El Sueño de Ibiza (2002), or Ibiza Dream, is sort of a buddy picture taking place on the island of Ibiza. Nacho (Adriá Collado), Carlos (Paco Marín) and Chica (Adriana Dominguez) are lifelong friends. Nacho returns from an extended stay in India, and they throw a party. Much to his chagrin, Chica has a new boyfriend. Nacho convinces Chica and Carlos to help him open a meditation center. then Chica moves to Africa looking for fulfillment, where she falls in love with a woman, and eventually dies in an accident. Carlos contracts a dread fatal disease, and wanders off by himself to die.

It is not that I had any trouble figuring out what went on, but I still can't understand why anyone thought it was a good idea to turn this into a film. The scenics in Ibiza were spectacular and we were treated to topless and rear nudity from Adriana Dominguez. I had nothing in common with any of the characters. IMDb readers say 6.2 of 10. The score went steadily down as the age of the voter went up. This is a C-, mostly because it was technically sound, but I can't recommend the story. It is only available on Spanish region 2 PAL.

Some weeks the Tuesday trip to Blockbuster is a waste of time. This week turned up some interesting material. I'm sitting there watching The Big Empty and all of a sudden I am lookin' at Rachael Leigh Cook pulling her pants down to show Jon Favreau her pubes. Later on, she showed one of her rather large breasts.

That was cool - then I'm watching The Scoundrel's Wife, and it features nudity from Tatum O'Neal - who hasn't been naked in public in 20 something years - and Lacey Chabert - who has never been naked in public at all.

Not explicit stuff, but sexy all.

The best nudity of the day was Angela Featherstone in Dark Angel, which is not even on DVD, although I managed to get DVD caps! Long story . See below.

By the way, The Big Empty is a pretty cool movie. The other two DVDs lame. Tomb of Terror isn't a movie at all, and the one with Tatum O'Neal is strictly amateur hour. If William Hung were an actor instead of a singer, at the same level of talent, he would be the Olivier of this film. Tatum is less expressive than a cigar store Indian, and Tim Curry is ... well, he's Tim Curry, a man who envies the underplayed subtlety of Bill Shatner.

The Big Empty (2003)

Although Donnie Darko is about to be re-released to theaters, it's dismal performance in the original release is a bad sign for makers of offbeat independent films. The market is for that kind of film is obviously very small, and that means such films will not be financed by real money, because the potential for return is small. Because of the financial angle, the whole market for wildly original stuff seems to belong to the zero budget guys with their unknown acting troupes.

Jon Favreau and some of his friends tried to do something about that with their strange comedy The Big Empty, which I can only describe as Donnie Darko meets The Big Lebowski, if you can imagine such a thing. They assembled a truly eccentric film with established actors like Kelsey Grammer and Sean Bean and Daryl Hannah, and some pretty solid production values. It has a slick Hollywood veneer, but with the soul of an indy.

Favreau stars as a failed and debt-ridden actor whose possessions have been whittled down to a card table, a lamp, a telephone, five glossy pictures of himself, and some pens and paper. His apartment doesn't even have a bed. His mysterious next door neighbor, played by the ever batty Bud Cort, invites himself into Favreau's apartment one day and eventually agrees to pay the actor about $28,000 to take a blue suitcase to the desert and hand it to a trucker named Cowboy. Favreau is at first reluctant to do so, because the contents of the suitcase are a secret, and the back-up story involves visitors from space and other such tinfoil hat fol-de-rol, but eventually he decides that he needs the money enough to do it. He is also intrigued by the fact that Cort knows things about him that nobody could possibly know.

Favreau's would-be girlfriend (Joey Lauren Adams) tells him that this whole thing can't be a good idea, but he figures that he really has nothing to lose.

When he finally gets out into the desert, he finds that the suitcase transfer is very complicated, because he keeps missing the legendary Cowboy (played by 006 with the latest in Western wear, but his usual Yorkshire accent!), and people keep telling him that Cowboy is a dangerous dude and is getting madder each time they fail to connect. In his attempts to deliver the suitcase, Favreau keeps running into flaky locals who may or may not be from Earth. Meanwhile, the Bud Cort neighbor from back home has turned up missing immediately after handing Favreau the suitcase, so Favreau is a robbery and murder suspect, and he's being pursued by a truly strange FBI agent (Kelsey Grammer, who stole the entire show with a brilliant comic turn).

