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SITE NOTES:
I think you'll find some nice surprises in the site
updates which I did over the weekend. They are not just cosmetic. You'll now
find a very efficient way to search Tuna's archives, and a sweet
little utility for finding the .zipped movies. I played around with
them and was getting exactly the results I hoped for. In the case of
Tuna's archives, because his file names are very precise, the search
engine is able to draw some very good conclusions about what you want
to see.
With luck, I'll be finished with server upgrade issues
in about a day, at which time I can resume watching crappy movies!!
After 4-5 days of messing with code, a crappy movie sounds great!
Other Crap:
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ComingSoon has a trailer, a featurette and a clip from the
remake of When a Stranger Calls
A concise Sundance wrap-up from USA Today
Weekly World News offers the pope free advice on how to
fix the Catholic Church.
- Sadly, the old subscription was in the name of JP2,
and the new pope has not yet subscribed, so he may never
see these tips.
Conan O'Brien's latest quotables
- "The New York Stock Exchange has a new ethics rule
that prevents stockbrokers from taking clients to strip
clubs, but they can take them to Broadway shows. Which
may explain the latest Broadway hit: 'Strippers in
Hootertown.'"
- Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book
about global warming and the environment. The first
chapter talks about how you shouldn't chop down trees to
make a book no one will read.
Conan O'Brien discusses his plans to visit Finland
"BUSH'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TO BE SIMULCAST IN
ENGLISH ... President Hopes to Reach Broader Audience,
Aides Say"
Here is the trailer for Scary Movie 4
- Leslie Nielsen portrays a President like George
Bush. As aliens attack, he's listening to a children's
story about a duck, and ... well ...
"THE 100 GREATEST DOGS OF POP CULTURE HISTORY"
- My man, Triumph, finished #16, but Family Guy's
Brian finished out of the top 25.
Bryce Dallas Howard has seen only one episode of Happy
Days
Owen Wilson is Ellen Degeneres!
- ... except that one of them is WAY more masculine
The director of THANK YOU FOR SMOKING weighs in on the
missing Katie Holmes sex scene. The key points are as
follows:
- "Anyone looking for some action will be very
disappointed by the twelve seconds at the end of reel
two. There is no nudity. It's not even remotely sexual.
It's a comedic moment with some humping in the
background that is undercut by humorous voice over. If I
really made this all up, I’d only be setting people up
for disappointment."
- "Oh, and we found the missing Katie Holmes footage.
It was on the floor of a projection booth at Sundance.
It played as part of the film on Saturday and I think
everyone was underwhelmed. I tried to warn people, but I
guess folks want to believe the gossip."
Here's a high quality picture of Paris Hilton's ... um ...
shoes.
The latest in the sad saga of Natasha Lyonne
Celebrities and their houses.
- This site is a bit dated (Pitt-Aniston), but
fascinating. Check out the house of my fellow Fordham
grad Denzel Washington!
Is there still time to add some scenes to the new Pink
Panther movie?
Museum visitor trips, falls down a stairway, breaks three
Qing dynasty vases.
Very hot pictures of Xtina in a semi-transparent t-shirt
The annual Electronic Entertainment Expo will enforce a
ban on booth babes!
- "Companies may have to rely on actual games to grab
our attention."
FilmJerk.com - The Early Report for January 29, 2006: Part
One
- "This week's Early Report covers the 52 known new
movies opening in theatres or expanding their runs
between Wednesday February 1 and Friday March 3"
"Twins detained for loincloth outrage"
- The USA has its road rage, and Zimbabwe has
loincloth outrage.
BOMB-SNIFFING DOGS DISCOVER GARFIELD 2
- "FBI investigators say sequel was found just in
time"
LUCAS ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR 3 CGI-HEAVY PREQUELS TO INDIANA
JONES
- "I think I focused too much on the dialogue and
acting in the last three Star Wars prequels, said Lucas.
