Cheerleader Massacre (2003 video) is a Jim Wynorski slasher offering which accomplishes something I would not have thought possible. It stands out as a particularly bad film compared to others in the genre. Before opening credits, he gets the important first cliches out of the way. A couple is camping. She flashes tits, then hears a noise. He goes out to check. When he returns, they start to have sex, which we all know means they will die soon. They hear another noise, he goes out, walks behind a tree, and dies. Someone slashes the tent with a butcher knife, she runs trips over her dead boyfriend, and is impaled by the killer. We don't see the killer, mostly because he wasn't even on location. As a matter of fact, I think they made this plot up as they went along.

Cut to cheerleaders, then immediately to the all important girls shower scene. Most of the cheerleaders leave on a bus for some unknown reason, but one of them is slashed in the bathroom before they leave. Since the school is miles from the last murder by the escaped mental patient, we now know that there are two separate murderers. Please remember to be surprised when they show us this at the end. The bus has car trouble, and the girls, their leader, and three guys start hiking up a mountain in the snow in the hope of using their cell phones.

Meanwhile, the escaped mental patient is killing everyone he sees. The kids find a mountain cabin, the adult leader takes a shower, and the kids settle around a fireplace, while one of them tells a "ghost story," which is actually some footage shot for a different film that was so bad they gave up after a few days of shooting. You get the idea. One of the girls, and one of the guys, slip off to have sex, and cheerleaders and guys start getting killed.

Taimi Sheffield as the leader shows breasts and buns in her shower scene.
Rikki Ray as the first victim shows breasts in the opening scene.
Charity Rahmer shows breasts and buns in a shower scene
Diana Espin shows breasts, buns, and most of her bush in the shower scene, and breasts in the sex scene.

The DVD has a feature length commentary, and did relate one interesting fact. They learned on the way to location that Diana Espin was a hard core star but hadn't bothered to tell them.

IMDB readers have this a 1.1 of 10. A single 10 from a non-US voter greatly raised the score above the minimum of 1, and I am suspicious that that vote was an error. The film not only recycles footage from other films, but recycled the score from Humanoids from the Deep.They were allowed to use the score, but one requirement was that they not credit the composer by his usual name. The film was shot on digital video with nearly nothing but shaky cam, and was full of motion blur. The murders were essentially bloodless, and mostly off screen, despite the word "Massacre" in the title. This is an F.

Movies:

Instinct to Kill (2001)

Instinct to Kill is a straight-to-vid with Mark Dacascos, Missy Crider,  and Tim Abell.

Abell is a serial murderer who breaks out of the aptly titled "California Institute for the Criminally Insane" (CICI!) They have a paper sign with those words posted on the gate of what looks like the suppliers' delivery gate of a Home Depot. High budget film!

When Abell escapes, he must then follow the serial murderer's code, requiring him to kill everyone he used to know, since they all either contributed to his incarceration or spoke badly of him after he was locked up. He leaves behind a greater body count than the Battle of Stalingrad before finally locating his ex-wife (Crider) and her bodyguard (Dacascos).

Miss Crider appears to have an outstanding, slim body with large breasts, but she's never exposed it on film. In this movie she does a shower scene and a sex scene, and never shows a  thing! In the shower scene the camera even slips down a bit too far, showing us that she's wearing a bandeau! Some full frontal and rear nudity was provided by Tracy Ryan as Crider's former high school cheerleading colleague, whose role in the plot, as far as I can tell, was to remove her clothing, thus supplying the straight-to-vid minimum nudity requirements.

C-. This no-budget effort must have pretty darned close to the cheapest-ever make-up and sets, and is a watchable straight-to-vid for only two reasons (1) Abell is solid as the insane guy (2) Tracy Ryan's sexy nude scene.

• Tracy Ryan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Waking Up in Reno (2002)

Waking Up in Reno has pretty close to an A-list cast (Billy Bob Thornton, Charlize Theron, Natasha Richardson, Patrick Swayze, Penelope Cruz) in an unambitious dramedy about a redneck roadtrip. Thornton and Richardson are a couple having marital problems. Theron and Swayze are their kind hearted but none-too-bright best friends. They all take a trip to Reno together. Theron's character is so compassionate that she ends up giving Billy Bob some mercy humpin' in a burst of emotion, thus setting in motion a chain of events that will lead to the magic moment that happens in all such films. Theron has been trying for months to get pregnant. She finally does, announcing it to the other couple at breakfast proudly and joyfully just as her husband is on the phone in the adjoining bedroom  - getting bad news from his fertility clinic. He tells everyone. Glances exchange. Everybody figures everything out. You know the drill.

