Friday

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To see and use all the Funhouse features, you need Netscape 6.+ or MSIE 5.+.

• Netscape 6.2.2 is available free for download or on CD.
• MSIE 6.0 is available free.

Joe (1970) is a very dated story about the "generation gap." Those who know the term and lived through the era will find a certain sense of nostalgia here, but will be struck by how much society has changed, and how much we ex flower children have changed as well. Perhaps the single best thing about the film is breast exposure and a hint of pubes from a 24 year old and very naked Susan Sarandon. Sarandon is the daughter of an upper-middle class family, but is seeing a junkie/dealer. When her boyfriend causes her to OD, and she is hospitalized, her father goes to get her things from the apartment, and ends up accidently killing the junkie boyfriend.

A working class bigot and anti-youth man, Joe, learns what the father did, and has nothing but respect for him for it. Sarandon sneaks out of the hospital when she learns her boyfriend is dead, then leaves home when she finds out how he died. I won't give away the ending, as it is supposed to be an ironic surprise, although most of you will predict it at least 20 minutes before it happens. Two bit players, Fran Middleton, and Max Couper show breasts and buns during a hippie orgy.

IMDB voters have this at 6.6 of 10, which is probably about where it belongs. Once a good, if somewhat melodramatic commentary on the chasm in American society, it is now just a trip in the "way back machine." Still, those who lived the era will see familiar sights, sounds and attitudes, and those who are merely curious get a pretty accurate look at the generation gap in the late 60s and early 70s. C+

MOVIES:

New releases:

The DVD nudity drought is over, and we are now flooded with worthwhile preview DVD's. Since Tuna went after Joe and Lenny, I decided to dig in with The Coca-Cola Kid and Wild Orchid.

You can forget The Coca-Cola Kid. The movie is average It's a fairly interesting story, but Eric Roberts is wildly miscast as a marketing genius sent out by Coke to troubleshoot international markets, and all the details are horribly unresearched. It plays out like a movie which intends to make fun of American Economic Imperialism, even though the author clearly has no idea what that process consists of. But that's not really important. What is important is that the film has two scenes in which Greta Scacchi is young and stark naked, and they are both bolloxed up royally. The bathing scene is almost completely obscured by strange effects and the DVD captures are all filled with spidering and noise. Since the rest of the film is nicely photographed and reasonably well transferred, my guess is that this scene was mucked up and blurred  intentionally, because it includes a stark naked little girl bathing with Scacchi.

The sex scene is just too damned dark, but there are a couple of respectably good captures from that, which is more than I can say for the bathroom scene

• Greta Scacchi (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

But if The Coca-Cola kid is fucked up big-time, Wild Orchid more than made up for it. It's one of Zalman King's very best "erotic experiences". It has a plot of some kind, and Mickey Rourke was highly irritating as a land speculator, but they pretty much lost interest in the storyline, and so did I. Who cares? That was a minor factor in a film with these plusses:

• Carre Otis, in the days before her various dependency and weight problems, looked magnificent, a cross between Liv Tyler and Laetitia Casta.
• The photography is consistently beautiful,  in the sex scenes and otherwise.
• Lots of sex and nudity.
• Sexy music.
• Clear looks at all the nudity.
• 7 minutes of additional footage in the unrated version. (The r-rated version is also on the same disc)

It was an absolute pleasure to do these collages. Frontal nudity from a beautiful woman photographed beautifully, and plenty of sexy and pretty atmosphere shots to round it out. Awesome! You do want this DVD if you are into film nudity. Only one thing. Was it legal to make a film in Brazil in 1990 without Sonia Braga?

• Carre Otis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
• Assumpta Serna (1, 2)

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Today we start to look at another part of the "Justine" series called "Exotic Liaisons" (1995). First up, a buxom blonde known only as Chanda.

Jr's note: big time Jeri Ryan fans may have seen Chanda in the indie film "Men Cry Bullets" (1997).

• Chanda, topless. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Next up, a teaser of Daneen Boone, more of her to follow.

• Daneen Boone topless and thong views.

A little breakdown:
#1 has her on all fours with mega cleavage.
#2 shows a bare breast
#3 has her in black undies
#4 awesome thong view

Scoop,

I've been a devoted reader since 1996, and I feel it's my time to give something back. David Hasselhoff has finally documented his utter lack of imagination and talent. Check out this video, and try to get through it without laughing your ass off.

-Linc

Jr's note...I think I only made it about 6 seconds before falling out of my chair. This is unreal!

Connecticut toy maker Herobuilders.com created WWF-style hero action figures of George W. ("Make No Mistake About It!") Bush, Rudy ("The Rock") Giuliani and Tony ("The Ally") Blair. Then they realized they needed a villain to fight, so they created an Osama bin Laden doll. Some people expressed outrage, but others said there are Darth Vader dolls, too, and said if someone can get rich selling them, then that's the American way. So far, the Rudy and Tony dolls are duds, but they've sold over 1,000 Bush and Osama dolls.

