Waiting for Messiah (2000) is a Spanish/Italian/Argentine co-produced character driven drama set in Buenos Aries. The story centers on Ariel Goldstein (Daniel Hendler), a young Jewish man, son of a restaurant owner, expected to marry Estela (Melina Petriella), and take his traditional place in the family. A world-wide stock market crash puts all of the plot elements in motion. Santamaria is a bank employee, suddenly unemployed, and consequently kicked out by his wife, who resorts to purse snatching, then returning the ID for a reward, who begins a seduction of the attendant in the ladies room of a train station where he goes each night to clean up. She is waiting for her husband to get out of jail on a robbery conviction. Santamaria snatches Goldstein's mother's purse, shortly before her death, and contacts Goldstein to return the ID.

Goldstein is not pleased with what he perceives to be the box society has placed him in, and lands a job at a TV station, where he meets Laura (Chiara Caselli), who is a TV personality with a show highlighting ordinary people. She is try-sexual, currently living with Annie (Dolores Fonzi). Annie is openly gay and looking for commitment. Laura longs for her estranged father, who promises to visit, but never does. These colorful characters interact with each other is mostly predictable ways. Laura and Ariel get together, Laura interviews Santamaria for her show, and Ariel eventually "outgrows" his Jewish heritage. Estela waits patiently for Ariel to return, much as she is still waiting for Messiah. Annie takes a break from the unsatisfying relationship, and Laura sets off to find her father.

Petriella briefly shows breasts. Caselli and Fonzi both show breasts and buns. IMDb readers have this at 7.4. It garnered several awards and nominations in both technical and artistic categories. The film lacks pace and focus, but that is not necessarily a bad thing in a character driven piece. In the end, your enjoyment will be determined by how much or little you like the characters. The film uses a rich color palette, and is well photographed. Presented in Spanish and some Yiddish with forced subtitles. This is a C+.

Trancers  (1985):

This film does not actually have any nudity, but some Helen Hunt (age 21) images were requested by a reader.

Tim Thomerson is kind of the grade-B Harrison Ford, inevitably a sly or seedy tough guy who is a reluctant hero. It is therefore fitting that Thomerson gets the Harrison Ford role when the first third of this film plays out as a grade-B version of 1982's Blade Runner. Of course, the rest of the movie is a rip-off on 1984's Terminator, but I guess that's how the whole wacky grade-B thing works.

Thomerson is a future cop named Jack Deth whose beat is the city built upon the ruins of Los Angeles, which was destroyed by a massive earthquake and tidal wave. Deth eats in sleazy street diners and his specialty is retiring replicants ... er ... I mean trancers, humans who come under the spell of an evil guy named Whistler who wants to plunge the world into chaos. He retires a few, and thinks he can finally retire himself,  after killing the nefarious Whistler himself on the seventh moon of some planet or another. Ol' Deth is scuba diving and working on his tan when the police chief shows up on the beach and calls him back from retirement for ... (is your guess locked in?) ... one last job.

It seems Whistler was not killed after all and has hatched an invidious new plot involving time-travel to 1985. This takes us into the Terminator section of our plot. The only thing that keeps 23rd century Earth from degenerating into utter chaos is the benevolent rule of "The Council", but Whistler figures he can really fuck things up by going back to pre-quake L.A. and killing off the ancestors of the councilors. Since Trancers is basically a no-budget movie, time-travel consists of sending Deth back into the body of a 1985 ancestor who bears a strong resemblance to Jack Deth, whose identity he must use to defeat a another guy who bears a strong resemblance to Whistler. This time-travel gimmick managed to free the filmmakers from any further obligation to imagine or design the future, or to pay for the services of an art director for the last 2/3 of the film.

When in 20th century Los Angeles, Jack Deth hooks up with his ancestor's girlfriend, and together they fight Whistler and try to protect the councilors' ancestors: a former relief pitcher who looks like Rollie Fingers, and a muscular surfer dude who owns a tanning salon. Unfortunately, Deth gets to the surfer dude too late, after Whistler has turned him into a surfing trancer. This was my favorite part of the film. The muscle man knocks Deth unconscious. Now what do you think he will do next? Mind you, the entire purpose of Whistler's existence is to kill Jack Deth, so you'd expect the zombie surfer dude, under Whistler's mind control, to pick up Deth's gun and kill him, right?

Wrong.

Instead, he puts him in a tanning booth and sets the timer past the safety zone!

I guess it could have been worse. He could have tied him up and told him the plot twists.

I'm assuming he did not do so because there were no plot twists.

Anyway, Deth manages to get a fabulous tan, and does eventually manage to save Rollie Fingers, and thus earth itself. The whole thing gets resolved fairly predictably, except that Deth gets trapped in the 20th century with his ancestor's girlfriend, which he's perfectly happy with.