The film starts out as a not-too-funny redneck farce comedy, but eventually makes a major tone shift and becomes a not-even-tryin'-to-be-funny soap opera, then takes another left turn into a Hollywood happy ending.

This a a C- movie with a B+ cast. How did they get these people to agree to do this script? The British girl, Natasha Richardson, actually did a very good job with the Arkansas accent, and Penelope Cruz couldn't really mess up because she only had about four lines, playing a Puerto Rican hooker in the casino lounge. I can understand how the other four might have gotten involved in this project, because they got major roles in the film, and probably respectable paychecks, but Cruz must be desperate for work, because this miniscule part would normally have gone to a scale actress, and would have been filmed in an hour or two. Her lines consisted entirely of stock Hispanic character fluff  like "I don' thin' ju can ah-ford me" and "Matches? I don' need no stinkin' matches". Maybe I imagined the second phrase, but she really said the first one.

There isn't any nudity, but Theron and Richardson frequently looked sexy. There is a pretty good look at Theron's buns in the deleted scenes.

• Charlize Theron (1, 2)
• Charlize Theron in the deleted scenes (1, 2, 3)
• Natasha Richardson
• Penelope Cruz

Other crap:

• J-Lo and Affleck to remake Casablanca. What can you say to make that funnier?
• Charlotte Church smoking and sunbathing. The Sun is there
• If you saw former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell in Wal-Mart, without her make-up, would you recognize her? I doubt it.
• the child support saga of Jim Carrey: Rich Dude.
• the latest cast of The Odd Couple - George Jefferson and Mr Miyagi
• according to Snopes,  Soupy Sales never sneaked any blue material into his show
• The Sun also does war reporting. Their reporter was with the troops in Saddam's downtown palace
• The complete glossary of perversion
• the perfect gift for anyone - electronic Hulk Hands
• Wayne Vaughn, whose hits include "Let's Groove Tonight" for Earth, Wind And Fire, says Anna Nicole Smith is a bonafide singing idol, and will promote her career with his music.
• the Terminator 3 chick
• test prep courses that are really worth it  - because they have the actual test questions
• Brosnan offers Bill Clinton a role in the next James Bond film, presumably inducing him with Pussy Galore.
• Create a Fart. Probably Roberto Benigni's favorite web page.
• Kermit teaches youngsters how to roll a joint
• Professional advice for the Iraqi Information Minister
• Cher to do a farewell tour this summer.

Mailbox:

Scoop - Concerning the Cindy Adams/New York Post item regarding Roman Polanski being furious at Adrien Brody for not thanking the
director at the Oscars, there's one big problem with Ms. Adams' article - Brody did indeed thank Polanski in his acceptance speech. I
know because I taped it, and I went back to the tape to check it out: "I'd like to thank Roman Polanski for the role of a lifetime."  Polanski may be mad at Brody, but it wasn't for that, or else Polanski is profoundly deaf. Either way, Cindy Adams should be ashamed of herself for not doing her homework prior to writing this article.
 

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Secretary" is a romance, maybe the most bizarre romance I've ever seen; it could have been written by Stephen King. I liked this movie because it was so different and unpredictable; you'll have to judge for yourself.

Paz Vega

• Joanna Going, huge collages showing plenty of breast and bum exposure. (1, 2, 3)

• Cameron Diaz, showing a bit of wonderbra cleavage.

• Deborah Kara Unger, great collages full of cleavage. (1, 2, 3)

• Irina Björklund, topless and far off frontal and rear nudity. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Saara Hilpinen and Tarja Saikkonen, gettin' it on in an orgy scene. (1, 2)

• Niina Kurkinen, gettin' it from behind. (1, 2)

• Matleena Kuusniemi, Irina Björklund and Laura Malmivaara, all three show rear nudity and there is also an occasional breast peak.

• Matleena Kuusniemi, topless and full frontal nudity. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

• Laura Malmivaara, all 3 B's (including some fantastic rear views) and a BJ scene. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Kirsi Tarvainen, rear nudity and gettin' it on.

The UK actress topless in the BBC production of "The Other Boleyn Girl". Jodhi is probably best known as Madeline Stowe's sister in "Last of the Mohicans".

WINONA RYDER FINISHES COMMUNITY SERVICE
Get 'Em While They're Hot! - Monday, a Los Angeles judge praised Winona Ryder for completing her 480 hours of community service at a hospital. But he was cool to her idea that she hold a charity auction of the clothes she was accused of stealing.