The Velocity of Gary (1998) is a dying man gay romantic comedy/tragedy. Were it not for the advance knowledge that I would see a breasts from Salma Hayek before it was over, that would have been enough to put me off watching it entirely. The story involves a triangle between Salma, bi boyfriend Vincent D'Onofrio, and his boyfriend, Thomas Jane. For most of the film, D'Onofrio is dying of aids, and Hayek and Jane were trying to find ways to be with him and not kill each other. As if all this was not enough, they decided to give Hayek aids, which she discovered at the same time she found out she was pregnant.

IMDb readers say 4.4 of 10. Ebert gives two stars, a very low score for him. Hayek is worth watching, but she was the only thing about this film that was. D.

Truck Turner (1974):

Truck Turner is one of the better known blaxploitation films from the Seventies. Isaac Hayes wrote the music, as usual, but this time he also stepped in front of the cameras as well, playing the anti-hero, Mack "Truck" Turner.

Truck is a tough-ass skip tracer, one of those guys who tracks down the guys who skip bail. In the first act, Truck and his partner track down an abusive pimp named Gator. About 90% of the first half of the movie consists of the chase scenes as they follow Gator on foot and in their car. In the process of the capture, the pimp is finally shot and killed.

There is then a transitional scene which sets up the rest of the film. Hoo-boy, the pimp's woman is really upset, and she's one tough "rhymes with witch", so she calls a meeting of all the pimps in Los Angeles, and promises them all that the man who kills Truck Turner can have Gator's entire stable of hookers.

The second half of the movie basically consists of Truck defending himself against her contract, by shooting a long succession of guys wearing very silly hats. (See example on the Review Page)

The plot development in this movie is virtually non-existent. I just told you 100% of it. After the last Huggy Bear clone bites the dust, there is an abrupt edit and we see Truck just drivin' along in his car while some cool jazz plays in the background and the credits roll.

Of course, the intricacies of plotting have never been all that critical to this genre. When these Blaxpolitation movies work best, they feature a lot of funny trash talk, great music, and cool characters. I'd say this one was about average in all respects. Isaac and the main bad guy, played by Yaphet Kotto, were pretty cool, the music was OK but unmemorable. The trash talk was sometimes pretty funny, but there just wasn't enough of it.  Overall, it's an average genre film. I think it would have been a better film if they had cut back on the car chases and gunfights in order to make the characters more colorful and memorable.

I suppose the most memorable thing about this movie is that it featured Star Trek's Nichelle Nichols (Uhura) in a dress that seemed to be made out of crepe paper.

• Nichelle Nichols (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Annik Borel (1, 2)

Leaving Metropolis (2002):

A handsome, struggling young artist takes a job as a waiter in a Canadian diner. The proprietors of the diner are a young married couple. Gradually, the artist turns the marriage into a love triangle.

Now I'll bet you're thinking he seduces the wife, right?

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Wrong.

Leaving Metropolis is probably the Citizen Kane of gay-themed movies set in Winnipeg.

The artist gets the hots for the husband, and this awakens hubby's latent feelings for men. After a couple of weeks and a few erotic paintings of the husband, the two of them are in bed pounding the living santorum out of one another. Also populating the cast are a tranny, a drag queen, and the usual assortment of types from the movie version of the gay subculture.

It isn't really a "gay" film in the sense that if you take away all those extraordinary non-traditional types of people, this is just a traditional boring film about a love triangle. You could probably take the same dialogue and make the same film with all straight types, just by changing the names and sexes of the characters and making some minor edits.

The tone is not managed well. The film couldn't decide whether it was going for comedy or drama, basically settling for neither. The tone problems were exacerbated by some of the actors (notably the husband) who were at the furniture commercial level.

