Female Trouble (1974) is a John Waters put-down of the fashion/beauty industry, and the entire concept of fame, celebrity and glamor. Divine stars as Dawn Davenport, evil from High School on. She left home at Christmas because she didn't get the right shoes as a gift, got raped hitchhiking, and ended up pregnant. She made her living as a burglar, until her big break when a trendy husband and wife solon team decided she was the most glamorous of all beauties, mostly because she was a criminal. She married her hair dresser briefly, until she caught him in bed with Ann Figgs. Before she film is over, she disfigures her husbands mother, kills her own daughter, blows away several audience members during her great stage debut, and ends up in the electric chair. While waiting for execution, she is fondling fellow prisoner Elizabeth Coffey.

Figgs and Coffey both show everything, including a pretty intimate look between their legs. There is also explicit male nudity. This is very much in the Waters style. In other words, I didn't much like it, even though I approve of the target for the satire. Critics split on whether his films are art or not, but all agree that they are unique. IMDB readers have this at 7.1 of 10. I would call this average Waters fare, hence a C.

Under the Tuscan Sun (2003)

Under the Tuscan Sun is an escapist chick-flick about a woman recovering from a divorce who takes trip to Tuscany, ends up buying a fixer-upper there, and has lots of colorful adventures with colorful natives in picturesque locales.

In parallel, as her ancient villa comes back to life, so does she, and she learns to love again. One reviewer summed it up beautifully as "Waiting to Exhale for white chicks".

IMDb scores show a respectable 6.6 for men, an excellent 7.4 for women. That basically means that if you take a woman to this film on a date, she'll probably like it, and you will find it tolerable. It is, in fact, and excellent date movie, since it is a breezy feel-good kind of flick which will leave you both in a good mood. There's probably a decent chance for some hanky-panky when it is done.

It is basically insubstantial, and I suffered from a bit of estrogen suffocation during the movie, but I did conclude that if I ever go to Europe again in summertime, I will definitely include some time in Tuscany. This movie is a helluva good  travel ad!

There's no real nudity, but Diane Lane was close to nudity, and was as sexy as ever.

• Diane Lane (1, 2, 3)
• Lindsay Duncan (1, 2, 3)

Sin (2003)

I guess that Sin may have been conceived as a theatrical release. It is rare to see a STV with Gary Oldman, Ving Rhames, and Brian Cox.

Unfortunately, it isn't much good, a trite tale of a drug lord (Oldman) who plots revenge against a retired Reno cop (Rhames) who once caused Drug Guy's innocent brother to commit suicide. It is characterized by one-dimensional over-the-top performances and graphically stylized violence. In the best scene, Gary Oldman nails the Vinger's hand to an altar, then makes him watch a video of his sister being raped, while Oldman sets the church on fire. Fun stuff.

• Brianna Banks

• Jessica Drake (1, 2)

OTHER CRAP:

• Are You a Beautiful Actress Who Wants to Be Taken Seriously? Get Ugly. And/or naked.
• Mel Gibson to delete a scene from The Passion. The Pope responded with his normal one-syllable review: "it was as it was, now it is as it might have been but for the cut". His Holiness also mentioned how he thought The Big Bounce was "totally rad, dude" ("radicalifico totare, gento"), despite the poor reviews and lame Box Office. "Mel may be as it was, but my man Owen Wilson is as it is now and ever shall be"
• ASHCROFT DETAINS JANET JACKSON'S RIGHT BOOB. Half of Singer's Rack in US Custody.
• 'Eating Spongebob!"
• Step aside, Mel Gibson: "'Lord of the Undead' portrays Jesus as the leader of a horde of zombies." Yeah, but are they Jewish zombies?
• PATRIOT QB STEALS FAN'S FLAME. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has made one pass that is out-of-bounds with diehard fan Scott Rosenberg - the Super Bowl-bound stud has been scoring off the field with Rosenberg's ex-girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan.
• Free Biketoberfest 2003 Babe Gallery
• Two upcoming projects for Diane Lane
• Complete primary results.
• Harnessing road rage New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive
• CBS will time-delay the telecast of the Grammy Awards to prevent another nipplegate.
• TRIVIA: Why is "CH" the internet abbreviation for Switzerland?: "Confoederatio Helvetica ". It's in Latin, so that none of the various ethnic and language groups will be slighted.
• As expected, Lieberman abandons 2004 presidential quest
• Grammy: Janet, Justin In; Luther Out: "The Grammy RSVPs are in and it looks like the boobylicious Super Bowl tandem of Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake are still on the guest lis"
• Drew Barrymore gets her star on the Walk of Fame
• SPORTS NATION - Franchise Rankings. ESPN viewers rate every professional sports franchise in America. I think you'll be surprised which one finished as the best.
• The Daily Show looks at children's TV programming.
• The Daily Show milks Janet Jackson's breast.
• Beretta's defense: Christian Brando killed my wife
• Janet Jackson's "Nipple-gate" reverberates as most-watched TV moment
• Nostalgia: Billboards of the Past
• Dark Horizons reviews the trades for Tuesday, February 3rd
• Here are eight clips from Miracle, the film about the Lake Placid hockey victory.
• Nostalgia: Urkel-Os Cereal.
• Captain Picard says space sucks.
• Billy Jack to run against George W.: I didn't even recognize the picture of Tom Laughlin.
• The Sun has a Page Three girl named Breast
• Janet Jackson has given us so much. Now we can learn all about the culture of nipple shields.
• Average Joe: Hawaii ... Larissa (bikini pics)
• You've read about that German cannibal, right? Sky says that Hugh Grant wants to produce and star in the cannibal's story. Jeez, do you think there's any possibility that might ... suck? I swear this is not a Weekly World News story, and it really says, "he wants to show the world what a fine dramatic actor he is and he thinks playing a cannibal will prove his talents."
• The Lingerie Bowl sucked. ESPN said that, if given a choice, they would rather watch Patrick Swayze in "The Bachelor"
• President Bush says he can cut the budget deficit in half within five years. In other news, Charles Manson promised that if he is released he will set a five year goal to cut his mass-murdering down to half of its former level. The Ku Klux Klan presented their five year plan to lynch only half as many black guys. Here's a plan for you youngsters who want to be CEO's. (1) Take over a highly profitable company (2) Increase spending and/or decrease revenues enough so that you lose a massive amount of money (3) Hold on to your job by presenting a five year plan designed to cut losses in half in five years.
• Motion picture academy plans a film museum
• Gym workout 'guarantees more orgasms'. We had the same program in our high school gym. It was called a peephole.
• Happy 100th birthday, Salvador Dali.
• GALLUP: The President's job approval rating is now at the lowest point of his administration.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

