Hell's Kitchen (1998) was covered by Scoopy when it was first released, and based on his review, I didn't order it. With breast exposure from Angelina Jolie and Rosanna Arquette as her mother, as well as a stripper, I elected to give it a try. This was a first time directing effort from Tony Cinciripini for $6M, and grossed a whopping $9.12K in its public release. The box office, and the 4.3 IMDB rating should be enough to warn you off. Add the fact that the nude scenes are very dark, and I was right in ignoring it.

Part of the problem is that Cinciripini didn't know what kind of film he was trying to make. He managed a complete young fighter genre with all of the plot elements, including bad boy turns good, has eccentric manager, gets title bout, is asked to throw the fight, and defends justice and the American way, but this is only a minor plot element. The main story is about how the fighter and some friends tried robbery, and one of the friends ended up shot and killed. The fighter went to prison for the crime. The dead kids sister shacked up with another for the friends, who now owned a nightclub, but the owner was also banging her dope addict mother, Arquette. There is also a sub-plot where the fighter rescues a tough street kid.

There were just too many things going on to get into any part of the story, way to many characters, and most of the tale was unpleasant. D.

Wonderland (2003):

Wonderland is a re-creation of the 1981 Wonderland murders, in which a famous Hollywood mobster named Eddie Nash was alleged to have ordered the murder of some small-time crime figures and their women as retribution for their having robbed him. The grisly case (the victims were bludgeoned to death with large metal objects) attained an extra measure of fame because one of the accomplices to the murder was said to have been John Holmes, the biggest star in the history of porn (in more ways than one). Holmes's bloody handprint was found on the scene.

The characters were portrayed fictionally in the second half of the notable P. T. Anderson film, Boogie Nights. The Mark Wahlberg character was based on Holmes. The Alfred Molina character was based on Nash. 

Holmes eventually claimed to have been present and to have participated unwillingly in the murders, supposedly forced by Nash to participate because of Holmes's putative involvement with the earlier robbery. At one point, Holmes was tried and acquitted on the murder counts. Holmes went to his grave in 1988, a victim of AIDS-related illness, without ever admitting to voluntary participation in the events. Since Holmes was generally acknowledged to be a compulsive liar, nobody knows if any of his versions of the story were true.

Although Nash was never convicted of involvement in the Wonderland murders, he was indicted on federal RICO charges in 2000, and reached a plea bargain in 2001, which the US Attorney announced as follows: "After pleading guilty to federal charges of leading a racketeering enterprise and conspiring to commit the notorious “Wonderland murders,” Eddie Nash was sentenced this afternoon to 37 months in federal prison. A plea agreement between the government and Nash was unsealed today, revealing that the defendant has agreed to fully cooperate with federal, state and local authorities who are continuing to investigate Nash’s racketeering enterprise and other criminal conduct of which Nash has knowledge. John Curtis Holmes, the pornographic film star ... was a member of Nash’s narcotics trafficking enterprise, and ... orchestrated the robbery of Nash that led to the murder conspiracy." Unfortunately, that tantalizing revelation was to be the last public access to Nash's confessions to this date, and the public has still not seen Nash's specific statements about Holmes.

The film gives two versions of the robbery/murder sequence. The first is told by a member of the Wonderland Gang, the only one who escaped death because he wasn't in the house on the night that Nash's minions arrived. The second version is related by Holmes himself (Val Kilmer). The audience cannot be sure what to believe because both men are notorious for their inability to tell the truth, but the film concludes with a "objective" version of the murders, a scene which must represent the filmmakers' personal conclusions about what really happened.

Although it's a bit show-offy in terms of technique, the movie is skillfully made. It is also unrelentingly ugly and grim. It is a sordid telling and re-telling of incidents involving people taking vast quantities of drugs, living in squalor, and committing ugly and violent acts upon one another. It's ugly non-stop. The final portrayal of the killings, the "objective" version, is brutally honest and honestly brutal, almost at the level of Irreversible.

The grotesque drug-addled lives of the participants are enhanced by speed-ups, multiple images, sudden changes in saturation and lighting, a grainy shot-on-video newsreel feel, and other techniques designed to draw the audience deeper into the lives of the people portrayed.

I never got drawn in, just because those people are uniformly unpleasant and evil. It is not possible to sympathize with Eddie during his humiliation in the robbery, because he's the biggest scumbag in L.A. It's not really possible to sympathize with the murder victims, despite the brutality of their slaughter, because they are not far below Eddie on the scumbaggery scale. In fact, they are probably more evil than Eddie, albeit less successful at turning evil into profit. There are really no major characters who are attractive or likeable in any way, although Holmes's girlfriend and ex-wife are portrayed as innocent victims of his crazed lifestyle, and one does feel for them.

The truth does justify the ugliness of the portrayal, and I support that in theory, but that doesn't mean I liked watching it. I didn't. I wish I hadn't. I admired a lot of what the director accomplished, but I never got involved in the film at all.

Wonderland is a 2-disk set. It comes packaged with the Documentary "Wadd", a look back at the life of John Holmes, and an important source of material for Wonderland. It included interviews with his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, directors, and co-stars, plus his good friend and manager who helped him "create himself".