The title derives from a running theme about Superman which seemed particularly artificial and half-baked. All the characters follow Superman in the newspaper and the comic books, and their is a halfhearted attempt to relate the husband's shaky heterosexuality to the Clark Kent portion of his personality. This is based on something that must have been based on a running theme in the comics - something about Clark Kent insisting that Lois must marry him as Clark Kent before he reveals his secret identity as Supes. The script is a screen adaptation of a play called Poor Superman, which was written by the films writer/director, and I suppose all of that Superman jazz had been a more developed motif in the play. It seemed irrelevant in the movie, and it was quite a stretch to try to believe that all the characters in the story were as up to speed as they seemed to be on the latest developments in the ongoing Superman soap opera.

• Cherilee Taylor. She was also naked quite a bit in the Canadian TV series Paradise Falls. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Sharpe's Enemy (1995):

Although I characteristically rambled on about People Magazine and the Napoleonic Wars and such fiddle-faddle in the Long Review, our guest reviewer, New York Guy, gave it one crotch up, and had the most perceptive analysis. "Hey, I got your review right here (grabs crotch) ... Liz Hurley's tits."

• .wmv video clip. Hurley drops her blouse for double oh six.
• Hurley's boobies fall partially out when she is engaged in some rasslin' with that Sex Machine, Pete Postlethwaite.

Jolene Blalock:

Back in 2001, when The Diamond Hunters appeared on cable TV as a two-part series, nobody paid much attention to it. They promoted it with purple prose like this, "Set against the background of South Africa's emerald coast and diamond mines, Diamond Hunters traces the torrid fortunes of a family unable to forgive and forget."

In a world gone ...

One man ...

You get the idea. It was Dallas with diamonds instead of oil.

The show is now a little higher on the radar since it featured some PG-13 love scenes and nudity from Jolene Blalock, who is now a semi-famous Vulcan.

Here are three examples in .wmv format:

1. This sex scene seems to be the real deal, dark, but with some shadowed breasts.

2. In this apres-sex scene, Blalock gets out of bed for some dark PG-13 nudity.

3. This one is in good light, but the nudity is obviously bogus. It's cut so ineptly that you can see the flesh-colored bandeau or whatever was covering her breasts.

One more .wmv:

• Cute clip of Katherine Heigl and Gerard Depardieu in "My Father the Hero"

NOTE:

• Charlie (French Cinema) sent in his update, but there was a glitch. Will have it up soon, as soon as I head back from him.

OTHER CRAP:

