Vampira (1998) is half of a double bill CD that claimed to be B- Movie Theater's Drive-In Double Feature. The second feature is entitled Night Vamps. I assumed 80's exploitation, probably with some exposure, but was completely fooled by the advertising, in the best exploitation tradition. Night Vamps has nothing whatever to do with vampires, and has no plot. First, a woman scrubs herself with a soapy sponge in the shower, dries off, then rubs Vaseline Intensive Care all over her body. Then, another woman models several different pairs of panties. Finally, a third woman masturbates. All of this is presented in a 4/3 obviously shot on tape, and mastered from a weak VHS copy. I will spare you all images from this, unless someone just has to see some really really bad boob jobs.

Vampira was far more interesting. In the 80's, there was a huge market for what was alternately called HARD R, SOFT X, and UNRATED. Some of these were Euro soft-cores, others were exploitation titty flicks a la Novak, but some were hard core films with the erections and penetration edited out. To do this, the hard core had to have a lot of story content. These fed the adult market in communities that wouldn't permit hard core. As censorship dwindled, the HARD R market evaporated, and, at the same time, hard core no longer had enough story content to make a HARD R from. Vampira is a HARD R version of a 1998 Spanish hard core. The hard core version, according to IMDB, is 92 minutes, and this version is more like 60, but there is enough vampire story to get through 60 minutes, the nudity and sex are erotic, and the breasts natural.

The story of Vampires that need both semen and blood to exist, and the guys out to kill them is not Gone with the Wind, but the mere fact that Spain produced at least one recent hard core with a real story is big news to me. If any of our Spanish readers have an idea where I can buy the hard core version, please let me know, as I would like to see the other 32 minutes. The characters were identified as Vampire 1, 2 and 3, so I hope I got the id's right. Eva Morales, Nuria and Sofia Mutti play the vampires, and show everything. Nuria and Morales have a girl/girl that turns into a three way.

They are still waiting for 5 votes at IMDB, and no reviews are listed. This is not a great film, and the cuts to remove the hard core scenes were jarring jump cuts, but I very much approve of porn with some attempt at a story. The transfer quality was not good, but some scenes were well lit and photographed, especially the girl/girl sequence. This is a D-, but a real anachronism, and one I am glad I saw.

Movies:

The Weight of Water (2000) and Possession (2002)

It is always difficult to manage parallel stories in the past and present. Looking back on the films which have used that device, not many of them are that memorable. The French Lieutenant's Woman received some good notices when it was released, but I can't remember much about it now. I really like Dead Again, but that one walks a fine line between being one of those films and making fun of those films. Gwyneth Paltrow's Possession was a pleasant enough diversion if one has a taste for a romantic, literary bauble now and then.

In terms of the basic plotline, The Weight of Water probably has the most in common with Possession. (Weight of Water is the earlier movie, although it passed through its theatrical release virtually unnoticed in 2000). In both films, someone from the present is investigating a mystery in the past, and that experience is causing them to reflect on their own lives. The films are not similar in tone, and they relate the parallel stories in very different ways.

Possession is a more straightforward film. Two literary scholars co-operate in the investigation of a secret and theretofore unsuspected relationship between two nineteenth century poets. Each of the modern day scholars specializes in one of the Victorian lovers, paired off by matching sexes. Gwyneth Paltrow, for example, is a specialist in the woman being investigated. She feels she knows the woman, and she identifies with her. When all of her assumptions about the poet are challenged, she begins to re-examine her analysis of the poet and of herself as well. The fact that the poet turned out to be more open to the varieties and richness of love than previously thought caused Gwyneth to open herself up in a similar way. All in all, that was quite a tidy script, and is a pleasant watch if you are literary and like romantic movies.

The Weight of Water is far less contrived than that, and more subtle, but just not as interesting. Look at the dates for The Weight of Water. Made in 2000. Took in $100,000 at the box office. Released to DVD in 2003. Those are not what the Romans would call favorable auspices. It had no market. In this film, a photographer/journalist is investigating a 19th century double murder among the mostly Norwegian immigrants on the rugged islands off the coast of New Hampshire. She and her husband use this as a combination working trip and vacation, sailing about the island locations. Her husband's brother has a boat, and the two couples make it a pleasure cruise, of sorts.

