Capone (1989 TV Movie), AKA The Revenge of Capone is not actually about Al Capone. Rather, it is the story of a G-Man who brought him down. In this tale, Elliott Ness was a pompous pretty-boy and Hoover sycophant who, at best, made meaningless busts. Agent Michael Rourke (Keith Carradine) is the one who nailed Capone for tax evasion, and then campaigned to have him transferred to Alcatraz, since he was still running the mob from his Cook County jail cell.

The film opens with Capone at home in Florida. He has invited Rourke, who comes to see the man, who is dying of untreated syphilis. The rest of the film is a flashback. Highlights include Capone's attempt to kill Rourke's family, his successful assassination of the mayor of Chicago, and a disastrous affair between Rourke and Debra Farentino. Turns out she was a plant by Capone, used to discredit Rourke. Most of the film ranged from typical TV faire to downright slow, but there was one excellent moment. Farentino is in bed with Carradine when reporters bust in. She admits that Capone sent her, and then says, "Sorry. I really do love you, but this is just business."

Farentino shows breasts is two very dark sex scene. Three unknown showgirls show breasts in a long and well lit fan dance. IMDb readers have this at 5.2 of 10, but with only 33 votes. The only on line review was not complimentary. I doubt that this was even an attempt at accurate history, although I am no expert on this era. As a TV movie, this is at the low end of acceptable, or C-.

Luther the Geek (1990):

It was only about a week ago that I was talking about The Godfather, which is considered by many people to be the greatest of all movies. It is only fitting, therefore, that I give equal time to its greatest rival for that honor, Luther the Geek.

In fact, if you just pick scenes at random, it is difficult to say which of the two movies the scene might be from.

Or not.

SPOILERS - not that it matters.

Luther the Geek is actually an eccentric splatter film about - well, a geek. Sort of. First of all, I suppose we should establish what a geek actually is. Although in modern usage it has come to mean the same as "nerd" or "dweeb,"  in the early 20th century the word "geek" had a far different meaning which derived from the slang of America's touring carnivals and their sideshows. The addenda in Webster's 1954 dictionary defined geek as "a carnival ‘wild man’ whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake."

That's the kind of geek we are talking about here. The story began with a prologue which pictured Luther as a young boy, on a night in which he watched a bunch of villagers with torches (no kidding) storm a barn and force the caged geek to do his act. In the course of this humiliation, the boy reached into the straw in the barn until he found some strands covered with chicken blood. He tasted it. He liked it.

The story then fast-forwards to the present, where a 30ish Luther is in prison for serial homicide. It seems to be fairly obvious that he belongs behind bars somewhere, since he has a full set of sharpened metal teeth, and does not talk, but simply clucks like a chicken, except for the occasional bust of joy when he crows like a rooster. A dismissive verdict of "obviously nuts" is not the way the system works at parole time however, and the system is the system. Luther is granted parole because the parole board is breaking in a trainee (again, no kidding).

Damn those liberals!

Luther is thus placed back into mainstream society, and you can just sense that he's ready to make the most of his opportunity.

The rest of the film  ...

Well, I don't think you have to have the IQ of Steven Hawking to determine that he spends the rest of the film clucking like a chicken and killing people indiscriminately, since clucking and killing are pretty much the only activities he can perform. His killing technique involves driving his metal dentures into the victims' throats, geek style. Since Luther is on camera as much as or more than anyone else, a good percentage of the sound in the movie consists entirely of fake chicken noises. In fact, the last intended victim manages to survive when she confuses Luther by acting like a chicken herself, thus matching Luther's fake chicken noises cluck for cluck.

I don't suppose the soundtrack was a big seller.

When ol' Luther finally gets his comeuppance on the wrong end of a shotgun blast, the woman who shoots him feels relief, but then tastes some of his blood, likes it, and starts clucking again, even though Luther is dead ...

Is there anything more to say?

This effort is marked by the classic horror movie convention that all the characters have to act as stupidly as possible in all situations in order to keep the film from ending a half dozen times before the story is finished. We need the parole board to release a guy into the mainstream even though he wears sharpened metal teeth and clucks like a chicken? No problem - two flaming liberals and a "parole board trainee" will release him.. We need a woman to stay tied to a bed though her daughter arrives to rescue her? No problem - the daughter can't undo the knots and can't think of any other way to free a woman tied to a bed. Need an armed cop to discover the problem and fail to subdue an unarmed suspect. No problem - he's the world's dumbest cop.

Combine that with amateurish photography, day-night continuity errors, illogical plot points, slow pacing, a budget of zero, and a monster more silly than scary, and you have a true high camp bad movie classic. I suppose one-time director Carlton Albright has long since returned to his night shift at Circle K, because the revenues from this film probably didn't give him a comfortable retirement.