• Tales of The Last Action Governor. While on vacation, the Governator saved a man's life.
• JoBlo interviews Elisha Cuthbert  
• The real Gidget - still surfin' at 63. Most people (including me until ten minutes ago) think Gidget is a purely fictional character, but such is not the case. The book, a mixture of fact and fiction, was written by Gidget's father, who was a professional writer.
• Rush Limbaugh's attorney argued Wednesday that investigators trampled the conservative commentator's privacy rights when they made a surprise visit to a doctor's office to seize his medical records. Get this - he argues that there should have been advance notice that the records would be seized. His lawyer "argued that investigators should have provided some notice they were going to seize records containing private information." Yup, that's a time-honored police tactic to get evidence - tell the accused that you're going to search for incriminating documents next Thursday.
• Mexicans don;t much care for the Alamo. Come to think of it, Americans aren't that crazy about it either. And if any Estonians see it, they will probably react the same way.
• Russian team banned from Little League World Series for cheating. They might have gotten away with their ringer players if that had come up with uniforms to fit them, but Pete Rose actually showed up playing first base for the Russians in his Reds uniform. Rose wants to know if he can take back his bets on the team.
• Janet Jackson will be live on 'SNL' - really: NBC says it won't use delay during singer's hosting stint.
• The Star reports: JOHN STAMOS AND REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS HAVE SEPARATED
• Ex-Enron CEO picked up, hospitalized, after reports of erratic behavior
• Forget the movies. Here's "how safecracking really works".
• Confessional books, web cams, and reality TV have turned us all into Mrs Kravitz.
• Two Atlanta DJs fired for airing sexual content.
• Four clips and the trailer (click on "videos") from Callas Forever, a new film from Zeffirelli. A fictionalized look at the final days of opera legend Maria Callas (Fanny Ardant). A "Faustian" impressario and booking agent (Jeremy Irons) enters Maria's life, convincing her to make an ill-fated comeback.
• The trailers for the French film, Love Me If You Dare: "Julie and Sophie start the game of life with a simple bet. The rules are simple; they have to accept all the challenges they present each other. They grow up and the game continues."
• Three new cliips from The Punisher
• The trailer for the Denzel Washington remake of The Manchurian Candidate.
• Extreme Christians: Filipino Christians Nailed To Cross In Bloody Ritual. Amazingly enough, this is a tradition, and has nothing to do with Gibson's movie. In fact, the God Max movie may have scared some of them off, but it apparently increased the number of spectators.
• Methodist Church holds competition to name the 11th commandment.
• Here's a fun game. Guess Which New York Paper Rupert Murdoch Owns
• Actress Carrie Snodgress, Oscar nominated for Diary of a Mad Housewife, has died at 57.
• GALLUP: War Support Drops; Bush, Kerry in Dead Heat. The most important change in this poll is in the percentage of Americans who feel that Iraq is going well or moderately well, which dropped to 35% from last month's 55%.
• Stop FCC - "Fed up with the government deciding what you can watch, read and listen to?" HQ for the fight against censorship.
• The Knightengales, cheer/dance team for the Macon Knights.
• Fox cancels 'Wonderfalls'. The series, set in the Niagara Falls area, was canceled because of low ratings. It had its final showing last week."
• You say you love lard, and just never get enough of it? Crisco presents: The American Pie Council - piecouncil.org.
• Funny Euro commercial: Think twice what to do with your last Rolo.
• I never thought I would see these two words together: "Nascar ballet"
• Get chicken the way you want it.
• Dangerous space rocks under watch. Asteroid protection plan proposed, Allstate and Bruce Willis to be involved.
• Zombies guitarist, later record producer, dead at 58: "Paul Atkinson, who played guitar in the British invasion band The Zombies and later became a successful music industry executive who signed such acts as ABBA, died Thursday, said his publicist Susan Clary. He was 58."
• Movie Stills from the new Pixar movie, The Incredibles
• The Germans and Dutch really take this rivalry seriously.
• You get the house, the kids, the baby grand, and now you want my Masters Tickets? The gloves are off now!
• Cubs curse is officially over, thanks to an Alaskan curse-removal ceremony.
• The official home page of Lena Blackburne Baseball Rubbing Mud
• Get a good seat at Yankee Stadium. City officials announced Thursday that they are selling some 1,200 discarded seats from Yankee Stadium.
• A Belgian motorist was left stunned after authorities sent him a speeding ticket for travelling in his Mini at three times the speed of sound.
• 24 New Complaints After Arrest of Tigger-Costumed Man
• Jenna Jameson makes FHM sexiest list for fourth consecutive year
• SCREEN IT! presents the sex and nudity report from THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
• The Mouseketeer was chosen FHM's sexiest woman of 2004. One reader wrote, "click on the first picture on the left hand side…the one of her on the car?? Is that a nipple I see slipping out? Probably just my hopeful imagination, but wow that really freaks my eyes out!!" (Also check out the third picture from the right to see the top of her bum.)
• Ingmar Bergman hates to watch his own films, pretty much like everyone else.
• JoBlo's movie review of The Whole Ten Yards: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think he liked it. "I spit on Hollywood for making this bogus, useless, unfunny, uncharming, unnecessary piece of shit and ask anyone who's reading this to avoid this movie at all costs in a very genuine attempt to send a small message back to the clowns in expensive suits who apparently believe that this is the sort of 'entertainment' that we would ever want or appreciate"
• This week's movies: the bomb of the year so far: The Whole Ten Yards (2004): 3% positive reviews, 0% from the top critics. Even more impressive, it put up those numbers without Ben Affleck, Madonna, or Roberto Benigni!
• This week's movies: Ella Enchanted (2004): 40% positive reviews
• This week's movies: Johnson Family Vacation (2004): 9% positive reviews. This one is in Gigli territory.
• This week's movies: The Alamo: 28% positive reviews
• This week's movies: The Girl Next Door (2004): 66% positive reviews.
• Latino Review looks at the fourth draft of the script for Fantastic Four. They liked it.
• There is a brand-new trailer for Spider-Man 2
• Astronomy Pic o' the Day: Magnificent spiral galaxy NGC 4565 is viewed edge-on from planet Earth.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Kim Basinger

