"After I got married I was one of those people who let themselves go a little bit."

Britney Spears

The Last Tattoo (1994)

Watching The Last Tattoo is one of the most disappointing and frustrating movie-going experiences I have had in the past year.

When the legendary Howard Hawks was directing The Big Sleep, he became very confused about several points in the labyrinthine plot. He figured out most of the important points to his own satisfaction, but was totally stumped about the identity of the person who killed the family chauffeur, Owen Taylor. His screenwriter, the even more legendary William Faulkner, was certainly no stranger to anfractuosity, but could make no more sense of it than Hawks could. The frustrated director finally got desperate enough to wire Raymond Chandler, the author of the novel upon which the film was based. Chandler thought about it, consulted his notes, thought about it some more, and cabled Hawks back to say he had no goddamned idea.

Well, the Last Tattoo is so complicated it makes The Big Sleep seem like an Adam Sandler movie.

Not that it's a bad movie. It's pretty good in some ways, and I think the explanations all make sense to me in a hazy way, but there are so many characters and relationships that keeping track of them requires one of those flow charts that college debaters use. That fact alone was not what bothered me. The real structural problem with the film is that it builds and builds for 100 minutes, spinning its complex web, and then the whole plot is suddenly explained in a long monologue delivered by a character who seems to have figured it all out. Two problems. First problem: I didn't really keep a flow chart, so she explained it too fast for me to keep up with all of it. It was just a flurry of names, mostly minor characters. I'd be thinking, "Now who was that again?", but by the time I figured it out, if ever, she was two plot points down the road.  Second problem: I still didn't "get it" all when the film ended. The hero, who was framed for a crime he did not commit, was set free to go back to the war, but various bad guys remained unpunished, I wasn't sure whether one main character was innocent, and at least one guy was dead for reasons totally unclear to me, at the hands of a character unfamiliar to me.

And I still don't know who killed family chauffeur Owen Taylor.

I was watching The Last Tattoo with Elya, and we both shouted at the TV, "That's it? That's the ending? Maybe there's more." Nope. The credits were rollin'. The sad thing about that is we both kind of liked it while it was developing, and we stopped a film a couple of points to discuss points of interest. It has two very strong positives:

• The background is fascinating. There's the tension between New Zealand and the USA in the Pacific theater. There's the tension between the various American officers - some warriors, some merely political animals. There is a lot of unfamiliar and interesting material there, and the film was actually lensed in New Zealand.
• The noir premise is original. An American soldier is killed in New Zealand. He is about to be married to a Kiwi prostitute with a rare strain of venereal disease. The American military investigates the murder. The Kiwi health authorities investigate the V.D. Their lines of authority cross and conflict, but the investigators finally co-operate, and  ... well, one of them is a man, and the other a woman, and ...

One last point. Do you remember those reading interpretation questions on the SATs where the item begins with a literary citation and then quizzes the student with something like, "The best name for this paragraph would be ..."? Here's a hint. If somebody ever recites you the plot of this movie and then asks you the best name for it, the right answer is NOT going to be The Last Tattoo. That title has some connection to the plot, so it will be one of the weak choices put in there to distract you.

Kerry Fox

Katie Wolf

Blood and Wine (1996)

Director Bob Rafelson has collaborated six times with the ultimate icon of American film, Jack Nicholson. Nicholson has been his star five times, and the two men co-wrote a film in which Nicholson did not act.

1. (7.38) - Five Easy Pieces (1970)
2. (6.39) - The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981)
3. (6.28) - Head (1968) (Nicholson as co-author. It stars The Monkees!)
4. (6.26) - The King of Marvin Gardens (1972)
5. (6.09) - Blood and Wine (1996)
6. (4.50) - Man Trouble (1992)

Their collaborations have generally been interesting and/or memorable, but the last great one was in 1981, and the PG-13 comedy Man Trouble is reportedly a completely forgettable film (I haven't seen it), so Blood and Wine is a "comeback" of sorts for the former A-list duo. Unlike their two famous 70's collaborations, Blood and Wine has very little in mind beyond the slick execution of a basic noir formula. It is closest in content and tone to their 1981 remake of The Postman Always Rings Twice.

Nicholson runs a wine store and has apparently run into a financial dead end, having overextended himself by impressing toney clients and maintaining young mistresses. His vices have not been very good for his marriage, and the situation is exacerbated by the fact that his wife is the actual owner of the wine business which furnishes his fancy lifestyle, and which he is steadily draining of value. His wife becomes a heavy substance abuser. His stepson can see what is going on, and generally despises Big Jack. Desperate for a score, The ol' Joker turns to an old and unhealthy two-bit safecracker for assistance in robbing the home of a rich family whose nanny is Nicholson's latest girlfriend, a sexy Cubana one third his age. Obtaining the priceless necklace in the safe is easy enough for the old codgers, but getting away with it proves difficult.

Nicholson pays a heavy price for the messy life he has led. His troubles begin when his estranged wife leaves him. Although she knows nothing of the necklace caper and her flight is unrelated to the crime he has committed, the suitcase she takes just happens to be the very place where he has hidden the precious necklace. He and his sleazy crony must therefore track down Nicholson's wife and son. Meanwhile, the sexy Cubana finds out that she has been used to rob her employers, and that she's likely to take the rap. She also seems to be in love with both Nicholson and his stepson, which makes matters even messier. Those five characters parry and thrust their way through various crosses and double-crosses and half-baked plans until ...

Well, you have the idea.

