Updates:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.

Americano (2006):

Tuna and I disagreed strongly on this one. He liked it, and I felt it was nearly a complete waste of my time. The damned thing doesn't even really have a script, just a premise: some recent college grads are in Europe for a last fling before assuming adult responsibilities, and some of them are reconsidering their commitment to join the rat race. That's it. Pretty much the entire script. The rest was some laid-back "winging it," and the dialogue basically just consisted of repeating the premise again and again in different words. "Why are you here, son?" "Oh, I'm having a last fling before my job starts, but I'm reconsidering whether to join the rat race." When the star (Joshua Jackson) is not mouthing the trite dialogue, he's keeping a journal of drawings and poetry which would embarrass a 13 year old girl.  Dennis Hopper is on hand as an American expatriate club owner, and he  delivers some dialogue which is only peripherally related to the plot, and sounds to have been not only improvised, but also influenced by vast quantities of mind-altering chemicals.

The complete lack of a script is matched with some very poor cinematography. The landscapes are composed nicely, but the action scenes are shot and edited so confusingly that the characters have to recap what has just happened with dialogue. Leonor Varela is pretty enough, but is almost always blurred, or grainy, or improperly lit, or half out of the frame, or shaking in a hand-held shot. And her allegedly Spanish character inexplicably speaks English with an accent characteristic of South American Spanish! ("Are jew coming?", e.g. I have spent months and months in Spain, and even more time in South America, and I never heard any Spaniard pronounce "you" this way, but many if not most South Americans do.)  I guess the problem is that the actress, who does speak Spanish, also actually speaks perfectly unaccented American English, and her natural speech patterns would not have been in character, so she fabricated an accent she was familiar with. (Her father is Chilean, her mother French.) 

There are some plusses in the film, and I suppose Tuna responded to these:

• The camera is in love with both Joshua Jackson and Leonor Varela. Not only are they physically attractive, but they both come off as very likeable, easy-going, genuine people. Joshua gives off that nice-guy vibe of a young Tom Selleck, and Leonor has a kooky, energetic free-spirit thing goin' for her. Their romance is credible and sometimes fun to watch.
• Part of the film is an actual bullfight - not a staged re-enactment, but the real thing in real time, filmed with the permission of the bullfighter. Another portion is the actual "running of the bulls," with cast members actually participating on camera. If you have never seen these events, this will open your eyes.
• The film has an eclectic and sensuous sound track of Spanish music.

Leonor Varela Ruthanna Hopper (Dennis's daughter.)

Other Crap:

Weird Al interviews Eminem.  (Sorta. It's pretty funny.)

My favorite parimutual sport. Siamese midget kick boxing, or "Thai little persons' combat," for you sensitive folks.

What will the Vikings' new uniforms be? Some concepts

The Straight Dope: Thank you for dying: Did 250 million people in the industrialized world die from smoking over 10 years?

• As Cecil points out, the number is absurd. The total number of deaths in the industrialized world, from all causes, was between 110 million and 125 million deaths in the ten year period 1995-2004. In other words, according to Christopher Buckley's statistic, smoking causes 200% of all deaths!
• The real number is about two million smoking-related deaths per year, which represents about one in every six deaths in the industrialized world. Of course, all of those people would have died anyway, sooner or later, so from a statistical standpoint, smoking does not cause more people to die, but causes them to die SOONER. Therefore, the meaningful statistic is the amount of life lost per smoker, and the best available answer seems to be 15 years.

The MooTube - the first internet CowCam

A trailer for 'The Omen,' an updated version of the 1976 horror classic.

Page Six reports that Lara Flynn Boyle is rumored to have arthritis, but doesn't

• Must be the only paper which reports their report is unfounded--in the very same report. The Superficial commented: "What's the point of following up on a lead if you're going to report it anyway? I might as well make up whatever story I want and just throw in a "their rep said it wasn't true" at the end. This just in, Katie Holmes bought a kangaroo to ride around the house. When asked, her rep responded that the rumors are not true. My God, it works!"

This week's movies - update: Silent Hill - 33% positive reviews.

• The critics generally agree. If they were evaluating the look of the film, it would have close to 100% positives. If they were evaluating the script and acting, it would be close to zero percent positive. The only difference from critic to critic in determining the overall rating is the weight they assign to those elements. Think of a Ewe Boll film with cinematography by Caleb Deschanel.

