lookin' as good as ever.
• If you just have to see that new Pepsi ad with Beyonce, Pink, and the Mouseketeer, here's a site with links to several mirrors.
• How far can you bat a penguin? I tried 10 times and my best was 308 feet. One reader sent in a screen cap of his 323.5, another sent in 421.5. (421.5 is freakin' awesome!)
• President Bush comes up with one of his greatest Bushisms ever : "the illiteracy level of our children are appalling" Yes, it are, aren't it? And the press secretary left this - in writing - on the official site at whitehouse.gov! This second link goes to a book based on the President's most famous Bushism, "Is our children learning".
• 'Crazy Legs' Hirsch Dies at 80
• I guess this is the so-called "Donna D'Errico sex tape". I reached this brilliant conclusion from the fact that the URL is DonnaDerricoSexTape.com. It is not a sex tape at all, by the usual definition, but rather a scripted parody of the Paris Hilton tape.
• The trailers for Harry Potter and the whatever the hell it is this time.
• Will Dubya dump Dick?
• The Pope fears George Bush is the antichrist: I'm confused. So the actual Antichrist just turns out to be a puppet of Dick Cheney? I just expected the Antichrist to be so much more ... authoritative and sinister and diabolically brilliant, and not somebody who reminds me of my dim-witted uncle. You know, an Antichrist more like General Zod and less like Ted Bessell. I have to go back and read Revelations. Maybe the dim-witted uncle thing was mentioned in there.
• WARNING: Latest Explorer hole could be devastating
• Four more free movies from Playboy's Amateur Home Videos!
• Four more free movies from Playboy Plus!
• How well did the polls do? The actual results: Kerry 39-26. Re-apportioning the undecideds, Gallup had it Kerry 37-26, Zogby had it Kerry 38-25, the RCP average of all major polls called it 38-26-13-12-8, which was just about perfect (actual: 39-26-12-12-9). As you can see from these tables, Real Clear Politics is an excellent site to bookmark if you are interested in thorough factual summaries with minimal spin.
• Quote Quiz. Who said, of the Oscars, "My first reaction was to ask whether the Academy had suddenly gone mad". Hint - he was nominated as Best Director.
• True or false? The Super Bowl has been a good predictor of stock market results.
• Urban Legends Reference Pages takes on Super Bowl Legends.
• Global warming could plunge Europe into new ice age within many of our lifetimes. Huh? The logic sounds twisted on the surface, but is not if you look at a map and ask yourself, "Why is Hudson's Bay freezing cold while Northern Europe has moderate temperatures?" The answer: the Gulf Stream. Now what if the Gulf Stream were re-routed or eliminated?
• Patrick Stewart isn't a science-fiction buff, and has no idea what phrases such as 'space- time continuum' mean. He told a Sarasota Film Festival audience this week that he loved playing Picard, but 'couldn't understand half of what he was saying.'
• Kucinich To VH1: I'm Down With Hip-Hop. Howard Dean countered by calling it "the shiznit", and John Kerry said that he was "a bad-ass mofo".
• Safe sex is for losers and Republicans.
• Letterman's top ten best things about having a stripper as news anchor.
• Letterman's Top Ten Al Roker explanations for the intense cold.
• The Smoking Gun reports: "Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife reported income of $36 million on their just-filed 2000 income tax return"
• Good news for hoops fans. After his health scare, Rudy T is rebounding nicely. No drinkin', no cigarettes, no bad foods, no cancer.
• TONY Blair is today sensationally cleared of any dishonourable or underhand conduct leading to the suicide of tragic scientist David Kelly. The BBC, however, has been a naughty little network.
• FRENCH MARS PROBE SURRENDERS Robotic Arm Extends White Flag. At a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac denied that the probe had surrendered, arguing, “This mission was always intended to be eight seconds long. The probe has performed courageously and superbly.”

