Boa vs. Python (2004 TV) I suppose was inevitable, in the same way that Godzilla had to meet Mothra, King Kong had to meet Godzilla, etc. Rule one, when you base a movie on a battle between super monsters, you need to put a lot of effort into the special effects, or it comes off as just plain silly. Rule two, since this is science fiction, check your science, and either invent new devices and terms for them, or find out what current real devices actually do. Finally, you need to pit the monsters against each other in an interesting plot.

Unfortunately, they skipped all three steps in this film. The cgi generated snakes are not at all good, and are shown for far too long in too much light. They have a GPS device that works underground in metal tunnels, and detects all life forms in the tunnels. Sorry folks, GPS doesn't do that. It must have line of sight access to three satellites, and it tells you where you are. With the addition of mapping software, it can locate you on a map. Rather than tell the story they advertised, Boa vs. Python, they tell the story of scientists vs. big game hunters vs. FBI, all in the Philadelphia water treatment tunnels.

However, there were a lot of good things about this film. Top of the list is full frontal and rear nudity from Angel Boris, as the girlfriend of a wealthy casino owner and organizer of the big game hunters. There is also topless action near the end of the film from several painted dancers, and lots of girls in thongs around a Miami swimming pool. Most interesting to me was the detail in unimportant subplots, not related to the main story line. As an example, they locate scientist Jaime Bergman at a swimming pool in Miami, where she is engaged in a pecker contest (holding your breath under water) with a Navy UDT gorilla. She wins by flashing her tits at him underwater. Very clever scene (even though we don't see the breasts), and not germane to the plot. The film was full of such moments.

This leads me to an inevitable conclusion. Give director David Flores a real script and a budget, and I suspect he will turn out a very nice film. Despite the fatal flaws, I watched it beginning to end without a single click on fast forward, making it a C-.

• A new theory about the Shroud of Turin.
• Madame Gigi, the psychic chihuahua
• The perfect Mother's Day Present: Solar Death Ray
• The Pat O'Brien sexual harassment scoreboard.
• Stay in Jim Morrison's Apartment for $200 a night.
• "Real" witch ridicules the websites of false witches. I think this may be post-ironic.
• The partnership you've been waiting for: France and Microsoft, thus allowing an important consolidation of hatred which might otherwise be too diffuse. Next in line to align: North Korea and Affleck.
• You think you're pretty smart because you found Waldo. Now find Jesus. Hey, it's Easter. What better time to find Jesus?
• The trailer for Hooligans, or maybe not ... ?
• Several new documents and transcriptions have been adeed to The Business of Baseball (Indicated by the NEW button). This is a priceless collection of material for those interested in this subject. It includes material dating back to the 19th century.
• Cartoon Network - watch online - all five episodes of Star Wars: Clone Wars Volume II
• New pics from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
• Nickname says it all: Gregg "Big Arms" Valentino.
• Britney Spears: Pregnant, per Star Magazine
• According to an Anglican Bishop, Prince Chuck is obliged to apologize to Camilla's ex-husband for having an affair with her, and this must occur before their forthcoming wedding can go ahead.
• Did you know that "Tony Danza" is the name of a sex act? Tony thus joins, on the short list of celebs who have lent their names to sexual practices, the Marquis de Sade, Leopold Sacher-Masoch (who invented a torte with half of his name, and masochism with the other half), and the detective Harry "Dirty" Sanchez (the famous "Harry El Sucio").
• Headline of the day goes to the Village Voice: "Big Verdict: Lil' Kim Is Seriously Fucked".
• Three to four times as many women as men died in the Asian tsunami
• Quick, get Quentin Tarantino on the phone! The craziest Schiavo story yet - Florida state officials and local cops in showdown over possession of Schiavo!
  • "a team of Florida law enforcement agents were en route to seize her and have her feeding tube reinserted - but they stopped short when local police told them they would enforce the judge's order. 'We told them that unless they had the judge with them when they came, they were not going to get in,' said a source with the local police. Participants in the high-stakes test of wills, who spoke with The Miami Herald on the condition of anonymity, said they believed the standoff could ultimately have led to a constitutional crisis - and a confrontation between dueling lawmen."
  • "State officials on Friday vigorously denied the notion that any showdown occurred."
• The last Cinderella is gone, her carriage turned back into a pumpkin thanks to Louisville.
• eBay item - WAYNE NEWTON Blow Up DOLL - Danged Weird!
• So did LeBron really make those shots?
• Production Design from Terry Gilliam's The Brothers Grimm
• Polls Show 7 to 9 point drop in Bush's Job Approval in one week!
  • He hit a low of 43 in the CBS poll, on his way to Carter Country!
• Man Sells Device That Blocks Fox News. He has received death threats. Next on The Sopranos: Tony whacks a guy for blocking Fox News.
• Dave Barry tracks down a gynecologist named Harry Beaver
• New research reveals that lobsters are too smart for traps! And yet they're just dumb enough to be delicious. If they tasted like spinach, they wouldn't have to worry about traps.
• The Daily Show's Ed Helms gets to the heart of the Rutgers newspaper censorship scandal.
• Jon Stewart decrees that the Schiavo feeding tube will soon be removed from the cable media networks.
• Steve Carell tries to explain why the part of Steve Carell is now played by Griffin Dunne.
• Aniston Files for Divorce From Pitt. There goes our hope for peace in the Middle East.
• "Bud Selig must be praying that Barry Bonds retires"
• New Mexico Sen. Steve Komadina introduces The Right to Eat Enchiladas Act ... a precious freedom FDR shamefully neglected to mention in his Fireside Chats.
• White House Easter Egg Roll: Declaring Egg Roll Era "Over," President Proudly Introduces New Easter Activity for Children - WHITEHOUSE.ORG
  • "we are pleased to announce a replacement for the Easter egg roll event - one which is not only tremendously enjoyable for young people, but also reaffirms the absolute supremacy of both Jesus Christ and fossil fuels within the context of a familiar seasonal activity. And so, without further delay, I am proud to declare the first annual White House Easter 10W-40 Motor Oil Scavenger Hunt open for business! "
• The Old Negro Space Program The shocking and inspiring but false story of America's blackstronauts.
• Two words: Duke Sucks. And there was much rejoicing among the multitudes of Duke-haters in the Middle Atlantic part of our country, especially since UK kicked some ass on the same night, while North Carolina survived a close call against Villanova, and Louisville is already in.
• As I predicted, Wisconsin made the elite eight without ever facing a team seeded better than tenth! The free ride is over, however. North Carolina is next on the docket.
• Hollywood Bitchslap - Criticwatch 2004 - The Quote Whores Of The Year!
  • Eric Childress of Bitchslap keeps track of the critics who seem to write their reviews with a view to being quoted in the print ads or on the DVD boxes. Predictably, his winner was my personal hero, the legendary Earl Dittman of "Wireless Magazine". Some samples:
    • Catwoman - 100% pure fun and excitement! Berry's performance is sensational. Catwoman is eye-popping.
    • New York Minute - A big-hearted, joke-filled movie treat for the whole family. A slapstick comedy that will turn movie-lovers of all ages into fans.
    • Shall We Dance? - Utterly entertaining! Simply enchanting. Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon are extraordinary. Shall We Dance is a dream come true

