Smile (1975) tells the story of the California State finals for the Young American Miss pageant, a national pageant for High School aged girls, clearly modeled after the Junior Miss Pageant. It takes place in Santa Rosa, California, and the JCs invest most of their treasury in putting it on each year. The film plays more or less as a comedy, and focuses on the contestants, the pageant sponsors and volunteers, and the social structure in the town. Some argue that it is a send-up of beauty contests, making it a black comedy, but frankly, it is just not mean enough for that, and they take a good deal of time creating some sympathetic characters for us. So, is it a light comedy? No, not really. None of the sympathetic characters do well in the end. So, taken strictly as a comedy, I would have to say that it had some brilliant, and laugh-out-loud funny moments, but not enough to make it great.

However, I don't believe that is what this film is really about. First, some background. I left Parochial school and entered public High School in my junior year. I was dealing with all of the typical teen angst, even more so as Vietnam was escalating. First period home room, during announcements, they announced the important accomplishments of students over the summer. Seems the speech club had been busy winning trophies, and a senior had been second runner up to Junior Miss USA. My first thought was, "big deal. She represented us in a national contest and blew it." Then it occurred to me that a beauty contest contestant would be worth ogling. I was amazed to discover that the beauty contestant was the rather unremarkable girl sitting in front of me. I got to know her a little, and learned enough about the contest to know that it had been a lot of work, and was a calculated move to add a big plus on her High School transcript.

Still dealing with those self-doubts born of teen angst, I made friends, many of them "important" kids such as athletes and cheer leaders. They seemed to have everything together, and I had them on pedestals. Then, one by one, they fell off. I began to realize that all these fears, doubts, and unfulfilled potentials that were so tied up in my self image had not even occurred to these over-achievers, most, if not all of whom, had money and the sort of parents who did everything for them. I was dealing with issues that they had yet to face, and the start of my self esteem was the realization that my self assessment was pretty accurate, but that those I had so much admired had not even started the journey.

The US Navy intervened, and I lost track of most of these people, but I did hear of some who fell apart in college, or had one disastrous relationship after another, and others who managed to grow up and become self-aware and well adjusted adults. This is, in my opinion, what the film is really getting at. The comedy spoof of the teen beauty pageant was just the vehicle to get us there. The main character, Big Bob (Bruce Dern), was born and raised in town, and was a model citizen with a successful business selling RVs, a wife and son, and was president of several civic organizations, and head judge for the pageant. Barbara Feldon was a serious organizer of the pageant, and unhappily married to Big Bob's best friend, Nicholas Pryor. The key to the film comes near the end, when Pryor has just taken a shot at his wife, and decided to get out of town and "find himself." He turns to Durn's character, and says, "I finally know what you are. You are a Young American Miss." In other words, Durn has had a life of privilege, was not predisposed to self-awareness, and never had to grow up, exactly like those people I had worshiped in High School. The same was true for many of the characters.

The only nudity was a boys peeking into the girls changing room scene, but included breasts from Melanie Griffith, right breast and buns from Colleen Camp, buns from Joan Prather, and a few other random breasts. IMDb readers have this at 7.4. Critics were impressed as well. As a comedy, it is a C, some very good moments, but not enough to make it rise above the heap. However, as social commentary with a comedy backdrop, it fairs much better, and is a C+.

"It's a marvel of modern filmmaking in the way it so immediately renders universal human experience almost unrecognizable."

Salon Magazine
 

Yes, Salon hit the nail right on the head. The defining characteristic of Closer is that it bears no resemblance to reality. Some people commented inappropriately that it includes no characters with which the audience can identify. That is true enough, but the reason is not because the script contains only unlikable humans. It is because the script contains no humans at all, as Salon noted. It is a four character play in which the four characters are not like any people in any way. We don't really know anything about them. Each of them speaks in flowery apothegms, polished literary witticisms, and prepared stagy phrases. Their exchanges of dialogue are not natural. Each of them invariably makes a witty and clever response when confronted in some way. They are not real people, but symbolic archetypes speaking for all men and/or women. Imagine a scenario in which each of the characters takes a turn speaking like JFK's inaugural speech.

Actors absolutely love this kind of material because it frees them from their most difficult burden, which in drama is realism. When the actors get to play symbolic characters like these, there is no such "burden of realism," since archetypical characters are not three dimensional. They are there to pontificate the proper thoughts at the proper times. For an actor, it is a return to high school dramatic interp competitions, a contest to see who can show off the most impressively.

