Friday

Contact junior by writing junior@scoopy.com. Contact Scoopy by writing unclescoopy@msn.com. Contact Tuna by writing tuna@scoopy.com Send submissions to scoopy@scoopy.net

To see and use all the Funhouse features, you need Netscape 6.+ or MSIE 5.+.

• Netscape 6..2.1 is available free for download or on CD.
• MSIE 6.0 is available free.

Intersection (1994) was trashed pretty thoroughly, and rightly so, by Scoopy last week. He mentioned that it was a weepy dying man film, and that the only good thing about it was the cinematography, and the brief breast exposure by Sharon Stone and Lolita Davidovich. I would like to pick on some other aspects. First, there is nobody to like in this feature length cliche. Richard Gere plays a man with no balls, and very little personality (probably well cast at that), Stone plays an ice princess with no heart and no libido as Gere's wife and business partner, and Davidovich plays a ditzy woman who seems drunk even those rare times she is sober, and who doesn't mind luring Gere away from his wife and daughter one little bit. Second, the ending is totally revealed in the first scene. Gere is driving down a slick road at 80 MPH, and looks up to see an SUV stalled and blocking his lane. He elects to swerve around it, only to see a big rig blocking his path. So he locks his breaks on the wet road, still at 80 MPH, and goes into un uncontrollable spin. Then, his life flashes before his eyes.

So, either he dies in the end, or the ending is pure fantasy. The entire film is a flashback. Turns out, he is an old hand at flashbacks, and much of the flashback is told in flashbacks. It is almost like they kept writing and filming scenes until they used up their film stock. Then, the final insult to my sensibilities came near the end, when one of the witnesses is being questioned. They show the crash for the 100th time in slow motion, then the witness says, "It all happened in a second," at which point they show it to us at normal speed.Stone received a Razzie for her effort, and the rest of the cast and crew were cheated. D.

THE OLYMPICS:

Current medal count for our honorary Nation of Scoopy, otherwise known as Estonia: one gold, one bronze. This puts them one lifetime gold medal ahead of the Dastardly team, although the Dastardly's have an unchallengeable record of 200 consecutive Bronze. Some of the American reporters now can correctly identify which continent Estonia is on. (When polled, most Americans think it is in Africa)

Matt Drudge, of all people, had the best line on the Olympic controversy. He referred to the French, Ukranian, and Russian judges as the "Axel of Evil".

Our friend Pat Reeder, jokewriter to the stars, remarked that the Olympics really do foster international understanding - like the understanding between the French and Russian judges.

One reader gave me another idea to liven up the Winter Olympics with much-needed violence - bob-jumping. Here's my vision. The bobsledders go down their run as usual, but at the end of the regular run, still moving at tremendous speed,  they shoot off the edge of a cliff toward the finish line at the bottom of a deep chasm. They may even choose to use a parachute if they are interested, but that is optional, and would obviously slow them down in a timed event. Since the most daring teams would release the parachute as late as possible, or not at all, most medals would be awarded posthumously.

UPDATES:

New encyclopedia volumes: Jennifer Connelly, Naomi Campbell, Manuela Arcuri, Nadja Auermann, Jane Adams

Updated volumes: Kate Winslet

Honte's site is updated

MOVIES:

The following are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Here's the breakdown:

Jutta Speidel and Lisa Wolf

Hey, wanna see Cate Blanchett get bald?! Here's your chance...

Cate Blanchett says she loves being bald
Ananova.com

Cate Blanchett says she loves her new bald-headed look and would never wear a cap to cover it up.

The 32-year-old Australian actress had her head shaved to star in German film Heaven.

The film was shown at the Berlin Film Festival, and will be released in the US and UK later this year.

Blanchett, who plays Galadriel, Queen of the Elves, in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, told German magazine Stern: "My agent advised me to wear a cap but I don't care. It feels great when the wind blows over your bald head."

Cate says she has shaved her head before.

She said: "As a teenager I wanted to shock my mother and cut off all my hair."

Cate shot five films in a row last year before giving birth to her baby boy, Dashiell John, in London last December.

She added: "I've always had a full life but now it is even fuller."

Build your own celebrity!...