This is a fun movie. It is maddeningly mannered at times, and really seems to be a bit too much in love with its own eccentricity, but it also manages to bring a kind of daffy warmth to a story which at its core is not about space aliens, but about people living lives of quiet desperation, and the opportunities they might be willing to take, if given the chance. There were moments when this film aggravated me with its smug artiness, but in the end, it won me over with some very strong positives:

1. a winning "everyday Joe" performance from Favreau

2. a spectacular rendering of the desert, day and night, in mystical pinks, and purples, and blues, as if it were more than sand and rocks, but actually a place of unearthly beauty and mystery, its own logical geometry, and a compelling dream of tranquility, escape, and otherness.

3. lots of offbeat, almost deranged, humor

4. a strong core of genuine human warmth beneath its lunatic surrealism

I wish I could tell you that Favreau's financial experiment was a success, but this flick won't even get a shot at the modest level of $400,000 which Donnie Darko grossed. It could find no distributor and went straight to vid where I joined the other five people on the list of folks who have actually seen the damned thing.

No REAL nudity, but you have to love these pics of Rachael Leigh Cook. I guess maybe she showed her the top of her pubes in the first one.

• Rachael Leigh Cook. (1, 2, 3)I've never really thought of her as extremely sexy, but I've changed my mind after this film. She was delicious!

The Scoundrel's Wife (2002)

Not every local legend needs to be made into a film. When WW2 came around, there was legitimate concern among Americans for the defense of its shores. The vast and virtually unguarded coastline of the Gulf of Mexico was particularly vulnerable to German submarine attacks, and Southern Louisiana is one of America's most important commercial shipping centers.

This caused all sorts of rumors and paranoia. Illegal aliens, maybe even spies, were being snuck inside American borders. Local fisherman were trading with the enemy for massive windfall profits. German-speaking Americans were broadcasting to the U-Boats at night. Traitors lived in our midst.

One place that was a center of such paranoia was the filmmaker's home town of East Douchebag, Louisiana. OK, I'm kidding. The town was named Cut Off, Louisiana, which is pretty much just as silly. Cajun filmmaker Gil Pitre grew up there, knew all the legends, and felt that they would make an excellent film.

Which they might have, in the hands of a director who had some clue what the hell he was doing.

Unfortunately, Pitre wrote and directed himself, and this thing is about as professional as a average dinner theater production of The King and I. How desperate are you for acting talent when your two lead roles are taken by Tatum O'Neal and Tim Curry? To be fair, the basic storyline here isn't bad at all, but everything about this film is ham-fisted, from weak production values to a soap-opera script to a corny final crowd scene as ineptly choreographed as the group scene in a high school Spring musical. I should have stopped typing after Tim Curry. After you mention Tim Curry, unless he's playing Satan's flamboyant gay cousin or something, what more is there to say?

• Tatum O'Neal (1, 2)
• Lacey Chabert. I learned something from the trailer for this film. I didn't know that she pronounces her name Sha-BEAR, in the French fashion.

Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994)

Dark Angel was a straight to vid film from 1994 which has never made it to DVD. I haven't seen it, and it probably isn't my kind of movie, because it features a vengeful demoness from hell who escapes to earth and falls in love with a human doctor who melts her heart with chocolaty goodness.

The Arrow praised the film as a strange combination of romance and violence, so I guess you genre nuts might like it, but you still will have to wait until it gets to DVD.

So how did I get DVD caps? Well, here's the story. Blockbuster has a crappy exclusive DVD called Tomb of Terror, which consists of three old films cropped down to thirty minutes each, then re-cut into a new 90 minute disk. Yeah, I know it sounds like shit. It pretty much looked looked like shit, too, and they re-named all the stories, so I just hit the fast forward ands scanned for nudity until a very naked Angela Featherstone caught my eye, as she would catch the eye of any man with even the vaguest hint of testosterone. I thought "I know that scene", so I went to Featherstone's entry in the Encyclopedia, and found the name of the original film.

Angela is gorgeous! Who cares about the movie?

• Angela Featherstone (1, 2, 3, 4)

Wild Things (1997)

• Yesterday, we had a .wmv clip of the famous pool scene. Here's the other scene with a (tiny) bit of fresh Denise nudity in the newly-released unrated DVD.

