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"Requiem for a Vampire", from Tuna

I'm talked out on Jean Rollin movies. I don't even remember which one this is. I think it's "Vierges et vampires", which I saw in the U.S. as "Caged Virgins". You can bet that it involves two inseparable wide-eyed innocent girls with no home, vampires, clown make-up, lonely old castles. If I remember right, the distinguishing marks of this one are: nobody says a word for the first 40 minutes there isn't very much sex, lesbian or otherwise The vampire is kind of a sad, lonely, pathetic dude rather than a figure of menace.

Thumbnails Marie-Pierre Castel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Mireille D'Argent (we also saw her yesterday, in clown makeup) (1, 2, 3) the obligatory twosome (1, 2, 3) Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

"Caddyshack", from Tuna

I ain't talkin' about this one. If there is anyone out there who can't do the voice, and impersonate Bill Murray recalling his famous 18 holes with the Dalai Lama (Big hitter, the Lama), well shame on you. And a pox on you. And fie on you as well. Whatever that means.

Thumbnails Cindy Morgan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) unidentified (1, 2, 3)

"Incognito", from Johnny Web

This movie had great promise. After all, it's a fascinating subject, and a truly high-risk proposition. Could the world's greatest art forger create an "Undiscovered Rembrandt" and completely fool the art world? And would his partners let him live to tell about it? Terrific premise.

And I really enjoyed the set-up phase, which detailed all the things you'd have to think about to create a Rembrandt. How would you fool modern-day chemical and x-ray analysis? What would your subject be? The forger does his homework and determines that there was a famous portrait of Rembrandt's father which was probably lost in a shipwreck off the coast of Spain. He decides to recreate the painting, using all the same brushes available to Rembrandt, creating all his pigments exactly as Rembrandt did, melting down old lead figurines so that the lead in the paint will be the right age. Great stuff.

Unfortunately, the film fails miserably when it switches from an art theory lesson to a thriller. The plot has holes in it so large that Joe Eszterhas could spot them. Here's the most obvious. He's on trial in an English court for murder and stealing a Rembrandt. By a deus ex machina plot twist, he's exonerated from the murder rap when one of the bad guys unexpectedly double-crosses the other. Next scene, we find out that the whole world thinks it's a legit Rembrandt, yadda yadda yadda, it ends up hanging in the Prado, he lives happily ever after, yadda yadda yadda. See the problem? Obviously he was cleared of the murder charge, but what happened to the charge of stealing a fifty million dollar painting? His defense was that it wasn't a Rembrandt, that he painted it, and that it actually belonged to him because the bad guys never even paid him for it. But nobody believed him, either in court or after the trial. Everybody is totally convinced that it is a Rembrandt, and therefore he was guilty of stealing it from its rightful owners.

Remember last week we read about the guy who got 16 years in a Texas prison for stealing a Snickers. Compare that to having the charges dropped for stealing a Rembrandt. Here's a tip for you criminal youngsters - live in England, not Texas.

In addition to the penalty thing, there are other reasons why you criminals should live in England: Most English police are not armed. If they want you to stop, they holler "halt, in the name of the crown", or some such thing. English criminals actually do halt, in the name of fair play, and out of respect for the monarchy. But you don't care about that crap. Just shoot the silly blighters and continue with the crime of your choice. Take the regular work week off and relax in Brighton. The London police are working then, and they are actually quite clever. But English police don't do any more work on Sunday than the rest of the people in the country. To rob a jeweler, just wait until Sunday, during a big soccer match is best, and drive your car right up on the sidewalk in front of his shop, break his windows, take what you want, and drive off. It might be better if you do it from a taxi to make sure you don't get lost in the tricky London streets. The police will be by on Monday to see what all the fuss was about. Even if they catch you, they will drop the charges if you steal less than the value of a Rembrandt.

Irene Jacob. These images were either blurry or ill-lit. Not one really good image of the lovely Ms Jacob. (1, 2) Maja Otessen