That is pretty much indisputable. Where some critics failed in their analysis was to make the illogical leap from observing that to saying, " ... therefore, it sucks." Whaa ... ? Where is it written that the only acceptable type of character is realistic and believable? Do you believe in Homer Simpson and Mr. Burns? Do they seem real to you. Of course not. What about Shakespeare's Richard III? Do you think he is a reasonable interpretation of the character and motivations of the real Richard III? Do you  think the real king ran around declaiming Shakespearean oratory? Ditto for Blanche DuBois, Ebeneezer Scrooge, Long John Silver, Captain Ahab, Doc Holliday (the fictional version), and just about every character ever created by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Edward Albee, or Quentin Tarantino. These grandiose literary archetypes are some of the most memorable characters in the history of fiction, yet all of them are complete bullshit, all of them virtually alien life forms. In fact, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Complete bullshit, or more politely, the distillation of common human types into larger-than-life characters, is the very foundation of fiction, not to mention mythology, and possibly religion as well. If you look up "fiction" in a good dictionary, one of the definitions will be "lies."

It is not necessary to dismiss Closer as incompetent because it is artificial, contrived, superficial, and did I mention artificial. It is deliberately mannered, and there are many people who not only like this kind of play, but think that this type of contrived literary construct represents the very apotheosis of man's artistic achievements here on earth. If you are not one of those people, if you're not into that whole Edward Albee thing where the characters mercilessly strip away all the self-respect of all the other characters, it could be a real chore to watch this film. Let's assume for a moment that you're not in the Albee crowd, and you don't want to sit through a bunch of people re-creating "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" without the wit. What else does the film have to offer?

• Well, it was a stage play, so the artificial characters not only do not speak like people, but they don't even speak like movie characters, as they would in a Quentin Tarantino film. They simply speak like stage characters.

• As in many plays, there is basically no action, so don't expect to see gunfights and explosions and car chases. The biggest action scene in the film involves two characters typing back and forth in a chat room. Although ESPN covers just about every type of human competition except typing contests, I think we can all imagine how entertaining it is to watch people type. There is a good reason why ESPN doesn't think it will bring in the big numbers as a spectator sport.

• Not only do the characters in the film rarely move, but they don't even go outdoors, except briefly for the "meet cute."

• The minimal plot is forgettable and I don't think there will be anything you won't see coming, unless you fall asleep.

This type of project will inherently produce polarized reviews. The British critics (the three cited in the Guardian's summary, plus the BBC) averaged only one and a half stars, and savaged the film. On the other hand, Ebert and Berardinelli thought it was genius.

How do you determine which camp you belong to?

Well, Closer is two hours of archetypal people talking very frankly and rhetorically to one another as they stand or sit or recline inside of ordinary buildings. Making the film even more aloof is the fact that these are archetypes of cold, self-absorbed, unpleasant people. Closer was an award winning play, and the film is a gift from Mike Nichols to the people who like to see play-to-film adaptations.

• If you are one of those, you may like the film, which was praised highly by others with similar interests. It even received some pre-Oscar award buzz, and Natalie Portman won a Golden Glove for her performance.

• If you are not in that group, the film's got nothin' except Natalie Portman's bum, and the DVD has no features at all.

==============

• Natalie Portman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
• various unknown CRE's (clothing removal engineers) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Face of Terror (2003):

Dann reviewed this one the other day, and he pretty much hit the nail on the head.

There is nothing special about it. It is a by-the-numbers police procedural with a familiar plot. Cop's sister disappears in another city. He follows her there while his partner covers for him back home. The sister ran into some bad company, got into the drug scene, and ended up mixing it up with arms dealers and even a terrorist. The local cops have a million things to think about, including terrorism and interference from the CIA, so they don't have time to worry about one missing girl. Our hero, of course, has nothing else to worry about, so he gets upset with the local police and decides to solve the crime himself. In the process, he frees the world from Islamo-terrorism, and kills about half of the local underworld.

The usual stuff.

Although it is not original, neither is it incompetent. By the standards of cable and straight-to-video films, it provides a satisfactory hour and a half of mindless diversion, with the following possible points of interest:

• The hero of the film is played by Rick (aka Ricky) Schroder, former child star in the 80s (remember "Silver Spoons"?), and a member of the cast of NYPD Blue in the 90s.

• The city Rick is disrupting is Barcelona, which is one of the most photogenic cities in the world, and provides some international flavor to Schroder's "bull in a china shop" act.

• Our hero is aided by Paulina Galvez, who plays an undercover cop trying to bust the drug traffic. She is a beautiful woman with a spectacular head of hair, and she does a brief topless scene.

• Substantial topless nudity is provided by Marta Nieto, another looker who has a very impressive natural chest.