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Best Sex Scene in a Mainstream Movie
For this poll it's A-list only. No skinemax or adult stuff. You'll also notice a lack of lesbian lovin'....I'm saving that for another poll.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance.

Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.

Today from the Ghost...'caps and vids from the T&A comedy "Bikini Squad" (1993). I've seen several movies with the word 'bikini' in the title, but somehow I missed this one. All I can tell you is that it was directed by Valerie Breiman, the same woman who wrote and directed #23 on the IMDb's bottom 100..."Going Overboard".

• Donna Baltron, topless on top of a nerd. (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Donna Baltron zipped .wmv

• Julie Strain, topless and showing some side bum views on top of another dude. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
• Julie Strain zipped .wmv

• Maureen Flaherty also shows off her big'uns. This time in a 'love' scene. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
• Maureen Flaherty zipped .wmv

"3000 Miles to Graceland" (2001)
Road movie starring Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner as good and evil Elvis impersonators.

• Courtney Cox: partial boob and butt having elvis sex.
• Christine Chatelain: cleavage as sexy waitress.
• showgirls: lots of cleavage and leg kicks.
• unknowns: elvis hoes showing cleavage.

"We Don't Live Here Anymore" (2004)
Medium budget drama about adultery.

• Naomi Watts: partial boob, butt and near bush.
• Laura Dern: bare back and shoulders.

"Intolerable Cruelty" (2003)
PG-rated comedy about adultery. The only sex scene involved some railroad hoes called "Santa Fe Tarts". They are canadian actress Kate Luyben, hefmag model Kitana Baker, wwe diva Camille Anderson, softporn actress Tamie Sheffield, scream queen Bridget Marquardt, maxim model Emma Harrison. There are pictures of all of them on the internet but the only one I could sort out is Kitana Baker who's the only brunette.

• Hookers: doing what comes naturally in bed, jumping up and down in their underwear.

"August 32nd on Earth" (1989)
Surreal french-canadian drama only available on dvd in asia.

• Pascale Bussieres: brassiere and upskirt.
• Joanne Cote: partial boob in suntanning bed.

Bliss season III: episode The Arrangement
Half way through the 8-episode season and not a nipple in sight.

• Pamela Sinha: partial boob.

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