The film ends there, with the lovebirds smooching, but there's a big problem with that scenario: Whistler's ancestor was a cop, and he was exercising his trancer power over other cops so, in the process of the rescue, Deth and Helen have just killed about a bazillion 20th century L.A. cops, and you'd have to think that the L.A.P.D. would not be happy with their explanation.

Whatever. Obviously we're not supposed to take it seriously.

Tim Thomerson has always been most effective in two types of roles. One, as I mentioned earlier, is the seedy reluctant hero. The second is a parody character, the oh-too-serious action hero who proceeds with a comically rigid pose of the tough loner. Thomerson gets to do both of his characters here, because the film just couldn't really decide whether it wanted to be an sci-fi adventure movie or a parody of same. Lots of situations in the film are played out for laughs. One of Whistler's 20th century trancers, for example, is a shopping mall Santa who engages Deth in a fist and gun battle in front of some horrified children, ala Jay and Silent Bob's encounter with the Easter Bunny in Mallrats. At other times, Deth spends his free moments watching his favorite 20th century TV show - Peter Gunn. He also enjoys watching 20th century infomercials, especially the one for the great art reproductions, which includes his personal favorite, "Whistler's Mother."

The film certainly moves quickly and never gets a chance to wear out its welcome, since it runs only 76 minutes including the credits at both ends. I suppose the most similar grade-B film is Hell Comes to Frogtown. Both movies take place in a post-Apocalyptic world, and both resolve their plots seriously, but wink slyly at you along the way, just to let you know that they find their ideas just as silly as you do. Both heroes, Jack Deth and Sam Hell, are classic smart-ass anti-heroes, exaggerated for comic effect. Each film inspired several sequels. The only major difference is that Hell Comes to Frogtown has been brought to DVD with great care and expertise in a gorgeous re-mastered widescreen anamorphic transfer. The Trancers DVD, on the other hand, has no widescreen version, and the film looks like it has been transferred from a VHS tape, and not an especially good one.

After several years on video, Trancers built up a cult following and eventually inspired a theatrical sequel - made a full six years after the original! Three straight-to-vids were churned out in a hurry right after Trancers 2. That seemed to be the end of the franchise, but eventually there was also a Trancers 6. That one was more or less related in name only, because it was made eight years after Trancers 5, at which point Thomerson was no longer available to play the iconic Jack Deth, who is the heart of the franchise.

Here's the series rundown:

The original Trancers also offers you a chance to see a 21 year old Helen Hunt when she had neither fame nor breasts. She hadn't developed any acting ability or cheekbones yet, either. Hunt's career struggled for many years, and she came back to play Mrs. Deth in the first two sequels in 1991 and 1992. Helen finally landed her sitcom breakthrough, Mad About You, in 1992, and that soon elevated her to national prominence and liberated her from the further need to play Lena Deth.

• Helen Hunt (1, 2, 3)

The Story of Marie and Julien (2003)

Emmanuelle Beart seems to have been around forever, with thirty years in the industry. She started as a child star. She was a major international star twenty years ago after the release of Manon of the Spring. About fifteen years ago, she set the all-time record for most nudity by a mainstream actress in one film when she walked around stark naked for more than two hours in La Belle Noiseuse. About ten tears ago, she made a Tom Cruise film.

Here she is after all those years, still only 38, still as spooky and beautiful as ever, presumably with some refurbished boobs, in The Story of Marie and Julien.

• Emmanuelle Beart (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

The Woodsman (2004)

Excellent movie with non-existent commercial potential. Kevin Bacon as a child molester. I've already covered it here. The commercial DVD is now available.

• Kyra Sedgwick (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Other Crap:

• A uniquely complex way to structure an online quiz - Battleground God from The Philosophers' Magazine
• Is the GOP ready to drop The Hammer?
• Remember dreaming of a Blue Christmas? Then you'll be the target audience for X-Entertainment's Bunch Of Smurfs Stuff!
• Into the future with Robin Williams
• Sahara was the #1 film in an uninspired weekend. Fever Pitch pulled up in third, just behind Sin City. King Fu Hustle totally kicked ass per screen ($41,000!!!), but on a mere seven screens.
• ANTI-HERO ART: A White Trash Museum. "This site contains crazy shit, fucked up shit, shitty shit and just plain ol' shit."
• "The name of this restaurant is Toilet Bowl. They use toilet bowls as containers for their delicious cuisine."
• Household tips Martha Stewart never told you. How to make a pretty purse from your dead cat.
• The nonprofit Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo spends $110,000 on a conference table and chairs, and a quarter of a million bucks on free booze for the staff.
• Tiger and DiMarco make it a two-man race. Tiger wins in sudden death. Only Jack Nicklaus and Walter Hagen have won more majors than T, although he is only 29 years old.
• First Cookie Monster switched to healthy snacks. Now Ernie and Bert have made their own changes.
• A new "behind the scenes" featurette about The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
• "topless picture of Melissa Auf Der Maur (former Hole & Smashing Pumpkins bassist)"
• Ex-NFL Player Cole Ford fires shotgun blasts at the home of Siegfried and Roy. "While watching Siegfried and Roy, he had a sudden realization that what was wrong with the world was linked to the illusionists' treatment, dominance and unhealthy intimacy he saw them having with their animals. He thought the entertainers' contact with their animals was sexual and related to the development of viruses such as AIDS. He felt they threatened (the) world, and he began to figure out how he could stop them."
  • After all these years, he finally mastered the shotgun offense.
  • Maybe he thought he was playing the Lions.
  • A psychiatrist ruled that he was "dangerous, and crazy, yet with excellent taste"
• How to get crowds at your art show? Let me recommend 100 naked chicks. Maybe even more.
• Time magazine's second annual 'Time 100', of the world's most influential people includes Dubya, Martha Stewart, Michael Moore, and curiously enough, Scott Baio.
• Sahara takes Friday, Sin City and Fever Pitch battle for second.
• The "Golden Bear" makes his emotional final prowl at the Masters
• Here's the headline: "A man charged with trafficking in cocaine burned his fingertips with acid to obliterate his fingerprints and hide his identity.
  • And now here's an example of some brilliant deductive reasoning on the part of the police: "Police do not think he gave his true identity." Gee - whoda thunk it?
• It's official: Revenge of the Sith has been zapped with a PG-13 rating
• Two points: (1) this is not a parody (2) this was not made in the 70s. "America We Stand As One"
• San Jose State Suspends Sexy Dance Team. Damn, there go my hopes for a full scholarship.
• I hope this reviewer is wrong. I fear he may be right. Hitchhiker's Guide, "I'm very sorry to report, is bad. Really bad. You just won't believe how vastly, staggeringly, jaw-droppingly bad it is. "
• Actress Bijou Phillips falls out of her dress on a runway modeling job.
• Site title says it all: Jewish Treats for Dogs & Cats

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Here's the short list of nominees.

Juliette Binoche & Lena Olin in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"
Juliette Marquis & Cheyenne Silver in "This Girl's Life"
Asia Argento & Selen in "Scarlet Diva"
Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair in "Cruel Intentions"
Charlize Theron & Penélope Cruz in "Head in the Clouds"
Helen Shaver and Patricia Charbonneau in "Desert Hearts"
Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon in "Bound"
Chloë Sevigny and Michelle Williams in "If These Walls Could Talk 2"
Sharon Stone and Ellen DeGeneres in "If These Walls Could Talk 2"
Susie Porter and Kelly McGillis in "The Monkey's Mask"
Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve in "The Hunger".
Elizabeth Mitchell and Angelina Jolie in "Gia"

Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Sex Scenes

"Gordon" (2003)
Direct-to-video comedy indie. There's a costume party where five women took off their tops for a truth-or-dare game. But Patricia Bellemore stole the movie with her large natural D-cups.

• Patricia Bellemore(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6): boobs, buns, and makin' bacon in kitchen.
• Keara Anne Baggio (1, 2, 3): boobs and buns makin' bacon with Leah Ramsay.
• Helene Taylor (1, 2): partial breast as female executive-turned-dominatrix.
• Anmar Strand: boobs as hefmag bunny.
• Leah Ramsay: boobs as naughty nurse.
• Aimee Lysak: robohooters as very naughty nurse.

Godiva's: episode Masters of Delusion
Erin Karpluk has her first nude sex scene but opted out for a body double.

• Erin Karpluk: having sex in shower.
• Nudists: boobs and butt.

Bliss III: Tying Up Gerald
Episode about s&m.

• Katya Gardner: sexy as dominatrix.
• Shary Guthrie: bare butt getting spanked by Katya, then as dominatrix spanking husband.

"Who Killed Bambi?"
What director Gilles Marchand was trying for in this 2003 French horror/thriller was a classy film about unspeakable acts. What he got was considerably less, but still an interesting if somewhat predictable and slow-moving film. Copious nudity didn't hurt, either, although elements of the plot are downright nasty.

Beautiful young nursing student Isabelle (are nursing students ever ugly in the movies? ) meets Dr. Philipp when she starts experiencing dizziness. He's helpful but standoffish, and calls her Bambi because of her shaky legs. She fells strangely attracted to him, but he makes it obvious he isn't interested, calling her a slut. As things progress, young women recovering from surgery mysteriously "disappear" soon after surgery, apparently leaving on their own without being discharged.

To add to the hospital's problems, patients are waking up in the middle of surgery as if the anesthetic had been diluted, yet tests on the anesthetic used shows no apparent problem. On top of this, now nurses who are in charge of recovering surgery patients start disappearing, and Isabelle begins to suspect that Dr. Philipe is involved.

While I can't give more details without spoiling the whole movie, suffice to say it's a pretty decent thriller despite some dragging, and I stayed fairly interested throughout the film's 2 hours and 6 minutes.

• Sophie Quinton
• Lisa Huynh
• Fily Keita

There are only two good points to this film, one on each of Asia Argento's breasts.

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