Saturday

Tuna
"Loaded"

Loaded (1994) is an New Zealand movie about a bunch of students making a zero budget horror movie. They are on location at a home owned by one of their aunts, and none of them are very stable. Much is made about Catherine McCormack's character being a virgin for some reason I could never figure out. Then they finish the filming, and decide to all drop acid so as to not waste time and film. After that, it is anybody's guess what did and didn't really happen, what was hallucination, etc.

Berardinelli liked the atmosphere but had few good words for the story or the characterizations, and awarded 2 1/2 stars. IMDb readers have it at 4.6 of 10. McCormack shows breasts twice, once changing after she gets out of the pool, and the second time in bed. Biddi Hodson shows her left breast in a short but boring sex scene. I didn't like a single moment of this hard to follow snooze-fest with a lot of grainy B & W footage and pretentious faux meaningful dialogue. D+

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  • Bidee Hodson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Catherine McCormack (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

    "Suburbia"

    Suburbia (1984) is a teensploitation film about punk rockers written and directed by Penelope Spheeris, who went on to do Wayne's World. This was her first feature film, and she wrote and directed. IMDb lists it erroneously as Rebel Streets. Roger Corman, who financed half the film, was afraid that a multi-syllabic word like suburbia was beyond the target audience, and test marketed the title Rebel Streets. Base don the results, the film continued to be known as Suburbia.

    The film was shot mostly in a condemned housing tract in L. A. County using real punk rockers as cast. We have a crash pad used by the rejected teens in an area overrun by feral dogs. IN the opening scene, Jennifer Clay is hitchhiking away from home due to sexual abuse and beatings from her father. She catches a ride with a mother and young daughter, and they have a flat. While calling from a phone booth, the daughter is killed by one of the feral dogs. In the next scene, we meet the gang at a concert, where they strip the clothes off of Julie Winchester, then head back to the pad. Their sworn enemies are a vigilante groups of unemployed rednecks whom we first see shooting the dogs from a pickup truck. Jennifer Clay has a love affair with another of the kids, but ends up self-destructing, and the film ends on another tragedy.

    Clay shows breasts when the rednecks strip her to "send a message," Suzann Shott, as a stripper shows breasts, and Julie Winchester shows everything when she is stripped in the club. This is praised as a gritty but accurate look at the realities of the punk scene, including why they are there, with a real authenticity. Spheeris says much of it is autobiographical, and is very happy with the results of the film. I could do entirely without punk rock, but could appreciate how well she presented the scene. The transfer is a weak 4/3 from what was probably never a very crisp original. This is a C-, but a must see for those interested in the punk scene.

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  • Jennifer Clay (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Julie Winchester (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Suzann Schott (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    follow-up on Loaded (see above) :

    Tuna took a good dump on Loaded, but I can assure you that his comments are, in fact, quite generous.

    But I don't want to talk about that.

    I want to comment on the blatant cynicism of the marketing on the DVD box. It says that the film is from the "highly-acclaimed director Anna Campion". This is obviously meant to trick people into thinking that the film was directed by Anna's sister, Jane, who is one of the three women ever to be nominated for the best director Oscar. (Jane Campion, Lina Wertmuller, Sofia Coppola).

    Anna, on the other hand, has directed exactly one full-length movie: Loaded. And I doubt if that was too highly acclaimed, since it is a bomb of nuclear proportions, and a deadly combination of pretension and incompetence.

     

    Updates :

    • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site has been updated.

     

     

    Croupier (1998):

    There is mostly bad news about the new DVD of Croupier.

    • It is dark
    • It has no features at all
    • The transfer is mediocre
    • The widescreen version is letterboxed, not anamorphically enhanced.

    That's still a slight improvement over the previous Canadian import DVD, which had no widescreen version, and was even darker than this one.

    It's a shame that we can't get a bit more out of this, because this is a pretty cool little cult film that lifted Clive Owen (at least temporarily) into prominence as a future James Bond candidate. It's kind of a nifty little turnabout in the voiceover-and-saxophone genre in which the loner with integrity gets conned, but the whole experience just prepares him for even world-wearier sololiquies in the future. In fact this guy is so world-weary that he makes Stephen Rea look as enthusiastic as Mike the Sweater Guy from those Amazing Discoveries infomercials.

    One of Croupy's voice-overs:

    "The world breaks everyone. And afterwards, many are strong at the broken places. Those that will not break, it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave, impartially. If you are none of these things it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry."

    Expanded comments here.