13 Erotic Ghosts (2002) was directed by Fred Olin Ray. That fact and that title are the essential features of this movie. No need to say much about it. The plot device here is a house haunted by very friendly female ghosts. Called them Casper or perhaps Caspera. Their friendliness is not general, however, but is confined to one another and to the female member of the ghost-hunting team (played by Mia Zottoli). Which makes this a lesbo-fest of the first order, similar in many ways to the movies pumped out by Misty Mundae's operation at Seduction Cinema.

The number of women involved is impressive. It includes two former Penthouse Pets, Aria Giovanni and the ubiquitous Julie Strain, one cross-over pornabee by the name of Felony, the aforementioned Mia Zottoli, the Porcelain Twinz and a first-timer by the name of Nichole Sprecht. Everyone does everybody, or so it seems and oft is the time the scenes border on the pornographic, what with obvious oral-genital contact and gynocam views. The disk is also packed with loads of revealing extras including a 20-minute behind-the-scenes segment chock full of nudity. If girls pretending to do girls is your thing, you could do a lot worse for the price of admission.

The list of collages is as follows:

Aria Giovanni in seven of em. Hooters in all, some bush close-ups in link #5, bum in link #7. That's Felony she's getting all cozy with.

• Aria Giovanni (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Julie Strain in 5 collages. First three are from a couple of scenes, in which she pairs up with the Porcelain Twinz. Maybe that should be "triples up." Last two are from behind-the-scenes, including a long interview with a topless Julie. Gynocam in #'s 1, 3 and 5.

• Julie Strain (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Two collages of Felony, the first with Aria Giovanni and the second with Nichole Sprecht. Serious gynocam and an unmistakable mouth-to-muff shot in #2. As outlined above, IMDB leaves little doubt that Felony is a pornstar, since her previous work includes movies with titles you just don't find at Blockbuster.

• Felony (1, 2)

Mia is in 4 collages, including the king of all upskirt shots in #3. Mia works sometimes as Ava Lake and has put together quite the videography. Something like 31 movies in which she's given us a look at her after-market superstructure.

• Mia Zottoli (1, 2, 3, 4)

Nichole Sprecht did two collages worth of movie making. Gynocams in both, and Felony applies her face to Nichole's bush in #2.

• Nicole Sprecht (1, 2)

The Porcelain Twinz are last up. They have two scenes with Julie Strain, the second of which is seen in the regular feature and in the behind-the-scenes account.

Most of the time the action is Twinz-on-Julie or Julie-on-Twinz but collage #2 shows some mild twin-on-twin action.

• The Porcelain Twinz (1, 2, 3)

So, okay, this is not the Battleship Potemkin. It's not even If These Walls Could Talk. 13 Erotic Ghosts is part of a recent wave of psuedo-lesbo-exploitation, but within that sub-sub-genre it is about the best you are going to find.

"House of the Dead"
Suppose they gave a Sega commercial and nobody came? Basically, this 2003 movie is exactly that, and from what I've read of the attendance, nobody did come.

The plot is that a group of college kids going to a rave party on an island are attacked by zombies and monsters, and must fight for their life, killing zombies as they go, of course, just like the game.

It's not bad enough they show a Sega banner on the bandstand in the movie, but they actually pop 2-3 second clips of the game during the shooting scenes making it even lamer that it already was. Enjoy the nudity; for everything else just go play the game. I love b-movie horror flicks, but I have to give a giant thumbs down to this mess. Sorry, Sega, but stick to games and stay out of the movie business.

• Erica Parker
• Penny Phang
• Sonya Salomaa

Here are a few pre-gane production stills and vidcap highlights from the game.

Pre-game stills

• Angie Everhart, someone I don't recognize, Traci Bingham and Nikki Ziering. (1, 2, 3)
• Nikki Ziering and Angie Everhart. (1, 2,
• Nikki Ziering (1, 2)

Next up, a few collages by DeadLamb of the stars.

• Angie Everhart
• Nikki Ziering
• Traci Bingham, showing a ton of cleavage.

Last up...assorted babes in lingerie.

• Assorted babes (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Erika Christensen

NIPPLEGATE: DAY THREE
Overexposed - The furor over Janet Jackson's exposed breast at the Super Bowl halftime show continues and has even been dubbed "Nipplegate." Monday, Janet said it was a mistake and that only her pink lace bra was supposed to be revealed.