The Erotic Adventures of Candy (1978) is an absolute adult classic written and directed by Gail Palmer, and based on the novel Candide by Voltair. Naive Candy (Carol Connors) is a 20 year old virgin attending a college in Michigan. Her goal is to help mankind. Her strict father doesn't allow her to date, but the fun starts when she entices the Mexican gardener up to her room, and daddy catches them doing the deed. Daddy injures himself trying to do in the gardener, and, after her uncle tries to nail her in the hospital room next to her unconscious father, she heads for California. Once there, she finds several men to help, including John Holmes as a jogger, John Leslie as a gynecologist, and Paul Thomas as a guru.

The humor, and there is plenty of it, is rather dated. In one scene at the Ashram, Thomas is teaching Connors what the sex acts being committed by the various worshipers are. He points to one man giving head to another, and says that it is the "Anita Bryant Orange" position. I suspect not more than half of you readers will have any idea what that refers to. The lion's share of the sex and nudity is by Connors in this film. There are cameos by Georgina Spelvin as her oversexed aunt, and several actresses in the Ashram orgy scene, but they were really not worth the time to cap. Connors shows everything throughout the film with her ripe body taking on the biggest names (and cocks) in porn, yet maintains the innocent act from start to finish. They even manage a suitable ironic ending.

IMDB readers have this at 5.9 of 10, which is rather high for a hard core film there. The DVD is clearly mastered from a VHS tape, but is at least watchable. There are no features at all. Hard core is, of course, limited to no higher than a C+ in our rating system, as people that don't like nudity and sex in a film are not going to be won over by any sex film, no matter how good. Were this a better transfer, I would have to give this the full C+, but with the image quality, it is a C.

Updates:

Mega volumes added today

• New volumes: Judy Pace, Dira Paes, Svenja Pages, Cecile Pallas, Gretchen Palmer, Rebecca Palmer, Susan Pari, Cheryl Paris, Elizabeth Peña, Susan Penhaligon, Nathalie Perrey, Michelle Perry, Jenna Persaud, Essy Persson, Bernadette Peters, Summer Phoenix, Paloma Picasso, Cindy Pickett, Ingrid Pitt, Dana Plato, Sarah Jane Potts, Romina Power, Stefanie Powers, Moana Pozzi, Justine Priestly

Other crap:

• video highlights from Conan O'Brien, Check out "50 Years of Late Night" and "Triumph the insult comic dog on Hollywood Squares"
• Maria Shriver admits she is related to Skeletor. In other stories, The Helping Hand from Hamburger Helper was found dead.
• The latest online game, Saddam Hunter, from The Sun
• Japanese technology at its finest. The SOM - the world's most advanced personal masturbation assistant.
• Last week The Sun called French President Chirac a worm. The French complained. So this week they said, "we did not go far enough. Your president is not just a worm. He has behaved like a Paris harlot". Elsewhere they called him "Saddam's whore". And this was in their Paris edition! Please remember that this is a ballsy move in France. The principles of free speech that we treasure in the English-speaking nations do not apply in France. Our laws allow you to say just about anything about public figures as long as it can't be proven false. Freedom of speech as known in America is not present in France. Their laws forbid insulting the President. Whoa! If Rush Limbaugh were French, he would now be getting to know Papillon's old pals..
• Student submits himself and Hitler to "Hot or Not". Hitler proves hotter.
• Billy Bob Thornton - nutty as a fruitcake
• Eminem - slept through his Oscar win at home in Detroit
• Gisele Bundchen is being offered special training to wave the flag at the Brazilian Grand Prix next month. I have volunteered to train her on flag-waving. I'm also willing to educate her in many other elements of racing. Like how to earn the pole.
• How's this for logic? CBS broadcasting the Masters tournament is an affront to brave female American combat troops in Iraq. "It's appalling that the women who are willing to lay down their lives for democratic ideals should be shut out of this club". (Actually, those men in uniform are also shut out, unless they have a couple of zillion dollars lying around and some buddies who are Senators.)

What're the odds?

Odds to win the Players Championship

Sawgrass - Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida Mar 27 - Mar 30, 2003. Closing Date: Mar 27, 2003 08:30

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Here are a whole bunch of 'caps of Emmanuelle Béart from "La Belle noiseuse" (1991). The movie gives real meaning to the phrase "watching paint dry". The caps display M. Béart's assets rather nicely, I think, along with her appenectomy scar and what appears to be an implant scar surrounding the lower halves of her Areolae.

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• Emmanuelle Béart (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79)

The movie "Anarchy TV" (1997) is very cheesy but very funny, Alan Thicke is great in this movie and there's lots of nudity from Jessica and Tamayo, both show everything when they decide to get naked so people start watching their channel.

• Jessica Hecht (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

• Tamayo Otsuki (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Next up, a few 'caps from the movie "The In Crowd".

• Susan Ward, topless in deleted and non-deleted scenes. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

• Lori Heuring, showing a little nipple visible through a see-thru bra. (1, 2, 3)

MAN TAKES JOB AT 7-11 SO HE CAN LOOT IT
Plus A $10 Box Of Cereal - Police in Englewood, Colorado, are searching for Andrew Mucci, 42, on suspicion of stealing more than $12,000 in cash and merchandise from a 7-11. Mucci worked there, and after the first night he was left to run the store alone, his manager came in and found it deserted. He had allegedly hauled off 1,938 packs of cigarettes, $1,200 worth of phone cards, 643 lottery tickets, 15 cell phones and $1,500 in cash. Police said, "The whole caper is on videotape. His whole shift he spends drinking beer and gathering things to steal. It's unreal."