The Night and the Moment (1994) is a joint English/Italian/French film billed as an erotic costumer. It stars Lean Olin as a Marquise, and Willem Dafoe as a philandering writer of erotica whom she has invited to be one of her many house guests. Dafoe shows up in her bedroom that night, and, supposedly, the two try to seduce each other for the rest of the night in a cat and mouse game where she resists him, but makes him tell her stories of his exploits with other women who are also guests.

He does describe his trysts with Miranda Richardson and Carole Richert, but keeps returning to the story of his arrest for writing erotica, and the mysterious woman in the cell next to him. I will say that there are a very few plusses. Richert shows her breasts, and Richardson has a nip slip. The costumes and set design are very nice, and the cinematography does justice to them. So much for the good news. Olin and Dafoe use all of their talents delivering 90 minutes of the most boring, pretentious dialogue I have ever had to sit through. While they delivered the lines properly, they didn't, even for a moment, convince me that there was any chemistry between them. The climax was supposed to be a surprise revelation as to the identity of the mysterious woman in the adjoining cell, but it was telegraphed from nearly the start of the film, and I didn't really care anyway.

I always thought of Italy as being very strong musically, but it seems there is only one musician left in the entire country, Ennio Morricone, who did the score for this, and every recent Italian film I know of. The film had the resources of three important countries in cinema, and an outstanding cast, but managed to make sex and seduction a colossal bore. IMDB readers score this 4.1 of 10, but with only 51 votes. I don't expect the film to go higher as more people make the mistake of seeing it. It is technically competent, but an awful story in every way. D-

Movies:

Under Heavy Fire (2001), aka Going Back.

When model Carré Otis made her film debut in Wild Orchid in 1990, I was struck by the extremes she brought to her role. On the one hand, she was one of the freshest looking and most beautiful women I had ever seen. On the other hand, she was what Comic Book Guy might call  "worst.actress.ever"

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

She lived about twenty hard lifetimes during the 1990's. Heroin addiction, life with Hollywood bad boy Mickey Rourke, tattoos, massive weight gain, bulemia, massive weight loss. After all that, she has her looks back and is just as beautiful as ever.

And her acting has not improved one iota.

She met her match in this cast. Think about it for a second. If you wanted to  match her with a perfect male counterpart, an exquisitely handsome man with no acting ability, who would you choose? There may be several good answers to that question, but I think her actual co-star, Casper Van Dien, was as good a choice as any.

It's a war story about a group of Vietnam vets who return after the war. Van Dien plays an officer who is falsely accused of having caused many deaths in his company by providing the flyboys with incorrect bombing co-ordinates. Otis plays a reporter who is covering the team's return to their former battlefield. The casting was truly bizarre. In addition to the Otis/Van Dien debacle, the strangest thing is that the Vietnam Vets all seem to be in their 20s and 30s. I kept thinking that the film must have taken place in 1978 or something, but when I looked it up I saw that the present day action takes place in 2001, while the flashbacks occur in 1968. Van Dien was supposed to be a captain in the war, so I suppose he would have been - what? -  26? 28? 30?. That would make him between 59 and 63 in 2001, but he played the part with no aging make-up except grey hair and a grey beard. He looked like a very handsome 30 year old man with white hair, and some of his old company looked even younger. I just didn't get it at all. It looked like my high school's production of Oklahoma!, in which people of the older generation, like Aunt Eller, were played by high school kids who made no attempt to look or act older except for the official Lorne Greene Brand can of spray-on grey hair.

Despite the casting problems, and although it went straight-to-vid in the USA on a bare bones DVD with no widescreen version, this film is nowhere near as bad as you would think. In fact, this might have been a decent little movie with some better acting from actors the right age for the parts. I found some things to like in this film.

• The musical score consisted of the greatest hits of the Vietnam Era (Country Joe, Buffalso Springfield). This isn't the first period film to use that music, but it was used correctly nonetheless.
• There were some very affecting interviews with the people of Vietnam.
• The story of Echo company itself (Van Dien's unit) was fairly interesting.
• The production values and location footage were amazingly good for a straight-to-vid.

I called it a C-, indicating it is (barely) watchable if the subject interests you.

You know who directed this? Sydney Furie. Sydney Friggin' Furie!!

I didn't even know he was still alive.

Furie is no stranger to Vietnam War films, having directed The Boys in Company C, but his best films were made between 1965-1978. That was a long time ago. Based on the IMDb scores, his top film is The Ipcress File, which was made 36 years before Under Heavy Fire. I am now an old man, and I was a high school junior when that film came out! Furie made his first film when I was nine years old. He isn't slowing down a bit. IMDb says he made two films in 2002, and is making two more in 2003, both starring Dolph Lundgren. OK, OK, they're not monster summer blockbusters or artistic triumphs, but the guy is still at it, and he got Carre Otis to take off her shirt. God bless the old geezer.

• Carre Otis (1, 2, 3)

• Some other chick (1, 2, 3)

Oscar crap

If you really think you know who is going to win, there are plenty of offshore betting sites that will allow you to put your money where your mouth is. These are not those wusses who list odds "for entertainment only", but real gambling sites. These are the opening odds from intertops.com. (Oscar betting is listed in the sportsbook under entertainment)

Best Picture

Best Director

Best Actor

Best Actress

Biggest surprise: industry insiders have been talking as if Nicole Kidman were a shoo-in for best actress. Intertops is actually offering 2-1 odds on her, and makes her about even with Julianne Moore. If you believe the industry people, a bet on Kidman is a solid opportunity.