For the Indiana Jones prequels, I'm going to focus on
the CGI elements and special effects to really capture
the story of Indiana's transformation from an
adventurous child to a full action hero."
SPOKANE, WASHINGTON PHONE BOOK CHOSEN FOR OPRAH�S BOOK
CLUB
- "Yellow and White Pages considered safe pick"
NEW CW NETWORK TO MERGE WB, UPN PROGRAMS
- Shows to include “Everybody Hates Reba,” “SuperCuts,”
“7th Heaven Smackdown!”
The trailer for Iron Island
- The titular "Iron Island" is a huge rusting tanker
off the Iranian coast in which dozens of homeless
families have found shelter and formed a community. The
head of the ship, Captain Nemat tries to balance finding
jobs, oil, food and even husbands for the poor and
struggling families. He controls the "residence" with
absolute power which comes to violent crisis when two
young lovers attempt to defy his authority and from the
increasing pressure of business interests seeking to
seize the ship and evict the residents.
Razzies announce their 2005 nominations, and Rob
Schneider is lookin' good.
Tim Story talks Fantastic Four 2 |
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Movie Reviews:
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
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Besame Mucho La Pelicula (1994)
"Kiss Me Forever - The Film" is a Venezuelan offering based on the
stage play El Vendedore, which was written by Mariela Romero.
It is Amparo Grisales' birthday. She is rebuked when she dares to
interrupt a business meeting to visit a government minister she
once lived with. He has moved on to someone younger and prettier. She
returns home, and the minister's new fuck buddy reminds him that
Amparo knows where all his skeletons are. Meanwhile, in another part
of town, a woman has been brutally murdered, and the police are
engaged in a manhunt. Naturally, they find his motorcycle in Amparo's
neighborhood. When a handsome salesman knocks on the door and
convinces Amparo to let him in, the plot is set up.
The politician is convinced that the man in Amparo's house is the
killer, and delays the police hoping the killer will solve his
problem. Amparo and the salesman are simpatico, and not only end up in
bed, but develop real feelings for each other. This all leads up to a
fantastic ending that I don't want to give any hints at.
It explores themes typical of Latin American dramas, about
political corruption and infidelity among the rich, and basically
amounts to a credible stage play adaptation. Like many stage
adaptations, it is very talky, and star Amparo Grisales plays the part
too large, as if she were on stage, but the story is engaging and it
has a killer ending.
13 voters at IMDb have this at 7.7.
By our criteria: C.
Estas Ruinas Que Ves (1979)
"These Ruins that You See" is a Mexican comedy based on a novel of the same
name by Jorge Patiño. The story takes place is a small University city where
Fernando Luján has returned, now as a professor, to his home town. Being a
native son who made good as a professor of literature, he is instantly part of
the "in crowd, " and his homecoming is far better than he expected, because
little Gloria Rivera (Blanca Guerra) has grown into a very ripe woman.
She is engaged, and that doesn't stop Luján, but a drunken colleague tells
him that she has a heart condition, and her first orgasm will be fatal. This
is the dominant plot line, but there are others as well. We have a professor
who sees himself as a liberal, his wife who is perpetually in heat (Grace
Renat), and a great number of pompous characters who sit in a cantina and
argue over contemporary life until they can barely walk, then go out and piss
in the middle of the street.
I suppose this is a character-driven comedy. There is nothing
earthshaking about the plot, and the photography is high saturation and high
contrast, yielding very colorful images. In the final analysis, this is a
character-driven comedy, so your enjoyment will depend on how much you enjoy
the characters. I did.
Just in case Blanca Guerra has escaped your attention, she is one of the
best actresses in Mexico. She has won 3 Ariels, and has been nominated for
four more. Her first Ariel was in 1988, and her most recent in 1999. Here, she
was in her physical prime and looked every bit the college temptress.
IMDb readers say 5.6, and with very few votes.
By our criteria: C+.