Yet this film is rated above six at IMDb and it received almost universally positive reviews from the genre sites, who compare the suspense and gore levels to those achieved by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and who love the crazy originality of the splatter. Whatever, dude. The IMDb score will probably settle in below four eventually, as more people see the film besides those predisposed to like it, but that doesn't change the fact that there actually are people predisposed to like it. Perhaps you are one of them. I am not.

The transfer is a crappy 4:3 print that looks like VHS, but there are reasons to own or rent the DVD. The extras are a lot of fun, and include lots of additional footage and discussions with the director. The best part of this is additional nudity from Stacy Haiduk. (Buns and even a quick look at the pubic area). I don't really know what Stacy is up to now, but her career seemed promising for a while there. She was Lana Lang on the TV Superboy, and then she was on SeaQuest for a couple of years, and had some decent roles in other TV shows that didn't make it big.  It looked like she might have pretty good career momentum, but it all fizzled, more for lack of a hit than lack of talent and looks. As you can see, she was pretty, and had a tremendous chest.

• Stacy Haiduk in the film (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
• Stacy Haiduk in the deleted footage (1, 2, 3)

The L-Word:

March 13 Episode. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm a week late. Zipped .wmv's from Shiloh's avis.

• Jennifer Beals and Gina Holden (no nudity from Beals)
• Katherine Moenning, Leisha Hailey, Audra Rickets, and Heather Douglas (ID's according to Shiloh).

Other Crap:

• InterActiveCorp buys Ask Jeeves for $1.85 billion.
• Several Imax theaters, including some in science museums, are refusing to show movies that mention evolution, the Big Bang or the geology of the earth. Good move, but what were they thinking of before they made this move? Those kiesterkaps were showing science films in a science museum? That's nuckin' futz.
• The Worst Jobs in History
• Director George Lucas says Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith will be "Titanic in Space."  That's what I'm talkin' about! Except I was hoping more for "Ya-Ya Sisterhood in Space."
• Juliette Lewis In Her Underwear On Stage. Looks like she's got a whole bad girl Courtney Love thing workin'.
• Half of all Americans think there is too much nudity on TV. I want to know this. Which channels do they get? They must get some German programs via satellite. Either that or they're really sick of seeing that fat guy's butt on NYPD Blue.
• AICN readers go ga-ga for Sin City. The reviews may be studio plants, but the key point for now is that Gugino's nudity is specifically mentioned.
• The Hollywood Height Chart
• ZERO-G Zero Gravity Experience - Parabolic Flights. Anyone can do it. Anyone with $3,750.
• Who the hell was Tokyo Rose?
• It's an e-bay miracle! The Pope Hat Chip - You've got to see it to believe.....
• NBC's first Color Show on Television Tape: "the first color show pre-recorded on Television Tape at NBC's new state-of-the-art 'Color City' studios in Burbank, California."
• A sample of some of the classic TV commercials from the 50s and 60s.
• Ben Affleck is looking to star alongside Bruce Willis as John McClane's son in Die Hard With a Cane.
• The part of Owen Wilson's nose was played by ... a prosthetic penis.
• Janeane Garofalo has been tapped to star in NBC's comedy pilot 'All In,' lifting the contingency off the project based on the life of poker champ Annie Duke.
• New technology uses human body for broadband networking. By sending data over the surface of the skin, it may soon be possible to trade music files by dancing cheek to cheek, or to swap phone numbers by kissing. (I wasn't sure whether to filter this one through the bullshit meter.)
• The new TV spot for Hitchhiker's Guide
• Kid saves the Minnesota 4A state basketball title by making a shot while lying on his back! (Apparently he was being guarded by Verne Troyer). With video. My heart goes out to the poor kid who was supposed to be guarding him, but let down his concentration because ... well, because the guy was lying on the ground, dammit!
• Borowitz: Rummy warned the Iraqi people against any "horsing around" or "monkey business" when it comes to choosing members of their first democratic government.
• Bobby Short, the suave, tuxedoed cabaret singer who epitomized Manhattan glamour and sophistication with renderings of the great American songbook, died of leukemia Monday, aged 80. Seeing Bobby play at the Carlyle was one of the quintessential Manhattan experiences for more than 35 years.
• Michael Jackson's child sex trial took another dramatic turn when the embattled star shuffled into court late and was led out, apparently ill and weeping.
• Further proof that The Guardian will print anything. I have often referred to them as "the world's most gullible newspaper," and I didn't even realize that they had printed the famous George Turklebaum hoax! Add this to their coverage of the Presidential I.Q. hoax, and their brilliant conclusion that the Pentagon was preparing for cataclysmic global warming.
  • "Sadly, George Turklebaum didn't live to enjoy the drama of the US election. He died of a heart attack on Monday October 23 while sitting at his desk in an open-plan office he shared with 23 others in the New York publishing house where he worked for 30 years as a proofreader. He can't be accused of going out with a bang: it was not until the next Saturday that anyone noticed. 'George was always the first guy here in the morning and the last to leave at night,' explains his boss, Elliot Wachiaski. 'So no one found it unusual he was in the same position all that time.' May he continue to rest in peace."
  • This story, of course, is notonly false, but could not be true, for various reasons involving the impact on a human body of a little thing I like to call "death." But I guess they were willing to suspend the physical laws of the universe based on the extremely reliable source: that bastion of journalistic responsibility, The Weekly World News
• The Business of Baseball :: Documents and Videos related to the Steroid Hearings. If you are interested in baseball as a business or baseball and the law, this is the ultimate resource.
• ESPN.com: Page 3 - More tales of powerful athletes and hot babes.
• Jessica Alba, naked wine snob. Here's her entire interview with GQ.
• Best ... cheerleaders ... ever
• Say it ain't so, Mark. Mark? Mark?
• Best flow chart ever.
• Jessica Alba. 'Nuff said.
• Eddie Murphy would play Johnny Blaze, an old-school rapper who retires and becomes a private eye who solves crimes within the hip-hop world.
• A SAUDI academic has been sentenced to 200 lashes and time in jail for mocking long beards. The Saudis seem like a simple desert people, and yet we have much to learn from them.
• The Truth Seeker - Karl Rove Seen at Homosexual Orgies in Washington
• A review of Ice Princess by the one critic truly sensitive enough to understand it - Filthy.
• Astronomy Pic of the Day - magnificent picture of the Horsehead Nebula

