The Flesh Merchant (1993) is a standard exploitation film, made 20 years after the heyday of the genre. Writer/director Mike Tristano believes there is still a market for this sort of low budget film. I personally hope it works as a direct to DVD. I enjoy mindless entertainment at times, and the exploitation genre gives me that. This one has plentiful nudity, a plot, violence, a little action, and even some fetish content, so it hits all the right notes.

Before opening credits, two women who are camping are kidnapped, and delivered to a white slaver operating out of a Hollywood Hotel. They prove to be most uncooperative and untrainable, but the flesh merchant (Neil Delama) needs more product anyway for some expected customers. We meet a female cop, her partner her little sister who is working as a cocktail waitress in a sleazy bar while waiting for her big break in the movies and little sisters roommate. You should be able to figure out acts two and three from there.

Yes, the story becomes predictable, but the point is the gratuitous violence and nudity. Gigi Doray and Kathleen Hoadley (don't know which is which) show breasts in the opening scene. Elizabeth Chambers and Twila Wolfe, as little sister and her roomie, show everything. Rene Creamer, Maora Collins and Carol Zarlengo as three of the happier slaves show breasts. Michelle Bauer, as one of the trainers, shows breasts. We also have buns from Nina Pedregon as she is being whipped, and breasts from Pady Basch as another slave making a porno.

IMDb shows this at 4.3. Had this been made in 1972, the obvious grade would be C-. I see no reason to hold its more recent filming date against it. If you like exploitation films, this one will not disappoint you.

Cold Around the Heart (1997):

Two words: David Caruso.

Can't really blame Caruso for the 3.8 at IMDb and the whopping domestic gross of five thousand dollars! To be honest, it would have been a poor movie even if the role had been played by Russell Crowe, Kevin Spacey, or Samuel L. Jackson.

... and the Region 2 DVD is a disaster for two major reasons:

1. Dubbed German soundtrack only. The original English version is not available.

2. Widescreen letterboxing has ruined the film's only positive - Kelly Lynch's crotch.

• Kelly Lynch as seen in the DVD (1, 2)

• What the same scene looks like in full frame, as captured by Oz and Crow (1, 2, 3)

• full review (not a very good review, to tell the truth)

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004):

C'mon, I know it's a silly title, but did you take the time to think about it? I mean, where do you expect a professional exorcist to get his training, for heaven's sake? You think they offer Exorcism 101 at Notre Dame? He has to learn on the job, and it all has to begin somewhere. In this case, it seems that a fortyish Father Merrin first encountered the demon Pazuzu in a buried African city, where the Paz-man was just hanging around waiting to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. The city had originally been built to commemorate the exact spot where Lucifer fell. This really doesn't seem to me as good a reason to build a city as a confluence of rivers or a natural harbor, unless Lucifer is going to provide a source of fresh water, and generally do a lot better job of protecting the city than he did here when he let it sink under the African sands.

Anyway, Merrin has to contend not only with Lucifer and Pazuzu, but some Nazis who were involved in the excavation for their own nefarious purposes. I'm not sure precisely what those purposes were, but world domination is always a good guess for movie Nazis.

Real ones, too, now that I think about it.

The film derives its shock from "boo" cuts and children being graphically eviscerated by wild beasts or shot point-blank by Nazis. Additional atmosphere is derived from furrowed brows and a permanent orange hue which looks like neither daylight nor darkness  It is not without positives: Stellan did a good job at bringing humanity to Father Merrin, the burnt orange look of the film looked kind of stylish and spooky, and the narrative seemed comprehensible. On the other hand, the pace dragged, and it got mighty boring in spots. I never could get involved, but this movie certainly seems better than the last two installments in the Exorcist franchise, so I don't know precisely why critics hated it as much as they did. Audiences were lukewarm, as evidenced by a decent gross and a C+ score from Yahoo visitors. That pretty much says it all. General audiences found it to be a mediocre movie rather than the bad one limned by critics.