     

     

    Miscellaneous .wmv file

     

    OTHER CRAP:

     

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

     

     

     

     

    MOVIE REVIEWS:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Shiloh

    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

     

    Various:

    • This would be a cute scene if they had used a few more lightbulbs, but I'm glad Shiloh rustled it up for us, dark or not. It will probably result in some nice DVD captures in a few months. Jordan Ladd in Club Dread. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • Here's Chloe Sevigny and someone named Clarisa Glucksman in the never to be forgotten screen treasure, Gummo (legitimate candidate for worst movie ever).  (.avi, .wmv)

     

    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
     
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Brainscan
    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    There is a strategy to several movies I've looked at recently. It goes like this: "If you can't try to be good, try to be funny." Put another way, if a lack of talent, the genetic absence of creativity gets in your way, pretend it's all about the yuks and maybe you can fool some folks.

    Which brings me to Slumber Party Massacre II (1987). Girls get together, guys follow, a demonic killer with a drill at the end of his electric guitar (?!) kills them. Most of them, at least. Maybe all of them.

    Every convention of splatter/horror films is obeyed in this mess. She who wrote and directed it (Deborah Brock) has apparently had not one original thought in her head...ever. Remember what Johnny Carson said about Chevy Chase? That he couldn't ad lib a fart at a baked bean dinner? Well, Ms. Brock wouldn't have thought of farting until five other people did it first. Even the attempt to disquise the terminal lack of quality with a wink and a nod wasn't new by 1987. And so the good folks down at IMDb give it a rousing 2.8/10. Think for a minute. If someone described a potential date as not even a 3, and it was the considered judgement of over 250 people, would you go out with her?

    A quick word about home repairs... it may be relevant. Ever tried to drill something that was not tacked down tightly or held in place securely? Couldn't do it, could you? Mofo kept slipping, didn't it? So what are the odds of a bozo with a drill at the end of his guitar (?!) killing people who, by all impressions, are perfectly motile creatures? Not very high. 'Less, of course, the people sit stock-still and let the driller have at it. There you have the essence of Slumber Party Massacre II.

    Three women of note in the movie. One gives up the goodies. That would be former US Olympic gymnast Juliette Cummins, in what was the signature performance of her career... getting naked in a horror movie. Well, topless at least. Rips off her top in a slumber party dance. Very nice. I really like Juliette.

    Crystal Bernard plays the main character three years before she performed in Wings. It is a wonder, an absolute miracle on a par with Henry V's victory at Agincourt that she ever worked again. Take a look at the second collage. She is rapturously holding the picture of a boy and making sick little goo-goo noises. Now, I know she didn't write the damn scene and I know she didn't direct the damn scene but she did 'act' in it and for that reason alone she should have been banned from stage and screen. Permanently. Honestly, this was a more painful thing to watch than the Luke-Leia bridge scene in Return of the Jedi. Even more painful than any part of Phantom Menace. It was just that bad.

    Crystal does not get anywhere near nekkid. Some pokies in the first collage, some cleavage in the second. It wasn't enough to make up for The Scene But then, she could have gotten down on all fours and wiggled her nekkid butt at the camera for fifteen minutes and it would not have made up for The Scene.

    Kimberly McArthur, former Hefmate who had done one nude scene after another prior to this movie, wears a real nice bikini, does the pokey-pokey, but otherwise keeps the vital parts covered. I'm figuring this was her decision. No more bare hooters. So, bit parts in two TV movies and a short stint on a soap opera later and poof she was gone. As my coach used to say, If'n you're gonna stay at the party you gotta dance with the gal what brung ya. Or, in this case, the twins what brung ya.

    I am a Juliette Cummins fan. She was cute and she got nekkid. That makes me a fan. But even then, even after she does a first-rate topless dance that I really wouldn't have wanted to miss, I could have gone my whole life without seeing Slumber Party Massacre II and I would have been happier for it.

    • Crystal Bernard (1, 2)
    • Juliette Cummins (1, 2, 3)
    • Kimberly McArthur (1, 2, 3)

    Crimson Ghost
    Today the Ghost takes a look at the Jim Wynorski western, "Hard Bounty". When Jim's name is on the box you know two things...1)low-budget 2)nekkid women. In Jim We Trust.

    Raja
    Julie Davis
    (1, 2)

    		Davis...the writer, director, producer, editor and star of "Amy's Orgasm" (2001). Here she is showing a partial breast view.

    Vanessa Ferlito
    (1, 2)

    		Toplessness and thong views in scenes from the made for cable movie, "Undefeated" (2003), written by, directed by and starring John Leguizamo. You may have also seen her on the FOX series "24", and she'll be on the big screen this summer in "Spider-Man 2".