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Here is a short list of nominees (including most of the nominees from when we first ran this poll).

Denise Richards, Neve Campbell, and Matt Dillon in "Wild Things"
Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas in "Basic Instinct"
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke "9 ˝ Weeks"
Kathleen Turner and William Hurt in "Body Heat"
Ellen Barkin and Dennis Quaid "The Big Easy"
Rebecca DeMornay and Tom Cruise in "Risky Business"
Jessica Lange and Jack Nicholson on the table in "The Postman Always Rings Twice"
Rene Russo and Pierce Brosnan in "The Thomas Crown Affair"
Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton in "Monster's Ball"
Hudson Leick and Ryan Alosio in "Denial"
Madonna and Willem Dafoe "Body of Evidence"
Julianne Moore and Mark Wahlberg in "Boogie Nights"
Demi Moore and Rob Lowe in "About Last Night"
Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in "Fatal Attraction"
Maria Schneider and Marlon Brando in "Last Tango in Paris"
Jennifer Jason Leigh and Robert Romanus in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"

Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance.

Today from the Ghost....'caps and clips from the 1996 mega-lo budget comedy "Busted", directed by and starring Fun House favorite Corey Feldman. (and yes, the other Corey co-stars). By the way, if you don't normally check out clips from the Ghost, these might be worth your time. Why? Because you get to hear some of the ultra-silly "witty-banter" dialogue and see some of the lame sight gags.

Actually, with a little better direction, some script polishing and a few more dollars in the budget, this could have been a pretty decent tongue-in-cheek sex comedy.

• Griffin Drew shows off her robo-boobs in several scenes, including one with "Diff'rent Strokes" star Todd Bridges. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Griffin Drew zipped .wmv

• Monique Parent takes a shower with a Jared-sized dude and shows all 3 B's. (1, 2, 3)
• Monique Parent zipped .wmvs (1, 2)

• Griffin Drew and Monique Parent both doing some topless sunbathing.
• Griffin Drew and Monique Parent zipped .wmv

• B-movie superstar Julie Strain stops by the police station for a quick peek at all 3 B's.
• Julie Strain zipped .wmv

• Mariana Morgan is topless as she gets it on with Feldman (1, 2, 3)
• Mariana Morgan zipped .wmv

• Former Heffers Ava Fabian and Devin DeVasquez bare breasts and bums in two 3-ways scenes. Link #1 and clips 1 and 2 feature Corey Feldman. Link #2 and Clips 2 and 3 are with some other dude. (1, 2)
• Ava Fabian and Devin DeVasquez zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)

Let's compare:
Eden: 5'3"...Hilton: 5'8"
Eden: 36 C...Hilton: 34 B
Eden: Cute, funny, talented comic actress with bubbly personality, good at physical comedy...Hilton: one facial expression, wooden monotone delivery of every word (including normal conversation), apparently not physically capable of any movement other that 'striking a pose'.

MICHAEL JACKSON'S NORMAL DECOR
Barely Normal - Michael Jackson's lawyers objected to prosecutors showing the kinky magazines and "Barely Legal" DVD found in his bedroom as if that was all he had. They kept asking detectives if they'd also noticed perfectly normal things in his bedroom, like letters from US presidents and Steven Spielberg, a card from Liza Minnelli, Three Stooges and Shirley Temple memorabilia, and a mannequin duplicate of Jackson's young female cousin.

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