OTHER CRAP:

• A computer game for porno fans - Shoot Johnny's wad.
• Witness says bingo operator 'told me that I was a dead man'. Man, bingo is a tough sport.
• Blue-haired Dennis Rodman picture pleads no contest to Vegas DUI.
• Presidental Rochambeau: sensing a weakness in Kerry's weak "paper" throw, the President casts a powerful "scissors".
• Beckham finds out that it is really complicated to be a gay guy. All of your signals are based on the color of your hankie, and the placement of the hankie on your body. There are millions of different combinations, and it takes years to learn gayness. They won't even let you be gay unless you get a really high score on the placement exam. Of course, if you mess up the written test, you might still pass the orals.
• Bush, Cheney will testify, but decline to do so under oath. Gee, let me think ... why would they do that? .... {light bulb} .... Oh, I get it!
• Franciscans want Gibson to make St. Francis film: Franciscan friars in New York loved The Passion of The Christ so much they are petitioning Mel to follow-up with a film biography of the order's founder, Saint Francis of Assisi.
• "Kerry's wife's company" is a major Bush contributor, and has never contributed to Kerry! (Note: Mrs Kerry owns only 4% of the stock, and does not take any role in the operation of the company, not even on the board.)
• Kerry's fitness reports on The Smoking Gun
• How will Kurt Warner decide where to go? " I'm not looking at what's best for me, I'm looking at what's best for the Lord and spreading his message.'" Especially if the Lord also gave my team a strong offensive line, some great wide receivers, and an existing quarterback with gimpy legs. And, Lord, I also need a coach dumb enough to play me.
• Poets are likely to die young. Female poets are likely to suffer from mental illness. Kind of a tautology, if you ask me. Isn't writing poetry, in fact, a symptom of mental illness. As for the early death thing, try telling people in your public school that you want to be a poet, and see how long you live.
• Grand jury indicts Jacko.
• What could be more appropriate than a link from Other Crap to the World of Crap? The canonical list of euphemisms and other terms for "taking a crap".
• Talkin' about rock's new generation, from Elvis's granddaughter to the evil spawn of the Rolling Stones.
• Urban Legends Reference Pages: "Did PETA place a brick with a hidden message at San Diego's PETCO Park?"
• 48 Hours Investigates has obtained a copy of the confidential French investigation files on the fatal accident that killed Princess Diana.
• The Straight Dope: Were there two endings to the old "Fugitive" TV series?
• Arrow in the Head has an advance review of Dracula 3: Legacy
• Labor Protests Threaten Cannes. The French labor unions are now demanding that they be paid the same salary as an average CEO, for a 0 hour work week. You know you live in a strange country when they think Office Space is a film about a workaholic.
• The latest Olympic sport - butt darts. We used to joke in college, about guys with zits, "he looks like the goalie for a darts team". That dream is now a reality.
• Here's the trailer for Stateside: This Rachael Leigh Cook film "follows the fortunes of an outlaw rich kid (Jonathan Tucker) who lands in the Marine Corps to be trained by a hard-biting Drill Instructor (Val Kilmer). While the kid is on leave, he meets and falls in love with a young popular entertainer whose love then endures hardships and ultimate victory."
• The trailer for Imagining Argentina. This could be a serious Razzie contender. People were laughing and hooting wildly at this film at the Venice Film Festival. Unfortunately, it is a melodrama about human rights abuses! This hilarious review tells the story.
• The trailer for a new horror/thriller, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid. "A dangerous journey down a jungle river in search of an extremely rare blood orchid that is rumored to be the source of a youth-preserving serum". Well, there's something we've never seen before. {Cough} Bullshit {cough} Blow-job {cough}. Compare this plot to the so very, very different premise of the timeless cinema classic, Deadly Species.
• The trailer for a new comedy, Sleepover. "In the summer before their freshman year in high school, Julie (Vega) has a slumber party with her best friends, Hannah, Yancy, and Farrah - and they end up having the adventure of their lives. In attempt to cast off their less-than-cool reputations once and for all, Julie and her friends enter into an all-night scavenger hunt against their 'popular girl' rivals. Hijacking dad's car, sneaking into clubs, evading Julie's mother, and even a first kiss - anything is possible at Julie's Sleepover."
• Pentagon Deleted Rumsfeld Comment from "official" version. Winston Smith, of the Pentagon's Ministry of Truth, was unavailable for comment.
• Advance copy of the script for a new Bush/Cheney ad.
• Madonna's record label loses millions
• URL pretty much says it all: VeryVeryGay.com
• WAY too much information about making a TRON costume
• Last Elves Fired from Santa's HQ.
• Guy spends thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to look like Elvis. Now he doesn't look like Elvis, he just looks like a dickweed who spent a lot of money to try to look like Elvis. Actually, he did manage to make himself look like The Honky-Tonk Man. I'm going to have the same surgery, but I want the doctors to make me look like William Hung.
• You really may be addicted to chocolate cake.
• Experts Race To Fix Serious Internet Flaw
• It was a an even more exciting day than usual in Norway. Today's top story: "Woman finds drunken man in bed!" With the price of booze in Norway, I guess that would be a surprise.
• KILL BILL: THE WHOLE BLOODY AFFAIR to premiere at Cannes
• SAUDI PRINCE OFFERS OIL FOR DEMI MOORE. New Book Details Prince Bandar's Indecent Proposal
• Carrie-Anne Moss to star in Mission Impossible Three. Unless she is planning to play a Latin American country, she will need to reverse her recent diet plan.
• Joey Tribbiani says "how YOU doin'" to Jennifer Aniston
• 'Pirates' tops MTV Movie Award nominees.
• The popular adult dance team Blondage, will reunite at a star-studded special event to raise money for the Adult Industry Assistance Fund
• Wing Music - Listen to Wing. The female Shatner. You've never heard anything quite like it. She makes William Hung sound like Caruso.
• URL says it all: RateMyBody.com
• Text messaging shortcuts ROFLOL, LSMFT
• URL says it all: RateMyMelons.com
• Are you Whipped?
• Thirteen men implicated for sexual assault on Pitcairn's Island. The population of Pitcairn's is 57. (This is the community founded by the Bounty mutineers.)
• 50 Years of Negative Campaign Ads
• USA Today Editor Quits in Wake of Fabricated Stories Scandal.
• Donnie Darko will be re-released in theaters, with 21 minutes of new footage.
• Oil discovered in Cuba - US military readies plan to liberate the island.
• Bigfoot captures sexy camper for love slave, but Sasquatch was a dud as a stud, says victim. That whole "guys with big feet" thing is called into question.
• Omarosa throws a tantrum when she has to fly coach!
• Monty Python's Terry Jones reports on President Bush's lobotomy.
• Senator says US may need compulsory service to boost Iraq force.
• The Online Dictionary of Playground Slang
• More stars without make-up, from People Magazine. The ones you have to see, in order of importance: Madonna, Pam Anderson, Cameron Diaz
• Classic rock's fascinating facts.
• Nekkid supermodels
• "Barry Bonds' two-run home run established a new career high with homers in seven straight games, one shy of the Major League record."
• A look back at "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur"
• The 100 most influential people in the world. Surprisingly, William Hung missed the list.
• JIM LEE'S TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES: HALLE & ME An artist spends the day on the set of Catwoman.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Helena Bonham Carter.

