Head in the Clouds (2004) is a romantic tragedy that covers the period in Europe from the mid 1920s to the liberation of Paris in near real-time. It chronicles a romance among rich, hedonistic Charlize Theron, serious and idealistic Stewart Townsend, and Spanish former stripper Penelope Cruz. The plot was completely formulaic and predictable. To make sure that happened, they very heavy-handedly telegraphed plot twists long in advance of their occurring. For example, we see French patriots commenting several times on Theron's collaboration with a Gestapo officer. Wonder what will happen when Paris is liberated? I found the photography top notch, start to finish, and found Theron's performance to be brilliant start to finish.

The quality of her performance was never more obvious than a scene near the middle of the film just after Townsend returns from Spain. He has been waiting to se her again in the street. She senses his presence behind her, and turns around. There is an initial glad to see him smile, quickly replaced by an I am through with that SOB who ruined my life by running off to Spain with my female lover and getting her killed frown. The entire scene was done with no dialogue. I probably could have forgiven the trite material and the glacially slow pace, if every scene would have been of that caliber. I doubt if many noticed it, however, because they were probably all asleep by that point. I will also give the writers credit for not resorting to the obvious story-book happy ending that was easily possible. I do wish they would have done more with the Cruz character, and made more of the lesbian relationship.

As you all know by now, Theron showed breasts in two scenes. IMDb has this at 5.5 of 10, and it was a colossal flop in the box office. I hope this doesn't limit Theron's options for new roles, as she was excellent in this losing effort. This is a C-. Tuna

She Hate Me (2004):

Spike Lee's disastrous misfire came very close to making the year's "worst of" lists. It was certainly the worst movie turned out by a respected director. Review here.

I wasn't very happy with the way these came out. Spike uses lots of fancy lighting and, in retrospect, I should have left everything the way it was in the film instead of trying to manipulate the colors back to natural shades. Well, whatever. Plenty of other guys will be capturing these in the upcoming week or so, and I'm sure some of them will use the film's original lighting.

• Paula Jai Parker (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Kerry Washington (1, 2, 3)

• Aura Grimolyte (1, 2, 3)

• Savannah Haske (1, 2, 3)

• Bai Ling (1, 2)

Back by Midnight (2002):

Back by Midnight is a typical Rodney Dangerfield "slobs versus snobs" vehicle. Rodney plays the warden of a minimum security prison which is being run by a private contracting company. Rodney's greedy corporate bosses conspire to ignore the prison's needs and spend virtually nothing on it, thus pocketing the difference between what they get from the state and what they actually spend on the facility, and therefore covering up the losses in their department store chain. Rodney gets so frustrated by the corporate moguls that he allows the inmates to leave the prison at night and rob the boss's stores for the supplies he needs to upgrade the prison.

Rodney seems very old and tired, and looks ill. His usual zingers have no zing. Even at that, he's still the best thing in the film, which is written and performed at a broad, puerile level that makes F Troop seem like a segment of Masterpiece Theater. Here's a fact to scare you: although Back by Midnight stars Rodney Dangerfield and Randy Quaid, those two guys are the MOST subtle performers in the film. The next most important roles are:

• a safecracker named "Ears" with super-sensitive hearing. He actually wears gigantic prosthetic Dumbo ears.

• a convict named "Jerk-off" who actually says things like "du-u-u-u-h, I dunno"

• a 200 pound woman in light dominatrix outfits.

• an obnoxious monkey who keeps climbing on chandeliers and pissing on Randy Quaid.

• Gilbert Gottfried and Ron Jeremy. 'Nuff said.

(To Kirstie Alley's credit, she played the embarrassing fat woman role with good humor and lots of cleavage, and managed to be about as sexy as a woman that size can be.)

This film is so bad it has just been sitting on the shelves for a couple of years, and was released to DVD without fanfare and with no effort to promote the final starring role of a recently deceased comedy legend. Not a good send off for Rodney. In general, I like his "regular guy" movies, but not this one.

My rating: D-

IMDb: 4.2

• Unknown in a sex scene with ... Ron Jeremy (1, 2)

• Another unknown getting her top ripped off at a party

Two People (2004):

Roger Ebert reviewed this film way back in May 7 of 1973!! Review here.

The most important thing to say, from our perspective, is that it will go into Junior's polls when he does the Best Nude Debuts of the 1970's. It was the first movie ever done by Lindsay Wagner, two years or so before she was to become The Bionic Woman on TV. Unfortunately, her nudity play never had a second act, so her nude debut was also her entire nude career. I don't know of any other instance where she whipped out the goodies in public.

