Beloved (1998) -- I am the wrong person to be writing a review of this film - in short, I detested it, and found nothing of merit during the entire running time. Made for $53M, much of it from star Oprah Winfrey, it only grossed $22.8M. IMDb readers have it at 5.6 of 10. It did receive an Oscar nomination for Costume. Critics have it 70% positive at IMDb, and the other 30% absolutely hated it. Scoopy found it a beautifully made film that was clearly not commercial. If I recall his argument correctly, it was made from a truly great book which was impossible to translate to the screen. Therefor, those who loved the book would be dissatisfied, and those who hadn't read the book would be confused during the three hours of running time.

From my standpoint, it was a ghost story with no hint of fright, either startle or suspense, and seemed to have the revolutionary theme that it sucked to be a slave. I have nothing against Oprah, as a matter of fact, the one friend of mine who has appeared on her show says she is a totally genuine person, and that the Oprah you see on the show is the real woman. The only performance I had a problem with was the ghost, played by Thandie Newton, although I guess you can excuse the gravely voice, since her throat was cut as a baby, and she had been dead and buried for 18 or so years. We do see her breasts and bush at the ending, when she vanishes from a front porch, and also get a dark view of her bush in an earlier scene.

I am not sure what to call the genre, but those who like it really like it, so the proper score is C+, but count me among the 30% who found no merit in it.

Updates:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site has been updated. Julie Gayet is featured this week.

Langrishe, Go Down (1978):

This is a Harold Pinter teleplay that was first broadcast on the BBC in 1978.

Pinter, the husband of Lady Antonia Fraser, may be the most famous living English playwright, and has been celebrated as a giant of the theater since he was still in his twenties. He's not that old now (74), but has been an established playwright for nearly 50 years. He's an author whose oeuvre is the power of implication, whose characters always mean something quite different from what they say and demand that you and the other characters figure out what they really mean.

When his style works, it can be very effective. Mysterious threats appear in the form of ominous visitors. They don't do or say anything threatening, and yet they are - sinister. Tension is created with pauses, glances, silence. People seem to exist only in the present. Characters are more symbolic than filled in. Real communication rarely happens. Dialogue often consists of non-sequiturs or ironic filler like "oh, have you really?"

Frankly, I don't know what he was driving at with with this script, but I found it impossible to appreciate in any way. A lonely Irish spinster and a pretentious Bavarian graduate student who is studying Irish folklore meet, and fall in and out of a relationship in the 1930s, in the way-too-quiet Irish countryside. The script is filled with speeches - endless pontificating and pompous digressions about various uncinematic matters like the reproduction cycle of bees and the Irish theatrical tradition.

It would be a complete waste of time without two of the greatest actors in film history, Jeremy Irons and Judi Dench. No, check that. That isn't precisely what I mean. That sentence should read: "It is a complete waste of time, despite the presence of two of the greatest actors in film history." It is lifeless, tedious, and unfocused. It was made for television in 1978, so it is in a 4:3 aspect ratio, and the quality of the print is not even mediocre. The original cinematography may have been quite good, but it's difficult to say that with certainty because this bears the same resemblance to a movie that a faxed sixth generation Xerox of an Ansel Adams photo bears to the original photo. If you see that multi-generation fax, you might conclude that Ansel was a helluva photographer, but you would not know for sure. Same problem exists here.

Besides its historical value (it was not seen for decades), the only interesting thing about the film is a significant amount of nudity from a woman I would like to think of as my personal sex slave, Dame Judi Dench. You haven't lived until you have seen Judi Dench putting whipped cream on her nipples. Well, at least until you've seen a faxed sixth generation Xerox of Judi Dench putting whipped cream on her nipples.

• Dame Judi Dench. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) Judi was just born too soon. The J-Lo, Beyonce, Winslet giant booty look was not in fashion in Judi's day. Come back with that jumbo ass now, and she'd be a love goddess.

Melvin and Howard (1980):

I ordered the new DVD of Melvin and Howard because the old one didn't have a full screen version (thus eliminating Steenbergen's pubic hair), had no features, and was a crappy transfer.

It appears to me that the new DVD is just a re-issue with a new cover. Don't order it. Same problems as the other one.

As for the film, I think Melvin and Howard is perhaps the single film which is the most better than it sounds. You pick it up dreading it, and you end up enjoying it.

Notes here.