The journalist wants to understand the case fully, so she gets so far into the psychology of the characters in the past that she is dreaming about them and imagining them. She concludes that the crime was not committed by the person or for the reasons normally imagined. In the present, her marriage to a Pulitzer-winning poet is experiencing difficulties, and that situation is not made any easier by the fact that her husband is flirting with his brother's girlfriend. It is especially troubling since the girlfriend looks a lot like the gorgeous British model/actress, Elizabeth Hurley. In fact, it looks exactly like her. How do you think your wife would react if Hurley was obviously coming on to you in front of her. Liz seems to spend all of her time making eyes at the husband, sunbathing topless, and sucking suggestively on various household objects.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The connection between the past and the present is tenuous. I was watching carefully, mindful of that very link, and I saw one very good use of the past story to explain something in the present. There is a brief period in the present day story when the journalist's actions seem inexplicable unless one understands what actually happened in the past, as well as the journalist's perception of it. That moment or two rang through like a powerful bell, but the rest of the film almost seemed like two unrelated stories being cut together randomly. I guess I could live with the sudden merging of the characters' motivations from previously unsuspected connections if the two stories were supremely interesting, but they simply were not. Neither of the two separate stories, if viewed separately, would really hold my attention. How can you make a double axe murder dull? This movie had a formula: too much languorous, meaningful glancing and pregnant pausing, and no surprise in the past story at all. We are led to believe from the outset that the murderer is innocent and we are led to believe who really did it and why. The fully detailed story simply confirms what we had already inferred.

There is a surprise in the present, but I can't say it is one that will provide much of a reward to the viewer for having watched faithfully, and that story is also filled with too many exchanges of meaningful glances.

I found some things to admire about The Weight of Water, but I didn't find much to like. It's slow and arty, filled with recitations from poetry, and constantly searching for profundity. Perhaps it succeeds in that quest from time to time, but I'm not surprised that such a film was a complete failure at the box office, because this water was a little too weighty for my taste as well. And I can handle some pretty heavy fuckin' water.

• There is no nudity in Possession
• Elizabeth Hurley in The Weight of Water (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
• Sarah Polley in The Weight of Water

Updates:

Updated volumes: Naomi Watts, Liz Hurley

New volumes: Renata Dancewicz, Brandy Davis, Geena Davis, Claire Danes, Blythe Danner,  Jewel Shepard, Delia Sheppard, Cybill Shepherd, Cynthia Preston

Mailbox:

Dear Uncle,

Jill Nicolini has done much more (explicit material) than just posing for the bunnymag. She is a featured "Hunt" on the website milfhunter.com. She gives an inspiring hard-core performance as a seemingly unsuspecting mark, targeted by The Hunter for a little sport humping. In this little feature, she uses the name "Harley." Go to milfhunter.com, scroll to the bottom of the page, and you will see Harley, or Jill,  or whatever her name is today, and you can click on her sample film. Click for a wonderful peek at her....um....peaks. 

Your devoted nephew.

Wow! That's quite a scoop if it is really Jill. I have no idea whether it is, but I guess you guys can look at the sample video and make up your own minds. Let me know your thoughts, if you think you have it figured out.
 

Other crap:

• quite a picture of J-Lo
• Joe Queenan imagines Madonna's children's books in this article
• The transcripts from more than 1700 sketches of Saturday Night Live
• ah, those Germans, they really know how to throw an obscene parade
• the results so far in IMDb's poll for the worst movies and performances of 2002.
• new movie will have nude lesbian scene with Christian Ricci and Charlize Theron Ricci is interviewed about the film, says "I'm pretty fucking naked"
• web site sells restored virginity
• from my e-mail inbox "Check out this site, Gothic Babe of the Week. It's been up since 1996 (!) and features a photo archive of their "goth babes of the week" that dates back that far .... more than 300 of 'em. The names of the whitefaced, heavily mascaraed, spider-web patterned hose-wearing "babes" are pretty funny, ranging from the obvious ("Drucilla" after the Buffy The Vampire Slayer character) to the truly inspired ( "Sonnet") Be forewarned that the "babealicious" factor is seriously all over the map. I also like how some of the gals pose in graveyards or next to weeping statues etc. and other shots appear to be taken in the entranceway to some middle-class pad in, I dunno, Hamilton, Ohio or Canoga Park or something."
• man calls in a bomb scare to a ladies spa - so he can see them evacuated naked. Plan not very successful.
• the 5 best-selling books of all time. The top two are the Bible and Chairman Mao's Quotations. I wonder how many people have both?
• the colorfully named sexual practices of Dirty Sanchez, defined in detail, including Dirty's signature move, the aptly named Dirty Sanchez, and a little move Milhous likes to call the "dreaded Rear Admiral". Fair warning: it's in completely bad taste.
   

What're the odds?

Heidi von Palleske

Jill and Jacqueline Hennessy

Christina Fulton

BRITNEY'S NIPPLE-PIERCING PARTY
Christina Aguilera Has 14 - The National Enquirer tabloid claims that Britney Spears threw a nipple-piercing Valentine party for her entourage and crew, and gave them all nipple jewelry for their new piercings. But when they told her it was her turn, she laughed, "I already have one!"