Plastic Surgeon Poll Shows Hottest Hollywood Looks
By Steve Gorman

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Who has Heather Graham's eyes, Heather Locklear's nose, Halle Berry's cheeks, Denise Richards' lips and Britney Spears' body? Nobody, but a lot of women wish they did.

According to the latest survey by a pair of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons, those are Hollywood's hottest looks and the features most sought after by women seeking to surgically enhance their own appearance.

The findings come from consultations with about 1,500 female patients during the past year, Dr. Richard Fleming, co-director of the Beverly Hills Institute of Aesthetic & Reconstructive Surgery, said on Wednesday.

The popularity of particular physical attributes reveals as much about what women want to see in the mirror as it does about which stars are getting the most attention in Hollywood, he said.

"Our patients' beauty ideals appear to have been based on which particular actors are considered the latest and the greatest," said Fleming, who conducts the annual survey with his partner, Dr. Toby Mayer.

"They don't talk about Grace Kelly, perhaps one of the most beautiful women of all time, because they don't think I'll remember her. They forget how old I am."

Indeed, the best-of beauty list reads like a marquee of the most glamorous women in contemporary show business. And there is considerable overlap with last year's list.

Pop princess Britney Spears ranks No. 1 among female celebrity bodies most in demand -- perhaps a bit pie-in-the-sky for many of Fleming's customers -- followed by singer-actress Jennifer Lopez and Angelina Jolie, who also had last year's third best bod.

One-time Bond girl Denise Richards took the prize for most enchanting lips, followed by Oscar-winning gender bender Hilary Swank and the bedeviling Elizabeth Hurley, who was last year's runner-up for best body.

Heather "Felicity Shagwell" Graham boasted the most desirable eyes, with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Penelope Cruz placing second and third. Last year's choice for best peepers, Winona Ryder failed to make the cut this year.

NOSES AND CHEEKS

Last year's No. 1 nose, Oscar-nominated "Moulin Rouge" star Nicole Kidman, ranks second this year behind "Spin City's" Heather Locklear, with fellow Academy Award contender Marisa Tomei, at No. 3. Zeta-Jones ranked third in the schnoz department last year.

Two forty-something TV actresses -- "Once and Again" star Sela Ward and "Sex and the City" vixen Kim Cattrall -- trail just behind newly minted Oscar nominee Halle Berry of "Monster's Ball" for most coveted cheeks (facial, that is). Lopez was voted last year's cheeky champion.

Male patients also had their idols of good looks, with Hollywood hunk Brad Pitt leading the pack for best eyes, Oscar-winning "Traffic" star Benicio Del Toro named No. 1 for best lips and Johnny Depp for best jaw.

Russell Crowe may have been nominated as best actor for his role in "A Beautiful Mind," but Fleming's male patients most admire him for his chin. And the newly buff Will Smith's Oscar-nominated turn as boxing great Muhammad Ali did not go unnoticed -- he tops the list for most desirable male body.

Fleming readily acknowledges that plastic surgeons are hardly miracle workers. "There is a limit. We have to deal with what we're presented. If Roseanne Barr comes in and wants to look like Britney Spears, I don't care, it's just not possible."

And of course surgical remedies don't come cheap.

The price tag for Graham's eyes, Locklear's nose, Richards' Lips, Berry's cheeks and Spears' body would run roughly $35,000 to $40,000. But for some in the swank, money's-no-object world of Beverly Hills, that might be a bargain.

Scoop notes: Joe Don Baker's jaw, Pete Postlethwaite's complexion, and Abe Vigoda's body can be had much cheaper.

MAN SHOOTS GIRLFRIEND FOR SAYING "NEW JERSEY"

Slowly, I Turned... - Wednesday, a jury in Galveston, Texas, convicted Thomas Mitchell, 54, of aggravated assault for shooting his girlfriend because he thought she was about to say "New Jersey." Mitchell's attorney said he has a mental condition that makes him go into an uncontrollable rage when he hears certain words, including "New Jersey," "Wisconsin," "Mars" and "Snickers." During the trial, Mitchell often covered his ears, and witnesses wrote the words on flash cards so he wouldn't hear them. The jury agreed with prosecutors that Mitchell is troubled, but not crazy.