• Mary Steenbergen. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) You can see full screen caps in the Encyclopedia. (They are made from VHS tapes. )

• Strippers (1, 2, 3, 4)

OTHER CRAP:

• Five new clips from Dawn of the Dead
• Four more behind-the-scenes clips from Hellboy
• Bush Site Unplugs Poster Tool: "The Bush-Cheney presidential campaign disabled features of a tool on its website (we linked to it about two days ago) that pranksters were using to mock the Republican presidential ticket. The tool originally let users generate a full-size campaign poster in PDF format, customized with a short slogan of their choice. But Bush critics began using the site to place their own snarky political messages above a Bush-Cheney '04 logo and a disclaimer stating that the poster was paid for by Bush-Cheney '04, Inc."
• Here is a fun game. Before you click on this link about showbiz salaries, mentally rank these five people in order of how much they earned last year: Simon Cowell, Hillary Duff, Judge Judy, Halle Berry, Anna Nicole Smith. I'll be mighty surprised if you get it right.
• Fight Club author says people faint when he reads his new book, "Guts", out loud. Hey, the first rule of "Guts" is never talk about "Guts".
• No regular jail can hold Martha Stewart: "I can almost bend steel with my mind. I can bend anything if I try hard enough. I can make myself do almost anything", she told Oprah in an interview. Whoa. They better get out that special jail they used to hold Magneto in X-2. Martha also said, " I think baking cookies is equal to Queen Victoria running an empire."
• The definitive reflectoporn photo collection.
• Cool! A man digging in his backyard in southwest England has unearthed tens of thousands of Roman coins
• Now playing shortstop, from Broken Arrow Oklahoma, Destiny Frankenstein.
• JANET TELLS WHAT HAPPENED: Janet officially calls Super Bowl incident an 'accident.': She spoke through her new official spokesman, Baghdad Bob.
• Opening Day for the Bosox on Good Friday - no Fenway franks for the Boston Irish Catholics this year.
• Quick, get A-Rod one of those I Love NY stickers. And if they have a baseball team in Rio, he'll take his salary in lap dances and caipirinhas.
• Kid Tries To Sell Dope To Cops With 'Police' Jackets: "whoa, totally excellent Halloween costumes, dudes!"
• Is Barbra Streisand a Mother Focker or not?
• New Speedo 'Shark' Swimsuit Is World's Fastest, and will definitely be your favorite if you love camel toes.
• In honor of Spring, some funny and strange baseball cards.
• The first trailer from Saved! (Teen themed movie with Jena Malone, Mandy Moore, Macaulay Culkin, Patrick Fugit)
• The trailer from SHREK 2. coming MAY 21
• The Daily Show analyzes whether the Fiddler on the Roof revival is unsemitic. Do they know bupkis?
• The Daily Show looks at Kerry's supposed "microphone malfunction"
• Chris Rock tops EW's "25 funniest Americans" list, just edging out Jon Stewart, Will Farrell, Dave Chappelle, and John Ashcroft.
• Next generation tech gadgets.
• Variety's current FILM PRODUCTION CHART
• Judge Roy Moore Speaks! - A Christian right presidential run creaks a half-inch forward. . If George Soros were really as smart as he's supposed to be, he would be financing this guy, just as the RNC financed Nader commercials in 2000.
• Spain's grief in pictures.
• Watch the first nine minutes of Taking Lives , Jolie's new thriller.
• BritishPanoramics.com, a journey through the British countryside and heritage. This man is a great photographer. Simply great.
• Today's Front Pages. 281 major newspapers from 37 countries.
• Random "Law and Order" Plot Generator
• This week's movies: Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London. 32/100. "Should have been stopped at customs -- as family entertainment, it constitutes child abuse."
• This week's movies: Secret Window. 44/100. The general consensus: Johnny Depp was good as usual, but the movie kinda bit the big one.
• This week's movies: Spartan. 55/100. This is David Mamet's new political thriller. Reviewers were sharply divided. Roger Ebert awarded four stars.
• Did President Bush go AWOL to have a passionate affair with Jane Fonda? Or did she prefer Dick?
• Inventor patents device for ads in space.: "Alexander Lavrynov, a spacecraft designer, said he has patented a device for putting advertising into space that would be seen from Earth" McDonald's responded that advertising is present in nature, and that the Big Bang was really just a way of super-sizing the Universe.
• House passes Upton indecency bill. The U.S. House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed post-tittygate legislation that will fine broadcasters up to $500,000 per incident for airing indecent programming.
• Pete Rose gets something better than the Hall. He's named Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
• FallonFey.com has now loaded the Weekend Update from the last Saturday Night Live.
• Kelly Monaco, Playmate in April 1997 and featured player in Idle Hands. Here is her Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• Four short sample videos from Playboy's Amateur Home Videos!
• Posthumous star on Hollywood Walk of Fame honors 'Cat in the Hat' author Dr. Seuss. The Doc's wife delivered the Quote of the Day, ""I think if Ted could see this he would say, 'Thank God I am dead!'".
  • He might have gone on to say, "I died without noggles and brizzles and scent. I died without buskets and nary a tent. I asked for no star when I came or I went. But I'm deader than Franco, 100 percent"
• The Best Live Bloopers from the BBC.
• In honor of the crazy Wal-Mart lady and her million dollar bill, Freaking News has a contest to "Design new US bank notes or coins."
• Here's the trailer for New York Minute , which is said to be an action comedy in the tradition of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Stars Eugene Levy and the dreaded, still underage Olsen twins.
• GALLUP Report: Passion viewers passionate about the movie. 11% of all Americans have already seen it (that does reconcile quite accurately with the box office take), and 34% more say they will see it at the theaters. If that pans out, the film may pass Titanic as the all-time domestic box office champ. Another 31% say they plan to see it on home video. Those who have seen it are generally quite pleased with it.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Madonna:

• Nothing goes together like nude hitchhiking and French Chanson, except maybe applesauce and beer. Here is some 1995 trivia for you really old time members on the site. The nude pic of Madonna hitchhiking was the first naked picture ever to appear in Uncle Scoopy's Fun House! (It started as jokes and links only. The original Fun House is called Other Crap today). These clips are from the video that accompanied her Sex book. (.avi version (clip one only), .wmv version (1, 2, 3))

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

A couple of weeks ago, in a short blurb about the movie, Terror Firmer, the line "awful even by Troma standards" was used. Well, if Student Confidential (1987) was the standard by which all other Troma films were judged, Terror Firmer would be that company's Return of the Kings.

You cannot believe what a muddled mess this movie is. There this guy, see. And he's a millionaire with a whack-o nympho of a wife, but she won't screw him and even though she lolls around the house all nekkid and stuff, she gets pissed when he looks at her. And he becomes a school counselor and gives all kinds of high-minded speeches to no one in particular and gets the shit kicked out of him by a bunch of guys who he hired in the first place or something and... None of it makes a lick of sense.

The way I figure it, a floridly psychotic individual wrote a long screenplay in which the scenes that did make sense were broken up by scenes that were just plain fruitcakes, so someone else cut out all the craziness and they made a movie that turned a profit. Then someone else had the idea of taking all the lithium-deprived scenes that had been cut in the first movie, filming THEM and selling it as another movie by a writing genius. Things aren't random but there is such temporal and logical oddness you just know it was written, filmed and edited by someone with two functioning neurons and one active synapse. It is the only way to explain what you see when you look at Student Confidential.

Three women do take off their clothes.

Susie Scott, Hefmate for the month of May 1983, goes full frontal on us in her one and only screen appearance outside the videos the Hefster markets himself. Susie plays a student who is unpopular with the guys 'cuz she has a facial scar, which I could not see at all. Plus the idea that a blonde with her bod couldn't get any action because of a tiny imperfection violates the Blonde Rule (which states that if you put a blonde wig on a rat's ass there are plenty of guys who will ask it out for a date).

Paula Sorenson plays the millionaire-counselor's nympho wife. She also has a right nice full-frontal scene.

Elizabeth Singer plays the rich bad girl, a character all teen movies must have or they risk causing a fatal rip in the space-time continuum. She gets almost topless in a scene with the millionaire guy and then does get topless in a much later, much darker scene.

I know not what the Troma guys were up to when they did this one. None of their films reach the standards set by MGM or Paramount, but usually there is something to hang onto. Not here. This little puppy scores a nice fat 1.6/10 on IMDB and is a big fat Z on anyone's report card.

• Elizabeth Singer
• Paula Sorenson (1, 2, 3)
• Susie Scott

"Croupier"
Topnotch British crime thriller tells of a writer who takes a job as a croupier to get by, despite misgivings. A former stint in South Africa had addicted him to the gambling life, despite the fact that he doesn't gamble.

Things get dicey when he is attracted to a woman gambler who has a plan for robbing the casino, and needs his help. Everyone did a great job in this 1998 movie, and the ending will surprise most.

• Alex Kingston
• Kate Hardie

McDONALD'S SALAD FATTIER THAN BURGER AND FRIES
Caesar Comes To Bury You - McDonald's hopes to get a more healthy image by doing away with Supersizing and offering nutritional information and salads. But the chain was embarrassed this week after someone noticed their website revealed that their new Caesar Chicken Salad has more fat than a regular burger and medium fries combined. A spokeswoman insisted that customers can choose a salad, topping and dressing to fit their diet and lifestyle.