Dark Harvest (2003) is a zero budget horror with a very familiar plot. Three couples go to a farm house for a week, even though they are warned that it is haunted. The second night, really inept scarecrow skeleton ghosts kill three of the six, not including the one they are supposedly after. While the plot is old hat, they didn't follow the usual formula. First, all of the gore is in act three. Second, there is no nudity in act one. Third, none of the women run, fall, hide behind a tree and die.

The couples make-up is also somewhat unusual. We have a hetero couple, a lesbian couple, and a mixed (black and Caucasian) couple. The acting is unbelievably bad. Not only do they all seem like they are reading lines from a cue card, but they often breathe in the wrong place, leading me to suspect that they had never seen the lines before. That is possible, as two disasters during the two week shoot caused massive rewrites. First, an overgrown cemetery that figured prominently in the plot was burned to the ground overnight, and then all of their barn props were burgled.

There were some positives, most especially the daylight skinny dipping scene (see Scoopy's review for the nudity report). I found one of the gore scenes particularly effective. One of the woman is hung from a cross like a scarecrow using barbed wire, and presumed dead. We then see her pulling her hands and feet through the barbed wire bindings to escape. There is also one great line of dialogue.

"Alex, I think the bitch strength Midol is in aisle 2."

Interestingly, IMDb lists, but has no information about, two films called Dark Harvest, but doesn't mention this one. Decent camera work and good nudity is not quite enough, even with special bad movie points, to give this more than a D+.

Big Fish (2003)

I wrote before the film was ever released that it was one of the best films I have ever seen, but would receive no awards and little critical praise, and would fail at the box office. I was only right on 3/4.

Winning predictions:

• It is one of the highest rated films of all time, in the Top 250 at IMDb
• Critics were lukewarm.
• It won no major awards in the USA. Once again, however, let me tip my hat to the British Academy, as I often do. BAFTA nominated it for best picture.

  Winner:

• Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The (2003)

  Other Nominees:

• Big Fish (2003)
• Cold Mountain (2003)
• Lost in Translation (2003)
• Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)

Losing predictions:

• I was wrong about it bombing at the box. It did a solid $66 million, despite battling The Return of the King head to head. It held in there, and actually did better in its fourth weekend than in its third.

The nudity is beautiful, and not bad for a PG-13 film.

• Bevin Kaye (1, 2, 3, 4)

.wmv clips

Elisha Cuthbert didn't really do any nudity in The Girl Next Door. If you follow Other Crap each day, you know that she talked the director into cutting all her nude scenes. Bad idea. The film tanked. But here's what she did do.

Updates:

• I added 131 new volumes to the L section of the Encyclopedia (adding another 918 new pictures), and 13 volumes to the F section, (another 53). As always, they are indicated in yellow. There are also new volumes for Shannen Doherty, Isabell Gerschke, Joanna Page, and Desiree Nosbusch.

Quote of the day:

Jay Leno :  "THERE ARE PLANS UNDERWAY TO MAKE THE BIGGEST HOLLYWOOD BOMB IN HISTORY. BEN AFFLECK AND J. LO GET MARRIED AT THE ALAMO. "

OTHER CRAP:

• Omarosa lands the perfect job - she's going to play a soap opera bitch, and in her role she'll be a job applicant!
• Your consolation question - who is buried in Petrarch's tomb? I dunno, Groucho - Petrarch? BUZZZZZZZZ. Wrong. At least not completely correct. It may be Petrarch's body, but it's a woman's skull.
• Tahoe's pollution concern - crap through a goose. General Patton was unavailable for comment, as he has been for many years.
• Headline of the day: Seeking black applicants, North Miami police drop swimming requirement, require minimum vertical leap. (OK, I made up the jumping part)
• MTV (UK)announces a new show called Dirty Sanchez! (middle of article)
• Shel Silverstein -- Uncle Shelby's ABZ Book. A Primer for Adults.
• Computer 'speed limit' found. "If there is an article of faith in computer science, it's that everything can keep getting faster and faster. But scientists say they've discovered an apparent speed limit that will restrict how quickly data can be written onto disks and then retrieved."
• JUSTICE DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCES INTERNATIONAL INTERNET PIRACY SWEEP. They are making a multi-country attack against the warez scene.
• The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement
• A Message From Pat Robertson and the "Vote No On Jesus" Campaign: "The reckless liberalism of Jesus Christ cannot be allowed to take hold of the Christian values this great country has fought so hard to preserve"
• My Alien Abduction- customize your experience
• Internet-exclusive teaser for Alone in the Dark, kind of a cross between Indiana Jones and Ghostbusters, with Christian Slater and Tara Reid.
• Some of you Canadian readers have written in to say, "I have an unprotected banana. What the heck can I do?" Your shame has ended. Now there is an answer: Banana Guard
• The Daily Show looks at the withdrawal of American allies from Iraq
• The Daily Show looks at Bob Woodward's book
• Male stripper showing up to perform for co-ed birthdays. Only one problem. Nobody hired him. It is not known whether he has done anything to break any laws or university rules, but it seems not.
• A 74-year-old woman survived an attack by a nearly 10-foot-long alligator that bit her on the leg and arm and dragged her into a lake.
• Stripeless Zebra Puzzles Experts. It will be studied someday by people with nothing more important to study. Maybe some Norwegians can take a look at it.
• Wife divorces husband over Viagra
• The battle for golf's future - should equipment improvements be halted?
• Supreme Court will not let Clarett enter the draft.
• In today's exciting Norwegian news: King of Norway claims to be cousin of John Kerry. Kerry is also related to several other phony-baloney European royal ugly dudes. Royalty expert says: «Even if many think that Bush is going to win, I would bet my money on Kerry. The royal rule always works. The candidate who has the most royal connections always wins. It is the most particular pattern, and this can’t be accidental». President Bush is a descendant of only two kings: Edward I of England, and Rupert Pupkin.
• A wealthy businessman whose marriage was in trouble offered $1 million to buy the wife of a close friend in a bizarre deal reminiscent of the Hollywood film Indecent Proposal
• Big Ron becomes Bigot Ron. Brit sportscaster launches racist tirade.
• Your next credit card will only work when it hears your voice!
• Kournikova sued by her own parents.
• Tonya Harding socks it to Man Show's Doug Stanhope in Celebrity Boxing match.
• Dancing John Kerry
• The complete NFL Schedule for 2004. Colts and Pats kick it off September 9th
• The SPMD - Sport Psychology Movie Database
• Romanian soccer team warned if they lose they will have to listen to Beethoven.
• San Jose Sharks take hockey to a high tech level
• Gotta love the passion of soccer. Winning score in closing minutes of game ruled 'no goal' to avoid riot. After everybody went home, the goal was allowed and the visiting team won the game.
• The Straight Dope: What were the daily themes on the old Mickey Mouse show?
• Update on the casting for Hitchhiker's Guide
• The Top 10 Celebrity Meltdowns.
• "'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow,' a retro-futuristic action-adventure movie won't be taking to the skies during the crowded summer months. Because of some moves made by the competition, this movie has been postponed from June until September.
• She was the Playmate of the Month in April of 1997. Here's Kelly Monaco Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• Four free short videos from Playboy Big Breast Babes!
• Manning tells Chargers to draft someone else.
• You think in-flight movies suck? Your next flight may include a live performance from Sheryl Crow!
• It's a glorious day for Norway. Norwegian students will not use porn films to finance graduation party. The fact that something would NOT happen was actually the big deal of the day in Norway, more exciting than the things that DID happen.
• Chicago Cultural Center's 'Isn't That Amazing', the incredible collection of all things Popeil and Ronco.
• Rock About the Roll - the best songs about "duck" tape
• Turner re-brands TBS for comedy, TNT for drama
• Virgin gives birth. It was a mouse, but that's still mighty impressive in scientific terms.
• The (very impressive) Official Harry Potter Website
• PBS presents a virtual tour of the Great Pyramid.
• Here is a better trailer for The Door in the Floor.
• The trailer for The Agronomist: "The story of Haitian national hero Jean Dominique, 'The Agronomist' represents a labor of love for the director Jonathan Demme, who first met and filmed the late journalist and freedom fighter in 1987."
• Here's the trailer for The Terminal, a new film from Steven Spielberg, starring Tom Hanks and Zeta. (Similar story to that guy who lives in DeGaulle airport)
• GALLUP: Most Americans Say Major Changes Needed in Government Terrorism Agencies