There is almost no female nudity, just the side of Kate Bosworth's hips! (Val Kilmer did show his butt, but who cares?)

• Kate Bosworth (1, 2)

• Paris Hilton (she's everywhere!) (1, 2)

The Heart of Me (2003):

As you guys know, when it comes to classification, I am the Carolus Linneaus of chick-flicks. Here's the taxonomy:

category: chick-flick (female rating 1.5 higher than male)

sub-category: granny type (scores increase as the age of the reviewers increases)

division: weepfest

sub-division: long-concealed love

type: period costumes

sub-type: wartime England

I found this flick every bit as tedious as Tuna did (complete summary page), but I appreciate that the beautiful photography was used for good as well as evil. The evil being a period costume weepfest, the good being these two women with their shirts off:

• Helena Bonham Carter (1, 2)
• Olivia Williams (1, 2)

MAILBOX:

OTHER CRAP:

• Quote of the day: "The Democrats seem to have succumbed to a terrible bout of wishful thinking, like Michael Moore bringing a condom in his wallet to a Sports Illustrated swimsuit-photo shoot."
• Rob Schneider shows off his new nipple ring.
• Big, big news. The White House releases '73 Bush dental exam. The bad news: he had two cavities. The good news: they were Bill Clinton's fault.
• The Covert Comic "is a real CIA officer who likes to write intelligence jokes and prose, post them on his web site, and donate proceeds to US veterans and their families."
• 'Master and Commander' Wins British Critics' Awards. Lord of the Rings was shut out. One thing that the British critics do better than the Americans is to treat comedies on an equal status with dramas and melodramas. In that vein, Bill Nighy was quite rightly awarded the best supporting actor award for his hilarious role in Love Actually!
• URL says it all: ILoveKarlRove.com
• The trailer for The Whole Ten Yards, with the whole cast back for the sequel.
• Four more free videos from Playboy Plus!
• President Bush plans to endorse a constitutional amendment that would specifically define marriage as the union of a Republican man and a good Christian woman. The President and his advisors are still debating whether to require that one or both partners have golf handicaps below 18.
• Jim Carrey to star in remake of "The Day After". According to executives at Universal Pictures, "nuclear war was never so hilarious!" The company is also drawing up plans for Carrey to star in a remake of "Schindler's List", tentatively called Ace Ventura 3.
• Insect Fossil Is Declared World's Oldest: Scientists say they have discovered the world's oldest known insect fossil. 400 million years. They also believe it was a flying insect, which would make it the first known airborne creature.
• French Bride Wore Black Because the Groom Was Dead. Honeymoon at Bernies? Actually she made a pretty good move marrying a guy who had been dead for 18 months. (a) He's the only Frenchman likely to avoid other women (b) He smells better than average by French standards.
• Lots and lots of Lingerie Bowl pictures.
• Jon Stewart interviews Dave Chappelle.
• Judge issues arrest warrant for Courtney Love after she misses a court date. The order was stayed until Tuesday, the date of Love's next hearing, meaning that the widow of legendary grunge rocker Curt Cobain will be arrested if she fails to make that court date.
• 155 pound Newfoundland wins Westminster top dog prize.
• Bin Laden's limo driver chosen to stand trial. His defense: bin Laden made him wait for three hours in the parking lot of a weapons manufacturer and then again at Toys 'r Us - and didn't even give him a decent tip! Thank God we're zeroing in on the key people in international terrorism. Next up: Mullah Omar's pedicurist, Atta's shoeshine boy, and the guy who played Saddam in those Hot Shots! movies.
• Madonna facelift riddle.
• Hoopster pulls up for the 75-Foot jumper at the buzzer - on video.
• The top competitive prizes at the 21st annual Miami Intl. Film Festival. You know it's an important festival when "The Story of the Weeping Camel" takes top honors.
• Prime time network Nielsen ratings for Feb. 2-8 ABC has NO shows in the top 20. Not a one.
• The Daily Show looks at cruise ships.
• The Daily Show looks at Pakistani nuclear proliferation..
• Where time stands still: Hihokan - Erotic Museums in Japan
• Watch the first eight minutes of Mayor of the Sunset Strip, a documentary about the life of DJ Rodney on the Roc.
• Watch the trailer or the first eight minutes of City of God, which was nominated for the Best Director statue.
• What is your Cyborg Name?
• Sexy Beer commercial with girl/girl kissing and guys ogling.
• Man Creates Program to Protect Music File-Sharers From RIAA
• Arena Football Cheerleaders: Orlando Predators - The Prowlers.
• Snowmobile ban in parks overturned: "U.S. District Judge Clarence Brimmer in Wyoming ruled the restrictions would cause irreparable harm to companies that rely on snowmobiling in the parks." Let me see if I understand the logic of that ruling correctly. The United States can never live in peace, because that would do irreparable harm to the companies that manufacture weapons and other military equipment. The Federal Government cannot issue stricter air pollution standards because it would do irreparable harm to polluting companies. The FCC can't ban T&A on television, because it would do irreparable economic harm to pop divas and Steven Bochco. Do I have it about right?
• Justice Scalia justifies Dick Cheney hunting trip. "It did not involve a lawsuit against Dick Cheney as a private individual. This was a government issue. It's acceptable practice to socialize with executive branch officials when there are not personal claims against them. That's all I'm going to say for now. Quack, quack." Whoa. Thank god there is no personal claim against Cheney, only the mere matter of his entire political and personal reputation resting upon a favorable verdict. That distinction saved the day! Or, as Oliver Wendell Holmes would have said, "Quack, Quack"
• Norwegian researcher reports: "We're not saying the cod is monogamous, but it will choose a partner after some playfulness, dancing and flirting." Whoa. Norwegians spend way too much time thinking about Cod. It's no coincidence that "tor" and "torsk" have the same root. "Tor, I want a divorce. All you t'ink about is Cod." "Vel, not true, Solfryd. Sometimes I t'ink about herring"
• Here's a new penguin-bashing game. I came on strong at the end with my best shot (92) on my last shot to score 564. If I understand it correctly, a thousand is perfect.
• Larry Flynt visits the Yahd?? The Harvard Committee on College Life voted to approve a student-run magazine that will feature nude pictures of Harvard undergraduates. Now if Janet Jackson enrolls for some classes, she can show her breasts with the blessing of higher academia.
• You've read about the controversy which swirls around Bertolucci's new movie. What about the film itself? Film Jerk asks "Is The Dreamers any good for people who don't wear turtlenecks?"
• Rotten Tomatoes overview of The Dreamers: 55% positive reviews, 33% from the top critics.
• Here's the trailer and a slideshow from Bertolucci's The Dreamers.
• The comprehensive guide to chat room emoticons. My favorite one is :-.) that is the official shorthand for Cindy Crawford. Get it? Here's Bill Shatner {:- Here are a few more funny ones.
• 'Miracle' for sale: 1980 game-winning puck. $95,000? What the puck is going on here? Looks like it was a smart idea to time the sale with the release of Miracle, because the owner is hoping for a 600% profit in one year.
• Chippy the sea lion found with a bullet in his head. Hey, Fat Tony warned him about the vig.
• Can you identify all the States before the timer expires?
• Comcast makes $66B bid to Disney shareholders. In addition to intellectual property, Disney owns ABC, ESPN, its own film studio, and the theme parks.
• Fox is the #1 network in the key 18-49 demographic. Their monster hit, American Idol, is the key.
• Star Wars Episode 3 pics
• More flesh for Janet - tastefully topless on her new album cover.
• USATODAY says hospital files show that Dr. Atkins was NOT obese when admitted. He was admitted on April 8, 2003, weighing 195 pounds. Stuart Trager, a surgeon and consultant for the Atkins companies, said Atkins' weight ballooned in the hospital because of fluid retention from organ failure. (I'm confused on this. The story says he died a mere 9 days after his admission, weighing 258. Could he have gained 63 pounds in 9 days from that fluid retention, or is there a major error somewhere?)
• Snoop Dogg - The ultimate success story: From drug dealer to rapper to movie star

