Wednesday

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Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps (1999 video) is a Surrender Cinema production distributed by Full Moon Entertainment. That being said, you already no that it is a soft-core with lots of naked women, and a hint of a plot. Two friends walk through a magic mirror, and end up in the old west as saloon girls. By the time they figure out how to get back, they both have been laid, one of them is nearly hanged, and they learn to appreciate their spouses. I have seen worse premises for one of these, for instance, the one I reviewed last night. In this case, 6 women show their all: Amy Lindsay, Kim Yates, Taimie Hannum, Michelle Bauer, Amber Newman, and Shannon Malone.

Understand that you don't watch one of these for the plot or the acting, but lines were delivered somewhat convincingly, and Kim Yates is absolutely charming. Most of the nudity is in focus and in clear light, and they made some effort on the sets. This is a full C+.

MAJOR OSCAR NOMINEES:

Links lead to official info pages at oscars.com

Only three nominees appeared in both the Best Director and Best Picture category, and thus appear to be the ones to beat: Gosford Park, Lord of the Rings, A Beautiful Mind.

MOVIES:

Iris is the movie for which the ever-naked Kate Winslet is nominated as Best Supporting Actress

• Winslet. These are bootlegs, so not perfect, but not bad. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Kiss of the Dragon wasn't nominated for anything. Action picture with Jet Li. The premise - Tcheky Karyo drives around and fires an automatic weapon at everyone in Paris, hoping that Jet Li will be somewhere in the crowd. When Jet is the only remaining Parisian, he applies an ancient, secret acupuncture technique which reverses the flow of the blood and makes Tcheky's head blow up good! I know it sounds stupid - that's because it IS stupid, but I sorta enjoyed it as a mindless actioner. Former Boy Wonder Luc Besson co-wrote this script, but did not direct.

• Bridget Fonda

The following are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Now what is good about this flick ? Four actresses take their clothes off, with a special mentioning for Lou Doillon who shows that she is as uninhibited as her mother was in the Seventies. The other actresses are Linda Bouhenni (as Nana's best friend Zoe) in a short, practically dark, scene that I had to lighten up, Assupmta Serna as the wife of a politician who beds a journalist, and someone named Yssa whom Nana finds in bed with her boyfriend, also in a rather dark scene.

What's not to like about this film ? It is too long and the script seems written by someone who doesn't know much about "the system" in Belgium. First Nana's child gets taken away for something that isn't considered such a big deal here (although not an example to follow), just like that, without even a proper hearing by the authorities. The child didn't suffer from malnutrition, she didn't beat it, in fact Nana was a very loving mother who would do anything for her child. She only left the child unattended for an hour at night for a couple of times. I don't know about other countries, but in this country they don't take away a child from a loving mother for that.

Then, after she beat up the headmistress, she goes on the run from the police (who drive a Belgian police car with French license plates, figure that). At some stage during the movie Nana has a big success as a model for a jeans brand and plenty of money is coming in. Then her agent gets her a top lawyer who must get her child back. Top lawyer, my ass. Nana was tried for the attack in absento, so she is entitled to a new trial here. Now in the movie there were no witnesses of the beating, so it is Nana's word against that of the headmistress. No lawyer in this country is going to let his client confess to that beating, thereby jeopardizing even more his clients' chances to get her child back. There is no bonus for it here, the system doesn't hug you for doing the right thing. With a confession a lawyer doesn't have any space left to maneuver and you're almost certain to get a heavier punishment than when you don't own up (unless it's crystal clear to the court that you did it, which wasn't the case here). Yep, if she had been caught in Belgium Winona Ryder would be doing the right thing !

Furthermore Nana's big love is a Belgian army officer on a mission in Kosovo. Nothing wrong with that one might say. No indeed, except that he's wearing a light kaki old-style uniform that isn't in use anymore for about five years now. The color of the current uniforms of the Belgian army is dark green like those of their American colleagues. Let me also add that the DP, if there was one, was saving permanently on electricity, and that the camera work is only average. All in all I watched excellent actors in a sloppy, under average film, just like the DVD which is too grainy. By the way, the exact run time is 177 minutes and not 204 min. like indicated on the DVD case. Talk about sloppy.

• Linda Bouhenni, dark, but frontal nudity.

• Assumpta Serna, breast exposure.

• Yssa, fully nude with breasts, bum, and maybe a hint of pubes.