Paramount is breathing life into its 'Star Trek' franchise by setting 'Mission: Impossible III' helmer J.J. Abrams to produce and direct the 11th 'Trek' feature

• It will center on the early days of seminal 'Trek' characters James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock, including their first meeting at Starfleet Academy and first outer space mission

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: A Steamy Adult Morality Tale"

Bush to Assume Presidency in Continuing White House Shakeup

Employment wanted: Press Secretary Scott McClellan Will Lie for Food

Great headline from Germany: "Germany's Golden Boy Displays New Golden Balls"

The trailer for the Lake House - a romantic ghost story

• "A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock) who once occupied an unusual lakeside home begins exchanging love letters with its newest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they're actually living two years apart, they must try to unravel the mystery behind their extraordinary romance before it's too late."

This week's movies, update: American Dreamz - 43% positive reviews

• This is the lampoon of President Bush and American Idol. I haven't seen it, but to tell you the truth, the negative reviews seem to have consistently ignored what the movie actually did and whined about how they wanted it to be angrier, not so safe and good-natured, not so affectionate and generous, less of a sitcom and more of a harangue.
• In other words, if you prefer laughs to anger, you may like it better than the approval numbers might indicate. Ebert and Gleiberman both praised it, while acknowledging that it's more of a screwball sitcom than an angry satire.

This week's movies - update: The Sentinel -35% positive reviews. This is the Secret Service mystery with Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Kim Basinger and Eva Longoria.

• Some critics were not very kind: "It's obvious that nobody believed in this project longer than it took for the check to clear."
• "The Sentinel could easily pass for a generic straight-to-DVD release if it wasn't for the presence of Michael Douglas."

Barney and Fred, as they might be re-imagined by Tobe Hooper

I'm The Decider .... Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo. The Beatles, as interpreted by the President.

VIDEO: Leaning Tower of Pisa Replica (Be sure to watch the short video all the way to the end.)

Cargo ship gets wedged into the rocky shore

A 2002-word Palindrome

The international trailer for The Death of Mr. Lazarescu

• Anyone who has waited for treatment in an emergency room or chafed under the less than devoted care of a disinterested doctor will recognize Mr. Lazarescu's dilemma. A 60-ish widower, living alone in Bucharest with his cats, he feels sick enough one evening to call an ambulance. This is the beginning of his Dantesque odyssey deep into the bowels of a big city medical establishment. It's a story that could take place anywhere and Mr. Lazarescu could be your next-door neighbor – or he could be you.

A clip from Driving Lessons

• Ben (Harry Potter's Rupert Grint) is a shy teenager living in London who is trying to escape from the clutches of his stern and religious mother (Laura Linney). He finally gets his chance when he meets a retired actress (Julie Walters) who whisks him off to Edinburgh, where he learns to drive, dance, and pick up girls. Jeremy Brock's loosely autobiographical coming-of-age tale is part "Harold & Maude" with a dose of "The Graduate." "Driving Lessons" is the directorial debut for Jeremy Brock (who penned the screenplay for "Mrs. Brown"). It is also Grint's first starring role after completing four Harry Potter films. Linney ("You Can Count On Me," "Kinsey") and Walters ("Educating Rita," "Billy Elliot") are both two-time Academy Award® nominees. The film also features an eclectic soundtrack by artists that include Sufjan Stevens, John Renbourn and Salsa Celtica. The film is produced by Julia Chasman ("Quills," "The 25th Hour").

Dave Barry's pick as "Headline of the Day" ... (real headline): Butts' competitive juices ignite Dogs

Family Guy meets the Roadrunner

White House Easter Egg Roll Photo Album (Satire from WHITEHOUSE.ORG)

COLBERT REPORT:

• Colbert makes an eloquent case against teaching kids about Shakespeare
• Stephen Colbert and Ralph Nader discuss whether corporations are people too.
• Colbert Report's "Better Know a District" covers Maryland's Fightin' 4th
• Colbert discusses how much he hates newspapers.
• Colbert welcomes Caitlin Flanagan, his kind of feminist.
• Colbert offers a tip of the hat to TomKat
  • Colbert also one-ups Cruise's placenta-eating by eating the remains of his baby eagle's egg
• Stephen Colbert notes that PBS is promoting the bear agenda.
• Colbert's analysis of Global Warming: "The whole debate basically boils down to, Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

 

DAILY SHOW:

• "Before meeting with Bush, Chinese President Hu Jintao met with someone more important: Bill Gates."
• Jason Jones investigates a woman brewing political unrest in a planned Florida community.
• Jon Stewart interviews Ted Kennedy
• Jon Stewart looks at Karl Rove's Career Change
  • "The president's longtime advisor, Emperor Palpatine, has stepped down."
• Jon Stewart interviews Dennis Quaid, who is currently playing a Bush-like President in a film.
• McClellan has never told us the truth before. Why should we believe him when he says he's resigning?