• Lindsay Wagner zipped .wmv

• collages by Desperado and Mr Skin (1, 2, 3)

Other Crap:

• World Politics Dominate Top Sundance Awards
• Ann Coulter makes a fool of herself on the CBC
• Sundance Film Festival - day 7. Crispin Glover's film clears the room.
  • "Starring a cast of, largely, mentally and physically handicapped people it doesn't pull any punches. Around 15 people walked out of the press screening within half an hour. I can't think what offended them... could it have been the down syndrome copping off scene, the use of swastikas or, perhaps, the song about the 'nigger' (yes, really, and that is the film's word not mine), whichever way, the crowd was thinning fast."
• A literate look at the most unforgettable breasts in movie history
• Alan Cumming surprised journalists when he answered the simple question of, 'Are you disappointed Bryan Singer won't be directing X-Men 3?' with a resounding, 'No.' "I think he's really talented. I'm very proud of the film. I think it's a great film. I didn't enjoy working with him on the film." Oh my God - somebody in Hollywood told the truth - and his last name isn't Stone or Parker? This is revolutionary.
• Star Wars III - the complete list of trading cards
• Paparazzi shots of Charlize and her low-key boyfriend. Did I nention that her breasts and bum are uncovered? Did I mention that "low-key" can be translated as "lacking a pulse"?
• IRAQIS BITTERLY DIVIDED OVER OSCAR NOMINATIONS. The announcement of nominations for the 77th annual Academy Awards have exposed deep divisions within Iraq, with Sunnis and Shiites bitterly split over this year's Oscar nods, U.S. officials said today. “As far as most Sunnis are concerned, the Oscars have lost all credibility. They might as well be the Golden Globes.”
• Here is a great Budweiser ad that was rejected for the Super Bowl.
• 2005 Iraqi Election Ballot: President Bush Proudly Invites Eligible Arabiacs to Download and Complete the Official Ballot for Iraq's Frantically Joyous Foray Into Gunpoint Democracy. (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
• eBay: "Incredible real Walnut carved around its entire surface with floral patterns and erotic loving couples."
• News for the gullible: Get your vitamin C and E from your t-shirt.
• Many stills from Pierce Brosnan's next film, The Matador.
  • In a wacky chance encounter at a Mexican hotel bar, Julian, a sleazy hitman, strikes up a peculiar friendship with Danny, a struggling salesman. Lonely Julian is thrilled to make a friend and offers to solve all of Danny's financial problems if he'll help with a hit. When Danny balks at the crazy proposition Julian begs forgiveness for crossing the line, but it's too late and the two part company. Burnt out on drugs, sex and death, Julian heads to Venice where he fails a hit. His employer wants Julian's head. Julian tracks down Danny down in America and begs him as his only friend for help. He's been given one last chance but he can't pull off the job alone. This time Danny agrees and the obligation binding the two men from different worlds is startlingly revealed ...
• Angelina Jolie said that OTHER celebrities grandstanding for human rights causes can do more harm than good.
• Major League Baseball star Sammy Sosa has reportedly been traded from the Chicago Cubs to the Baltimore Orioles. How the mighty have fallen, if this is true. The rumor says he's been traded for Jerry Hairston and a bag of used fungo bats.
• The case of the Bush administration versus Buster the Bunny. Judge Yosemite Sam presiding. "PBS is supposed to run a program that shows a family with two moms. But the new secretary of education, Margaret Spellings, has decided that the show, "Postcards from Buster" is bad for kids and bad for America. She is threatening to pull funding from PBS."
• Court rules Darth Cheney is above the laws of man and God. Actual quote: "You're proceeding as if this were ordinary litigation and ... this is not ordinary litigation because of the vice president." My favorite quote from the ruling, however, was this one: "... federal open government laws cannot require records be made public." Or, to word it another way, federal open government laws do not actually require any open government!
• Country singer Lynn Anderson accused of shoplifting a Harry Potter DVD, and then punching a police officer. In December, Anderson was charged with drunken driving after police found her passed out in her car on the shoulder of a highway near Denton, Texas.
• Many agree that sitcoms - a staple of TV since the earliest days - need a facelift.
• Fascinating Depression-era cartoon, with a blues score, created by the legendary Max Fleischer. Shows you why the term "Depression" was appropriate.
• Near-Death Experiences of the Rich and Famous
• A few gazillion pics of Jessica Simpson on the set of The Dukes of Hazzard
• The first of some 750 prospective jurors will report for duty on Monday in the Michael Jackson child molestation case
• The infamous recorded outtakes of Orson Welles trying to get through a commercial spot for Peas.
• Leona Helmsley is back in the news. One of her employees charges that she 'acted negligently, maliciously, wantonly, intentionally, grossly, willfully, evilly, recklessly, carelessly and without regard for the rights and safety of others." Sounds like she's mellowed a bit.
• The trailers for MirrorMask
  • "MirrorMask" centers on Helena, a 15 year old girl in a family of circus entertainers, who often wishes she could run off and join real life. After a fight with her parents about her future plans, her mother falls quite ill and Helena is convinced that it is all her fault. On the eve of her mother's major surgery, she dreams that she is in a strange world with two opposing queens, bizarre creatures, and masked inhabitants. All is not well in this new world - the white queen has fallen ill and can only be restored by the MirrorMask, and it's up to Helena to find it. But as her adventures continue, she begins to wonder whether she's in a dream, or something far more sinister.
• Man, I love it when movies stink! It gives critics an outlet for their frustration. Alone in the Dark - 2% at Rotten Tomatoes, and an equally impressive 10/100 at Metacritic. To put that 10 at Metacritic into perspective, last year's worst film, Superbabies, scored a 9, and last year's Razzie favorite, Catwoman, scored a comparatively mammoth 27! In other words, it is only January, and we may already have the worst film of 2005!! If not, fasten your seat belt, Cubby, cuz' it's gonna be a long year.
• The pornolizer: enter any URL and the Pornolizer turns it into a porn site.
• Ain't It Cool News has the first test screening reports for Hitchhiker's Guide
• Whatever happened to ... Tanya Harding? You are not gonna believe what she looks like now. Her boxing weight is listed at 125, but she looks 25-50 pounds heavier.
• URL says it all: masturbation-techniques.net  
• WTF?? Welcome to Mandonna! "The all-male, all-live tribute to the material girl."
• A contestant on “American Idol” was in jail in Mobile, Alabama when his bizarre audition aired on Tuesday night. Here's the story, his mug shot, and a link to the audition video.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