    Kristin Proctor
    (1, 2)

    		Showing off an excellent chest in scenes from an episode of the made for cable series "The Wire".

    Callie Thorne Topless in another episode of "The Wire".

    Carla Gallo More made for cable goodies. Gallo takes her shirt off for an episode of the HBO series "Carnivàle".

    Gail Maurice
    Patricia Zentilli
    Erika Alexander
    (1, 2, 3)

    		Yup, you guessed it, 'caps from yet another made for cable series. This time we see all 3 ladies are topless in sex scenes from "Street Time".

    Variety
    Elizabeth Hurley The Shagadelic Liz sucking on an ice cube, and showing off her wonderful breasts in scenes from "The Weight of Water".

    Kira Reed The Skinemax regular shows all 3 B's (and wears a cheeleader outfit) in scenes from "Cheerleader Ninjas" (2002).

    Sadie LeBlanc
    (1, 2)

    Tracy Hutson
    (1, 2)

    		Flauti takes a look at the made for cable flick "Rated X" (2000), starring Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez (who also directed). It's a biopic about the Mitchell brothers, the porn pioneers who gave us "Behind the Green Door" (1972). LeBlanc plays a nekkid hippie, Hutson is topless as Marilyn Chambers.

    Lisa Tønne Brief nipple sighting in 'caps by Marvin from the fist episode of a new Norwegian TV series called "Seks som oss" ('Six like us').

    Cosma Shiva Hagen
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    		Señor Skin 'caps of Hagen topless in a shower scene and in a bedroom scene from the German movie "Rosa Roth - Die Abrechnung".

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    MICHAEL JACKSON WANTS HIS BOOK OF NOSES BACK
    He Always Had His Nose In A Book - Michael Jackson is trying to buy thousands of family items obtained by a US businessman who paid off the Jacksons' unpaid warehouse storage bill, then sold it all to a European collector. The huge collection includes Michael's early stage costumes, gold records, family photos, a contract for a nose job, and Michael's own sketches, which include his portraits of a little boy, Charlie Chaplin, and an entire book of sketches of noses.

  • Each getting progressively smaller.
  • Or as Michael calls it, his "Wish Book."
  • He has to get the portrait of the little boy back so he can quickly draw some clothes on him.
  • The contract was with "Nose Jobs R Us."
  • How is Michael going to buy all this back when he couldn't even pay the storage bill?


    REALITY VERSION OF "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND"
    No Survivors - The TBS cable channel is shooting a reality version of "Gilligan's Island." The show will follow what happens when a real-life skipper, first mate, millionaire couple, movie star, farm girl and professor are put on an island and compete to get off.

  • The men compete to get off with the movie star and the farm girl.
  • The farm girl: Paris Hilton.
  • If "Gilligan's Island" were reality, Gilligan would've been strangled by the second week.
  • If it's anything like "Survivor," let's pray that the movie star walks around naked, and not the skipper.
  • The loser has to spend the rest of his life in syndication.


    PEOPLE WILL BORROW MONEY FOR PLASTIC SURGERY
    They'll Garner More Interest - A survey by Abbey Bank found that almost one in 10 people in Britain want or have already had plastic surgery. Women most want breast enlargements, while men want nose jobs. Of most interest to the bank, nearly a quarter of those wanting to go under the knife were willing to spend up to 20,000 pounds ($36,500 US) to look young and attractive, and the same percentage would happily borrow money from the bank to do it.

  • Or from their kids' college fund.
  • They hope to turn out attractive enough to marry somebody rich.
  • Most of them need to spend that much just for the dental work.
  • Unfortunately, by the time it's paid off, you'll be old and ugly again.


    KINKY FOR GOVERNOR
    They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Kinky Anymore - Irreverent musician/author Kinky Friedman of the Texas Jewboys band announced his independent candidacy for governor of Texas, under the slogan, "Why the hell not?" Inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger, he said he's serious and plans to be honest and "fight the wussification of the state of Texas." If elected, he promises to start a Texas Peace Corps, allow nondenominational school prayer and abolish killing of animals in shelters. He also said, "I will not kiss babies. I'll kiss their mothers" and "I am not pro-life, I am not pro-choice, I am pro football."

  • In Texas, being pro football could be enough for him to win.
  • He's not pro-life, except for dogs and cats.
  • He'll get lots of votes, as long as his "no-execution" policy applies to animals only.
  • Is it too late for the Democrats to nominate him for president instead of John Kerry?