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Rated X

Review. We didn't much like it. Kind of a semi-interesting pic about the porn kings, the Mitchell Brothers, who are played by the Estevez brothers (Emilio Estevez and our Fun House hero, Charlie Sheen). Good idea.  Lots of potential. But a pretty tame movie.

• Here's Joanne Boland (.avi, .wmv)

• Here's Tracy Hutson as Marilyn Chambers.  (.avi, .wmv)

• Here's Sadie LeBlanc.  (.avi, .wmv)

Lesbotronics

• Helen Shaver and Patricia Charbonneau in Desert Hearts. (.avi, .wmv). Good lesbonics, but mediocre movie. Tuna liked it, I didn't.

• Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon in Bound. (.avi, .wmv). Excellent noir film from the same two guys who did The Matrix.

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

I hate lists. Every damn time some rag of a magazine wants to sell a few more copies, it comes out with a list of the 50 best, worst, sexiest, ugliest, most interesting or least likely to succeed. Things are bad enough when a Rolling Stone wannade like Blender comes out with the fifty worst songs of all time and leaves out not only Watching Scotty Grow, which is annoying only because it sooooo sentimental, but also McArthur Park, which is pretentious, badly sung and long. Shoulda called it the "Fifty Songs that most offend our idiosyncratic sensibiliies." But I can still live with that.

Much worse... no, infinitely worse... is any list of the sexiest women that puts Jessica Alba any place but in the top five positions. To say she's 26th or whatever they came up with is just fucking stupid. I WISH we lived in a world with 25 women sexier than Jessica Alba, because that would make life so much more interesting. But we don't and we'll just have to deal with it. My way of dealing with it was to make up a bunch of collages of Ms. Alba. And as anyone who has seen in all three spatial dimensions will tell you, she's even sexier in person.

• Jessica Alba (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I also put together a bunch more collages of my guiltiest pleasure... looking at Jessica Simpson. Yes, I know she's a Barbi-doll, complete with the IQ, but crimony my limbic system bangs away every time I see a picture of her.

• Jessica Simpson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Last up is an upskirt pic second only to the famous shot of Paris Hilton going commando. It is of Lucy Clarkson, who I gather is a babe from the U.K.

• Lucy Clarkson

The plot...a young, beautiful, Midwestern babe (Candice Rialson) moves to Hollywood to become a star, but ends up working at "Miracle Pictures", a studio that makes mega-lo budget T&A movies. ("If it's a good picture, it's a Miracle!").

The movie never really takes itself seriously and is packed with Hollywood and especially B-movie in-jokes. Combine all these factors, and it's easy to see why it has become a cult favorite. Oh, and of course like all Joe Dante movies, it co-stars Dick Miller.

• Candice Rialson, topless (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Candice Rialson, topless in a fake rape scene. In addition to Rialson's nudity, Paul Bartel is also great as the Ed Wood-like director in this scene.

• Rita George, also topless. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
• Rita George, topless in a brief, poorly acted scene from the movie within the movie.

• Tara Strohmeier, topless in a couple of scenes. The sunbathing 'caps in links 1-4 are especially nice. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
• Tara Strohmeier, a lengthy topless scene with more bad acting from the movie within the movie. (links 5-7 above correspond to the video clip)

• All three babes doing some topless sunbathing. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• A .wmv of the the sunbathing scene

For Scoop and Tuna's review, click here

For even more 'caps from "Hollywood Boulevard", check out the April 28, 2001 Fun House update in the Daily Archives.