Shadow: Dead Riot

(2005)

Let's be clear about something. Shadow: Dead Riot, is a horrible horror film. HOWEVER, they embedded a women-in-prison flick inside this bloody mess, and that part of it, at least, offers a little fun. The horror part, unfortunately, is so dumb and senseless it's hard to figure out, but if you're into bloody scenes, you get a few.

Shadow, a man of tremendous strength and mystical powers, is executed for numerous crimes, but the execution is botched. The executioner is also the prison doctor, and he saves Shadow's blood, which he starts to inject into female prisoners as "vitamins", hoping to give them some of Shadow's powers. Shadow then comes back from the dead killing everyone in his path.

Now, just for fun, we'll throw in a bunch of zombies (Shadow's army), and all kinds of martial arts fighting, just so you don't get bored. Yeah, for the most part, it's totally senseless, but at least they remembered the shower scenes.

Misty Mundae

My next group comes from a disk called Rachel's Angels, which was said to be written and directed by Rachel Elizabeth. Written? Really? No one says a mofoing word. Bunch of gals, most of them silicone sisters, get rid of their clothes and wriggle around a whole lot. So WTF did she write? Words of encouragement? The address of the plastic surgeon who did her boob job? A post-it note on the fridge they all used during the taping? I am confused.

So why did I bother with this thing? It has a mess of Hefmates. Got Audra Lynn and Divini Rae and Ava Fabian...all of whom have done a film or two...and Heather Carolin. And then there is Sheila Levell and Jamie Hammer, who've also did some acting of a sort.  Elizabeth Kelly and Rachel Elizabeth fill out the list of strippers and wigglers. Audra was impressive, Divini was divine and the underused Heather was yummy. The others I could have taken or left. Rachel had a couple of explicit gynocam views. Everyone else was restrained in that department.

Ava Fabian's appearance was unwise. She must have been 45 when this thing was filmed. Once upon a time, 20 years ago, she was a spectacular beauty and there are times in this disk you can still see the wonders of her face. And she has kept in great shape. But, boys, she is old by anyone's definition and the skin and the bod just aren't what they used to be. I kept thinking of Chris Rock's comment about Janet Jackson's Super Bowl malfunction - a 20-yr-old tittie? That's everybody's tittie. A 40yr-old tittie? That's just your man's tittie. Ava should keep hers under wraps except for her man.

This is the fourth Peach DVD I have capped and maybe it's time to draw some general conclusions. From the perspective of someone who goes through a disk frame by frame I can see three things go into making a first-rate DVD - 1) Lots of great looking gals; 2) Competent filmmaking skills. You know, lighting and framing and all that sorta stuff you learn in a film course at your local junior college; 3) DVD rendering that compresses the whole thing so that motion chatter and all that sorta mess is missing. In that context, Peach gets the first part dead right and the last two dead wrong. In disk after disk and scene after scene, the lighting sucks and the cinematographic skills are nonexistent. Must of us did a better job filming Christmas morning. And then all of us who try it do a way better job making DVDs than these bozos. They screw up so often and results in such an egregious result that you gotta figure the people at Peach just don't give a flying fuck. Don't care about the product, don't care about the audience.

Too bad. Because their disks could be contenders. Instead, they are just bums. Face it, Charlie, they're just bums.

 

Today's featured performer: Heather Carolin

Film clips

 

Café solo o con ellas

(2007)

A Spanish version of the American Pie style of movie.

Lucia Jimenez

Penelope Valasco

Silvia Julia