Is There Sex After Death? (1971) is one of those comedy sketch things with one ridiculous sketch after another. Notable cast members include Robert Downey Sr, and the Andy Warhol icon Holly Woodlawn. The premise is a sex research organization, with a central facility, and mobile crisis vans. Probably the most inspired scene is the ending one, the heterosexual finals of the world sex championships, with blow by blow narration. We have an X rated magician, who, among other things pulls 20 scarfs from a woman's vagina, and produces a mans wristwatch at the end of the scarfs. Then there is the breast enhancement clinic, interviews at a nudist colony, an on set interview with a porn producer who got his start making VD films in the army, and interviews with the dumbest men on the street ever put on film.

It is almost non-stop nudity. The cast list was huge, but I was only able to identify 4 of the women. Iris Brooks shows breasts in the breast enhancement clinic, Helen G Ross does a full frontal in the magic act, and Mar Elaine Monty and Stemanie Skura show breasts in the porno sequence. Many of the unknowns show everything, bit male and female. This is rated X, although the sex is likely all simulated, and the entire thing is intended as a comedy. It is rated 3.1 at IMDb, with only 25 votes. There are no reviews available. It was written by Buck Henry, best known for Catch 22, The Graduate, and To Die For. This is a good example of this genre, wich, thank god, seems to no longer be made, and is hence a C.

The Matrix Revolutions (2003):

Rolling Stone put it bluntly and succinctly:

At the risk of understatement, The Matrix Revolutions sucks. It's not that the final chapter in the trilogy doesn't have stunts and visual wizardry to drop your jaw. It's just that it all adds up to a supersize nothing: "the big bubkis," to lift a bit of Yiddish from the script by Andy and Larry Wachowski ...  Morpheus and Niobe are piloting a tin-can hovercraft through a sewer line, shaking their bodies to mimic a bumpy ride in a scene that would shame Ed Wood.

Needcoffee.com was even more to the point:

 ... whatever third movie you envisioned in your head, no matter how lame, has got to be better than this.

Amen, brothers. Amen.

Once upon a time there was a film called The Matrix, which came from nowhere to dazzle the world with a great concept and a stunning combination of innovative special effects and archetypal characters. It was a fairly simple movie which feature two worlds:  earthly and virtual. In the virtual world, humans seemed to be living their lives as we live them now but, in effect, that entire construct was simply a computer program (the matrix) being fed into the heads of humans who were simply being harvested for energy by machines. In the real world, the earth had grown black and dreary, covered with the infernal machines, and the very few humans left on the planet were living far underground, trying to escape detection and their seemingly inevitable vanquishment. The real humans occasionally penetrated the computer program in order to accomplish various tasks related to their hope for the eventual liberation of mankind.

Not really that confusing at all.

In the sequels, all sense of coherence is abandoned, and there are layers upon layers of reality. Have some of the machines, all looking like Agent Smith, turned against the program for some singular purpose? Or is that what the program would like us to believe? Are there other humans who live outside the Matrix? Do some of them have to do with the very creation and upkeep of the matrix? Perhaps even the humans who live outside the matrix are simply more computer illusions designed by the program to combat the natural human desire for freedom? Perhaps when a human mind struggles for freedom from the matrix, he is cast into matrix 2, where he gets the illusion that he is free from the matrix? And who the hell are the psychic and the architect and the Frenchman? Are they real? Are they part of the matrix? Are they part of the unproven matrix 2? Is this a middle word between the Matrix and reality?

I was one of the few who liked Matrix Reloaded, except for the interminable fight scenes which defied all logic. Ol' Keanu would fight someone to a virtual standstill until he decided to use his REALLY super-duper powers to triumph or leave immediately. Why didn't he just start the fight on the higher level? Because the movie would have been too short. Fight scenes padded it out to a feature length. There were some confusing elements of Reloaded, but I thought, "OK, it's a middle chapter. Its very job is to intrigue us with mysteries to be clarified in number three."

Fuggitaboudit.

Number three is just confusing gibberish. I watched it to hear the explanations and to see how everything got resolved.

I still have no idea.

The following chart says it all:

* ratio is the total gross divided by the opening weekend gross. Great word of mouth results in a high ratio.

To follow a $281 million dollar film with a $139 million dollar film is improbable under any circumstances, but seems downright impossible when the high-grossing middle chapter includes cliffhangers to be resolved in the third one. Didn't people care how it came out?

There are some explanations:

• The $281 gross for #2 was misleading. That really represents four years of anticipation and a sense that it was a must-see follow-up to one of the greatest films ever made. (The Matrix is rated #32 of all time at IMDb.) The actual advance demand for #3 wasn't as great as might be indicated by the box office for #2. The Matrix Reloaded, number 2 in the series, was already the focus of a lot of disrespect.  Indicating a lower level of interest than expected, the third one only grossed $48 million in its opening weekend, about half of what the second one grossed,

• The word of mouth on #3 itself couldn't have been much worse, so the disappointment at the starting block was reinforced by an even more disappointing distance run. You saw the comments from Rolling Stone and Need Coffee above. Those are the kinds of comments people were making at their water coolers at work. To use an old saw, "people stayed away in droves".