This film had quite a history. The studio originally ponied up thirty million dollars to have the late, once-great John Frankenheimer direct it. Frankenheimer made the correct career move, namely death, and the project was inherited by Paul Shrader, who didn't see the sheer genius  in Frankenheimer's option, and opted instead for life. Shrader took the thirty million and made, according to all accounts, a movie with no horror in it at all. The studio then fired Shrader and turned the film over to Renny Harlin with yet another fifty million dollars, and it was Harlin who finally delivered the serviceable but uninspiring theatrical version.

Variety had rumored that the DVD of the Harlin film would also include the rejected Paul Shrader version, and that would have made for a very interesting package, at least for film students and industry insiders. Unfortunately, that did not turn out to be the case. The DVD does include a full-length commentary by Harlin, but I didn't check it out to see if he had any good dish to deal about the other directors. As for Shrader's version, it remains buried under the African sands with Pazuzu, probably on the very spot where George Lucas fell when cast from heaven after directing The Phantom Menace.

• Izabella Scorupco

• some possessed chick (might be anyone under that make-up)

Other Crap:

• Democrats seek White House disclosure of Jeff Gannon gay prostitution connection. White House has a good laugh over their futile efforts.
• P. Diddy is the new James Bond. OK, I know this is my running gag. I'm always announcing that the new Bond will be Ricardo Montalban or Clint Howard or Abe Vigoda or Tom Arnold or Gilbert Gottfried. But this time I'm not kidding. It's "Diddy, P. Diddy" - or something. Story doesn't make much sense to me.
• `Blair Witch' Creator Makes Web Film
• Here are lots of pictures of Anna-Nicole removing her top at the Aussie MTV Awards (Many thanks to submitter!)
• take-it-like-a-man.com - the ultimate guide to girl-on-guy strap-on sex.
  • English is so clumsy. Look at all those hyphens. I'll bet you there is one concise Japanese word for "girl-on-gay strap-on sex".
  • Of course, there is only one word for this in German as well, but it is damemitdenstraponimmaennlichenarschlochficken. And you don't even want to know the past perfect of that sumbitch.
  • And forget about Welsh. They consider that German word a contraction.
• boombags - the ultimate in hip luggage
• Watch the first five minutes of BOOGEYMAN
• Today's obligatory story about Paris Hilton or Russell Crowe: Paris Hilton is having a race driver teach her to control the car at 140 MPH so she can escape the paparazzi.
   

  

