La Belle Noiseuse (1991), which means roughly "a girl who drives men to distraction," could be best called a still life. The detailed plot is as follows. Artist paints nude then hides painting. As for pace, the film is roughly 4 hours long, which leaves about 40 minutes for each word of the detailed plot description. So what do they do for four hours? Well, we watch disembodied hands scribble on sketch paper and canvas, and ogle Emmanuelle Béart completely naked as the nude model. Ok, I will admit that half of that formula is entertaining.

According to the major critics (like Ebert who awarded 4 stars), this is a masterpiece. It shows the process of art, and the nature of the relationship of an artist and a good model . You might even extrapolate the theme to be about how close people become when part of a creative team. Ok, so they showed me enough nudity to keep me awake for the entire four hours, but they didn't show me the finished painting. The reason the artist chose to brick it up in a wall after finishing it is probably something that every French child learns at their mother's knee, but I missed that point in my education.

It is beautifully photographed, and did I mention that Emmanuelle Béart is completely naked in all sorts of poses for the majority of the film? I can say for certainty that I will not be watching it again. However, it does have a large following. At Fisherman's wharf, in San Francisco, among the buskers and card table jewelry shops, are portrait artists. There is always a crowd watching them paint. I don't understand the attraction there, which is probably why I failed to see the attraction in this film. I will give it a C.

JANET REDUX:

• The German tabloid BILD claims to have photos of Janet Jackson sunbathing nude (story and pictures).
• Another look at Janet Jackson sunbathing

OTHER CRAP:

• Weekly World News says: postal workers are caught in a time-warp.
• A very entertaining review of Gibson's Passion. The reviewer points out that the film is context-free, so if you're not religious, it's just a movie about some Roman dudes beating up a hippie. He points out: "If you want to see a naked guy get whipped, flogged and nailed, and you live in a community with limited access to gay leather magazines, then this is really the movie for you. "
• Disney pulls the chairman title from Eisner. The embattled Eisner retains his CEO job.
• Gary Oldman also joins the Batman cast.
• Now THIS is a worthwhile use of Shockwave
• Another exciting day living on the edge in Norway. The heavy-point headline today: Norwegian fined for throwing a snowball at the US embassy. And the incident didn't even happen today - only the court decision!
• "Masturbating" lingerie advertisement banned: "A magazine advertisement for lingerie that showed a scantily clad model apparently masturbating was banned by the Advertising Standards Authority for being offensive. The ad is for model Elle Macpherson's range of lingerie."
• You've seen The Fast and the Furious, now see The Slow and the Cautious
• Jacko in rehab: "Michael Jackson is holed up in an Aspen hideaway and being treated for 'a longtime addiction to alcohol and painkillers' by a controversial Central American herbalist, "
• STUFF MAGAZINE presents Cynthia LaMontagne - she plays the fat girlfriend on That ’70s Show, but she's anything but fat.
• How to say "Don't Take any Wooden Nickels" in other languages.
• How to hypnotize a man
• Cool! The Movie Alphabet Game #1
• Humans are always looking for answers. We look for help to deal with our own crises through the words and actions of memorable thinkers like Christ, Confucius, Aristotle, and Mary Lou Retten. This particular website looks to the greatest source of wisdom in the history of human thought, always asking, "What would Uncle Jesse do?"
• Will the uncanny financial earthquake of Gibson's 'The Passion' cause a tidal wave of religious copycat movies? I think they are going too far. I was a little upset to hear that the Hawaii 5-0 movie will feature The Lord instead of Jack Lord.
• Michael Eisner rebuked by 43% of Disney shareholders. Old-time Disney people are split on the Eisner reign. Chip is an Eisner man, but Dale has bigger nuts.
• FOX TV will test your IQ again. I thought that "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance" was the test. I turned it off in 1.4 seconds, indicating a genius IQ.
• Forbes Magazine estimates how much Mel's Passion will earn him. The short answer is that he personally should make around $300 million from the film.
• If you are into full-figured women, the naughty diva milkshake should be your cup of ... um ... milk.
• KUCINICH VOWS TO STAY IN RACE FOR FREE FOOD. Pre-debate meals fuel his long-shot quest
• The Daily Show's Samantha Bee wants to know how an endorsement from Donny Osmond will get out the youth vote.
• The Daily Show: great moments in punditry
• The Daily Show weighs in on the Oscars
• Title pretty much says it all - College Fuck Fest
• Here's an online trailer for Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself, a quirky romantic comedy.
• Judge Rules Oral Sex Can Be Defense In Manslaughter Case: Whoa. That sucks. Heather Specyalski, charged with causing a fatal 1999 car crash, is arguing that she couldn't have been driving because she was kissing the driver's kielbasa at the time.
• Volvo Reveals Car Designed by Women. It comes with a juice bar and a hotline to call someone when they need to parallel park it. First 300 purchasers also get the DVD of "Ya Ya Sisterhood"
• Calvin and Hobbes's Strip Search. Look for any subject or browse by date.
• Dazzling new X-rays of the Mona Lisa reveal that the beauty's upper lip originally sported a large, handlebar mustache!
• Dave Barry for President 2004
• The Passion of the Christ: Blooper Reel
• Lots of clips from the hit British show Father Ted
• The Discovery Channel presents extreme engineering feats
• McDonald's Menu to Go on Diet in 2005 By the end of 2004, super size will no longer be available at the nation's 13,000-plus McDonald's outlets except in certain promotions, although you will get to pay supersize prices for regular portions.
• JoBlo.com interviews director Todd Phillips about Starsky and Hutch.
• Even homeless people have a sex life. Well, in Sweden anyway.
• engadget.com is a pretty cool and useful little blog run by a guy who tries to keep up with the latest trends in all kids of electronics.
• Muerta Las Vegas! Office of the Clark County Coroner places unidentified corpses on the web
• Four free short videos from Playboy's Twins & Sisters!
• Kimberley Stanfield, free Playmate gallery courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• St. Joe's Philadelphia (27-0, 16-0 A-10 East) became the first Division 1 basketball team to finish the regular season unblemished since Nevada Las-Vegas in 1991. Unlike the deal with those Highlander dudes, there is no reason why there can be only one. Top-ranked Stanford can join the list with victories this weekend at Washington State and Washington.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

