Best Friends (1982) is a Norman Jewison romantic comedy staring Goldie Hawn and Burt Reynolds. The pair are lovers and work together as screenwriters. They have decided to move into a house, and Reynolds pressures her into marrying him. Their honeymoon trip to meet her parents in Buffalo and his in Virginia nearly finishes off the relationship.

The film plays out more like a stage play than a film, and while I found a few scenes laugh out loud funny, most of it was rather dull and predictable. I enjoyed it, of course, as I always love watching Goldie work, and Reynolds is also good in the right types of roles. Between a bath and two shower scenes, Goldie manages to expose her breasts in the full screen VHS version, but most of that is missing from this widescreen release. I have touched up my old VHS images for comparison. This explains why the film got a PG in 1982. The transfer is nicely done, but there are no special features. This is a C-, mostly of interest to Burt and/or Goldie Fans.

Consequence (2003):

Consequence is an unbelievably convoluted mystery/thriller from HBO pictures.

Armand Assante plays the part of a disgraced oral surgeon who concocts an elaborate plot to start a new life. His long-missing brother and some dental records provide the starting point. Armand reconfigures a corpse to have his brother's dentition. Then he swaps his dental records and his brother's. Bingo, he is now his own presumed-dead brother and the corpse is him. He then causes the corpse to be fried up unrecognizably in an accident, thus establishing his own death. His girlfriend is the beneficiary of his substantial insurance policies. Then he gets some plastic surgery and re-emerges as his long-missing brother.

Sounds good in theory. These complicated movie plots always do, don't they? Of course, our conniving dentist immediately encounters two major problems:

1) While he was getting and recovering from his plastic surgery, his girlfriend decided that there was no reason to share the loot.

2) His long-missing brother was not the altruistic Peace Corps volunteer that everyone thought he was. He was CIA. More important that that, he was rogue CIA, and expropriated something like a quarter of a billion dollars of the Agency's money. Obviously, there was a damned good reason why he went missing in the first place. When he "shows up" again, the entire CIA wants him, everyone ranging from the honest guys to his former partners in the money scam. Oops, I guess the dentist picked the wrong identity to assume.

Hoo-boy is this plot complicated! What I wrote so far may seem fairly complex, but that doesn't even scratch the surface of this plot. In fact, that was only the set-up, and was all revealed in the first half hour. There are so many crosses and double-crosses, and so many competing factions that I'm not even sure I knew who everyone was or why they did what they did. Assante himself got into more perils than Pauline, always to be rescued from his personal gallows at the last minute by one improbable deus ex machina or another, yet unable even to trust the people who just rescued him from the prior group.

At last, all of the various plot twists led up to one enormous final plot twist which was supposed to be a real shocker. Unfortunately, I had concluded after about ten minutes that the big surprise was the only possible inevitable conclusion. 

Whether you see it all coming or not, this twisty grade-B thriller is kind of fun in an operatic way, and director Paul Hickox showed true genius at getting a lot of mileage out of a low budget. There is a, entertaining and highly original car chase, and there are several moments filled with appreciable (if synthetic) tension.

On the other hand, the film could have benefited from fewer plot twists, less grisly violence, and more characterization. It's really a genre film for genre buffs only, just for the people who can never get enough complications, and love lurid, over-the-top material.

• Nadia Kretschmer (1, 2)

• unknown

OTHER CRAP:

• A senior Clark staffer says Wesley Clark will officially quit the Democratic presidential race tomorrow, after poor showings in Virginia and Tennessee. This leaves Madonna and Michael Moore scrambling for a candidate.
• Zeta-Jones joins the cast of Ocean's 12.
• Casting info about the Assault on Precinct 13 remake - Ethan Hawke and Lawrence Fishburne.
• Mickey Rourke shall rise again: The Interview
• Bankrupcy court records show: Mike Tyson's income for November, 2003 was $5.68. That's not in millions. That's five dollars and sixty eight cents. Tyson's total assets are now around $5,000 and his total debts are approximately $10,000,000.  He made between 200 and 300 million dollars in boxing.
• Liechtenstein invades and conquers USA. Americans unable to fight back because too obsessed with Janet Jackson's Breast.
• The SWIPE Toolkit decodes 2D barcodes. If anyone tries this, let me know how well it works.
• Kerry easily takes Tennessee and Virginia.
• No wonder Dean changed his mind about winning the Wisconsin primary. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel poll shows it is currently running: Kerry 45, Clark 13, Dean 12
• Four more free videos from Playboy's Twins & Sisters!
• Oh, this is cool. High-tech guide to Amsterdam. Click any spot on the map, and you are standing on that spot, with a 360 degree view around you.
• Nostalgia: Forever Vintage - The Most Comprehensive Retro Living Guide on the Web.
• Here, in .pdf format, are all the documents released by the White House regarding George Bush's military service. I'm embarrassed to say that I have no idea what this all means. I think either (a) he was a greater warrior than General Patton, Audie Murphy, and Robert E, Lee combined, or (b) he spent his entire military service using his uniform to pick up chicks at the local Malt Shop, and hiding under a table whenever the real soldiers came looking for him.
• Your Parasite Pals for Kidz. There's Tickles the tapeworm, Dig Dig the head louse, and so many more new parasitic friends, like Uncle Louis, who drinks all your booze and empties the refrigerator while he camps out on your couch.
• In a last-ditch attempt to salvage his campaign, DEAN BEGS GORE TO ENDORSE KERRY INSTEAD.
• Bush's Vietnam records released. I'm am linking to this because one of our eagle-eyed regulars spotted a classic logical fallacy. The White House spokesman said: "When you serve, you are paid for that service ... He was paid ... That means he served". In fact, when a statement is true, one may not automatically assume the converse. "If p then q" does not automatically imply "if q then p". In essence, the spokesman said. "If it is a triangle, it must be a polygon. It is a polygon . Therefore it must be a triangle".
• Sports Illustrated - 2004 Swimsuit Issue - Athletes Photo Gallery (Including Anna K in a fairly small bikini)
• WARNING: The latest internet phony windfall scam. Interestingly, everyone has a relative who died in Brussels and left behind a treasure-trove of gold he hid from the Nazis. Or some other source of instant riches.
• Jon Stewart weighs in on the President's appearance on Meet the Press.
• Call him Timberweasel: "'That was fun,' Timberlake said in a television interview immediately after the performance. 'We love giving you something to talk about.'" ... A FEW DAYS LATER ... In an interview with a CBS television station in Los Angeles, Timberlake claimed he was "completely shocked and appalled" by her partial nudity.
• TRIVIA: Which is the most corrupt of the 50 states? Surprisingly, Louisiana only finished third. The LEAST corrupt is Nebraska, presumably because it has nothing worth stealing.
• What To Rent analyzes your personality, asks you about your current mood, then recommends movies based on them. They may be on to something. I got five recommendations, and they are all films I really do like. (Clerks, Talk to Her, The Big Lebowski, Kubrick's Lolita, Monty Python's Holy Grail)
• Justin Timberlake Signs On For First Big-Screen Acting Role. Surprisingly after his Grammy performance, he'll be playing a male role in a species with a backbone.
• Donkey Kong Barrel Maze - damnably addictive (noisy, if you are at work).
• 10 cultural turning points in TV history. From Lucy's baby to Janet's booby.
• Nielsen says The Passion of the Christ will open with a $15-$30 million weekend. Pretty impressive considering it has an advertising budget of zero, and that the film is entirely in Latin and Aramaic, and that a year ago the film couldn't get a distributor. When Gibson announced this project, I had many a cynical laugh at his expense, since I believed nobody would ever see the film. Boy, was I wrong. Gibson proved himself to be a greater promotional genius than Madonna and David Ogilvy put together. My cap is off to him.
• More tittygate fallout: ABC might edit 'NYPD Blue' sex scene. I'll tell you what I would do. Pull a Richard Branson. He used to keep Virgin Records open on Sunday in Paris in violation of city ordinances, and after the first weekend he personally showed up to pay the fine on Monday morning, as his "donation to the beautiful city of Paris". If I were Stephen Bochco, I'd arrange for something like full-frontal nudity from Jessica Alba or Katie Holmes or Britney Spears, advertise the hell out of it, and send the $27,500 fine to the FCC in advance. Be the best money he ever spent.
• Foreman wants to return to ring. The 55 year old ex champ is in training for a one fight comeback. He hopes to take on that guy who played Les Nessman on WKRP.
• Police in Finland have issued a $150,000+ fine to a speeder. Speeders in Finland are fined based upon their income. Which means I can drive as fast as I want for free in Finland. If only I could afford a car. And a ticket to Finland.
• Follow-up. Woman drops her lawsuit over the Jackson peep show.
• President Bush has crippled China by buying the world's entire supply of chopsticks! "China may have the world's largest standing army, but without food their troops wouldn't have the strength to march or fight," explains a senior administration official who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
• Thailand bans big flabby buttocks. In other news, the Kathy Bates Bangkok Film Festival was postponed indefinitely.
• Dr. Atkins died at 258 pounds, with heart disease.
• Anna K in new SI Swimsuit Edition
• Worms, viruses, and more ... mydoom mutants mount new attacks on microsoft.com
• Satan now organizing a game of pond hockey. O'Reilly says he was wrong, apologizes.: "Conservative television news anchor Bill O'Reilly said on Tuesday he was now skeptical about the Bush administration and apologized to viewers for supporting prewar claims that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction."
• Arena Football cheerleaders: The San Jose SaberKittens.
• The excellent five minute trailer for The Machinist (2004). The people who have downloaded this clip have rated it 9.44/10. Christian Bale lost 65 pounds to play this role, and he wasn't that big to begin with. He looks frighteningly thin.
• "Simpsons" - the Movie!
• X-MEN director Bryan Singer to write X-Men comics.
• Prank calls made with celebrity impersonations.
• A new gallery of pictures from Carrey and Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
• New screen shots from I, Robot.
• New pics and trailer from The Day After Tomorrow.
• Still looking for a job? Willing to relocate to Brazil? Fat samba dancers wanted
• The Daily Show looks at Tittygate. Again, and again, and again.
• "Put down that light saber and pick up a credit card: The 'Star Wars' trilogy is finally coming to DVD Sept. 21." Special editions will be made available, but the original theatrical releases will not be in the package.
• If you have $249 and a good picture of yourself, imatoy will turn you into a superhero action figure, complete with back story and blister pack.
• I gave him the choice: The monkey or me. He chose the monkey. ... and he's still spanking it to this day.
• William Hung: A Real American Idol!
• Men arrested for selling tank online: "German police have arrested two men who bought a tank in Greece and tried to sell it on the internet"
• If Sean Combs had known Janet was going to upstage him, he would have "whipped out something on this world that you would have never forgot."
• The Charlton Heston Online Shrine
• The Church of England concedes that the three wise men might have been women. ... and they could have been stupid, and there could have been 11 of them. But the "eleven dumb broads" didn't seem to have the right Christmassy feel to it. Except, of course, at Sinatra's house. Here is the "Urban Legends" page which debunked the traditional assumption that there were three. (Some religious scholars theorize that there may have been a dozen.)
• Bush Gains, Kerry-Bush Horse Race a Dead Heat