• I'm trying to establish in my mind which "beautiful" woman looks the most like a 'tard. That's not to say that they are dumb. Perhaps they are geniuses. That's not to say they are unattractive. I think Helena is reasonably hot. But simply if you saw a line-up of glamorous actresses without their make-up and were told that there was a 'tard in their midst, which one would you be likely to pick? It's pretty close between Helena and Rachel Weisz. Here's Helena in an obscure Brit TV show called Dancing Queen. (.avi, .wmv)

• Helena Bonham Carter in Margaret's Museum. This time in English!  (.avi, .wmv)

Various.

• Pretty hot scene of Ally Sheedy feeling up Patsy Kensit, playing with her privates through underpants. (.avi, .wmv)

• A snippet of one of the great nude performances. Amy Locane in Carried Away. (.avi, .wmv)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• Halle Berry was already famous when she made "Swordfish", but as soon as she showed off her amazing breasts, she suddenly became a star. Here she is in that topless scene (#1) and also in the black undies scene (#2). (1, 2)

• Mädchen Amick, the former model turned actress looking great and baring all in "Dream Lover" (1994). Toplessness only in #1, all 3 B's in #2. (1, 2)

• Unknown topless babes in a brief scene from the 1994 off-beat comedy, "Radioland Murders".

Some useless trivia....of all these named actresses, only Karen Allen is still working today.

• Karen Allen, showing some partial rear nudity.

• Lisa Baur, topless while making out with Otter. (1, 2)

• Mary Louise Weller, the 'Bluto watching her strip' scene. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Sarah Holcomb, topless and passed out at in Pinto's bed. (1, 2)

• Assorted topless sorority babes (1, 2)

WOMEN PREFER RAY ROMANO TO BRAD PITT
I Like 'Em Whiny! - Health Day News reports that when young women are ready to pick a long-term mate, they prefer regular guy types like Ray Romano over musclemen like Arnold Schwarzenegger or hunks like Brad Pitt. A UCLA study of co-eds at two college campuses found that while women think of muscular guys as more attractive and better in bed, they also believe they're less faithful or sensitive, and less likely to treat them well. So they think it's safer to settle down with a less sexy guy. The only exception was very attractive women, who would marry a hunk.