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

1. It's Holly Hunter day in the Shiloh corner. Here she is in The Piano, with the camera shooting right up her rumpus. (.avi version, .wmv version)

2. And here is Hunter, having really worked out since The Piano and showing off a perfectly exercised butt in Living out Loud. (.avi version, .wmv version)

3. And here is Hunter's brief love scene with Billy Crudup in Jesus' Son. (.avi version, .wmv version)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• Sharon Stone, in one of her 'pre-famous' topless scenes.
• Vanity, from one of her 'wannabe famous' topless scenes.

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Annette Haven
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

As we've mentioned in the past, back in the day Pat partnered up with another radio man, George Gimarc, and wrote a very funny book called "Hollywood Hi-Fi". For those who have forgotten our previous praise and ramblings..."Hollywood Hi-Fi" a tribute to all the worst albums every recorded by so-called celebrity singers like Bill Shatner and Crispin Glover.

Here's what the critics have said: The Phoenix Sun named it the "Best Weird Book of the Year," and Cool & Strange Music magazine called it the "Best Hard-To-Find Book of the Year,"

The book has been out of print for several years and is hard to find, but for fans of actors trying to be singers, we have good news.... George Gimarc has as come into a stash of "Hollywood Hi-Fi", direct from the publisher's warehouse! These are NEW, autographed copies that you can pick up for online for $10 (over 30% off the the original price of $14.95!).

Click here to check out excerpts from the book, as well as all the info you need to pick up your own copy!

FOREMAN PLANS BOXING COMEBACK
He'll Just Spank His Opponent - George Foreman, who already set a boxing record by winning the heavyweight belt at 45, says he's planning another comeback at 55. Foreman said it's time people stopped being afraid of being 50 or 60, worrying about their medical exam results all the time, and he wants to show them what can be done. He started working out on his 55th birthday last month with a goal of getting down to 225 pounds. He said he may have to cut out desserts to drop another 50 pounds.