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

1. It's Emily Mortimer day in the Shiloh corner. She's thin, but she has some gorgeous breasts. Here she is in The Sleeping Dictionary (.avi version, .wmv version)

2. And here is Mortimer showing a lot more than just her breasts, as she strips for inspection in Lovely and Amazing. (.avi version, .wmv version)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

As we've mentioned in the past, back in the day Pat partnered up with another radio man, George Gimarc, and wrote a very funny book called "Hollywood Hi-Fi". For those who have forgotten our previous praise and ramblings..."Hollywood Hi-Fi" a tribute to all the worst albums every recorded by so-called celebrity singers like Bill Shatner and Crispin Glover. The book has been out of print for several years and is hard to find, but for fans of actors trying to be singers, we have good news....

George Gimarc has as come into a stash of "Hollywood Hi-Fi", direct from the publisher's warehouse! These are NEW, autographed copies that you can pick up for online for $10 (over 30% off the the original price of $14.95!).

Click here to check out excerpts from the book, as well as all the info you need to pick up your own copy!

Rosi Chernogorova
(1, 2, 3)

THERE MUST BE 91 WAYS TO FOOL YOUR LOVER
But They ALWAYS Find Out - Psychologists at Florida University have identified 91 ways that people keep an affair secret from their partner. The most effective ways for a cheating man to fool his wife are to pretend to have greater interest in her, and to talk about spending more "quality time" with her and about their future together as a family. Women most commonly fool their partners by not changing their daily routine, clothes or beauty regimen; becoming unusually attentive; wearing their wedding rings more often; and suddenly giving their partners more sex.