"Desperate Housewives"

• Longoria (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

Stay tuned for complete results and comments.

In the meantime, Here are the results and comments for last week's poll...

Best Nude Debut, the 80's

Email Scoopy Jr. with your comments or future poll suggestions.

"Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story" (2001)
Docudrama released to video last week. Based on the 80's rock group's Hysteria tour.

• Jennifer Rae Westley: partial breast flashing boobs (she's the brunette in black on the left).
• Jessica Hassoun: partial breasts as topless groupie.
• groupies: more brassieres than a co-ed pajama party.

Cold Squad: season 5

• Keegan Connor Tracy: nice cleavage in episode "Family Ties" (her second episode).
• Crystal Buble: tight t-shirt in wimmin-in-prison episode "Clean".
• Tiara Sorensen: bra-less t-shirt pokies as lesbian in "Clean".
• Kelly Wiwchar: partial breast flashing boobs in "Clean".
• Marilyn Norry: tight t-shirt in "All in the Family".
• Tara Brandolini: topless as obligatory stripper in "All in the Family".

Da Vinci's Inquest: season 2

• Odessa Munroe: full dorsal nudity as hooker in episode "The Lottery".
• Sarah Deakins: breasts in shower in "With Bags Like These".
• Cyndi Mason: partial boobs as s&m hooker in "Reality".

Rescue Me: episode DNA
The hottest episode of the first season but still with less nudity than an NFL Halftime Show.

• Susan A. Ashton: partial boob and butt.
• Patricia Velasquez: full dorsal nudity riding the fireman pole.

Moccasin Flats: episode Home Security

• Andrea Menard: nude in bed with lesbian partner Michelle Thrush.

First Wave

• Daniella Evangelista: bikini then heavy petting session in "Normal, Illinois".
• Lisa Marie Caruk: bikini then partial boob having sex in "Normal, Illinois".
• Kendall Cross: nude in shower but showing nothing in "Requiem".

• Traci Lords, the former porn star shows serious pokies plus a little cleavage.

• Nikol Nesbitt shows off her robo-hooters in the demanding role of "Topless Bar Girl".

• Former heffers Buffy Tyler (November 2000) and Suzanne Stokes (February 2000) show off their big'uns in a hot tub scene.

• Katie Thomas, Buffy Tyler, Suzanne Stokes and Michela Catando having more fun in the hot tub.