To answer my original question, most people didn't care how it all came out, and if they did care enough to see number three, they still don't know how it all came out ...

... and they told their friends to stay away.

Because it was a film that was both mentally and physically sloppy, filled with as many continuity problems as it was with logic problems, some reviewers expressed outright anger at the poor quality of this film.

I couldn't bring myself to feel that. All I could feel was a sense of sadness for the how much difference there was between what this film was and what it might have been, and an even greater sadness for the Wachowski brothers, who seemed to be on top of the world in the Spring of 2003, when they were known as the makers of one of the fifty best films of all time, and had been ranked #27 in Premiere's annual Power 100.

The Wachowskis' previous film before The Matrix had grossed less than four million dollars, so by the time Matrix Reloaded was about to be released, it must have seemed to them as if they had actually managed to grasp the very heavens. They seemed to have achieved every dream they could had ever had for their lives and then gone far beyond that. Now they are in danger of becoming the Phillip Michael Thomas story of their generation - going from nowhere to superstardom and universal recognition, only to disappear right back into their former obscurity when their 15 minutes expire. Unless they can pull a massive rescue job on their careers, they can forget about those power lunches with Tom Cruise and Spielberg, and should hope that Screech and Danny Bonaduce are still taking their calls.

• Monica Bellucci (not nude)

Hope Springs (2003):

This romantic comedy movie was such a bomb in Europe that al Qaeda was jealous. Based on the reaction of the London press and public (think lynch mob), and the fact that none of the three stars has any significant box office appeal in North America, the film was never released theatrically in America.

I guess you may know why I watched it. If not - Heather Graham does a lengthy nude scene. The film is rated PG-13, so you know the editing was designed to hide everything, but I counted on either the power of the pause button or the presence of deleted scenes.

general result: unsatisfactory. No deleted scenes, no bum, no nipples, no crotch. Only the sides of breasts and a top half of one of Heather's areola.

• Heather Graham (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Minnie Driver (1, 2)

Two wmv's:

• I think Supergirl is adorable. Here's Helen Slater in House in the Hills
• Speaking of hills, here is a scientific experiment upon hills by flashbulbs. The hills in question are attached to Christina Ricci.

OTHER CRAP:

• Fokking Beer: "According to web lore, there is a microbrewery in the Northeast which produces a very fine pilsener, using their family name and their best German brewing methods. Their marketing, however, is modern and American. Here are some of the best Fokking slogans you'll ever hear. "
• Here's the episode that started it all: Killing Spree I. If you like it, you'll find several more on their site.
• Here is a new behind-the-scenes featurette about Van Helsing
• Masturbation increases life expectancy. Bill Maher is immortal.
• Jackie said JFK sucked in the sack. Or didn't suck in the sack, because if he sucked than he wouldn't suck. ... oh, no, get Shatner on the line. I've fallen for the Mudd's Robot Paradox again.
• Donald Trump beats chicken at tic-tac-toe. In other news, President Bush defeated a slug at Chutes and Ladders. Well, at least he would have if the slug had played fair.
• Greenland - Miami Beach of the future. And the property is still so inexpensive. The article sounds pretty scary until you realize that they are talking about the year 3004, not 2004.
• Steve Guttenberg to star in Police Academy 8. When asked to comment, sportscaster Marv Albert was heard to exclaim "Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!"
• Buzkashi results: Al Qaeda Upset in Regional Final, Won't Make Final Four
• The Afghan National Sport of Buzkashi. This is a real game, played with a headless goat carcass instead of a ball, which relects the pride, heritage, courage, and general insanity of the Afghanis. Hey, back in school, we used to go at it playground style, skins against turbans.
• Internet evangelism. "I really think that if Jesus were around today, he would have a blog." You mean he's not speaking through me? I felt him guiding my hands. "Render therefore unto Gates the things that are Gates's" Oh, wait. I think they mean Jesus Christ, not Jesus Rivera. Never mind.
• The Sun presents the alleged text messages between Becks and Beccs. Either that, or they bought an old issue of Penthouse Forum. Hot stuff.
• The head of the Coors brewing empire, Pete Coors, will be a Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate this fall. The conservative Republican is one Coors who likes Bush.
• President Bush tries to do math in his head.
• A new DVD player automatically skips sexual content, graphically violent scenes and language deemed offensive. I don't want that one, but I want the exact opposite one that ONLY plays the sex, violence, and offensive contents.
• The worst scam ever - and it works: conmen take victims on 'magic' money ride
• FANTASTIC FOUR director revealed! Also, learn who's in negotiations to star! Unexpected choice!
• Ted Kennedy leads poetry reading. Y'know, I can't think of anything that could make modern poetry better than being read by Senator Kennedy. The Senator defined the greatest challenge to modern verse as the need to create more rhymes for "Bush sucks". Sure, "tush tucks" and "tush-fucks" and even "push bucks" are good, but there's a whole new linguistic world out there, and we need the new T.S. Eliot to explore it.
• One of the great mysteries of aviation solved - parts from Saint-Exupery's 1944 wreck have been found. Interestingly, he has been playing bridge for all these years with Amelia Earhart and Glenn Miller, and they have been desperate for a fourth.
• ChiTown takes reality TV to the next level.
• Still images and posters from Troy
• The Daily Show looks at The Sadr House Rules
• The international trailer for Blind Horizon: "Val Kilmer will play the lead role of 'Frank,' a gunshot amnesia victim who warns a small town sheriff about an assassination plot against the President during his campaign tour, and must uncover a conspiracy and his role in the plot."
• A Mexican woman gave herself a c-section.
• Houston Texan cheerleader tryouts
• Arena Football cheerleaders: Albany Conquest cheer/dance team - the Treasures.
• NHL season final power rankings: Red Wings enter postseason on top
• The adventures of Clovis the Sweeper in the land of Joe Cartoon. Strange, funny stuff.
• Urban Legends is asked: "Does a Ford SportKa commercial shows a cat being decapitated by a sunroof"
• Doonesbury in hot water for having the Prez refer to Dr. Rice as "Brown Sugar"
• Fans: 'Alamo' Movie Heroes Not Heroic Enough
• The trailer for the gimmicky comedy, 13 Going on 30
• Queen Elizabeth II of Britain cast a pall over her state visit to Paris today by referring to the French people as "you bloody wankers" and launching into a profanity-laden speech that threw the future of Anglo-French relations into doubt.
• EarthCam - Webcam Network- a gazillion live feeds
• You think you're a nerd? This guy is already in line for Episode Three.
• See ACTION COMICS NO. 1 in its entirety - a cultural treasure. (Superman's origin)
• Roseanne regrets being a rumpgap.
• FallonFey.com - has now added the Weekend Update from the April 3 show.
• More incredibly dumb-lookin' but sexy stills from Catwoman. (Could this be a Razzie contender with Garfield, Mask 2, and that Gere/J-Lo film?)
• Administration wages war on porno.
• Hubter S Thompson on the NCAA - The big finale was a big disappointment
• Precise statistical analysis shows file sharing does not hurt CD sales: "Peer-to-peer (P2P) sharing of music files over the internet does not hurt new music sales, contrary to what some music companies fear, a new study shows. 'Downloads have an effect on sales which is statistically indistinguishable from zero, despite rather precise estimates,' authors Felix Oberholtzer of the Harvard Business School and Koleman Strumpf of the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill wrote."
• For fanatics, The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus Megaset: all 45 episodes in chronological order, on 14 DVDs.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Patsy Kensit

Patsy is living proof to Americans that not every Englishwoman has Shakespearian acting credentials.

• Here she is in Timebomb. (.avi version,  .wmv version). The cast of this movie includes one of the girls from Petticoat Junction, and boxer Ray Boom-Boom Mancini. I haven't seen it, but even Patsy must seem like Judi Dench in that company.

• Here she is in Angels and Insects. Hey, she may be no match for Dame Dench with Iambic Pentameter, but one must concede she looks much better naked. (.avi version,  .wmv version).

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmvversions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• Kathryn Erbe, the co-star of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" is topless in a couple of scenes. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Kathryn Erbe, a vid of each topless scene. (1, 2)

• Kristina Robbins, nekkid bowling. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
• Kristina Robbins, nekkid bowling video clip.

Next...a few bonus .wmv files.

• Julie Benz, topless in a sex scene from the movie "Darkdrive" (1996).
• Sheryl Lee, rear nudity from the John Carpenter movie "Vampires" (1998).
• Tonie Perensky, doing a little topless dancing in scenes from "Varsity Blues" (1999).

Valérie Quennessen
(1, 2)

COSMO GIRLS GO SPIRITUAL, BUT SHOPPING STILL #1 RELIGION
Not Much Mind To Read - Cosmopolitan, the magazine of sex, fashion and shopping, is adding a column on spirituality. Editor Hannah Borno said, "I've come to the painful realization that men and shoes are not enough to make me happy. The key to true contentment lies elsewhere." Borno said Cosmo readers don't want a lot of "mystical baggage;" they want tips and techniques they can use and info on religions celebrities follow, such as Madonna's involvement in Kabbalah. This "supermarket spirituality" was borne out in a poll cited by Borno, who said over half of Cosmo readers believe in the accuracy and tarot cards and palm-reading, and 38 percent believe in mind-reading.