By the way:  Chris Cooper is considered almost a lock for best supporting actor. He's at 3-2, and the second best is 9-2.

Shock: it's frightening to think that so many people who are in the industry, and are supposed to know shit from shinola, actually think Steven Daldry deserved a best director nomination over Spielberg and Peter Jackson. If you believe in conspiracies, however,  those omissions just about assured Scorsese's first Oscar. Marshall did a great job, but are you going to turn down Scorcese for a freakin' musical? Daldry is no factor, and the other two, although deserved, are largely honorary nominations with no realistic chance to win.

Which ones were really the best movies of 2002?

Here's how IMDB voters see the Top 10

1	Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002).	8.8
2	Pianist, The (2002).	8.7
3	Hable con ella (2002).	8.3
4	Chicago (2002)	8.1
5	Minority Report (2002)	8.0
5	About Schmidt (2002)	8.0
5	Far from Heaven (2002)	8.0
5	Road to Perdition (2002)	8.0
9	Punch-Drunk Love (2002)	7.9
9	Adaptation. (2002)	7.9

Y Tu Mama Tambien also scores 8.0, but is listed as a 2001 film.

Here's how critics see the top 10 (Rotten Tomatoes)

The preceding two lists exclude documentaries and animated films. Spirited Away and Bowling for Columbine did well on both.

Combining both lists, there would be six Oscar nominees (Minority Report and Far From Heaven are exactly tied on both scales!)

• Lord of the Rings (1,1)

• Minority Report (5,6)

• Talk to Her (3,6)

• Far From Heaven (5,6)

• Y tu Mama Tambien (5,4)

• The Pianist (2,3)

Note that the Oscars did manage to get the top two films nominated, but the Top Six in yellow does not include Chicago, The Hours, or Gangs of New York, all nominated for Oscars. (Although maybe it should include Chicago)

I guess you've probably noticed the following. (1) neither critics nor the public rate Gangs of New York or The Hours in the Top 10. The industry is poised to give Scorsese an Oscar for a mediocre movie. (2) both critics and the public placed Minority Report in the Top 6, and critics also placed Catch Me If You Can in the Top 5, but no nomination at all for Spielberg (3) Y Tu Mama Tambien placed in the Top 5 on both lists (4) Talk to Her, Adaptation, and Far From Heaven placed in the Top 10 on both lists  (4) if Lord of the Rings was the best movie of the year by every single measurement, why not give it the goddamned Oscar, for heaven's sake?

According to Metacritic, the best-reviewed film of the year was not LOTR, but Far From Heaven, which isn't even nominated for Best Picture. Metacritic's conclusion was based on a summary of critics' year-end Top 10 lists. Far From Heaven made the most Top 10 lists and was also Number One on the most lists, so maybe the wrong Julianne Moore movie was nominated as Best Picture. The Hours was not picked as the Number One film by anyone, and did not make that many Top 10 lists.

As for the guy we cite most often, here is James Berardinelli's final Top 10. If you look at his Top 5, they coincide quite well with the choices shown above in yellow. (Regarding the other two: he did not like Y Tu Mama Tambien. He liked Far From Heaven very much, but it just missed his Top 10.) He liked Secretary and Kissing Jessica Stein more than most critics, but those were pretty damned good movies, if a bit off the beaten path for the Academy to consider. Links lead to Metacritic's summary

1. Minority Report
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
3. The Pianist
4. Secretary
5. Talk To Her
6. Eight Women
7. Kissing Jessica Stein
8. Rabbit-Proof Fence
9. Read My Lips
10. Spirited Away

Other crap

• Fox has bounced an "American Idol" contestant because the woman once posed nude for an Internet porn site. I do NOT want to see these pictures. But if you find them, I'll look.
• Details of the incident where George Clooney went ballistic in Berlin. Onlookers suggest he was drunk.
• Pat Reeder says, "God, I love the Sun.  They actually illustrated an anti-French editorial not only with a real photo of Hitler posing by the Eiffel Tower, but with a created photo, showing us what Saddam Hussein would look like posing by the Eiffel Tower.  Now, THAT'S editorializin'!
• Iran outlaws love and affection. It's about damned time!
• Figure skating is fun!
• Kate Winslet, actress of her generation, farting for profit
• The complete archive of anti-war naked chicks
• some guy's worst 50 movies list

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

The breakdown:
Links 2,3,5 and 6 are close up head shots, the first 3 with some kind of food covering her face including cooking oil, a sardine and honey.
Link #4...my favorite of the batch.
Links 1 and 7, cleavage

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret. Guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure, seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration.

Another secret--guys feel left out. That's right, left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blow Job Day". Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just a steak and a blow job. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentines Day and Steak and Blow Job Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

MICHAEL JACKSON REVISIONISM ROUNDUP
Tatum Didn't Date 'Im - Chalk up another lie for Michael Jackson: Tatum O'Neal told "Access Hollywood" that his story about her being his first girlfriend and trying to seduce him was "inaccurate." He claimed she tried to undress him and talked explicitly about sex, but he was so shy, he flipped out and rejected her. Tatum said she was not that sexually mature at age 12, that she only remembers Michael coming over when her dad was home, and that Michael "has a very vivid imagination."