Alfie (2004) never had a chance. It is a remake of a film, that, while culturally relevant, was more than a little unpleasant. I watched it a year or so ago when it was released on DVD, and, distanced from the era when it was relevant, it was just plain painful to sit through. I was very concerned about an attempt to remake this film, as I could see no possible reason to do so. After watching both the Widescreen and the pan-and-scan version, I still have no idea why it was made. Jude Law was brilliant in the title role. He didn't try to mimic Michael Caine's star-making performance, but made the character his own. Each of the women from the original was reinvented as a modern woman.

Where the film could have been far better than the original, was going into the bedroom, and showing exactly what it was about Alfie, who treated women like shite, that drew them to him. Instead, we have almost a nipple and partial buns from Jane Krakowski, and breasts and buns from Sienna Miller. The film won awards and nominations for music, and nothing else. It did nothing at the box office in the US. Ebert awards 3 stars, and Berardinelli 2.5.

I had many problems with this version, in addition to the fact that there was no compelling reason to make it. Alfie as a compulsive womanizer just doesn't fit into the reality of modern dating. When the original was made, serial shagging was de riguer for men. The realities of AIDS have ended that mentality. Alfie spends half the film talking directly to the camera. Granted, Law did it very well, but I much prefer to be shown, not told in a "motion picture." They frequently used freeze frame and jump cuts to speed up the pace. Each time it happened, I found it jarring. In a climatic scene with Susan Sarandon, I am convinced that the edited together dozens of takes to create the final scene. It came off very choppy. I would imagine that much of today's audience is not familiar with the original. The question is, does it have any merit not judged against the original. We basically have a hedonist, who, for some reason we never quite know, is irresistible to women, but, in the end, finds himself alone. What it adds up to is a morality tale about romance and commitment with an unsympathetic main character and an unhappy ending. Critics split, IMDb readers have it at 6.0. It is a low C, not impossibly bad, but nothing of merit here.

The Godfather (1972):

You don't need me to tell you that The Godfather is a part of cinematic folklore and the popular culture. Thirty years later, even casual film fans  understand references to Fredo and Luca Brasi; they know the meaning of toll booths to the family; they know what it means to make an offer one can't refuse. The movie was a mammoth popular success, with a modern-day equivalent of $347 million at the domestic box. It is unanimously praised. It made Coppola a rich and powerful man. 

So who won Best Director that year at the academy awards? Mr Coppola? Uh, no. The Godfather did win Best Picture, but the award for Best Director of the year went to - Bob Fosse, for Cabaret.

I know that sounds crazy, but there is some logic behind it. Coppola might have taken home the statuette if he had been the driving force behind the film but, as most people have forgotten, Coppola was not the auteur behind The Godfather. He was a merely a hired gun on a project developed by various others at Paramount Pictures. In fact, Coppola only got the job because several other directors, including Peter Bogdanovich, refused the project when offered it by Robert Evans, the head of Paramount. Coppola himself demurred originally because he wanted to develop his own projects, and because the book was a best seller, and therefore beneath his artistic dignity. When he finally took the job, the actual filming process turned out to be a semi-disastrous experience for him. During the production he was almost fired, then he almost quit. Even after he finished cutting the film, he thought the final product would be a flop - "Well, I guess I failed. I took a popular, pulpy, salacious novel, and turned it into a bunch'a guys sitting around in dark rooms talking".

I guess we know he was wrong.

========

The Godfather did win several awards, including Best Picture and Best Actor (Brando). Maybe you remember the award ceremony that year. It was one of the all-time classics. That was the notorious year when Brando's Best Actor statuette was picked up by "Sacheen Littlefeather" (real name Maria Cruz, an actress), who used Brando's acceptance speech to agitate against America's treatment of Native Americans. In case you weren't aware or had forgotten, the award shows in the 70s and 80s were highly politicized. Many performers, on both sides of the political spectrum, used the spotlight to make speeches on behalf of their pet causes.

Many years later, comic Tim Allen delivered a memorable Oscar-night line regarding this trend. "I thought I'd take this opportunity on worldwide television to promote my personal political causes. Sadly, I have no personal political causes" 

• Simonetta Stefanelli

The L Word Update:

Sunday's show featured a dark swimming scene. There is a full-frontal look at an unidentified woman, and topless flashes from Katherine Moenning and Leisha Hailey. (Hailey is the blonde in the blue bikini. The other woman is unknown.)

• Leisha Hailey and unknown (1, 2)
• Katherine Moenning (1, 2)

Other Crap:

• Feng Shui Underwear. This site delivers the quote of the day: "If you have a dragon on your underpants you will be protected." Protected from what? Well, you see, Wednesday begins the Year of the Rooster, and you need to be protected from the volatility of the cock. I didn't make this up.
• Elvis Jr update. Update/correction on Elvis Jr.'s mom. Thanks to a knowledgeable reader who identified that the "unknown" picture from Angelique Pettyjohn's filmography is from a little known 1982 epic entitled Titillation
• Oakland makes it into the NCAA tournament with a 13-18 record. Next stop: North Carolina. Hey, 13-18 doesn't seem that bad when you consider they started 0-7, and were 7-18 just a couple of weeks ago. Go back only a bit more and they are in Division II.
• How does a coin-op pool table know to return the cue ball when you scratch?
• Some seniors have found that cruise ships are better places to retire than retirement homes - maybe even cheaper!  
• An aerial shot of the movie set for the new Superman movie shows a life-sized replica spaceship buried at the end of a ditch near the town of Breeza, Australia
• Artcyclopedia: The Fine Art Search Engine
• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: Pregnant?
• Borowitz: NEW WHITE HOUSE REPORTER TURNS OUT TO BE DICK CHENEY. Fake Moustache Falls Off Veep During Press Briefing.
• A Dictionary of Old Hobo Slang.
• Ashley Judd will star in Come Early Morning, a coming-of-age story set in a rural small town
  • This film will be written and directed by ... (wait for it) ... actress Joey Lauren Adams.
  • The film centers on a woman in her 30s who is beginning to come to terms with her selfish and prickly relatives, her own self-worth, and her search for meaning.
  • No one will be admitted during the last thrilling fifteen minutes, or if they have a penis
• Here's the trailer from Nina's Tragedies. I think the title probably tells you all you need to know about this Israeli film.
• Five clips from The Ring Two
• One in three dads try breastmilk. The number was 69% in East Anglia. Only one in three? You mean 2/3 of men are not even a little curious what it tastes like? You mean to say that the other 2/3 stop kissing or sucking their wives' nipples during breast feeding? I have to call shenanigans on that statistic. OK, if you decide to pump it out and drink it with Kahlua, that might be extreme, but just tasting it? C'mon, all men do that at least once, don't they?
• A top Catholic cardinal has blasted 'The Da Vinci Code' as a 'gross and absurd' distortion of history and said Catholic bookstores should take the bestseller off their shelves because it is full of 'cheap lies.' I could be wrong, but I think that's why they put it in the "fiction" section. In fact, when you get right down to it, "fiction" and "cheap lies" are essentially the same thing.
• As of this minute, SXSW has registered 1368 different acts.
• In trying to broaden their appeal to more mainstream Americans, hailsatan.us is featuring an exhibition entitled Jesus Rapes a Baby. I'm pretty sure that should bolster their Spring recruiting drive, especially in the South.
• Weekly World News: "THE TINY principality of Tonzanique has a unique way of choosing its king and queen. It picks them by the size of their sex organs! 'We believe that the man with the biggest penis is the one who will protect us best,' says Tonora Kihali, Tonzanique's Minister of Information. "
• The Daily Show asks: "Was the early death of Egypt's boy king Tutankhamen an accident, or MURRRRDERRRR?!? "
• The Daily Show looks at congressional investigations: Enron, Halliburton, Abu Ghraib -- and instead there's a full-scale investigation into baseball.
• The Daily Show's Samantha Bee investigates whether this country needs better enforcement of spoiler alerts.
• Student Arrested For Terroristic Threatening! You're gonna love this.
  • What his grandparents found in his journal and turned into police turned out to be a short story he wrote for English class. A short story about zombies.
  • OK, we all had a good laugh, and that's the end of it, right? Wrong. The police admitted it was a short story, but said it was still a felony! "Police say the nature of the story makes it a felony. 'Anytime you possess matter involving a school or function it's a felony in the state of Kentucky.'"
  • The exact crime, according to the learned police spokesman? "Possessing matter involving a school". I'm curious. Is there anyone in the United States who does not possess matter involving a school? I still have my yearbook. Thank God I'm not in Kentucky.
• New pictures from the graphic novel adaptation Sin City. And by that, of course, I mean Alba, not Willis or Rourke.
• Why did Mario Vazquez quit 'Idol'? People are buzzing over the fact that it had something to do with him being gay. I'm not too sure what the hell that would have to do with precluding a career in singing. Is there anyone in showbiz who isn't gay? Maybe Sean Connery, but even he wears those little skirts.
• Conan's heartfelt tribute to the wonder that was "The Gates"
• See just about anything be shredded
• Elvis Jr. update. (See links below for more details). Elvis Aaron Presley JR. Official Web Site. You can listen to his songs here. He does sound like The King, but then so does the entire population of Las Vegas.
• ESPN.com: Page 3 - Top 100 sports movie quotes
• The trailer for Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith
• APOD: Steep Cliffs on Mars
• Jacko's lawyers tear his accuser a new one. The kid reluctantly admitted that he told his teacher that Jackson never molested him, and he did so very shortly after the alleged abuse took place.
• MovieJuice! takes a satirical look at Hostage - Wha' chu Talkin' 'about, Willis?

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

To put it simply...Halle Berry kicked some ass.

Here are the official poll results and comments.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s

Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.

Who has the best bum in Hollywood?

Best All Time Television Comedy

Email Scoopy Jr. with nominees, comments or suggestions.

First up from the Ghost...'Caps and clips of Daytime Soap star Gladys Jimenez going topless in two scenes from the direct-to-vid thriller "Blowback" (2000), starring Mario Van Peebles and James Remar.

• Gladys Jimenez (1, 2, 3)
• Gladys Jimenez zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)

Next up, a few vids (zipped wmvs) from the 1997 Rutger Hauer flick, "Redline".

• Yvonne Sciň. Toplessness in all of these scenes, plus rear nudity in clips 2 and 3. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Szilvia Bizek doing some topless boxing.

• Anita Neszmenyi baring all 3 B's as she attacks Rutger.

• Ildikó Szücs, topless as she gets out bed and gets dressed.

Naomi Watts
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Harring and Watts
(1, 2, 3, 4)

BRITNEY ADVISES MICHAEL JACKSON
Jail Would Work - Britney Spears offered Michael Jackson some advice via Allure magazine. She said if he did the things he's accused of, she feels sorry for him and he needs some help. Britney said, "He needs someone to be like, 'Okay, let's buck you up, let's give you a mustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.'" She added that if he isn't guilty, she still feels sorry for him, but either way, "he needs to get into a fight" to toughen up and be more masculine.