The Thomas Crown Affair (1999) is a remake of the 1968 Norman Jewison film of the same name, staring Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway. Director John McTiernan made no attempt to conceal that this was a remake, even casting Dunaway in the film as Crown's shrink, and using the Oscar winning Michel Legrand song from the original, Windmills of Your Mind, in the opening sequence. The caper is changed from a bank robbery to an extremely clever heist of a $100m painting from the Metropolitan Museum of Art by Crown (Pierce Brosnan), purely as an exercise to alleviate boredom. Enter Rene Russo as a crackerjack insurance investigator. She figures out early that Crown did it, but proving it is another matter, especially when she starts an affair with him. Three motivations probably contributed to the affair on her part. She wanted to solve the case for her share from the insurance company, she was attracted to him, and he was a challenge. For his part, she was the most worthy opponent he had ever discovered.

All of the details of the painting theft are ingenious and at least plausible, and the plot makes complete sense. For those expecting an actioner (like McTiernan's Die Hard), there isn't any action to speak of. The romance takes place more in the minds of the two than in bed. Both Ebert and Berardinelli like the plot, but see no chemistry between Brosnan and Russo. While the two didn't get weak-needed at the sight of each other, the intellectual battle between them was very intense, and drove their relationship. Both characters needed this to sustain a relationship, as, for them, sex was just sex. Rotten Tomatoes has this at 70% positive, with 75% positive from the top critics. IMDB readers have it at 6.7 of 10, with women of all age groups rating it slightly higher than men in the same group.

Russo shows breasts in two scenes, a dark sex scene, and a very well lit outdoor sunbathing scene, and wears a transparent dress to a dance. The script was very well written, keeping me guessing start to finish, and I believed the relationship between Brosnan and Russo, especially since they were on different sides of the painting theft, and both had trust issues in their lives. This is a very high C+. Anyone who likes a good caper flick will love this one.

Camilla (1994)

Camilla is the story of the friendship between an eccentric elderly violinist (Jessica Tandy) and a young woman (Bridget Fonda) who aspires to write music. Tandy looks back upon her yellowed clippings and draws upon her ancient memories as part of the process of imparting her wisdom to the young 'un, so it plays out sort of like Titanic Light. The acting is terrific in this movie, although the movie is kind of an artificial three-hanky chick-flick, and plays out like a TV movie of the week. As an example, Jessica Tandy finds the long-lost-since-girlhood love of her life before the end of the film, and does so almost by accident. And at her age, long-lost is very long indeed.

The most unusual and perhaps the most memorable element of Camilla is that Jessica Tandy did a nude scene. In fact, it was her only nude scene, and she was 84 or 85 when she did it. She had died by the time the film was released. 

 "Hey, that isn't beautiful or sexy, Scoop"

No, of course it isn't sexy, but beautiful is another matter.

She was one of the great stage actresses of the 20th century, a great and gutsy woman who continued to perform as long as she could stand, and continued to do so very well, brilliantly, in fact. Tandy knew she was dying when she made this film. She and her husband of 52 years, Hume Cronyn, appeared together in this movie, for the last of thousands of times they shared the spotlight. (I saw them act together on Broadway on the opening night of A Delicate Balance in September of 1966.)

During the film, Tandy and Cronyn spoke this line aloud to each other (It's a quote from Sea Fever by John Masefield): "And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over".

If that isn't beautiful, then what is? 

• General consensus: two stars. Ebert 2/4, Maltin 2.5/4, Berardinelli 2/4.

• Rotten Tomatoes summary. Six articles on file

• With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 5.7 

• With their dollars ... it had no mass appeal. Box office: $250,000,

It's a C (average chick-flick), but film buffs will want to see Tandy's remarkable, gutsy performance, and to savor her farewell to Cronyn.

• Bridget Fonda (full frontal and rear, but far from the camera) (1, 2, 3)

• Jessica Tandy

Other crap:

• What a great story! I'll let The Smoking Gun tell it in their own words: "While all news organizations prepare obituaries in advance of the deaths of famous individuals, the folks at CNN inadvertently gave the Internet-surfing public a chance to preview how the network's web site would note the demise of Vice President Dick Cheney, Ronald Reagan, and a few other prominent figures. Until earlier this afternoon, a CNN server housed mock-ups of web pages announcing the yet-to-happen deaths. The CNN pages, which were discovered by the intrepid folks at fark.com, were yanked about 20 minutes after being exposed (though TSG was able to grab a few of the pages for posterity's sake)."
• The Brit press put it this way: "When a thrilling Somerset soccer cup final went to a penalty shoot-out, it was all over in a flash. As a Norton Hill Rangers' player prepared to net the ball, a shapely female Wookey FC fan standing behind the goal lifted her shirt and gave him an eye-full. He was clearly diverted from his original purpose because the ball went flying into the car park." The coach, on the other hand, was encouraged by the presence of at least one obviously heterosexual player on his team.
• In a sign which is, if I recall correctly, the opening of the sixth seal in the book of the Apocalypse, and Adam Sandler film, Anger Management, sets April box office records.
• Saddam starred in gay porn films. It's in the Weekly World News, so you can rely on it completely.
• engineers think they can develop a means to transport people from NY to London in 54 minutes - underwater. This isn't Weekly World News - these guys are serious.
• Ryan Cole spent Saturday plowing "Amanda Will You Marry Me?" into a Madison County field. Oh, sure, like there's a logical  explanation for it. That's just the cover story made up by the Air Force. M. Night Shyamalan has already acquired the rights to the REAL story.
• off-beat new Honda commercial. The rumor mill says it took 606 takes before the Rube Goldberg device made of Honda parts finally worked correctly.
• After nearly 30 years of searching, the museum of radio and television has obtained a complete recording of CBS' landmark 1954 drama "Twelve Angry Men,"
• Elizabeth Hurley ... married guy ... oh, who cares? Anyway, she continues to look better every time I see her. Somewhere in London, a portrait is aging horribly.
• do you remember that March 8, 2003 website? It was a promotion for a novel
• more classics from Iraqi Info Guy
• More rumors that Iraqi Info Guy seems to have committed suicide. "Do not look for me any longer, I am calling this conference to announce that I have committed suicide."
• The Sun asks the most important question in England today. Which member of the royal family has the best cleavage.

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Horny teenager movies are of a genre that deserves more respect. Well, okay, maybe not...but there should be a lot more of them, because they deliver the goods and the goodies.

"Homework" (1982) is a perfect example.

The plot? Horny teenagers look to get laid. Duh!

The exposure? Well, two household names...Joan Collins and Betty Thomas... have parts in the movie but do not give up the goodies. Oh you see Joan in a nice set o' jeans and Betty in a deeply cut blouse, but that's it. (By the by, that's Wings Hauser with Betty. He plays a rock star with the clap. Don't ask.)

• Betty Thomas
• Joan Collins

Two credited women you do get to see are sometime pornstar Babara Peckinpaugh in two collages of boob exposure, and stripper Joy Michael in three boob-filled collages. Joy was chosen for the part of Joan Collins as a teenager because, yep sho nuff, she looks a lot like a young Joan Collins. First two collages show her in the back seat of a '57 Chevy gettin hooter-groped. Ah, to be a teenager again. Third collage is Joy acting as Joan's body double in a mother-I'd-like-to-fuck scene.

• Babara Peckinpaugh (1, 2)
• Joy Michael (1, 2, 3)

Then there are a bunch of uncredited women who give up some serious goodies. The onliest recognizable one is B movie empress, Michelle Bauer. This is Michelle with the original equipment still installed, looking extremely fine as a rock groupie. She's in eight collages worth of real nice, real natural hooter exposure.

• Michelle Bauer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Another rock groupie is a blonde who looks very familiar, kinda like former Hefmate Susie Owens. Very nice looking woman, 'specially when the top comes off.

A third uncredited woman plays a nurse who flashes her jumbo jacks, and fellas, I do mean jumbo. By the look of her, I'd expect she is a professional clothing removal person of some type or other. Two collages of her, the second is a montage of three frames.

Then you got your obligatory topless babe in the girl's locker room and your obligatory two girls in a hot tub. The latter is notable for providing the only below the equator exposure of the whole movie.

• Hot tub babes
• Locker room babe
• Groupie (1, 2)
• Topless nurse (1, 2)

So the movie is stupid. So it's a teenage boy fantasy. Who cares? The teenager in question has lots and lots of friends... and with friends like these who needs dialogue.

A little something for Jennifer Love Hewitt fans.

Jennifer's excellent cleavage from 1997's "I Know What You Did Last Summer".

• Jennifer Love Hewitt (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

Virginia Madsen
(1, 2)

• Gabriella Hall, showing off her big'uns and a hint of bum while gettin' it on.

• Kira Reed. We see her all naturals and even some pubes in her sport humpin' scenes.

• An unknown and her robo-hooters.

FIRST TV NETWORK FOR MEN
Nothing But Porn, Football And The Three Stooges! - TNN (The National Network) is changing its name to Spike TV and will reposition itself as the first network to air programming specifically targeting men. TNN president Albie Hecht said Spike TV is a good name because "it's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before."