A Zed & Two Noughts (1985) is a Peter Greenaway film. His education was in fine arts, so it isn't a huge surprise that his films are far more about imagery than plot. Hence, I won't be giving away too much by giving the whole plot to this one. As the film begins, a car collides with a rare swan in front of the Zoo, and two women in the back seat are killed, while the driver loses a leg. The two dead women are wives of two brothers who are zoologists. They become obsessed with the death, and begin studying BBC tapes on evolution, and make their own time lapse films of increasingly more complex life forms decaying. They hope by understanding the decay process, they can come to grips with the death.

They begin a relationship with the driver of the car, and end up her lovers. It comes out that they were Siamese twins, and had not been that close after they were separated, but the experience, and the sexual relationship with the woman bring them ever closer together. The woman's doctor, who is more than a little strange, and is really a Vetinary surgeon, decides to take off her other leg as well. The zoo keepers are involved with shady dealings that include killing animals. A woman named Venus De Milo is a frequenter of the Zoo, has a thing for zebras, is a seamstress, and wants to be a published writer. She also believes she can help the two brothers by telling them stories.

As the brothers become closer, they want to be joined again. The surgeon refuses, so they have Venus De Milo sew them a double suit. The driver of the car becomes pregnant, and has twins. The plot leads inevitably to the point where the two brothers film their own death with time lapse to complete their decay experiment. SO what does this plot mean? Not much. The film is really about symmetry, duality, and death. We have a woman who loses both her legs, and we have a woman named after Venus De Milo, the armless woman to balance her out. We have twin brothers. The film begins with the death of the two wives, and ends with the death of the two brothers. Nearly every scene with the driver of the car is shot with near perfect symmetry.

You can expect two things from a Greenaway film, beautiful imagery and naked women. In this case, Frances Barber, as Venus De Milo, shows everything in a lengthy scene, and Guusje van Tilborgh shows her bush twice in short scenes. IMDB readers have this at 7.1 of 10. Many consider it one of Greenaway's best. I enjoyed the symmetry, and admit that it kept me watching, partly trying to make sense out of the plot. My impression is more good than bad, but I like his Pillow Book much more. Greenaway is a genre unto himself. If you don't like his work, this one probably won't win you over, so the correct score is C+.

Updates:

• Updated volumes for: Gina Gershon, Jo Guest, Valeria Golino, Melanie Griffith, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Paz Vega, Daryl Hannah, Elizabeth Hurley
• New volumes for: Susie Porter, Rosie Perez, Tatjana Patitz, Vanessa Paradis

Other crap:

• the home page of Penn & Teller's "Bullshit"
• Angelina Jolie's Billy Bob tattoo is MIA. (Jolie is lookin' mighty sleek - she's been workin' out)
• the citizen's committee to cover up Kylie Minogue's butt, a cause which I oppose strongly. Where are those protest marchers when I need them?
• the competition to design a California State Quarter
• the latest expose from The Fake Dick
• Did you know North Korea has an official web site?

What're the odds?

"The Final Victim" aka "Sacred Duty" is the latest Czechploitation straight-to-video by the director/writer team of Lloyd Simandl and Chris Hyde. This is Nikita with tits starring Rena Mero (former WWF female wrestler who posed for hefmag) as a special FBI agent investigating a murder at a Czech girls school run by Funhouse favorite Kira Reed. The movie has been released in the UK under the title "Girl Camp 2003: Chained Rage".

NUDITY REPORT: Rena Mero shows full dorsal nudity. Kira Reed keeps her clothes despite having tons of lesbian sex. The bulk of the nudity is provided by the supporting Czech actresses, many full frontal.

Rena Mero:
• cleavage, upskirt
• bare butt and partial breast exposure in shower

  Kira Reed:

• checking out the merchandise
• lesbian love scene with unidentified actress
• now with Alena Sibil making it a threesome
• now with Eva AIchmajerova making it a foursome

  Various:

• bathing scene
• strip search in classroom
• hot lesbo lovin' in shower
• white slave auction
• this is the foreman from Chained Rage: Slave to Love

• Eva Aichmajerova: full frontal at white slave auction
• Vladimira Kopal: nude in bathtub, full frontal at white slave auction
• Marketa Rosak (aka Marketa Rosakova): topless while tied up, upskirt
• Andrea Fryk: topless while tied up
• Alena Sibil: full frontal getting felt up by Kira Reed
• Marcela Hoda: full frontal preparing for lesbian threesome with two slaves

"Deadly Engagement" is another Simandl/Hyde straight-to-video action. Stars Olivier Gruner and czech actress Daniela Krhut as the husband and wife team trying to stop a irish-czech warlord from selling a nuclear bomb to arab terrorists. The warlord is also doing some white slavery on the side. Katerina Kornova (aka Katerina Korn) from Dark Confessions plays the head lesbian.

NUDITY REPORT: Daniela Krhut shows braless pokies throughout and then full frontal in the shower. Other nudity by the supporting czech actresses. Katerina Kornova shows no nudity and has no lesbian love scenes.

Daniela Krhut:
• pokies and partial breast exposure getting manhandled
• full frontal getting out of shower
• further toplessness getting dressed

  Various:

• wife of arab checking out the merchandise
• upskirt of topless slave in jail
• slaves getting ready for white slave auction
• that foreman again from Chained Rage: Slave to Love having some hot lesbo lovin'
• more lesbo' lovin

BONUS:
The two videos are only available from Europe in PAL format and the DVD is restricted to Region 2. Available from BENSONSWORLD.CO.UK or BLACKSTAR.CO.UK

Vladimira Kopal (aka Vladka Kopal, Vladka Kopala) has shown all her goodies in at least other previous Simandl movies.
• Chained Heat 3: Hell Mountain (1998)
• Dark Confessions (1998)
• Forbidden Rage: White Slave Secrets (2002)

It's a "Babe in Bondage Day for the "Hankster"

For this one we took the time machine all the way back to 1972 and a women in prison flick called "Black Mama, White Mama".

The "Babe in Bondage" is Alona Alegre and this poor girl has her tits tortured by electrical shocks and threatened by a knife.

B-movie veteran Pam Grier was in this one, but we will get to her another day.

• Alona Alegre (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

Scoops,

Here are the remaining 'caps from "Death Ride to Osaka".

• Jenny Dubasso (1, 2)
• Jennifer Jason Leigh (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Sheryl Crow, the recent Grammy winner showing some cleavage. (1, 2, 3)

• Pink, who might want to change her name to "Chunk" since she sure has bulked up a bit in the past year. Here she is showing a little nipple in a semi-see-thru dress. (1, 2)

• Kimberly Williams, the "Father of the Bride" star wearing a see-thru dress with some very nice nipplage. Why was she at the Grammys? She's engaged to country music singer Brad Paisley (the dorky dude she's with in this pic)

• Julie Michaels, very nice topless stripping scene.
• Kelly Lynch, breasts and bum.
• Assorted Topless Babes

PAY WHAT YOU THINK THE MOVIE'S WORTH
The Nickelodeon - A movie theater in Friedburg, Germany, is trying a new approach to attract audiences to unpopular movies. Every two weeks, they hold a "Sneak Preview" night, the audience watches the movie first, and afterward, they pay what they think it was worth. The manager said he thought it would be a good way to bring in customers for films "that otherwise, no one would go and see," such as Gwyneth Paltrow's karaoke singer movie, "Duets." He said most patrons are very fair, and one even enjoyed a movie so much, he paid $15, which is more than the regular ticket price.