• Lou Doillon, topless and full frontal nudity. (1, 2)

Meanwhile...every inch of skin is visible from these 3 ladies (including gyno-cam images).

• Lisbeth Hummel
• Pascale Rivault
• Sirpa Lane

Stephanie McMahon showing a whole bunch of cleavage, and possibly just a hint of a nipslip (link #s 5,6,7 and 8). Thanks to Helcrom for the collage.

• Stephanie McMahon (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Thanks to Nicnac for suffering through this movie so that no one else has to.

Michelle Bauer
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)

This is Australian Actress Lisa McCune. She is one of the most popular soapie stars in the country winning the top 'people's choice' awards many times.

She is particularly popular with the older generation which is why her nudity in the film 'The Potato Factory' was so unexpected. It's unfortunately far too brief but 'two of the three B's' are represented and this is a scene which I've not seen capped well yet.

I assume you've already seen the Oscar nominations. How in the hell they could overlook Billy Bob Thornton, who did both "The Man Who Wasn't There" (which also should have been nominated for Best Picture, in my opinion) and "Monster's Ball," and give a nomination to Sean Penn for drooling on himself in "I Am Sam" is beyond human comprehension. Why does the Academy always think that it takes superhuman acting skill to play retarded? It seems to be it would no stretch whatsoever for Sean Penn to play someone with the brain power of a seven-year-old. For proof, read any interview with him.

Jr's added comments....Ethan Hawke? Best Supporting Actor nomination? Has anyone checked the thermometer in Hell lately?

Anyway, some celeb news from IMDB news. The first one concerns your king. He's willing to pay big money for extracurricular sex. This is news?...

Sheen's Pre-Nup: $4 Million Penalty If He Cheats
If Charlie Sheen cheats on future wife Denise Richards the curvy star will pocket a cool $4 million. The acting couple have signed a prenuptial agreement, which gives reformed bad boy Sheen a big financial incentive to stay faithful to his gorgeous partner. Sheen, who has resurrected his career after taking over from Michael J. Fox on Spin City, famously used to date Hollywood's top prostitutes during his drug-fuelled early 20s. And Richards wants more than words before she walks up the aisle with her fiance later this year.

Lisa Kudrow's Preserved Virginity
Actress Lisa Kudrow has no recollection of life as a sex-fueled teen -because she didn't lose her virginity until the age of 31. The Friends star, who married advertising executive Michael Stern in 1995, was so intent on saving herself for the right man, she refused to give in to temptations of the flesh until she was ready. She says, "I waited until I was married. My virginity was an honor that I was bestowing on a man - he had to be worthy of it." Kudrow and her husband now have a three-year-old son, Julian Murray, so obviously that honor has been bestowed.

Lara Flynne Boyle Loves Being A Bitch
Jack Nicholson's former lover Lara Flynn Boyle is proud of being a bitch - because it's who she really is. The skinny actress admits she spent some time trying to appear sweet and nice so audiences would like her, but she eventually gave it up - and now she's happy with who she is. She says, "I thought, 'I'm just going to do my thing. Maybe people won't like it, but at least I'll be able to sleep at night.' So I went back to being me. Nowadays the word bitch doesn't have such a negative connotation. I've had that written about me quite a few times and I find it complimentary."

Director Defends Monster's Ball Sex Scenes
The Swiss director of new movie Monster's Ball insists the film's long and explicit sex scene is "vital" to the plot. Director Marc Foster knew he was courting controversy with the movie, which tells the story of an affair between a racist prison guard, played by Billy Bob Thornton, and a black woman, played by Halle Berry, whose husband is in his jail. Forster says the graphic nature of the scene had required some sharp cutting to get past the American censors, even though he tried to keep it intact. He says, "I had to cut a minute to get the rating. I tried to convince them the scene was vital. It seems you can't have too much thrusting. We cut some out." Gorgeous Berry, meanwhile, loved the chance to escape her usual eye-candy roles, and to lose herself in a different sort of character. She says, "I could leave my physical self in Los Angeles. We filmed in New Orleans. She cared little about herself. I didn't work out. I lost weight. I was rather waif-like. I didn't care about my body."

Scoops,

The picture of Gold medalist Kari Traa were taken from a magazine called "Ultra". The image of Kari bottomless (with her hand covering things down below) became controversial when it first ran, and she lost her sponsor! Amazing really, considering she didn't actually show the goodies. But I guess they're sorry now, after the Gold medal!

-P