• Our favorite curmudgeon, Lewis Black, discusses New York pride.
• The Daily Show: "Brian Williams reported a story that turned out to be false... welcome to network news, baby!"
• Here's a new one for you to look at: FlushTheWeb.com - only the worst sites on the web - updated daily
• Impending Federal crackdown on freewheeling political blogging? OK, I'm jaded, and maybe there is a need for this action, but to me this sounds like a case of "We Republicans hold power. Blogs help Democrats more than us. Crackdown required."
• "This is a public relations film on Florida State University that features a young Jim Morrison, years before his more recognized role as lead singer for The Doors."
• Here's a clip from Be Cool.
• THE BAD NEWS BEARS TRAILER FOOTAGE . This looks a lot funnier than I expected. It looks like Billy Bob is taking his Bad Santa character into his role as the coach.
• The trailer for Will Ferrell's new flick, Kicking And Screaming
• Jennifer Aniston to star in a Women in Prison movie. Don't get your hopes up about shower scenes, strip searches, and hot girl-on-girl action. Her co-star is Meryl Streep.
• Squirrel Girl, world's worst super hero. This was an actual Marvel character created by the legendary Steve Ditko. She joined Iron Man in a battle against Ol' Doc Doom, and swung the balance of the fight, with the help of her squirrel friends.
• Longtime celebrity couple Katie Holmes and Chris Klein have called off their engagement and gone their separate ways.
• Danish director Lars Von Trier has cut a scene that featured a donkey being butchered for food from his latest film after protests by animal rights groups. Von Trier said he cut the scene, from the upcoming film Manderlay, not because he thought it was cruel, but was concerned it would draw attention away from the political and social content of the film. Manderlay is the second film in Von Trier's trilogy about evil in small-town America during the Depression.
  • What was he thinkin', removing that scene? Now his whole point is lost. Small-town America without the traditional donkey-butcherin' is barely recognizeable at all.
• Jurors taken on tour of Jackson's Peter Pan fantasy home.
  • "In a bid to convince the panel that the California hideaway was a pornography- and alcohol-stocked lure for impressionable children, prosecutors showed the jury a police video shot during a search of the ranch. "
  • "Jackson's enormous bed was crowned with a long mural of Leonardo Da Vinci's painting 'The Last Supper."
  • I don't know about the jury, but they convinced me! What impressionable kid wouldn't want to romp beneath The Last Supper? After reading that, even I want Jacko to fondle me.
• The design installation 'The Gates' created an economic boom for New York City, with the city getting a $254 million boost to its economy. "It was like Christmas out there," said Paul Harvey, a carriage driver who benefited from the increased traffic. "Two weeks of Christmas."
• Literotica - 100% free sex stories, adult fiction.
• Anna-Nicole drops her top at Aussie MTV awards.
  • "Anna-Nicole Smith has bared almost all at the MTV Awards in Sydney tonight - pulling her dress down to her waist to expose her 32DD-size breasts. While presenting an award, Smith pulled down her pink and silver dress, exposing her breasts - before turning around to tease audience members with a glimpse of the top of her G-string. Her nipples were covered by MTV stickers."
  • Later, at a press call in the media room, she again exposed her breasts - this time without the MTV stickers.
  • Looking for pictures. As Drudge would say, "developing ..."
• Newfound star said to be tiniest known. Oh, wait. The tiny star is not that new. It's actually Jordan Ladd.
• Brazil is having trouble with Korean pirates. Man, they should turn this into an opportunity. Pirates always need parrots. And who has more parrots to sell them than Brazil? On the other hand, the Koreans are small people, so maybe their pirates use parakeets.
• What is this story about? "They're smart, adaptive, secretive and operate under cover of darkness. Alert and wary, they've now been spotted less than 3 miles from the White House." Well, it's obviously not about Democrats.
• Another "dumb criminal" film in the making. Every producer must have Michael Rapaport on speed dial. A man was arrested Tuesday for trying to film the naked lady in the tanning room next to his. His only problems were 1) it was another man in the next room, and 2) he left the lens cap on anyway. Word.
• Jude Law sacks agent after Rock's Oscar joke. Five Latin words: post hoc ergo propter hoc
• Jennifer Lopez has penned a song about her break-up with Ben Affleck. The track features on her new album, Rebirth, released this week.
  • Well, there go my Friday plans
  • This story may sound trivial to you, but if you do your prep, you'll find it is merely a continuation of an honored tradition. All English-language romantic literature is based on breaking up with Ben Affleck. Who do you think was Shakespeare's Dark Lady?
• 24-hour deadline to register objection to Charles marriage
  • "A member of the royal family cannot re-marry after divorce, cannot have a civil marriage, cannot marry a divorcee, cannot marry in church and cannot marry abroad if he wants to become king"
  • The English royals have sure become pussies. What do you think Hank Ocho would have done if some pissant cleric had handed him those rules?
  • What the hell good is being king, anyway, if you can't have a few nitpicking clerics beheaded now and then?
• YESSSSSSSSSS! Vanity Fair picks Bernard-Henri Levy as the world's best-dressed philosopher
  • I'll bet you think I'm kidding if you've never read Vanity Fair.
  • Sartre once said that being declared the best dressed philosopher was the most important honor he had ever received, although he followed up that comment by a rueful meditation on the nature of honor itself, and concluded by saying that nothing human was truly important anyway, given the scope of a vast and empty universe.
  • Of course, Sartre also said, "Hell is other people, especially those dressed unfashionably."
  • Interestingly, the world's second best dressed philosopher is the night man at my local 7-Eleven. Nothing impresses the fashion critics like a man in uniform.
• Latterman: "Top Ten Reasons I Love Racing"
  • "All the excitement of driving like a New York City cab driver without the risk of getting shot."
• "The spiciest movies in Italian TV's history!!"
• "CHARLOTTE Church's amazing sex secrets are today sensationally laid bare for the first time by the boyfriend who knows her best."
• eBay item - Tawny Peaks breast implant autographed!
  • You are bidding on a PIECE OF HISTORY! The infamous Playboy Cover Girl TAWNY PEAKS BREAST IMPLANT.
    This is the implant from the first known documented Law Suit over ASSAULT with a BREAST."
• The five sexiest men, the five sexiest women in Hollywood. Chris Rock take note: Jude Law and Colin Farrell made the list. (Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe did not.)
• Shannyn Sossamon and Pink will co-star in Catacombs. Filmed in Romania, Catacombs is the story of a young woman who, while on a visit to Paris, is taken to an underground party in the Catacombs, a 200-mile labyrinth of 14th Century limestone tunnels under the Left Bank. She is separated from her friends and becomes convinced that someone or something is chasing her.
• Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett and Gael Garcia Bernal are in talks to star in Babel, a drama directed by Inarritu (Amores Perros, 21 Grams) from a script by Guillermo Arriaga.
• Jay Leno wants an exception to the Jacko gag order. Funny! Since Leno is a witness, "Judge Rodney S. Melville's sweeping order barring anyone involved in the case from discussing it outside court could be interpreted to limit Mr. Leno's ability to publicly speak about the trial."
• Weekly World News: BRAVE CHIHUAHUA BITES OFF GRIZZLY'S NUTS TO SAVE MISTRESS!
• Queen to rock legends: "What do you do?" On the other hand, she did know Phil Collins. Go figure.
• The latest Hilton sister fakes from "Vincent" are taken from this series of pictures. (See bottom of page)
   