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Today we've got clips from a Flemish/Dutch co-production, Wildschut (1985)
to be precise. In this weird but entertaining movie that is part comedy,
part action flick Annick Christiaens is the
damsel in distress when two gangsters choose the farm where she is living as
a hide-out. Lucky for her one of the two is a decent guy and comes to her
rescue. And she rewards him for it like only a woman can reward a man of
course. This is the movies, what else had you expected?
Annick gives up all 3 B's in the following 3 clips, ( 1,
2,
3) first while struggling with the bad
gangster, then while rewarding the "good" gangster. A penis is also briefly
visible in one of the clips, so don't say I didn't warn ya.
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Selma Blair in Strong Island Boys. I didn't
realize that she had done some nudity before Storytelling, This was way
back in 1997, and there a tiny little boob in the last frame! |
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The paparazzi catch
Amanda Holden falling out of her dress. |
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Mr. Blonde was a busy fella yesterday. He was out there in the future with
LC. Here are some caps from the DVD of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is not
yet commercially available. First, Michelle Monaghan. |
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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang continues with Shannyn Sossamon.
I went to see this film in the theaters because my youngest son was in
town and we got rained out of a golf game. That turned out to be
serendipity. Of the thousand or so films I watched last year, this is one
of the ten or so that I loved without qualification. A beautiful noir in
the 1940s tradition, updated with some wrinkles from the new millennium (a
gay detective, for example). Downey and Kilmer are terrific as the
obligatory mismatched buddies. It is written with a lot of humor, and a
real love for the great works of detective fiction and cinema. It even has
some pretty good nudity.
Here are my notes.
It is rated an astronomical 8.0 at IMDb, the same score earned by Oscar
favorite Brokeback Mountain, but nobody has seen this sumbitch. |
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While Mr Blonde was in the future, he watched NEXT week's episode of The
L-Word and sent back these captures to those of us stuck in the present.
If you want to impress your friends with your knowledge of the future, you
need two words: lesbian vampires.
Here's Leisha Hailey |
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Also from L-Word, Kathleen Moenning |
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Last, but by no means least, here is one of my personal favorites,
Maribel Verdu, in one of her sexiest scenes.
She's naked as a jaybird in
this zipped .avi, posing for the painter Goya. The name of the
film is Goya in Bordeaux. It's in Spanish, but you'll never notice! |
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Pat's comments in yellow...
Beverly Hills dermatologist Dr. Vail
Reese announced his annual Skinny Awards for the best and worst celebrity skin.
His kudos go to Joaquin Phoenix for becoming a leading man despite not covering
his "cleft lip" scar with a mustache, and Reese Witherspoon for not getting
Botox, "knowing her forehead muscles convey emotion even as they slowly produce
aging furrows." His disses include Katie Holmes for going out in public with
a cold sore, and "Lost" star Evangeline Lilly for displaying the cellulite on
her rear. His list is topped by the multiple skin problems of Brad Pitt
(severe acne scars) and Angelina Jolie (acne moles, abdominal scars, tattoos and
puffy lips, which Reese believes are not collagen-enhanced).
* So thank God you don't look like either one of THOSE mutants!
* Angelina has so many moles and pimples, her tattoos are really just a game
of connect-the-dots.
* Next year, Reese will top the worst list because of her repulsive age
furrows.
* Conveying emotion causes aging? No wonder today's actresses look so young.
Health authorities in Norway are investigating reports that staffers at a
hospital in Fredrikstad threw a Christmas party in the autopsy room. They
allegedly put a white cloth over the autopsy table, adorned it with candles, and
served beer off it* Beer and some stiff drinks
* They drank until they were dead drunk
Utah paleontologist Don DeBlieux sawed open a plaster mold of a dinosaur
fossil and a live scorpion wiggled out. It had been sealed in the plaster for
15 months without food or water and was still alive
* That's nothing: Lindsay
Lohan has gone 16 months
* It's skinny and mean and doesn't need food, so they
named it Naomi Campbell
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