National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2003) is another of the too frequent completely lame comedies from National Lampoon. Two orphans tire of working for minimum wage, and move to Hollywood to pursue a promising new career as purse snatchers. On their first attempt, dressed as a rabbi and a nun, they pull off a woman's prosthetic arm, which she proceeds to beat them with until the cops arrive. They learn their lesson, and, upon release, decide to try armed robbery on two old ladies. They hadn't counted on mace, and are again in jail.

Meanwhile, we learn that the two old ladies, sisters and heirs to a condom fortune, have been swindled out of their money by an uncle. They decide to spring our two heroes, marry, insure and then kill them. When our heroes see their mansion, they decide to marry then outlive the sisters. These are not marriages made in heaven, and soon everyone wants to kill each other, but they keep missing, and the body count mounts.

The only thing of merit in this entire film is Nikki Ziering¹s tits, which she shows first as a fantasy girl, then later as the new girlfriend of one of our heroes. There are out takes from her nude scenes in the special features. IMDb readers have this at 3.3. I agree. Stupid idea, stupid screenplay, poor execution. As an aside, it could have been worse. They proved it on the DVD with alternate opening and closing scenes. This is a D.

National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2003 or 2004):

This film is also known as "Lady Killers".

In discussing the worst films of 2004, we found that the contest was nearly a runaway for Superbabies. That move, after all, got no positive reviews, and was rated the worst of all time at IMDb. As you can well imagine, that stupefying level of incompetence nearly blew away the competition, and yet National Lampoon's Gold Diggers refused to surrender. Gold Diggers matched Superbabies with 0% positive reviews at Rotten Tomatoes and when Metacritic did their end of the year accounting, the final tallies were 9/100 for Superbabies and 6/100 for Gold Diggers. Given that fact, in concert with the IMDb score of Superbabies, the director of Gold Diggers may proudly and rightfully boast of having made a movie worse than the worst movie of all time, a paradox comparable in complexity only to the Mudd's Robots Conundrum.

Given that he made fun of Catholic orphanages in this school, and is therefore probably excommunicated and banned from the sacrament of confession, Gary Preisler, the man who wrote and directed this film, will need to contact one of those sin eaters to obtain forgiveness for this effort. And I'm not just talking about a regular old garden variety sin eater who can chow down on the taste of your having filched a few bucks from your mom's penny jar, nosiree. This guy needs the Marlon Brando of sin eaters, a man who could chow down every crumb of the seven deadly sins of Larry Flynt and Hitler at an all-you-can-eat buffet, a man who can even eat gluttonously when he consumes the rich taste of Gluttony itself.

I suppose you can guess from my expertise in this topic that I tried to be a sin eater myself, but I could never swallow my Pride.

I did learn however, that Envy goes best with a Pinot Noir.

But enough about me. Could there be more to say about the film? Oh, there's more. Consider this: the topline above-the-title star of this film, the headliner, so to speak, is the redheaded doofus who played The Sherminator in American Pie.

Or consider the DVD box. Riddle me this, Batman. How do you fill the box with written blurbs capable of marketing a film with zero percent positive reviews? Even the notorious quote whore, "Earl Dittman of Wireless Magazine" was abstaining from this one. The guy who wrote the DVD box did a helluva job at spinning this. Since no reviewers used any positive adjectives, he quoted the negative adjectives which might at least provoke some sales to people who like gross-out comedies, hoping that the people in that highly-targeted audience would see those negative characteristics as positives. He also quoted only one adjective at a time, completely separated from the context in which the words were originally used. These are the reviews used on the box:

"Tasteless" - The Seattle Post Intelligencer

"Offensive" - The Washington Post

"Low-brow" - The New York Daily News

"Raunchy, offensive" - The Hollywood Reporter

"Ultra-crass contribution to the Lampoon shelf" - Boston Globe

All of those reviewers actually said those things, but I'm sure they never dreamed their comments would be quoted to sell the DVD! If you want to see what reviewers really thought of this film, click on the Rotten Tomatoes link and just read the one line summaries of each review. It will bring a much leaded uplift to sagging spirits!

The plot:

Two young losers concoct a plan to get rich by marrying two very old heiresses who live in a beautiful Beverly Hills Mansion. Shortly after the dual wedding ceremony, the boys decide they need to accelerate nature's course a bit because the old women are not dying fast enough, so they conspire to kill them. Unfortunately for our lads, and unknown to them,  the women have fallen on hard times since their father invented condoms, and their evil uncle has hijacked their fortune from them. The only hope for the old biddies to save their crumbling lifestyle was to pretend they were still rich, marry two young gold diggers, insure them, kill them, and reap the rewards.