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s

Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.

Who has the best bum in Hollywood?

Email Scoopy Jr. with nominees, comments or suggestions.

Today from the Ghost...part one of his most recent (and huge) tribute to Skinemax and Bunny-Video babe Ashlie Rhey.

This first batch features Rhey in mostly topless, but also baring the other 2 B's in scenes from an episode of the late night cable series "Beverly Hills Bordello".

• Thumbnails
• Thumbnails
• Thumbnails
• Ashlie Rhey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
• Ashlie Rhey zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)

Korean Actress Lee Eun-ju hanged herself in her apartment last Tuesday. She was 25. She was a great actress and very popular. People who watch Korean movies like me probably know her, she has done lots of movies like "Virgin Stripped Bare by Her Bachelors", "Bungee Jumping on Their Own", "Unborn But Forgotten" and "Au Revoir, UFO". She just had graduated from Danguk University a few days ago. Lee's family said the actress had been experiencing insomnia and showing signs of depression over racy nude scenes she did for the film "The Scarlet Letter", They believe this was the reason she killed herself.

Fans have speculated that her death might have been linked to the "entertainment X-file", an incriminating document purported to be a list of the affairs, illegitimate children and drug use of the country's leading celebrities, drawn up by an advertising agency wanting to assess their bankability.

Here are the caps I did of "The Scarlet Letter".

• Lee Eun-Ju (1, 2, 3, 4)

PARIS HILTON'S CELL PHONE SUDDENLY HOT
We'll Always Have Paris - Proving there's no such thing as bad publicity, T-Mobile reports that since Paris Hilton's Sidekick phone was hacked and her nude photos and celebrity pals' phone numbers posted on the Internet, sales of that phone have boomed.