I'm sure you can see that this script could have resulted in a direct-to-vid erotic thriller starring Richard Grieco, but it is elevated to a higher level, if not quite a classic one, by the Rafelson-Nicholson pairing. They managed to surround Nicholson with an excellent supporting cast. His partner in crime is played by Michael Caine. I was going to write, simply, "Michael Caine is in this movie" until I realized that that phrase is as unnecessary as "The Sun rose in the East this morning." Michael Caine is in every movie. It's a given. But he's almost always good. Nicholson's wife is played by Judy Davis, and the role of his Cubana girlfriend is played by Jennifer Lopez, the then-unknown actress who would soon transmogrify into a walking entourage through her work as a singer, an actress, and an all-around media ho. In this film, before the days when she was surrounded by sycophants, Lopez demonstrates her pre-glam natural beauty, as well as the soulfulness that eventually led her to become a one-woman media conglomerate.

The film is not a genre classic, but it's too interesting to be forgotten, and it's an excellent illustration of how a top-notch team of professionals can breathe some life into tired B-movie characters and familiar plot twists. If the idea interests you, Fox did an excellent job on the DVD. It is loaded with featurettes and deleted scenes, and includes two commentary tracks which are, in the main, done by film legends! All that and a look at J-Lo's bum when she was 26 years old. Not so bad at all for ten bucks.

Here's an .mpg link for the dancing sequence. (RapidShare - enormous file 60 meg.) Play it with PowerDVD if you have it. It should expand to 960x540

J-Lo and the world's most famous behind:

 

Other Crap:

VIDEO: Jimi Hendrix sings All Along the Watchtower

• This is widely considered the best, or at least one of the best ten, "cover" songs of all time, along with a few of Joe Cocker's best and, of course, The Dan Band's version of Total Eclipse of the Heart.

 

Sarah Polley to direct her first feature film, Egoyan to produce
 

 

A very naughty X-rated clip from The Ketchup Effect (Hang on. It has a surprise ending.)

 

Angry Bond Fans Publish Protest Website, Call for Worldwide Boycott of Casino Royale
 

 

The first six minutes of Running Scared, uncut
 

 

Four new clips from, and two featurettes about, Running Scared - (opens Friday).

• Paul Walker ("The Fast and the Furious") stars in the fast-paced crime drama "Running Scared" from critically acclaimed director Wayne Kramer ("The Cooler"). Walker plays a low-level mobster who, in order to save his family, must recover a gun used in a mob hit before it's found by his bosses or the cops.

 

"U.S. OUTSOURCES HOMELAND SECURITY TO NORTH KOREA ... Little-known Korean Firm ‘Seems Okay,’ Says Chertoff"
 

 

The hi-def trailer for Bandidas (Hayek and Cruz as Cowgirl/Thieves)

 

George Bush: Strategic Thinker!

 

King Kong in 30 seconds with bunnies.

 

Bill Maher's first opening monologue of the season.

 

Mad TV - Oprah giving away money

 

"Spielberg confirms Indiana Jones 4 to follow Munich"
 

 

The Weekend Warrior - box office analysis and predictions for the weekend of Feb 24-26
 

 

Brad and Jen conclude divorce settlement

• Aniston got the house. That alone is said to be worth $29 million dollars. What's the mortgage payment on that baby? That's like a quarter of a million dollars per month, right? As Spicoli would say, "righteous bucks!"

 

"Charlize Theron has been named Woman of the Year at this year's Elle Style Awards."

 

"the hottest gym in the known Universe"

 

Porn Star to speak at Yale

• "Oh, I just love your cute little locks!"

 

Playboy is looking for the Girls of My Space

 

Note from Cheerleader Guy... The Carolina Panthers Top Cats have announced that an audition will be held on March 4th. There are rather well-known vacancies. No word if requirements include any oral skills, or the ability to balance on a public toilet with another cheerleader in the stall.
 

 

Democrats Leading Republicans Among Registered Voters in House Race

• "If the congressional elections were held today, 50% of registered voters would support the Democratic candidate in their district, while 43% would vote for the Republican"
• Last August, however, Democrats led by 12 points, 53% to 41%.

 

A legend passes. Sportscaster Curt Gowdy dies

• Gowdy had been on TV since it was invented. He had one of the world's most recognizable voices, and was THE voice of my childhood.

 

"A UNIVERSITY graduate student abandoned the institution in frustration after a marking fiasco during which a lecturer told him to produce 'more smarter writing'"

 

Steven Seagal and Carrot Top - together at last

 

TIME: The Top 25 Olympic Moments

 

"Yahoo! is banning the use of allah in email names - even if the letters are included within another name."

• As an example, you cannot be Dirty Harry Callahan

 

Attempting to Calm Islamic Anger, New York Times Reprints Dung-Covered Virgin Mary

• "to steer global dialogue back to the evils of Christianity."

 

Unlikely headline of the day: Ving Rhames to Star in Aquaman

• Cuz ya ain't got a thing if ya ain't got that Ving
• I take it by "star" they do NOT mean he will actually be playing the part of Aquaman, though that would certainly be some daring casting!

 

"Mischa Barton has slammed Paris Hilton as a 'silly bitch'"

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

Brace yourself for yet another Paris Hilton sex tape.  Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz claims that in 2003, she and Paris were partying in Las Vegas when they checked into a luxury suite, and "Paris had only one thing on her mind: sex."  Lenz said soon "we were naked and rolling around together" on the king-size bed, and "Paris had brought all manner of  sex toys - to make sure we didn't miss out on anything simply because there was no man in bed with us!"  She added, "We just pleasured each other for hours,
recording it all."

*  Using the one sex toy Paris Hilton is never without: a video camera.

*  I wonder if we'll ever see a really shocking tape, where Paris opens her
toy bag and takes out a Scrabble game.

*  There was so much screaming, the team from "CSI" showed up.

*  I thought that what happened in Vegas STAYED in Vegas...Can't we hold them to that?