Thus, everyone is trying to kill everyone else. There is no wit in the murder plots. The performing is annoying, crass and lowbrow. The only alleged humor in the film basically consists of the boys' ongoing disgust at having to have oral sex with incredibly old women, one of whom is permanently horny.

That's the film. Toss in a convenient happy ending, and you have the wrap-up.

I guess I could cite three points of interest:

1. To be fair, the finished film doesn't look bad at all.

2. If you are into 70s nostalgia, the old gals are played by Renee Taylor and Louise Lasser. Lasser, who was married to Woody Allen in the sixties, and was once a hot star in the soap spoof "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" (1976-77), plays the shy sister. The sexual predator is played by Taylor, who garnered an Oscar nomination in 1970 for her script for Lovers and Other Strangers, and won other writing awards for that film as well as for Made for Each Other.

3. The DVD fares a little better than the PG-13 theatrical release, since some flesh has been inserted, albeit clumsily, in the form of dream sequences in which one of the boys fantasizes the life he will someday have with former playmate Nikki Ziering, assuming that his horny old wife finally dies. The DVD version of these sequences is "unrated", but would be rated "R" based upon the frequent appearances of Miss Ziering's impressive aftermarket hooters. (The theatrical version of the film, given neither wits nor tits, was a comedy with absolutely no merit of any kind, yet somehow, defying all logic, this sucker ended up on 1000 screens.)

• Nikki Ziering (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Other Crap:

• A Texas lawyer was arrested yesterday and charged with offering to provide legal services in exchange for a sex act and some hot girl-on-girl action. And the worst part is he's my lawyer!
  • He isn't really, but he's on our school board and lives a stone's throw away, assuming you have a helluvan arm. His daughter was a state champion in gymnastics at my daughter's high school.
• The Hair Archives is a website devoted to vintage hair fashion.
• What happens when you mix canned corn with trailer trash and obesity? The oddest porno pic of the day.
• From New York with love. Scotty da Blue Bunny wishes youse a Happy Fuckin' Easter
• Hey Kids! Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free PlayStation 2!
• Landover Baptist has an especially devout Easter edition. Easter Bunny Bludgeoned to Death Before Cheering Crowd of Christian Children
• iowahawk: Redneck Haiku

  Naked in repose

  Silvery silhouette girls

  Adorn my mudflaps

• Script Review of the new Superdude movie.
• The official site for The Office includes a deleted scene.
• Mischa Barton as Wonder Woman??? I don't know if WW can have an accent, but if so, I vote for Monica Bellucci.
• Charlie Sheen is furious that friends of his estranged wife, Denise Richards, have been telling Us Weekly he has a sex, drug and gambling problem.
  • Richards' pals say Sheen paid a hooker $15,000 for sex, gambled away up to $400,000, and has been using prescription drugs.
  • I call shenanigans on that. OK, the rest might be true, but Charlie would never go over twelve large for a 'tute.
• Play ball! Underwear maker celebrates new Japanese baseball team with special bra.
• Vampire bats run on the ground. And they never drink ... wine.
• Tom Sizemore sentenced to 17 months in jail for drug-related charges. The judge rules that Sizemore could serve all 17 months, or that he and Michael Madsen can serve 8 1/2 months each.
• A trailer and five clips from The Edukators
  • Jan, Peter and Jule are living out their rebellious youth. They are united by their passion to change the state of the world. Jan and Peter become "The Edukators," mysterious perpetrators who non-violently warn the local rich their "days of plenty are numbered." Complications follow when vulnerable Jule ends up falling for both young men. Reckless choices result in danger. An operation gone wrong and what was never intended to be a kidnapping brings the three young idealists face-to-face with the values of the generation in power.
• WhiteHouseTapes.org :: The secret White House tapes and recordings of Presidents Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Roosevelt, Truman, and Eisenhower
• Optical Illusions
• No quiero Taco Bell.: "A southwest Florida woman was sentenced to 30 days in jail for killing her neighbor's Chihuahua with a shotgun, telling the dog's owner in court that she was scared when it attacked her."
• President Bush's approval drops to an all-time low. (Gas prices are seen as the cause.)
• On the Daily Show's Plague-O-Meter, bird flu is somewhere between Monkeypoxy and Downright SARSish.
• Jon Stewart and Ozzy Osbourne discuss the true Prince of Darkness, Dr. Phil
• The Daily Show's Senior War Correspondent Steve Carell is back after being imbedded for over two years.
• Sin City is sitting on 100% positive at the moment. And these are not kinda good reviews, but deliriously happy reviewers.
• T-rex find could bring Jurassic Park to life! FASCINATING SIDEBAR: the most similar modern animal to a T-Rex is an Ostrich.
• The headline of the day comes early: Swiss Fighting Cows Face Drug Test. So in Switzerland you can attend a cow fight? Kinda handy. You don't really need a drink vendor in the stadium - if you're thirsty, just milk the contestants. Man that sounds so good I can't believe they don't mention it in the tourist brochures. "Let's get ready for some cow stomachs to RUMBLE." For sheer fightin' spirit, Rocky had the eye of the tiger, but Switzerland has the cold, lifeless stare of the dairy cow.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Best Sex Scene in a Mainstream Movie
For this poll it's A-list only. No skinemax or adult stuff. You'll also notice a lack of lesbian lovin'....I'm saving that for another poll.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance.

Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.

Today from the Ghost...a few video clips featuring plenty of gratuitous nudity in scenes from the 80's slasher flicks, "Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers" (1988) and "Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland" (1989).

For some reason, in 2002 they resurrected the series with "Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor" and currently there is a part five in production. For those who are fans of the series, or just in case you want to buy some Sleepaway camp merchandise...here's the official Sleepaway Camp series website.

First up, from "Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers".

• Valerie Hartman zipped .wmvs. Topless girls cabin scene in links 1-2, topless sex scenes in links 3-5. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Next up, the vids from "Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland".

• Kashina Kessler zipped .wmv, topless in her one and only acting role.

• Stacie Lambert zipped .wmvs. Here she is topless while making out with long time Hollywood creepy guy Michael J. Pollard. In clip #3 they both get killed. (1, 2, 3)

• Stacie Lambert and Jill Terashita (zipped .wmv) both topless in the girls cabin.

"Drying Up the Streets" (1978)
Find of the week. Canadian drama about a father trying to get his runaway daughter (Sarah Torgov from Meatballs) off the streets where she got sucked into the porn industry. Released a year before Hardcore.

• Sarah Torgov: very nice topless as go-go dancer.
• Jayne Eastwood: sexy as go-go dancer.
• obligatory strippers: topless go-go dancers.

"Tulips" (1981)
Turkey of the week. Dreadful romance starring Gabe Kaplan of Welcome Back Kotter fame. Saved only by the bountiful bosom of his co-lead Bernadette Peters.

• Bernadette Peters: bra-less in undershirt.

"Highpoint" (1984)
Richard Harris/Christopher Plummer comedy.

• Lynda Mason Green: very sexy as half-naked model.

Godiva's episode The Hungry Ghost
Second episode of the series and it's evident who's providing most of the skin.

• Leah Cairns (1, 2): topless sunbathing in first episode, topless sex scene in second episode.

Meegwetch music video

• Tamara Podemski: bra-less pokies.

Human Cargo: part 5

• Cara Pifko: nude sex scene obscured by shower curtain.

"Thank You Satan" (1989)
Rather dull France-Canada comedy other than the housecat who likes to watch hardcore sex cartoons on the television set. But no nudity by the regular live action stars.

• cat and mouse: both competing to f*ck a duck.

"Fairy Tales"
You won't want to gather the kiddies to watch this 1979 musical comedy takeoff on Mother Goose, but it's a hoot for adults. Very funny and sexy with lots of nudity but little actual sex, it's a tasteful adult version that will keep you laughing. And of course, a 1979 movie means 1979 bodies - no implants and full bush.

Oh yes, there's even a plot: When he turns 21, the Prince strikes out across the land searching for the only woman that can get him sexually excited, Sleeping Beauty. On the way, he runs into Jack and Jill, Sheherazade, Little Bo Peep, Snow White, and a ton of other well-known nursery rhyme characters.

Because the film was apparently in pretty bad shape, the DVD quality is poor, but the movie is very well done, with good musical production, and generally just a lot of laughs, plus plenty of yumminess.

• Linnea Quigley
• Sherry Bragg
• Lindsay Freeman
• Anne Gaybis
• Angela Aames
• Idy Tripoldi
• Nai Bonet
• The Women of "Fairy Tales"

Patsy Kensit
(1, 2, 3)

"MICHAEL MOORE" BANK ROBBER
Robber At Large - Police in Monroe, Michigan, are searching for a man who's wanted in several robberies, including a bank robbery last Saturday. He's described as white, in his 40s, with a scraggly beard, plaid shirt and baseball cap. Because of the resemblance, he's been dubbed "the Michael Moore bandit."

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