• Has there ever been a sexier scene than this? I think it would get my vote for the #1 spot. Basinger removing men's clothing in the rain in 9 1/2 Weeks. (.avi version,  .wmv version).

• In her prime, Kim must have been one of the top ten sex goddesses. Here she is with her then-husband Alec Baldwin in the remake of The Getaway. (.avi version,  .wmv version).

Still in theaters

• Angelina Jolie in Taking Lives. (.avi version,  .wmv version).

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmvversions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

A few quick paparazzi edits today...

• Alanis Morissette, showing some cleavage.

• Catherine Bell...Catherine the Great, also showing cleavage.

• Elisha Cuthbert, not showing much cleavage here, but give her time.

• Eugenia Volodina, the Victoria's Secret model baring a breast on the runway.

• Kate Beckinsale, yup, you guessed it, some more cleavage. (1, 2, 3)

Here is Anouschka Renzi performing on stage in "Peer Gynt", written in 1867 by Norwegian author Henrik Ibsen, now directed by Peter Zadek in Berlin. Just got big headlines and enthusiastic reviews.

• Susan Ward (1, 2, 3, 4)

Next up, scenes from the the Spanish movie "La Voz de su amo" (2001).

• Ana Otero, topless and only wearing panties. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Silvia Abascal, looking gorgeous in undies (links 1 and 2) then giving up all the goodies in links 3-6. #6 has the best light. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"The Osterman Weekend"
This cold-war spy thriller from 1983 has a lot going for it, but unfortunately a lot going against it as well. The last film directed by Sam Peckinpah, from a novel by Robert Ludlum, with some pretty big-name stars, this film should have been teriffic, and parts of it were. Unfortunately, the film was uneven. While there was plenty of heart-pounding excitement, there were some lulls that made the viewer lose interest, and it never quite kept up to it's promise, although it still deserves a watch.

The host of a TV expose show hosts a weekend for a group of friends every year. They call them "Ostermans" after one of the friends. When the C.I.A. informs him that the friends are really a cell of Soviet agents, and offers proof in the form of a video surveillance tape, he agrees to allow his home to be bugged. What he doesn't know is that the conspiracy is not exactly what was reported to him, and the C.I.A. agent has his own agenda.

The female stars did some nice nudity, with the exception of Meg Foster. Clearly, her intent was not to do nudity, but in fact, if you look carefully, you'll see she did show a nipple in a few frames of the "dressing" scene. You couldn't really see it in motion, but it showed up clearly in the frame-by-frame.

• Cassie Yates
• Helen Shaver
• Meg Foster
• Merete Van Kamp

J-LO'S ACTING HONOR SPLITS LATINOS
Enough! - The New York Post's Page Six reports that the Latino community is torn over the choice of Jennifer Lopez as the first Latina actress to be interviewed on Bravo's "Inside the Actor's Studio." Fans sat she can't be a lousy actress because she's made 27 movies with big name actors and is a huge star. Detractors say she's a marginal singer/dancer whose few good movies like "Out of Sight" are "hiccups" in a string of clunkers like "Enough" and "Gigli." They say she's famous mostly for her butt and her high-profile love life, and they can't believe the Actors Studio couldn't find a more deserving interviewee.