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

"South Beach Academy"

South Beach Academy (1996) is a titty flick comedy farce set in Miami. Our hero, Keith Coulouris, works as an instructor for his uncle's Beach Academy, which seems to be more of a private club on the beach. Uncle Gene (Al Lewis) is a gambler and lady's man who has bet everything on a beach volleyball game with "the evil crook" who wants his valuable real estate. Coulouis's brother, Corey Feldman, shows up in town and tries to help. The story revolves around convincing Elizabeth Kaitan, a former Olympic volleyball player, and her team, to play for the academy. The main point of the film was to show female breasts, which they did early and often, including Elizabeth Kaitan, Tiffany Cara, Kristina Rodriguez, Ute Weigel, Amy Lynn Rosenthal, Patricia Edmunds, Lorelei Leslie and a host of unknowns.

We had a topless car wash, a strip club where one of the team worked under Ron Jeremy, topless score card holders, and random topless on the beach girls.

IMDb readers say 4.8, and I tend to agree. While the constant parade of hooters is nice, there needs to be something else to sustain a film, and this one was missing it. The transfer was nto at all good, as the video was over-saturated and blown out through much of the film. This is not good when you are basing your entire film on eye candy. This is a D. Tuna

Amy Lynn Rosenthal Elizabeth Kaitan Kristina Rodriguez Lorelei Leslie Patricia Edmunds Tiffany Cara Ute Weigel Unknowns

CELEBRITY BABY HYSTERIA ROUND-UP
He Was, And Is, An Absolute Creep - Tom Cruise praised Katie Holmes for staying silent during childbirth, with the help of an epidural, saying, "Kate was, and is, an absolute champ." The London Sun tabloid claims Cruise recorded the birth and within hours, his car was seen leaving the hospital for the Church of Scientology Center. A Scientology insider claimed that Tom would be required to report back to senior church officials about whether the birth was silent and if Katie was given drugs. He would also have to hand over all notes and recordings for them to decide if anything traumatic happened that would require Katie to undergo extra auditing.

* Or, if she screamed even once, human sacrifice.
* I can't imagine that Katie Holmes might have gone through anything traumatic recently.
* I'd rather be audited by the IRS; they're more reasonable.
* It looked like the masked, black-robed orgy scene in "Eyes Wide Shut."
* Can't they just read every detail of the birth in the tabloids, like everybody else?
Prince William, Maybe - Tom and Katie's baby is already old news: the tabloids are refocusing on Namibia to await Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby. Ignoring hungry lions and government warnings not to harass the celebrities, reporters are packing villages near the game preserve resort where the pair is hiding out. In a feature on the hysteria, New York magazine quoted a gossip insider as saying this "could be the most beautiful baby in the world." The magazine said, "Not since Jesus has a baby been so eagerly anticipated."

* By tabloid reporters...Nobody else gives a crap about other people's baby pictures!
* The difference is that when Jesus was born, wise men flocked to see Him.
* Jesus could return at any time, but the media would be too busy with this to notice.
* There's only one explanation: this baby will be the Anti-Christ.
* On the bright side, hungry lions and too many tabloid reporters are two problems that could solve themselves.

MADONNA PLANS DISCO CRUCIFIX
Critics Will Crucify Her - Madonna may be a Kabbalah convert, but she's still using Catholic imagery to shock audiences. The London Sun reports that shows on her new concert tour will start with Madonna descending from the ceiling on a giant cross covered with diamonds and crystals, like a disco ball. The disco crucifix reportedly cost over $10 million, and an insider said, "It'll create a blinding light, like she is landing on the spaceship from 'E.T.'"

* This is so nobody will be able to see her wrinkles.
* A giant cross covered with diamonds...She's now ripping off ideas from Branson, Missouri.
* Madonna's audience might be reaching the age where it's not a good idea to tick off God.
* If she's so into Kabbalah, let's see her be lowered from the ceiling on a thin, red string.

NBC SERIES CANCELED AFTER THREE DAYS
Now You're Cookin' With Gasbags! - NBC planned to run the new reality series "Celebrity Cooking Showdown" every night this week, but it was yanked after three days of posting some of the lowest network ratings in history. Opposite "American Idol," it pulled a Neilsen rating of 1.1. The final two episodes won't even be burned off on cable but will be made available for viewing online at NBC.com.

* The problem was, they defined "celebrity" as loosely as they did "cooking."
* The "celebrities" on that show were such Z-listers, they actually agreed to work for food.
* If you're one of the 1.1 percent of Americans who had nothing better to do than watch Tom Arnold make tuna casserole, perhaps you might want to consider suicide.
* They're retooling the show...When it comes back, the celebrities will be cooking on ice skates.
* NBC hoped it would be the next "Deal or No Deal," but to viewers, it was just "No Deal!"