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words and .wmv's from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh

• Holly Hunter in Thirteen. This performance was nominated for an Oscar.  (.avi version, .wmv version)

• What can ya say? Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve slobbering on each other in The Hunger. Sure it's pretentious, but who the hell cares with these two making whoopee? Astoundingly, this film is not available on DVD. (.avi version, .wmv version)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

Theme for the day is Pets on videotape. Not Lassie or My Friend Flicka, but the Pets who went from the Guccione publication to Hollywood. All of these are VHS caps, which usually means they are so bad it's time for a duck-and-cover drill. But this new vidcapping thingee I have is kicking some serious ass these days.

In alphabetical order, by first name:

Angela Davies, who as Angela Nicholas was Miss Aug '85. Here she is in Hot Club California (1999). Two sport-humpin scenes, one in the pool and the other in the hottub (everyone who does someone else in this movie does it in or near water). All three collages show Ms Davies' nicely natural upper bod, but to my eyes the second is most impressive 'cuz it shows off her bum. Woman had to have been in her thirties when she made this film, but holy moley she and her rumpus are in el primo shape.

• Angela Davies (1, 2, 3)

Brandy Sanders, who as Jisel was Miss May '90. Three collages from Killing for Love (1995). Scanman has a bunch of terrific caps of this same scene in the Encyclopedia. I concentrated on one small part of the best sport-humpin scene in the history of B movies. In these, Jisel who was briefly Brandy Sanders and is now Brandy Ledford, rides the love pony. I know those are robo-hooters, but if every gal in Hollywood visited her cosmetic surgeon, implants would have a much better reputation.

• Brandy Sanders (1, 2, 3)

Devinn Lane, Miss Oct '99, in Talk Sex (2001). Very nice hooties in the shower with her fella. I understand that Ms. Lane did the nasty for real on screen at some point in her (ahem) career.

• Devinn Lane

Mariwin Roberts was Miss April '78 and made a fairly long list of B movies. These are caps from Sun Bunnies (1979). Recall that even with the several nude scenes Ms. Roberts has in this film, I consider it the worst movie I've ever seen. And you got consider the source, here.... I've seen some real stinkers just to cap the odd naked performance or two. There are five collages worth of Mariwin... first two have her undressing, and the last three have her doing the double-backed monster.

• Mariwin Roberts (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Last up is my favorite Pet of all time, Sheila Kennedy, Miss Dec '81 and Pet of the Year for 1982. The caps come from a campy treat entitled Ellie (1984). Sheila plays Ellie, and Ellie plays deadly games with the sons of her stepmom. It is a silly tale of vengeance, in which Ellie traps or confuses her prey by stripping. Works for me.

First collage has Sheila/Ellie taking off her top.

Second collage is an amalgam of two scenes, that together show off all three B's.

Third collage has Sheila romping around in an attic. This is a hooters-mainly scene, but the upper right of the collage shows her panty-clad crotch as she gets to tusslin' with her stepbrother. Welcome to Alabama.

• Sheila Kennedy (1, 2, 3)

• Elizabeth Berridge, best known as Mozart's wife from "Amadeus" (1984). Here she is topless in scenes from the 1981 movie "The Funhouse". You can see her on the big screen as Annie Oakley in the upcoming "Hidalgo".

• Kathleen Kinmont, the busty B-babe and ex-wife of Lorenzo Lamas is caught taking off her bra in scenes from "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers" (1988).

Of course no slasher flick can be complete without several gratuitous nude scenes with hot unknown babes.

• Unknowns from "Friday the 13th Part 2" (1981). (1, 2, 3)

• Unknown toplessness from "Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers" (1988).

• More topless unknowns, this time from "Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland" (1989). (1, 2)

MARTHA STEWART TRIAL BEGINS
Not A Fan? - In opening statements of Martha Stewart's trial in New York, prosecutor Karen Patton Seymour told the jury that Stewart had committed "serious federal crimes" by selling off 4,000 shares of stock on an insider tip and lying to investigators because she was "afraid it would be bad for her reputation."