• Paulina Galvez (1, 2)
• Marta Nieto (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Other Crap:

• Google acquires Urchin Software
• "FUNNIEST STORE SLOGANS IN AMERICA!"
• Demon-Possessed Treadmill Makes Users Slip and Fall! Silly item, but funny video clip.
• Oh, praise the Lord. It is possible that I will be able to die in perfect contentment. They are trying to put together another Mr Bean movie! Bean 2: Bean's Revenge.
• My God, I am in heaven already. Not only a sequel to the Bean movie, but two incredible new TV shows!
  • Hogan Knows Best:"The show casts retired wrestler Hulk Hogan as a traditional suburban dad to two teenagers on a 20,000-square-foot estate in Clearwater, Fla. Programming chief Brian Graden was intrigued by the blond-maned grappler's 'tenderly gruff and protective' side. 'He goes to elaborate lengths to protect his daughter on her first date,' surreptitiously planting a GPS tracking device in her car." Oh, please, let Roddy Piper be the villain on this show!
  • Also on the docket: Being Bonaduce. "The series is a look at ex-Partridge Family child star Danny Bonaduce, keyed to his troubled 15-year marriage to a woman he had known just seven hours. Couples therapy sessions provide the loose framework for each episode, which then goes into the family's home. "
• Urban Legend: The plastic strip embedded in U.S. bank notes enable the Feds to tell how much money you have on you. Status: (points to people who believe that shit and laughs)
• Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Easter Egg Hunt"
• Fox denies copyright infringement for 'Kingdom of Heaven'
• Hollywood is grappling with soaring costs of filmmaking by making fewer pictures. And yet there is always plenty of money for Ewe Boll's masterpieces.
• Hilarious music video - remembering the 70s! How the hell did we tell the difference between straight guys and gays back then?
• Redford will play Branch Rickey in Jackie Robinson biopic. Redford looks nothing like Rickey. Mr Rickey was a great man in many ways, but was not movie star handsome by any stretch of the imagination. Here's a picture:

  

• 22 year old female Yalie writes Chloe Does Yale - Sex and the Ivy League

   

• 'Sin City' Premiere Sinfully Star-Studded  
• The colorful diva Courtney Love, emerging from more than a year of legal woes, has agreed to play legendary porn star Linda Lovelace in an explosive movie comeback.
• Johnnie Cochran, O.J.'s lawyer, dies of a brain tumour.
• Seeing red? Not on Ashton Kutcher's wrist. The studio spent $100,000 to make Kutcher's red Kaballah bracelet disappear digitally.
• "Move Over, Pussycat Dolls: Here Come Carmen Electra's Bombshells" The former Prince protege has started her own burlesque troupe.
• Tell them what they've won, Don Pardo!
• Silent Bob keeps an Online Diary.
• "Apprentice hottie - real estate agent Katrina Campins - pranced the entire length of the runway not realizing that she had popped out of the black and white striped jacket she was modeling."
• Calculus, Quadratic Equations Split Pennsylvania Town Over Faith-Based Mathematics (Not a real news story)
• I'll bet you guessed that Jennifer Lopez shit on Ben Affleck - but I'll bet you thought it was a figure of speech.
• Silent Bob's Diary.
• The trailer and two clips from Dust to Glory
  • "Each year fans and glory-seekers flock to Mexico for an infamous off-road race covering 1,000 miles of unforgiving territory. Dust to Glory is the story of the Baja 1000-the madness and the mayhem."
• Shatner punks Iowans. Actually a fairly interesting story.
• Madonna just can't shake the, er, habit of dressing as a nun.
• Crispin Hellion Glover's Feature Film What Is It?
• Bruce Willis shows Conan how to live life to the fullest.
• The trailer for Mad Hot Ballroom
  • Eleven-year-old New York City public school kids journey into the world of ballroom dancing and reveal pieces of themselves and their world along the way. Told from their candid, sometimes hilarious perspectives, these kids are transformed, from reluctant participants to determined competitors, from typical urban kids to "ladies and gentlemen", on their way to try to compete in the final city-wide competition. Providing unique insight into the incredible cultural diversity that is New York City, this film profiles several kids from three schools (out of 60) at this dynamic age, when becoming that "cool" teenager vies for position with familiar innocence, while they learn the Merengue, Rumba, Tango, Foxtrot and Swing.
• The trailer for A Good Woman
  • "'A Good Woman' is a scandalous yet comic story set in New York and the Italian Riviera during the 1930s. Mrs. Erlynne (Hunt) is an audacious and well-known woman of a certain age with a reputation for entertaining wealthy, married men. Leaving her problems and unpaid bills in New York, she sets sail for Italy to pursue Meg (Johansson) and Robert Windermere (Umbers), one of the most high profile couples in 1930s society. Once in Europe, she becomes embroiled in a family scandal which becomes an intriguing story of seduction, betrayal and, ultimately, surprising loyalty."
• The trailer for Stephen Tobolowsky's Birthday Party. Bizarre concept. Long explanation offered at the linked site. (Steven is better known as Needle Nose Ned, the douchebag salesman from Ground Hog Day.)
• Here's the trailer for Tony Scott's Domino
  • "Keira Knightley stars in the wild action thriller 'Domino,' the latest project from director Tony Scott ('Man on Fire,' 'Beverly Hills Cop II,' 'True Romance'). A trademark Scott film, 'Domino' presents an entertaining mix of gritty action, biting comedy and sharp visuals. The film tells the true story of Domino Harvey, daughter of legendary actor Laurence Harvey and a former Ford model who rejected her privileged Beverly Hills life to become a bounty hunter."
• Two clips from Off the Map.
  • "Across the ancient high desert landscape of northern New Mexico, an extraordinary family embarks on a lyrical journey of self-discovery that reveals unexpected moments of grace and the unpredictable but enduring nature of love. In Campbell Scott's "Off the Map," the poetry of a time and a place marked by simplicity comes into full bloom."
• The trailer for Stephen Tobolowsky's Birthday Party. Bizarre concept. Long explanation offered at the linked site. (Steven is better known as Needle Nose Ned, the douchebag salesman from Ground Hog Day.)
• Borowitz: HARVARD PRESIDENT AGREES TO WEAR DRESS FOR A YEAR. ‘Landmark Deal,’ Says Summers
• Kim Cattrall to play sex vamp in British movie.
• Sony Ordered to Halt PlayStation Sales.
• Bad news for Jacko. "The judge in Michael Jackson's child sex trial dealt a devastating blow to the star by ruling that jurors can hear details about five past abuse claims against him"
• "Multiple spies at Sony have confirmed that Thomas Hayden Church will indeed be playing SANDMAN." (In Spidey 3, for people visiting from outer space to study our quaint earthling ways.)
• Today at Uncle Scoopy's Guest House: the new DVD of Orgazmo.
• Reality TV turns ugly. "Rachel Hunter? She's spotty, fat and finished"
• License plate spray foils traffic cameras.
• Gift for the man who has everything? How about some personal luxury submarines.
• New Fantastic Four trailer.
• Shatner Pitched 'Academy' Show To Paramount: "William Shatner (James T. Kirk) last year pitched an idea to Paramount Pictures about a new Star Trek television series called The Academy, featuring adolescent versions of the Original Series triumvirate of Kirk, Spock and McCoy"
• Foxblocker.com - Shut The FOX Up!. Why would people pay money for this? Amazingly, my television came with a Fox Blocker, and I didn't even have to play the nine bucks. It's one-a them thar fancy-schmancy newfangled gee-gaws called a "remote". Just call me an early adopter.
• Weekly World News: "Dick Cheney Worked His Way Through College ... AS A NUDE MODEL"
• The Sariska is the best tiger sanctuary in the world. How do we know? Well, it must be the safest and the cleanest - because it is completely uncontaminated by tigers.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Best Sex Scene in a Mainstream Movie
For this poll it's A-list only. No skinemax or adult stuff. You'll also notice a lack of lesbian lovin'....I'm saving that for another poll.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance.

Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.

Today from the Ghost...a few video clips from "Bikini Summer II". This flick was directed and co-written by Jeff Conaway (the first and only time he attempted either profession according to the IMDb). Conaway is of course best known as Kenickie from the movie "Grease" and also as Bobby Wheeler from the sit-com "Taxi".

• B-babe and former Swedish Bikini Team Avalon Anders (zipped .wmvs). Here she is baring her robo-boobs and shows thong views while playing a dominatrix. (1, 2)

• Maureen Flaherty (zipped .wmvs). In #1 she's in a bikini and does some really bad acting. In 2 and 3 she's topless in bed. (1, 2, 3)

• Melinda Armstrong (zipped .wmvs). In links 1 and 2 we have breasts and bum in shower scenes. #3 has toplessness and a brief thong view as she goes to bed. I love the soundtrack in 2 and 3! Sounds like it was made on one of those Casio SK-1 mini-keyboards from the 80's! (1, 2, 3)

• Tracy Hutson topless while playing Marilyn Chambers. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)

• Carolyn Goff, topless and in her undies (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Joanne Boland doing some topless hippie dancing. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

• Sadie LeBlanc, we see her breasts while she's gettin' it on. (1, 2, 3)

Rachel Shelley
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

FAST FOOD NEWS: RAPPERS AND OTHER PHAT, LETHAL THINGS
Appealing To "Yo! Yo!" Dieters - Noting the popularity boost that products like Bentley, Gucci and Dom Perignon received from being mentioned by such rappers as 50 Cent, Jay Z and Snoop Dogg, McDonald's is offering top rappers money to mention McDonald's in their songs, with a payment of up to $5 every time it's played on the radio. A McDonald's spokesman told Ad Age this "reflects our appreciation and respect" for hip-hop youth culture, but that McDonald's would need to have final approval on the lyrics.

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