The Rainbow

• The Rainbow is a mediocre movie with some poor acting from the lead (Sammi Davis) , but it was a partially redeemed by being a lovingly photographed nudefest for Sammi and Amanda Donohoe. The .wmv is split into five separate scenes. The .avi includes all five. ( .avi version, .wmv versions (1, 2, 3, 4, 5))

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

What is the most common theme in Hollywood movies? Not necessarily the central theme in all of them but one that appears most often in Hollywood productions.

Love, you say? Or maybe lust? I don't think so. There are, after all, entire genres with no love and no lust. Westerns, kiddie movies, high-minded dramas tend to have neither. Erotic thrillers have the latter, seldom the former. Romantic comedies take the opposite tack.

What, then, is the most common theme? Revenge. Every genre has oodles of examples, some are based almost entirely on revenge. Westerns would not exist if revenge were removed from them. In fact the very best revenge movies are Westerns. High Plains Drifter is my favorite. Cop movies, comedies, kid movies... all have revenge themes. Lethal Weapon 1-16? Revenge of the Nerds? Bambi? Even some of the best dramas are held together by the theme of revenge. Casablanca, for one. Or the quintessential high-minded revenge movie of all time... Shawshank Redemption. Everyone who crossed Andy Dufresne got it in the end... big time. Some were crippled for life, others reduced to the level they despised and the warden did his own self in. Ah, revenge so sweet.

What it boils down to is that American movies and, by gradual transferance, American people see most of life as a series of confrontations between villains, victims and heroes. Things don't work out the way you wanted? Must mean there is a villain somewhere, and you are the victim and all we need is a hero. A hero will save us. And he'll get us some revenge.

The difference then between a good movie of revenge and a bad movie of revenge is just how far out of their way did the movie makers go to "motivate" the hero. Andy Dufresne is motivated by acts you could understand committed by folk who were venal, not evil. That's a good revenge movie. Same with the Man With No Name in High Plains Drifter. Townspeople were cowards, let his brother get whipped to death, so he just sorta takes care of things.

Bad revenge movies have villains who are unnaturally evil commit acts without motive or context just so the hero can get good and pissed. Oh, and the audience, too. Gotta get the audience pissed so they feel oh so good when the villains get their comeupance.

Worst revenge movie I ever started to see was I Spit On Your Grave. Couldn't finish that crud. Second worst was Johnny Firecloud (1975).

This is a Billy Jack wannabe of a native American who confronts an unnaturally evil, unremittingly racist Anglo community. What they do to motivate our hero ranges from the humiliation to the lynching of a proud old man and the out-of-the-blue rape of a young teacher. The rape is particularly jarring because the teacher is an otherwise minor part of the story for whom no lustful or violent thoughts have been implied previously. The white guys just show up and do the rape thing.

So let me repeat that this is a Billy Jack wannabe. To aim high and miss carries with it some nobility. Godfather, part 3 aimed high... the first two Godfathers... and missed. Still, it is a fine enterprise. But to aim for Billy Jack and miss????!!! Shit, that's like aiming at a rat and shooting your dog.

I capped this festering boil on the buttocks of Hollywood because the woman who called herself Sacheen Littlefeather is in it. She is, in fact, the one raped. Sacheen was given the task of accepting Marlon Brando's Oscar lo those many years ago. She dressed in Native American garb and spoke of the injustices of white men toward her people. Stupid idea for such an important issue, compounded by the fact that Sacheen Littlefeather was not her real name and she was not a Native American. We call that an O-fer.

Sacheen or whatever her real name was went on to pose for the Hefmag with her God-given equipment still in place. In Johnny Firecloud we see some after-market additions, boobs that do not obey Newton's law of motion. And somewhere, somehow there is someone who thinks that is attractive?

• Sacheen Littlefeather (1, 2, 3)

A second character played by Christina Hart, has bed Johnny in by-gone days and looks to get into his pants by taking off her top. Ms. Hart looks mighty fine with a natural frame to gaze upon long and hard.... so to speak. Ms. Hart had a long career in tv and movies and starred in one of my favorite exploitation films, entitled The Games Girls Play. Nice looking woman.

• Christina Hart (1, 2, 3)

Johnny Firecloud is what happens when a screenwriter and director who are not at the top of the game to begin with get lazy and try to copy a bad, painfully simplistic movie. Not improve upon... copy. They aimed for a rat. What they delivered was one dead dog.

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• Angelina Jolie. She looked gorgeous and showed some serious pokies. (1, 2)
• Diane Lane also looked very elegant. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Julia Roberts (1, 2)
• Maria Menounos, "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent showing off her fantastic cleavage. (1, 2, 3)
• Sandra Bullock
• Scarlett Johansson
• Susan Sarandon

Amanda Swisten
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

DICK CLARK SUED FOR AGE DISCRIMINATION
Hey, Dinosaurs Are Cool! - Game show producer Ralph Andrews, 76, is suing Dick Clark, 74, for age discrimination. He says he approached Clark for a job, and Clark wrote back a rejection letter wishing him well, but saying that the last producers he hired were aged 27 and 30, and that "people our age are considered dinosaurs."