* The actual Osama doll is cheap, but you'll go broke buying his Malibu Dream Cave and matching Corvette

Next, this year's "Cry Me A Freakin' River" Award goes to...Tom Cruise!...

Tom Cruise: Sometimes I Wish I Was A Failure
Tom Cruise often wishes his acting career had failed at certain points - because he's becoming increasingly afraid of success. Tom, 39, admits his phenomenal movie success has only made him quiver at the high level of expectation and scrutiny which accompanies being number one. He says, "You know what, it becomes easier to fail at certain points. I know it sounds weird. But there are things that are misinterpreted, miscommunicated. When you make a film, it's going to be looked at a lot tougher. At this stage in life, there's a certain amount of power to get things done. Along with that power, there's responsibility. And to forget about that responsibility can be dangerous." He adds, "They beat you down. There are so many different things out there that can get you. There are so many. There's a lot of invalidation. When you become successful in any type of life, there are people who are not contributing to the motion."

So far reviews for the new Cameron Diaz movie aren't the greatest...

At the Movies: `The Sweetest Thing'
By DAVID GERMAIN
AP

Women now have a gross-out comedy of their own.

``The Sweetest Thing'' proves that a lowbrow chick flick can be just as cretinous as a big dumb guy movie (excluding anything by Tom Green).

``Rollerball'' already has it beat for worst movie so far this year, but ``The Sweetest Thing'' has the early lead for most vapid.

You'd think the usually winsome Cameron Diaz could phone in her role and still lift a comedy into the tolerable range. This time out, Diaz actually is upstaged by co-star Christina Applegate, who wangles a few laughs out of material so empty it would be lavish praise to call it vegetative.

Talented co-star Selma Blair, however, winds up the Jason Biggs, ``American Pie''-style patsy of some pathetically lame sex sight gags. (Director Roger Kumble, who worked with Blair on ``Cruel Intentions,'' notes that the actress will do anything in a role; Kumble means it as a compliment, but Blair may want to re-evaluate her work ethic given the results here.)

Diaz plays Christina Walters, a brash, lusty woman whose love-'em-and-leave-'em attitude deposits the carcass of many a woebegone suitor behind her.

Christina is introduced through pseudo-interviews with failed aspirants to her affections. The sequence is mildly amusing, though it's a cheesy knockoff of the far cleverer talk-to-the-camera confessionals occasionally used by ``Sex and the City,'' a show that has more smarts, heart and humor in one pedicured toenail than ``The Sweetest Thing'' has in its whole cadaver.

After that opening, the movie declines into mind-numbing prattle and imbecilic bathroom or bedroom slapstick as Christina and gal pals Courtney (Applegate) and Jane (Blair) giggle and jiggle through the joys of noncommittal passion.

``Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now,'' Christina proclaims in one of the movie's few foxy lines. ``And eventually, if he's worthy, that Now part is just going to drop away.''

One night at a happening club, Christina bumps into a worthy one, Peter (Thomas Jane), a hunk with whom she clicks to the point that days later, she's still daydreaming about him. On a whim, Christina and Courtney set off on a road trip to track him down, setting up a lot of bad potty humor intercut with Jane's inane sexual shenanigans.

Diaz and her cast mates, including Parker Posey in a brief appearance as a reluctant bride, hurl themselves into the roles with vigor. But they come off as self-absorbed, monotonous simpletons because of the vacuous script credited to Nancy M. Pimental, who has written for ``South Park'' and was co-host of ``Win Ben Stein's Money.''

With drolly playful delivery, Applegate periodically rises above the script. Those few highlights, though, accentuate how dumb the surrounding action is.

In a brief hotel fantasy sequence, Christina imagines Peter as the perfect man, precisely tending to her every sexual whim and arranging for room service to wheel in bucket-sized dishes of ice cream.

``I had them remove all the calories for you,'' dream Peter tells her.

That sums up this dippy movie: a romantic farce with all the calories removed.

``The Sweetest Thing,'' from Sony's Columbia Pictures, is rated R for strong sexual content and language. Running time: 84 minutes. One star (out of four).

Thora Birch's parents are usually listed as Jack & Carol Birch. The Internet Movie Database lists the hardcore adult movie "Road of Death" (1975) starring Jack Birch and Carol Connors (I). It's not much of a stretch to imagine them coupling and showing how little Thoras are made.

Also...

Thora's parents have appeared together in at least two other porn movies. IAFD.COM gives various sex scene descriptions for Carol Connors in "Candy Goes to Hollywood" (1979) while Jack Birch keeps his pecker in his pants. However, Jack Birch and Carol Connors do have a sex scene in "Sweet Savage" (1979). Carol Connors porn career seems to have come to a screeching halt when Thora was born in 1982.

More info on "Sweet Savage".